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You read in the news about performance issues in London and some other places and you nodded, thought "Bloody post" and swapped stories about waiting for 3 days for a letter that should have arrived tomorrow.
You complain because your dvd doesn't arrive within 3 days from play.com, or Amazon hasn't arrived even though you requested special delivery.
Or you whinge to your family when the postie hasn't arrived by 10am and you've been hanging about waiting for that letter and blah blah blah blah.
Some of these are fair comment, some of them are tedious noise that nobody cares about or pays attention to.
However, we detest you as much as you moan about us.
Not all of you, don't get me wrong. But an awful lot of you.
Why? Here's a few inside secrets for you.
And obviously I don't speak for Royal Mail, or anybody else except for myself, so it's not potentially slanderous.
Special Delivery
These are those letters/packets with the grey sticker that says "Before 12pm", these are the packets you pay extra for because they're extremely important and you have to recieve it.
Fair enough.
SO GODDAM BE IN WHEN I DELIVER IT THEN.
9 times in the past 3 weeks this has happened. "Before 12". I arrive between 9am and 11:30am. And each and every single time nobody has been in.
You assfaces. If you pay the extra, then be in to sign for it. We've all done it, expecting a delivery of something so you take the morning off work or get up early if you're off. And you wait.
As soon as it's 12pm, go off and do stuff, I failed in my duty to deliver before the appointed time. But nooooooooooo, you have to be out don't you?
Magazines
You're invalid or lazy and can't be arsed to go to the shop to buy your Motorcycle News Monthly or FHM or Caravan World or Radio Times.
So I have the pleasure of 117 houses with heavy-ass mags I can buy in WHSmiths. And, this is the real redfacer, oftentimes a house will have 3-4 copies of the Radio Times, all addressed to different people.
WHY? WHY ARE YOU SO GODDAMN STUPID YOU NEED 3 COPIES? There is no excuse to need multiple copies of the same magazine delivered. Get in your SUV, drive the 110 yards to the local shops and. Buy. A. Magazine.
Massive Packets
Use your water-filled heads here people, some things will not go through your front door and chances are you'll be at work anyway.
So the following articles, all personally witnessed by myself, shall no longer be eligible for your weary Postman to lug around for 4hrs:
Footballs - Buy one and kick it you monger
Exhaust System - I'd like to shoot your children for that one you ass
Yukka Plant - I am not David Bellamy or Ray Mears
A Kite - Yep, a fully-extended Kite wrapped in newspaper.
Think to yourself, "Do I dabble in physics?" before you attempt to post something to your retard relatives in some vast concrete toilet in Essex
Correct Address
Seems obvious doesn't it? You learn this stuff at school, "Name. Address. Town. Postcode". Simple.
So don't just put "Sanjay Seervajingh, Church Langley, Harlow" you clown.
Try, before you squash that letter through the postbox with your flippers, to think "Now have I put all the details down?" before monging off to watch Casualty and Eastenders.
Or, my favourite so far, "Bill. Harlow. Esexx"
Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
Crap jokes about the weather
We've heard them. All of them. Every variation. If you must speak, nod and say "Morning Postie", this is fine and very welcome in fact.
Don't say "Nice weather for ducks", because that's nonsensical.
Don't say "Rather you than me", because Postie will stop in his tracks, make a note of your door number and forget to deliver your post for the next day.
Don't say "Hope you can swim! Hahahahaha!"
Don't say "Cor, you'll be home in time for neighbours wontcha?"
Don't say "Where's Bill/Sam/Steve then? On holiday?", or if you must, then don't look puzzled when Postie says "Nope, stolen by gypsies. Or dead. I forget which" before walking across your front lawn and on to the next house.
Don't say "Oh, my post is wet" when it's thumping down and your Postman looks bedraggled and very, very angry at your jawdropping stupidity.
Of course it's wet, I've been carrying it in my arm for 20 mins whilst water falls out the sky onto it and me.
You spastic.
----
That'll do for now.
Royal Mail - We loathe you more than you do us.
But it's still the most fun job I've had in 31 years.
You complain because your dvd doesn't arrive within 3 days from play.com, or Amazon hasn't arrived even though you requested special delivery.
Or you whinge to your family when the postie hasn't arrived by 10am and you've been hanging about waiting for that letter and blah blah blah blah.
Some of these are fair comment, some of them are tedious noise that nobody cares about or pays attention to.
However, we detest you as much as you moan about us.
Not all of you, don't get me wrong. But an awful lot of you.
Why? Here's a few inside secrets for you.
And obviously I don't speak for Royal Mail, or anybody else except for myself, so it's not potentially slanderous.
Special Delivery
These are those letters/packets with the grey sticker that says "Before 12pm", these are the packets you pay extra for because they're extremely important and you have to recieve it.
