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"Career Seeking"

It seems to me so often that I have little passion for life. That I feel no love, or compassion, that no compliment ever lifts me and no critic could ever insult me.

Absolute emptiness, void of love, perhaps that's what depression is. The inability to find reward or satisfaction in anything.

Personally I love to be challenged, but I often set my sights too high, aiming to work to a ridiculous amount of pressure, which always ends in failure. Finding a balance can prove difficult.

However, perhaps I'm thinking less of myself than I really am. Is it possible, beyond all the apparent emptiness, that I am indeed a very passionate person, but simply bored of all I've surrounded myself with?

Excitement, for me, comes from change. From not being able to predict so easily what's coming, what's around the corner. I love driving for that reason.

Unpredictability keeps me alive, the surprise and shock. Unfortunately, I don't know why, but my own mind tends to quickly and very easily find patterns in all I do, and it becomes boring to me. It's certainly a talent I have, to find patterns, but it's also my curse, and I swear it's slowly killing me.

Perhaps I'm fickle, or maybe I just demand more. Even if my predictions are right or not, what I really need is something that I can't even begin to learn patterns to so easily. Science bores me, utterly, because of this. Reward comes surely in the unpredictable, but how often would that occur?

But is it even possible to settle into spontaneous-ism? What job could bring that satisfaction? I love things that I cannot predict, but do I have to spend my entire life jumping from one job to another just to satisfy myself?

I seek excitement, and without it I become slow and depressed, and my mind becomes more tangled just to keep me from killing myself.

It's a bit of a vicious circle too, because I fear change, but I'm not even sure why. To be honest, I think that fear's fading now. I guess I'm more afraid of being too pinned down by work, or having too much responsibility.

I really need to employ my imagination a bit more in 'real life'.. it's there to keep me alive after all.

But what's good for spontaneous living? What possible course could I study at University that could match up to that?

I'm so puzzled over what to actually do with myself, but at least this is a big step in actually realising what I enjoy. It's really a horrible thought to believe that you have no passion for anything, that you've been worn down. Ugh.

So I don't suppose anyone has any ideas? Things that wouldn't become repetitive or boring, without being so creative? (I'm trying to leave creativity out of it, as I'd rather write as a hobby.)

Thanks for any help.

Grix Thraves wrote:

> But what's good for spontaneous living? What possible course could I
> study at University that could match up to that?

Media studies: you'll never know what crap they'd lecture on next. "Yes you will become a film star/work in the film industry by writing a critique of Bladerunner".

Failing that, quantam physics deals with spontaneous actions and interactions at an atomic and sub-atomic level.

Or simply wander the country like the littlest hobbo, going from town to town helping people, making new friends but not settling down because you know it's time to move on. Perhaps one day you will settle down but until then you'd just keep moving on.

Hobo is one of my various dreams actually, along with being a Thunderbird and a Ghostbuster.

Doing some serious thinking about photography though, I've called a meeting, but I'm not sure when we're all available.

Maybe a war/current events photographer, keep you on your toes and you'd never get into a set routine....

Heh. This thread sounds very much like my position in many ways.

Change and variety, yes, that's essential. But how indeed.

Yeah.. photojournalism seems much a much better way of communicating news than writing, if not as thorough.. I mean, a photo isn't biased, left or right wing, it won't tell you what to do and it doesn't ask you to make judgement. It's a photo, a picture, you can make of it what you will.

The only problem I'd have with it is finding the morals of being in the fray, but with a camera. If there were people dying around me, people in need of aid, I wouldn't just be able to take pictures (even if I could in the first place), I'd have to help them too.. but it seems like such a just cause, a job to actually be proud of, not having to change the world or try and get someone to buy your product, but just to show people pictures from around the world that hopefully look pretty interesting.

Thinking about it, why am I worried about being in the fray with a camera? What moral value does it even compare to, to being there with a gun? I'd rather photograph something other than war though..

But how do you even get into something like that anyway? I've actually sold some of my pictures (pictures of the coast to tourist bed and breakfast places), but to do it professional.. well apart from seeming really exciting, I have no idea what to do.

I guess University, doing a course would help open my choices quite a bit. Need to find other people who've done this..