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"Jokes:The Good, The Bad and the Rude"

Sick Memories

2 buckets of sick are out for a walk when one starts crying "Whats the matter" asks the other bucket
"I was brought up down that alley" replies the other bucket

Charles Duped*

Prince Charles arrives home to find "Charles is a W**ker" written in the snow. He says to his detective, "This seems to be written in urine. Test it and find out who did it."
Later that afternoon, the detective returns from the lab. "Bad news, I'm afraid, sir. The urine is Will Carlings's."
"Whys that bad?"
"The handwriting's Princess Diana's

*old joke

more later

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 95 year old woman
has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the
newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 95 year old mother says,
"Not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says, "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother
says, "When the baby cries."

So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."

Why did God create Adam before Eve?
To give him a chance to speak

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was
strong evidence indicating his guilt, but there was no
corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer,
knowing that his client would
probably be convicted, resorted to a trick:

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I have a surprise for you
all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one
minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into
this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat
stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing
happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous
statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I
therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in
this case as to whether anyone was killed, and insist that
you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few
minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of
guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some
doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "We looked, all right, But your
client didn't."

LOL

In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors
who were conducting studies on test drugs administered
weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and
lawyers.

While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual
prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.

That's one of my personall favorites ;-D

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of
5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who
was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.
Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right
either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was
Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up
here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You
know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you
said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but
business is business..."

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the
first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and
tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a
chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties
all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders
cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on
that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the
electricity turned on yet."

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope
and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's
prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us
this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million
dollars to Catholic charities.

The Pope declined.

Two weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time
with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A
month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope
accepts.

At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his
decision in the good news/bad news format.

"The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for
charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread
account!"

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her
job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window,
opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room she told the painter she would like it
painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked
to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the
third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose
color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window,
opened it and yelled "green side
up!"

The lady then asked him. "Why do you keep yelling 'green
side up'?"

"I'm sorry," replied the contractor, "but I have a crew of
blondes laying sod across the street."

a magician gets a job on the Titanic. During his first performance, the captain's loud mouthed parrot shouts out, "Its up his sleeve!Its up his sleeve!" and ruins his act.
The next night the parrot again jumps in yelling "Its in his pocket!" and "He's swapped them over". Throughout the whole voyage, no matter the trick, the parrot spoils it.
Then the boat hits the iceberg and sinks into the sea. The magician escapes to a lifeboat, and is joined by the parrot. At first the parrot refuses to speak, but after 2 weeks adrift, it finally cracks.
"OK" it says "you win. What have you done with the ship"