Fair enough.
SO GODDAM BE IN WHEN I DELIVER IT THEN.
9 times in the past 3 weeks this has happened. "Before 12". I arrive between 9am and 11:30am. And each and every single time nobody has been in.
You assfaces. If you pay the extra, then be in to sign for it. We've all done it, expecting a delivery of something so you take the morning off work or get up early if you're off. And you wait.
As soon as it's 12pm, go off and do stuff, I failed in my duty to deliver before the appointed time. But nooooooooooo, you have to be out don't you?
Magazines
You're invalid or lazy and can't be arsed to go to the shop to buy your Motorcycle News Monthly or FHM or Caravan World or Radio Times.
So I have the pleasure of 117 houses with heavy-ass mags I can buy in WHSmiths. And, this is the real redfacer, oftentimes a house will have 3-4 copies of the Radio Times, all addressed to different people.
WHY? WHY ARE YOU SO GODDAMN STUPID YOU NEED 3 COPIES? There is no excuse to need multiple copies of the same magazine delivered. Get in your SUV, drive the 110 yards to the local shops and. Buy. A. Magazine.
Massive Packets
Use your water-filled heads here people, some things will not go through your front door and chances are you'll be at work anyway.
So the following articles, all personally witnessed by myself, shall no longer be eligible for your weary Postman to lug around for 4hrs:
Footballs - Buy one and kick it you monger
Exhaust System - I'd like to shoot your children for that one you ass
Yukka Plant - I am not David Bellamy or Ray Mears
A Kite - Yep, a fully-extended Kite wrapped in newspaper.
Think to yourself, "Do I dabble in physics?" before you attempt to post something to your retard relatives in some vast concrete toilet in Essex
Correct Address
Seems obvious doesn't it? You learn this stuff at school, "Name. Address. Town. Postcode". Simple.
So don't just put "Sanjay Seervajingh, Church Langley, Harlow" you clown.
Try, before you squash that letter through the postbox with your flippers, to think "Now have I put all the details down?" before monging off to watch Casualty and Eastenders.
Or, my favourite so far, "Bill. Harlow. Esexx"
Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
Crap jokes about the weather
We've heard them. All of them. Every variation. If you must speak, nod and say "Morning Postie", this is fine and very welcome in fact.
Don't say "Nice weather for ducks", because that's nonsensical.
Don't say "Rather you than me", because Postie will stop in his tracks, make a note of your door number and forget to deliver your post for the next day.
Don't say "Hope you can swim! Hahahahaha!"
Don't say "Cor, you'll be home in time for neighbours wontcha?"
Don't say "Where's Bill/Sam/Steve then? On holiday?", or if you must, then don't look puzzled when Postie says "Nope, stolen by gypsies. Or dead. I forget which" before walking across your front lawn and on to the next house.
Don't say "Oh, my post is wet" when it's thumping down and your Postman looks bedraggled and very, very angry at your jawdropping stupidity.
Of course it's wet, I've been carrying it in my arm for 20 mins whilst water falls out the sky onto it and me.
You spastic.
----
That'll do for now.
Royal Mail - We loathe you more than you do us.
But it's still the most fun job I've had in 31 years.
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Off-topic, but do you ever get tempted to take a sneaky peek at the contents of a households mail?
I've always wondered that about Post-people.
I've always wondered that about Post-people.
Whitestripes DX wrote:
> I think you're assuming too much.
>
> The only baby ranting I see here is from a delivery man who is
> complaining about having to deliver stuff he doesn't like.
---
"It's your job to deliver stuff.
I don't see waiters moaning about how much food they have to carry round.
If the postal service is too dumb to realise that large parcels should be delivered by a guy in a van it's not our fault. Get over it."
Assume? Tsk tsk, that's hardly assuming now is it, reading your post exactly.
"waiters moaning about how much food they have to carry round"
Except I've done nothing comparable.
Read it again, I'll break the big words down if you like?
Y'see Whitestripes, it's called "humour", hence everybody else got it.
But, once again, you'll postpostpost in a one-upmanship attempt and being all Internet-smartguy.
So go for it, knockyourself out.
Just don't try and make out you didn't say something when you did.
That's what Belldandy does, and we all know what happens to him.
*shooty fingerwink*
> I think you're assuming too much.
>
> The only baby ranting I see here is from a delivery man who is
> complaining about having to deliver stuff he doesn't like.
---
"It's your job to deliver stuff.
I don't see waiters moaning about how much food they have to carry round.
If the postal service is too dumb to realise that large parcels should be delivered by a guy in a van it's not our fault. Get over it."
Assume? Tsk tsk, that's hardly assuming now is it, reading your post exactly.
