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You read in the news about performance issues in London and some other places and you nodded, thought "Bloody post" and swapped stories about waiting for 3 days for a letter that should have arrived tomorrow.
You complain because your dvd doesn't arrive within 3 days from play.com, or Amazon hasn't arrived even though you requested special delivery.
Or you whinge to your family when the postie hasn't arrived by 10am and you've been hanging about waiting for that letter and blah blah blah blah.
Some of these are fair comment, some of them are tedious noise that nobody cares about or pays attention to.
However, we detest you as much as you moan about us.
Not all of you, don't get me wrong. But an awful lot of you.
Why? Here's a few inside secrets for you.
And obviously I don't speak for Royal Mail, or anybody else except for myself, so it's not potentially slanderous.
Special Delivery
These are those letters/packets with the grey sticker that says "Before 12pm", these are the packets you pay extra for because they're extremely important and you have to recieve it.
Fair enough.
SO GODDAM BE IN WHEN I DELIVER IT THEN.
9 times in the past 3 weeks this has happened. "Before 12". I arrive between 9am and 11:30am. And each and every single time nobody has been in.
You assfaces. If you pay the extra, then be in to sign for it. We've all done it, expecting a delivery of something so you take the morning off work or get up early if you're off. And you wait.
As soon as it's 12pm, go off and do stuff, I failed in my duty to deliver before the appointed time. But nooooooooooo, you have to be out don't you?
Magazines
You're invalid or lazy and can't be arsed to go to the shop to buy your Motorcycle News Monthly or FHM or Caravan World or Radio Times.
So I have the pleasure of 117 houses with heavy-ass mags I can buy in WHSmiths. And, this is the real redfacer, oftentimes a house will have 3-4 copies of the Radio Times, all addressed to different people.
WHY? WHY ARE YOU SO GODDAMN STUPID YOU NEED 3 COPIES? There is no excuse to need multiple copies of the same magazine delivered. Get in your SUV, drive the 110 yards to the local shops and. Buy. A. Magazine.
Massive Packets
Use your water-filled heads here people, some things will not go through your front door and chances are you'll be at work anyway.
So the following articles, all personally witnessed by myself, shall no longer be eligible for your weary Postman to lug around for 4hrs:
Footballs - Buy one and kick it you monger
Exhaust System - I'd like to shoot your children for that one you ass
Yukka Plant - I am not David Bellamy or Ray Mears
A Kite - Yep, a fully-extended Kite wrapped in newspaper.
Think to yourself, "Do I dabble in physics?" before you attempt to post something to your retard relatives in some vast concrete toilet in Essex
Correct Address
Seems obvious doesn't it? You learn this stuff at school, "Name. Address. Town. Postcode". Simple.
So don't just put "Sanjay Seervajingh, Church Langley, Harlow" you clown.
Try, before you squash that letter through the postbox with your flippers, to think "Now have I put all the details down?" before monging off to watch Casualty and Eastenders.
Or, my favourite so far, "Bill. Harlow. Esexx"
Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
Crap jokes about the weather
We've heard them. All of them. Every variation. If you must speak, nod and say "Morning Postie", this is fine and very welcome in fact.
Don't say "Nice weather for ducks", because that's nonsensical.
Don't say "Rather you than me", because Postie will stop in his tracks, make a note of your door number and forget to deliver your post for the next day.
Don't say "Hope you can swim! Hahahahaha!"
Don't say "Cor, you'll be home in time for neighbours wontcha?"
Don't say "Where's Bill/Sam/Steve then? On holiday?", or if you must, then don't look puzzled when Postie says "Nope, stolen by gypsies. Or dead. I forget which" before walking across your front lawn and on to the next house.
Don't say "Oh, my post is wet" when it's thumping down and your Postman looks bedraggled and very, very angry at your jawdropping stupidity.
Of course it's wet, I've been carrying it in my arm for 20 mins whilst water falls out the sky onto it and me.
You spastic.
----
That'll do for now.
Royal Mail - We loathe you more than you do us.
But it's still the most fun job I've had in 31 years.
You complain because your dvd doesn't arrive within 3 days from play.com, or Amazon hasn't arrived even though you requested special delivery.
Or you whinge to your family when the postie hasn't arrived by 10am and you've been hanging about waiting for that letter and blah blah blah blah.
Some of these are fair comment, some of them are tedious noise that nobody cares about or pays attention to.
However, we detest you as much as you moan about us.
Not all of you, don't get me wrong. But an awful lot of you.
Why? Here's a few inside secrets for you.
And obviously I don't speak for Royal Mail, or anybody else except for myself, so it's not potentially slanderous.
