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"Career Seeking"

It seems to me so often that I have little passion for life. That I feel no love, or compassion, that no compliment ever lifts me and no critic could ever insult me.

Absolute emptiness, void of love, perhaps that's what depression is. The inability to find reward or satisfaction in anything.

Personally I love to be challenged, but I often set my sights too high, aiming to work to a ridiculous amount of pressure, which always ends in failure. Finding a balance can prove difficult.

However, perhaps I'm thinking less of myself than I really am. Is it possible, beyond all the apparent emptiness, that I am indeed a very passionate person, but simply bored of all I've surrounded myself with?

Excitement, for me, comes from change. From not being able to predict so easily what's coming, what's around the corner. I love driving for that reason.

Unpredictability keeps me alive, the surprise and shock. Unfortunately, I don't know why, but my own mind tends to quickly and very easily find patterns in all I do, and it becomes boring to me. It's certainly a talent I have, to find patterns, but it's also my curse, and I swear it's slowly killing me.

Perhaps I'm fickle, or maybe I just demand more. Even if my predictions are right or not, what I really need is something that I can't even begin to learn patterns to so easily. Science bores me, utterly, because of this. Reward comes surely in the unpredictable, but how often would that occur?

But is it even possible to settle into spontaneous-ism? What job could bring that satisfaction? I love things that I cannot predict, but do I have to spend my entire life jumping from one job to another just to satisfy myself?

I seek excitement, and without it I become slow and depressed, and my mind becomes more tangled just to keep me from killing myself.

It's a bit of a vicious circle too, because I fear change, but I'm not even sure why. To be honest, I think that fear's fading now. I guess I'm more afraid of being too pinned down by work, or having too much responsibility.

I really need to employ my imagination a bit more in 'real life'.. it's there to keep me alive after all.

But what's good for spontaneous living? What possible course could I study at University that could match up to that?

I'm so puzzled over what to actually do with myself, but at least this is a big step in actually realising what I enjoy. It's really a horrible thought to believe that you have no passion for anything, that you've been worn down. Ugh.

So I don't suppose anyone has any ideas? Things that wouldn't become repetitive or boring, without being so creative? (I'm trying to leave creativity out of it, as I'd rather write as a hobby.)

Thanks for any help.

Grix Thraves wrote:
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> As for the art thing, I can't draw/paint/do much

Ahh, so you'd be a 'modern artist'.

There are lots of types of artists though, as BG suggested Photography is a good choice. I can't draw or make things to save my life, but I did an AS in photography because it meant I could express things in art without having to draw. And then when it came to our practical exam and everyone was busy in the art department making large installations/models/statues etc as part of their display, it just had the most wonderful atmosphere, the kind you only get when everyone is calm, friendly and really enjoying what they are doing.

An RE teacher from our school left for 3 years to travel Europe and Asia, he came back near the end of year 11 and took over our RE class. He was really glad he had done it and had a lot of interesting stories and photos of the things he'd done. I'm considering it myself after I've finished Uni.

You think I've got THIS far by having talent?

Come on, I didn't draw that, I traced it. :D

Grix Thraves wrote:
> As for the art thing, I can't draw/paint

Have you seen your Terrence thing?!

Photographer's passed my mind a few times... really considering it actually. Thanks for bringing it forward in my head a bit, need that every now and again.

Photographer?
It's kind of an instant thing, I suppose - everchanging subject and all that. A photographic journalist who captures all types of diverse events, from war to tradegy to triumph to - whatever. More to do with reality than fantasy/creativity.

Hack knows how one becomes such a person though.

DIE

McDonald's for you m'lad

And again, want to do a job I can depend on, but still changes... I can't always depend on my imagination, I do need the excitement of the job.

Oh, to Foszy that was.

As for the art thing, I can't draw/paint/do much but write for sh*te. I rhyme occasionally, but not all that well.

erm, really trying to get away from the boring pattern stuff, you know?

Thanks though?