"waiters moaning about how much food they have to carry round"
Except I've done nothing comparable.
Read it again, I'll break the big words down if you like?
Y'see Whitestripes, it's called "humour", hence everybody else got it.
But, once again, you'll postpostpost in a one-upmanship attempt and being all Internet-smartguy.
So go for it, knockyourself out.
Just don't try and make out you didn't say something when you did.
That's what Belldandy does, and we all know what happens to him.
*shooty fingerwink*
I'm just trying to figure out what the hell a "shooty fingerwink" is.
gamesfreak wrote:
> Off-topic, but do you ever get tempted to take a sneaky peek at the
> contents of a households mail?
>
> I've always wondered that about Post-people
-=---
Not personally.
You dont' even look at the names, it's just the number and street name.
You end up recognising what's a credit card, what's a pin number, what's a DVD etc etc, but hopefully, your postman is honest and wouldn't take advantage.
But I'm old fashioned like that.
Twice this week I've knocked on somebody's door to tell them they've left keys in the lock and they've all been "Oh? Oh thanks! Sorry!"
No doubt some posties are thieves, but that's the same for every profession
> Off-topic, but do you ever get tempted to take a sneaky peek at the
> contents of a households mail?
>
> I've always wondered that about Post-people
-=---
Not personally.
You dont' even look at the names, it's just the number and street name.
You end up recognising what's a credit card, what's a pin number, what's a DVD etc etc, but hopefully, your postman is honest and wouldn't take advantage.
But I'm old fashioned like that.
Twice this week I've knocked on somebody's door to tell them they've left keys in the lock and they've all been "Oh? Oh thanks! Sorry!"
No doubt some posties are thieves, but that's the same for every profession
Ashman wrote:
> How the hell can an elastic band in your driveway annoy you?
See I would think that. But after constant years of picking up wet and dirty elastic bands it's driven me mental.
All because the git can't stick it in his pocket.
> How the hell can an elastic band in your driveway annoy you?
See I would think that. But after constant years of picking up wet and dirty elastic bands it's driven me mental.
All because the git can't stick it in his pocket.
Ah well, I guess I don't talk from experience.
No, you're right. I'm a nutter.
My postmen are neds but they're alright, bring my wage slip on time.
My postmen are neds but they're alright, bring my wage slip on time.
No, please.
What the hell is a shooty fingerwink?
What the hell is a shooty fingerwink?
Goatboy wrote:
> Assume? Tsk tsk, that's hardly assuming now is it, reading your post
> exactly.
> "waiters moaning about how much food they have to carry
> round"
Nothing about weight there I'm afraid, 'amount' has a different meaning.
> Except I've done nothing comparable.
There's a paragraph called 'Massive Packets'. Besides, the point was to show how people complain about doing something that is actually part of what they're being paid to do.
> Read it again, I'll break the big words down if you like?
Stunning.
>
> Y'see Whitestripes, it's called "humour", hence everybody
> else got it.
I got the point, just wanted to see if you were really red faced angry man calling everyone scum about some annoying deliveries, 'cause I wouldn't like that
> But, once again, you'll postpostpost in a one-upmanship attempt and
> being all Internet-smartguy.
I don't need to be doing with that, just making a fair point. It wasn't meant to be an attack or anything.
> Just don't try and make out you didn't say something when you did.
I haven't, have I?
> *shooty fingerwink *
Kapow *click click*
> Assume? Tsk tsk, that's hardly assuming now is it, reading your post
> exactly.
> "waiters moaning about how much food they have to carry
> round"
Nothing about weight there I'm afraid, 'amount' has a different meaning.
> Except I've done nothing comparable.
There's a paragraph called 'Massive Packets'. Besides, the point was to show how people complain about doing something that is actually part of what they're being paid to do.
> Read it again, I'll break the big words down if you like?
Stunning.
>
> Y'see Whitestripes, it's called "humour", hence everybody
> else got it.
I got the point, just wanted to see if you were really red faced angry man calling everyone scum about some annoying deliveries, 'cause I wouldn't like that
> But, once again, you'll postpostpost in a one-upmanship attempt and
> being all Internet-smartguy.
I don't need to be doing with that, just making a fair point. It wasn't meant to be an attack or anything.
> Just don't try and make out you didn't say something when you did.
I haven't, have I?
> *shooty fingerwink *
Kapow *click click*
If the postman leaves one elastic band a week in front of Sheepy's door, then after 10 years there'd be a giant elastic band-ball and guy with a stripey sweater and no girlfriend, standing proudly on the path, answering local press interest about how long it took to collect all the elastic bands and how high the elastic band-ball would bounce if it was dropped from a high building onto concrete.
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