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The time was midnight, the moon was full, the city was London and Kai Hackeysack was sprinting full speed down the litter scattered alley behind the Fung Sheung restaurant. He paused for a moment to catch his breath and threw himself behind a pile of rubbish bags.
He picked up his mobile phone and dialled the number of his best friend Marley. "Hey Mar.... Damn!". It was just Marleys answerphone . In frustration he slammed his phone into the trashcan and tightened his scarf shivering.
Kai was on the run. He had squealed on his Boss who he had seen commiting murder so his boss sent two hardcore goons after him. Kai had survived so far by keeping to the shadows and sleeping rough. He heard tires squeal and took his pistol from his holster.
After five minutes of painful waiting he leapt up and stole across a dusty road pulling up his hood. It had started snowing . Kai couldn't feel his fingers and he knew if he did'nt find food and shelter soon he wouldn't survive...
He slowed to a walk and looked around him and saw an old woman gibbering to herself across the street. He continued until he came across a scrawny hobo chewing on a piece of meat. "Give me that you scrawny clown". And kicked the poor man in the stomach. The tramp growled and dropped his treat retreating into the darkness of Gladstone Park.
Gnawing hungrily Kai noticed the warehouse looming up in front of him. "Maybe I can get in there", he thought. And jumped up onto the fence tearing his woolen coat on the cruel barbed wire then landed cat-like on all fours on the other side.
The security camera had long since been vandalised and the back door was open. Kai walked along the chilling black corridors until he came across a room with an open door. Inside there was an old mattress along with a few broken bottles and some empty paper bags. As he sat down on the mattress the urge to sleep overwhelmed him and he nodded off.
Before dawn he was awoken by a loud creak and muffled voices. Knowing who had come for him he instantly became alert. He felt for his gun but it was'nt there he must have had dropped it whilst running. Mad with fear he backed up against the wall and as the door opened he heard the cold words "Hes in there the one who stole my dinner...". And as the sun rose gunshots and screams could be heard in London.
He picked up his mobile phone and dialled the number of his best friend Marley. "Hey Mar.... Damn!". It was just Marleys answerphone . In frustration he slammed his phone into the trashcan and tightened his scarf shivering.
Kai was on the run. He had squealed on his Boss who he had seen commiting murder so his boss sent two hardcore goons after him. Kai had survived so far by keeping to the shadows and sleeping rough. He heard tires squeal and took his pistol from his holster.
After five minutes of painful waiting he leapt up and stole across a dusty road pulling up his hood. It had started snowing . Kai couldn't feel his fingers and he knew if he did'nt find food and shelter soon he wouldn't survive...
He slowed to a walk and looked around him and saw an old woman gibbering to herself across the street. He continued until he came across a scrawny hobo chewing on a piece of meat. "Give me that you scrawny clown". And kicked the poor man in the stomach. The tramp growled and dropped his treat retreating into the darkness of Gladstone Park.
Gnawing hungrily Kai noticed the warehouse looming up in front of him. "Maybe I can get in there", he thought. And jumped up onto the fence tearing his woolen coat on the cruel barbed wire then landed cat-like on all fours on the other side.
The security camera had long since been vandalised and the back door was open. Kai walked along the chilling black corridors until he came across a room with an open door. Inside there was an old mattress along with a few broken bottles and some empty paper bags. As he sat down on the mattress the urge to sleep overwhelmed him and he nodded off.
Before dawn he was awoken by a loud creak and muffled voices. Knowing who had come for him he instantly became alert. He felt for his gun but it was'nt there he must have had dropped it whilst running. Mad with fear he backed up against the wall and as the door opened he heard the cold words "Hes in there the one who stole my dinner...". And as the sun rose gunshots and screams could be heard in London.
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As a story this has potential, and the ending is great. The trouble is the beginning of the story (as opposed to what you have written here) is notable by it’s absence. I would have loved to read about how he came to see the murder, but it’s thrown away in a couple of lines.
Yeah, not bad at all.
Keep going, more more more.
Keep going, more more more.
Truely not a bad effort. The idea seemed good enough, as was the ending, but the piece ran to quickly without chance for the reader to visualise much or get into the story as a whole.
Just my humble opinion though :)
Just my humble opinion though :)
But you do get peeps like me posting here occasionally sadly...
slimboyslik wrote:
> Judging by the amount of people who read this and there are no
> comments i'm guessing you all think its dry or your all plagerising
> this cheapness.
No. The whole thing is that people do not visit this forum too much. It doesn't receive so many views as the GR, Nin, Ms, Sony or the movies forums. Just see the number of replies a crap thread gets in the general chat forum. Now compare that with the max. number of replies for an SSC winner - 30-50.
Don't feel dejected. Things will improve.
> Judging by the amount of people who read this and there are no
> comments i'm guessing you all think its dry or your all plagerising
> this cheapness.
No. The whole thing is that people do not visit this forum too much. It doesn't receive so many views as the GR, Nin, Ms, Sony or the movies forums. Just see the number of replies a crap thread gets in the general chat forum. Now compare that with the max. number of replies for an SSC winner - 30-50.
Don't feel dejected. Things will improve.
Judging by the amount of people who read this and there are no comments i'm guessing you all think its dry or your all plagerising this cheapness.
No problem
Thanks guv.
Look at the bottom of you big post. See those blue words? One says "Edit post". Click it and then post your edited story.
how?
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