Special Delivery
These are those letters/packets with the grey sticker that says "Before 12pm", these are the packets you pay extra for because they're extremely important and you have to recieve it.
Fair enough.
SO GODDAM BE IN WHEN I DELIVER IT THEN.
9 times in the past 3 weeks this has happened. "Before 12". I arrive between 9am and 11:30am. And each and every single time nobody has been in.
You assfaces. If you pay the extra, then be in to sign for it. We've all done it, expecting a delivery of something so you take the morning off work or get up early if you're off. And you wait.
As soon as it's 12pm, go off and do stuff, I failed in my duty to deliver before the appointed time. But nooooooooooo, you have to be out don't you?
Magazines
You're invalid or lazy and can't be arsed to go to the shop to buy your Motorcycle News Monthly or FHM or Caravan World or Radio Times.
So I have the pleasure of 117 houses with heavy-ass mags I can buy in WHSmiths. And, this is the real redfacer, oftentimes a house will have 3-4 copies of the Radio Times, all addressed to different people.
WHY? WHY ARE YOU SO GODDAMN STUPID YOU NEED 3 COPIES? There is no excuse to need multiple copies of the same magazine delivered. Get in your SUV, drive the 110 yards to the local shops and. Buy. A. Magazine.
Massive Packets
Use your water-filled heads here people, some things will not go through your front door and chances are you'll be at work anyway.
So the following articles, all personally witnessed by myself, shall no longer be eligible for your weary Postman to lug around for 4hrs:
Footballs - Buy one and kick it you monger
Exhaust System - I'd like to shoot your children for that one you ass
Yukka Plant - I am not David Bellamy or Ray Mears
A Kite - Yep, a fully-extended Kite wrapped in newspaper.
Think to yourself, "Do I dabble in physics?" before you attempt to post something to your retard relatives in some vast concrete toilet in Essex
Correct Address
Seems obvious doesn't it? You learn this stuff at school, "Name. Address. Town. Postcode". Simple.
So don't just put "Sanjay Seervajingh, Church Langley, Harlow" you clown.
Try, before you squash that letter through the postbox with your flippers, to think "Now have I put all the details down?" before monging off to watch Casualty and Eastenders.
Or, my favourite so far, "Bill. Harlow. Esexx"
Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
Crap jokes about the weather
We've heard them. All of them. Every variation. If you must speak, nod and say "Morning Postie", this is fine and very welcome in fact.
Don't say "Nice weather for ducks", because that's nonsensical.
Don't say "Rather you than me", because Postie will stop in his tracks, make a note of your door number and forget to deliver your post for the next day.
Don't say "Hope you can swim! Hahahahaha!"
Don't say "Cor, you'll be home in time for neighbours wontcha?"
Don't say "Where's Bill/Sam/Steve then? On holiday?", or if you must, then don't look puzzled when Postie says "Nope, stolen by gypsies. Or dead. I forget which" before walking across your front lawn and on to the next house.
Don't say "Oh, my post is wet" when it's thumping down and your Postman looks bedraggled and very, very angry at your jawdropping stupidity.
Of course it's wet, I've been carrying it in my arm for 20 mins whilst water falls out the sky onto it and me.
You spastic.
----
That'll do for now.
Royal Mail - We loathe you more than you do us.
But it's still the most fun job I've had in 31 years.
Page:
munn wrote:
> Edgy wrote:
> We've actually had mail in telling us to pay credit card debts
> before
> we got the letter.
>
> How is that a postman's fault?
> You tool. Be more proficient with your credit payments then, don't
> blame me because you spent it all on wankmags and dairy products.
> Now go do your homework.
>
> Agreed there. It doesn't take much to set up a direct debit to pay
> off credit cards.
>
> But if I don't want to set up a direct debit, I should still be
> getting my mail on time, which I'm not.
>
> Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the posties themselves,
> I'd figure tehy deliver everything they get, unless it has no
> address, it msut be the sorting offices that screw it up in some
> way.
> If the postie doesn't get the letter to deliver to me, he can't
> really deliver it to me, can he?
Agreed, the posties have a frustrating job, one I'd never take, but what really peeves me off is that my mate about a minute or two round the corner gets his post at about 9am, yet I get it nearer to 12pm. Does it take the postie three hours to walk from my mate's house from here?
Oh, and today I saw a postie delivering stuff at 2pm, so I laughed.
> Edgy wrote:
> We've actually had mail in telling us to pay credit card debts
> before
> we got the letter.
>
> How is that a postman's fault?
> You tool. Be more proficient with your credit payments then, don't
> blame me because you spent it all on wankmags and dairy products.
> Now go do your homework.
>
> Agreed there. It doesn't take much to set up a direct debit to pay
> off credit cards.
