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"Make it count folks, please"

I apologise in advance folks, this is going to be a long rambling post purely because it’s midnight and yet again, I find myself unable to sleep or switch my head off.
Listening to radiohead as I surf the net looking for something I haven’t seen before, some topic that might interest me in someway, nothing to do with computers or movies or music, something new.

I need constantly to stimulate myself. I don’t mean that in a smutty way for once, I mean that I need continuous input and information, new experiences and new things to discover.

Why? Let me try to explain how my life changed completely by chance one morning.

I was in a serious road accident in 1991 that, by all rights should have killed me. I should not have come out alive and very nearly didn’t. A learner driver out with his brother smashed into me doing almost 70mph and destroyed my car. The accident was radioed in as a fatal, and the ambulance crew were shocked to discover that I was still breathing, albeit with great difficulty.
I ended up with a fractured skull, a small break at the base of my neck and my left arm crushed at the elbow from the force of the impact., along with various scrapes, cuts, bruises and a black eye from where I bent the steering wheel in half from smashing into it with my face.

I have absolutely no idea what happened, cant remember at all. It happened on a Saturday morning about 10am in Harlow.
I remember the Friday night before, but nothing really for the next couple of weeks.
I had to endure almost 7 months of intensive physio to restore feeling and movement back into my arm which is now held together with pins, screws and a lot of wire, and then a further year as an outpatient in an attempt to get my arm back to how it was before.

It never will be, I have restricted movement because of the amount of damage sustained to it. I’m no gimp, but I cant fully extend or contract it, I had the option of having the metalwork out, but the risk was almost 70% chance of permanent paralysis if I risked it, so I didn’t do. Instead, I have a looping scar that runs from half way up my arm to mid forearm.
I suffer from pretty constant headaches and in winter I get aches and pains, I have been told that I WILL end up with rheumatoid arthritis when I am older and I just have to live with that fact.
Anything else? Yep. As a result of the head injuries, I suffer from reduced tolerance stress disorder, which basically means that I have a very short temper and am prone to mouthing off and uncontrollable fits of anger over the slightest things.

So why am I telling you this? It certainly isn’t in some attempt at sympathy, not for one second, I have worked my balls off to overcome a majority of the effects and live pretty much how I did before. You wouldn’t know to look at me the damage I took, it doesn’t hinder me in anything I choose to do.

No, the reason I’m boring you with this is to say that the only positive thing to come out of my accident was the realisation that life is short and can end any second, no matter how carefully you live, what you choose to eat, where you live, what you do for a living, it doesn’t matter. All it takes is one little instant and you could be out of here in a second.
If I had taken a different route that day, left 20 seconds earlier or later, stopped to buy a drink it would never have happened and my life would have taken a completely different path. But I am who I am today and where I am because of this thing.

That may not sound like a positive thing, to know that you can die at any second, but it is.
It liberates you from things that don’t matter. Things like savings, a decent career, worrying about doing what you want with your life.
The only thing that matters is that you make each and every second count that you are alive, live each day like it could be your last.

It took me almost 9 years to win a compensation case against the other driver,who was totally at fault and I was awarded £20,000 in damages for injury, loss of work, restrictions in later life etc.
What did I do with that money? I helped my mum pay off her debts, took off round America for 2 months, used it for a deposit on renting a flat, basically did everything I had ever wanted to do and didn't care about saving it.
I spent the lot.
Some will say I was stupid, should have invested it etc etc, but I don't see the point.

I wouldn't have had that money if I hadn't been injured, it's not liked I saved for years and who knows when I'm gonna die? Why deny yourself just in case you make it to 70 and make more money?
No thanks, I lived my life in the best way possible.

And I still do, it doesn't take money to be free in what you want to do.
I wanted to work in radio, did that with 10.17 for a while, wanted to be a journalist, tried that and still do the occasional freelance games review, things like that.
I wanted to play the drums, taught myself and I'm now in a band that I love, writing scripts and have an agent..I am doing the things that I want to, not the things I feel I should do.

I don't care about having a career, some nice job with a pension plan and savings. I have to make sure that everything I do is what I want to with my life, there are still some things I have yet to achieve, but I know that I will on my own terms.

Being almost killed and surviving has given me an absolute lust for life, every single day means I have the chance to learn something new, experience something I have never had before.
Sure, there are days when I forget that and get wound up about my stupid job, but then I remember who I am and where I have been and it just doesn't matter.
I play videogames with my mates, go see my girlfriend, make music and play to it to people.
When I'm onstage I have the biggest, stupidest grin you can ever imagine, because what's going through my head is "Christ, look at what you're doing, this is amazing and beautiful"

I constantly lend music to people, to try and share something new with them, or tell them about movies they might have missed or a book that I love and want to share.
That's why I spend so much time in the DVD and music forum here, I have so many things that I want other people to experience, I just want to say "this and this and this, and oh have you heard this? What about this?"

I get frustrated when people act with closed eyes and minds, cut themselves off from new things and refuse to listen. That's why I read books about politics and life and death and god, I want to know as much as I can, learn as much as I possibly can, visit all the countries in the world, because we just dont have that much time to do this stuff and you never, ever know when it will end.