>
> But if I don't want to set up a direct debit, I should still be
> getting my mail on time, which I'm not.
>
> Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the posties themselves,
> I'd figure tehy deliver everything they get, unless it has no
> address, it msut be the sorting offices that screw it up in some
> way.
> If the postie doesn't get the letter to deliver to me, he can't
> really deliver it to me, can he?
Agreed, the posties have a frustrating job, one I'd never take, but what really peeves me off is that my mate about a minute or two round the corner gets his post at about 9am, yet I get it nearer to 12pm. Does it take the postie three hours to walk from my mate's house from here?
Oh, and today I saw a postie delivering stuff at 2pm, so I laughed.
Goatboy wrote:
> ----
>
> Ok Mr Pink, nobody is talking about waiters except you.
> C'mon, give it to me! Tell me I'm "gay" and stuff, that'll
> really really hurt!
Use lube.
> ----
>
> Ok Mr Pink, nobody is talking about waiters except you.
> C'mon, give it to me! Tell me I'm "gay" and stuff, that'll
> really really hurt!
Use lube.
Whitestripes DX wrote:
> It's your job to deliver stuff.
>
> I don't see waiters moaning about how much food they have to carry
> round.
That's because they get to spit in it.
> It's your job to deliver stuff.
>
> I don't see waiters moaning about how much food they have to carry
> round.
That's because they get to spit in it.
Edgy wrote:
> We've actually had mail in telling us to pay credit card debts
> before
> we got the letter.
>
> How is that a postman's fault?
> You tool. Be more proficient with your credit payments then, don't
> blame me because you spent it all on wankmags and dairy products.
> Now go do your homework.
>
> Agreed there. It doesn't take much to set up a direct debit to pay
> off credit cards.
But if I don't want to set up a direct debit, I should still be getting my mail on time, which I'm not.
Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the posties themselves, I'd figure tehy deliver everything they get, unless it has no address, it msut be the sorting offices that screw it up in some way.
If the postie doesn't get the letter to deliver to me, he can't really deliver it to me, can he?
> We've actually had mail in telling us to pay credit card debts
> before
> we got the letter.
>
> How is that a postman's fault?
> You tool. Be more proficient with your credit payments then, don't
> blame me because you spent it all on wankmags and dairy products.
> Now go do your homework.
>
> Agreed there. It doesn't take much to set up a direct debit to pay
> off credit cards.
But if I don't want to set up a direct debit, I should still be getting my mail on time, which I'm not.
Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the posties themselves, I'd figure tehy deliver everything they get, unless it has no address, it msut be the sorting offices that screw it up in some way.
If the postie doesn't get the letter to deliver to me, he can't really deliver it to me, can he?
Goatboy wrote:
> We've actually had mail in telling us to pay credit card debts
> before
> we got the letter.
>
> How is that a postman's fault?
> You tool. Be more proficient with your credit payments then, don't
> blame me because you spent it all on wankmags and dairy products.
> Now go do your homework.
I didn't say it was a postmans fault.
It's the Royal Mails fault, I should have got the letter ages before, but I didn't. How the hell is that my fault?
> We've actually had mail in telling us to pay credit card debts
> before
> we got the letter.
>
> How is that a postman's fault?
> You tool. Be more proficient with your credit payments then, don't
> blame me because you spent it all on wankmags and dairy products.
> Now go do your homework.
I didn't say it was a postmans fault.
It's the Royal Mails fault, I should have got the letter ages before, but I didn't. How the hell is that my fault?
My postman is a woman, and she's bustluscious. She brings me goodies in little parcels. I love her.
now... I don't have a problem with the postmen themselves... hmm apart from maybe our new one... but I do have a problem with the royal mail! This person sent a package by recorded delivery. Only a small package, game size. He went to the post office, got the stamps, got the recordedness on it and the post office took it off him to send. Now... I spent AGES waiting for this game to arrive because, guess what, the royal mail wanted to try and swindle some money out of me! Not only did they issue the stamps, but they ALSO overcharged the guy who sent me the game. So we went to pick it up from the post office peoples and the envelope said he had underpaied by 9p, not forgetting the £1 handeling fee. So the dude behind the counter weighed it, said that he'd actually overpaied, said the royal mail do nothing for him and just try and get peoples money so he said we didn't have to pay for it :)
UP THE POSTIES!
BOOOO ROYAL MAIL, I HATE YOU
UP THE POSTIES!
BOOOO ROYAL MAIL, I HATE YOU
Goatbi you must be my postman. Because he's rubbish.
Goaty = posty? Huh?
Yes, I had a package posted on the 29th of August, the bihatches still haven't posted it to me. Oh, the horror :0x
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