So please, I beg you, don't deny yourself something because you are nervous about the outcome, it might just not matter.
There is someone you fancy but are embarrassed to tell them?
Do it, you never know and I would hate to think that you missed that chance and something happened to you.
Please, don't waste the time that you have, because it's the most precious thing you do have and it could be taken away at any time.

Don't spend your time hating other people because of religion or skin colour of because they look funny, please don't waste your precious, precious time on anything other than enjoying life and making each and every moment like it's your last.
You like to sing? Do it, get a band together and sing, dont worry about what anyone else thinks.
You want to be a writer, maybe you write poems and you think they'll laugh at your for reading them, doesn't matter, take that chance, seize that moment and make it yours.

Don't waste time on things that upset you, do something you've always wanted to.
Go talk to that boy/girl you fancy, read that book your mate is trying to lend you, listen to classical music, rock, rap, jazz...there is so much life out there just waiting for you to grab it and make it your own.

Cool, thanks for that Goatboy.

Sometimes.
Other times I'm in Lundun

Yer but you still have not answered my question, although you have a right not to.

Umm...cheers.
Embarrassing to read the replies here but I'm really, really happy that even a couple of people read it and thought it said something to them.

I didn't write about my accident to conjure "Poor Goatboy" feelings, odd though it sounds, it was the best thing to happen to me.

I felt really nervous about posting something so personal, but now I'm glad I did because someone listened to something that I said, which means whatever discomfort and blah blah blah was worth it.

This is a brilliant, insightful and has to be one of the more amazingly inspiring things I've read on a forum for ages.

I'm new to these forums but I've been around various ones on the Internet for about five years ( though you'd never guess it from my typing sometimes !:) )and this has to be the most amazing piece of writing I've seen.

I know of about three times in my life so far that I took the "safe" option, where I didn't risk something or choose the "right" option. I've been lucky enough not to have been involved in a bad accident like Goatboy and others, but I can understand what they mean about making every day count, because you never know when it'll all be gone. When I was younger, much younger, a friend (whose name I can shamefully not remember) died in hospital and I still remember to this day the remote controlled car his parents gave to me. Its strange how things like that stick in your memory. This sounds really stupid, but until I read this post I forgot how lucky I've been, because it could have been me, but I was lucky.

Now 15 odd years later I realise I've wasted a lot of time but like I said there are 3 times recently I wish, in retrospect, I'd done something better. This is going to bore people I know but....

1) The sixth form leavers ball - basically a big party at a fancy hotel. I really fancied one girl who I knew liked me from about 2 years ago, but I've always been pretty shy and found saying what I mean hard sometimes. Twice that night I had a chance to say something but didn't, my mate even told me to go over to her, but I didn't. Now, two years on, I've never seen her again.

2) Choosing Univeristy places two years ago. With high predicted marks I was encouraged to aim for something other than where my friends were going so I did. I managed a place at Birmingham with 28 points (old A levels 2 years ago remember thats A + A + B) and went. 5 Days later I returned - I hated it every moment, homesick ? Maybe, but I just didnt get on with anyone much and those I did talk to didn't seem that happy. The next day after leaving I went back and collected all my stuff and quit. Upon getting home it became clear that I was way too late to go anywhere else so I had to get a job for a year until the next year of Uni applications. At first I enjoyed the job, but now I hate it and once I've cleared my credit card I'd love to quit. I used to think money was everything, but its not. If our going to University and want to go to one with your mates then go ! Being happy is all that matters and grades can't buy that. Last year I got into another Univeristy, less prestigious but its better. I live at home so don't know loads of people, but I do know a few and thats enough. I don't drink or smoke or take drugs so it makes it hard - many do not repsect you if you don't do these three, if you don't believe that then wait until you get to a University because drugs are a wider problem than many think - I've heard stuff I'd never imagined to do with drugs.

3) When I went to Birmingham I lost touch with nearly all my mates, and came back to find them gone off or working. One, my best friend, went on to do teaching an I never see him anymore.

So those are my regrets but I want to change now, and I think this post, however daft it seems, could well help. Whilst trying not to raise your ego Goatboy, Thank you !

Reading that first post reminded me of Fight Club. How all those things like money and possesions wouldn't matter if your life was to suddenly end, and that you shouldn't be worrying too much about those things.
They can be replaced, where as people cannot!

I feel very sorry for you Goatboy, but it's good to see you're alive at least!

Reaper[oV] wrote:
> He wouldn't dare come to Cambridge, far too close to me, Jess and Chris for
> comfort..

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True.

Dr. Duck wrote:
i know busting my
> thumb is nothing next to goatboy, or many other people's suffering

--

It is to you.
Just as my accident didn't mean anything to anyone but me and my friends, your thumb doesn't mean anything to me, but to you it's the most serious thing in the world.
Just a matter of perspective, your thumb stopped you from doing what you love, therefore it's a serious matter.

So what if you didn't get smashed up, it still was a bad thing to happen to you, just as valid as a car accident.

He wouldn't dare come to Cambridge, far too close to me, Jess and Chris for comfort..

Stryke wrote:
> a place at Oxford

Good luck to you... but Cambridge is better! Try getting on some of the course they run just to get a feel for both places. I was convinced for ages that I would apply for Oxford and then I went on a Law course at Cambridge and the place just seemed much more friendly and alive. It's worth doing and if you ask nicely you can usually get your school to pay for you to go or at least subsidise you.