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"Sorting my head out."

Again I’ve slumped into the feverish pit of depression for no apparent reason.

A state of mind that I am quite frankly sick of. It shadows over me like an eclipse and sucks any feeling of happiness I possess.

Sometimes, when I am lucky, the depression doesn’t last long. Other times I can sulk for days, not eat or sleep – just stare at my wall, asking myself one word – “why”

I have no idea what I am doing in this life. I want to be a writer, what chance do I really have? Anyone can mash a keyboard, the Alevel A grade rates are through the roof – I have no shot at a future that will offer me happiness.

I heard someone say once that people don’t fear death, they fear being forgotten. That’s what I fear anyway. I fear I will grow old, lose touch with the few friends I have and die alone and have a state funeral. That thought make me feel positively sick.

More and more lately I have thought about suicide as a serious option. I know most people consider it the cowards way out- but how many of you actually have the guts to kill yourself? It’s a drastic measure and something of a last resort, but it isn’t without it’s charms. If I killed myself I wouldn’t be forgotten. Everyone at my school and sixth form would remember me as “the guy that killed himself” – well, technically I’d be the second – a lad in year 9 hung himself and he’s not being forgotten.

Did you know children in Japan kill themselves in exams if they fear they cannot do the paper by putting a pencil in their nostril and hitting it on the bottom with the palm of their hand sending the pencil into their brain? If someone dies during an exam they are guaranteed a pass.

I know I probably don’t have the guts to kill myself, I’m a coward really. I’m not one for self harm, I think that really is a cry for help – I don’t need help, nobody can help. If I can figure out what’s wrong with my life then how can anyone else?

I guess this will be branded as a pathetic attention seeking ploy – call it whatever you want, I don’t care. I think writing this has just helped me understand things a little better and that’s what I sort of needed right about now.

Oh and no, this isn’t one of those crappy realism things I write, this is genuine.


I think I'm going to take some time out - probably wont post here for a while - I need to sort my head out.

Thanks if you read it.

I've read the post, i haven't read any of the replies though so i may repeat something thats already been said anyway.
I know it stalks you and it can happen anytime and it took me 6 years to just accept it and learn how to cope, the key is to realise it will pass and know when it's coming.
I used to react to it and it was a disaster because you can never think clearly enough to make the right choices, i used to take my life apart piece by piece in my head and only knowing it would pass kept me from acting out on my thoughts, unfortunatly i worked it out too late, it cost me my education, job and girlfriend/friend of 6 years, you still have your life, i saw your exam results, the best way to cope it to not act on whatever is in your head, i used to clean obcessively to stop me thinking and thats fine but it caused me problems when i had nothing else to do, find something to do if it helps you switch off.
And yes you are right about the suicide thing, it's crossed my mind many times and if i believed there was something else after then i would have taken that option.

This is a patchetic attention seeking ploy and nerrrr nerrerer ner.

Foszy wrote:
> SHEEPY wrote:
> ALl this depression is making me depressed
>
> *farts*

It's now time for you to go on my ignore list. I hope you enjoy the company.

Why gerrid why?

oh not you sheepy dear.

Defenetly, you are young and have a whole life ahead of you. Ok so you might have been told that many times but its true. Everyone goes through bad times in there life, and god i have been through so many. Sometimes my life has been great and others its been so bad i have wanted to give up. Im still here and there is still things in my life that need sorting.

You will find what you want to do with your life soon enough, All i use to do from when i was young until college was express myself with Art, Fashion, and photography. I enjoyed it that much i did it day in day out without a second thought. Thats what i wanted to do thats were i wanted to be. Ok so i never continued with it all after 2 years of Art college. Which at times i regret.

Then my family was drifting apart and all i ever wanted was a family that stuck together and would be forever. I lost my dad when i was young my grandad died too, then i lost a few friends. All i then wanted was a family of my own to have my own family while my family was going through ups and downs. Here i am now in a fab relationship that has improved sooo much a son i adore and another baby on the way.

My life has changed rapidly these last few years and its made me a better person. I have what i have always wanted. Ok so its not most peoples ideal life but its mine and i am happier then i have ever been in ages.

You will get there, you will go through stages of being on a downer i think a majority of people have been there. Take some time out and have fun, clear your head then see how you feel about things and what you want to do.

I deceided not to start a new topic.

I don't want to kill myself but I'm fed up of being bored with life. Just doing stuff in and out, bored to death. Pretty much everyone apart from my mum, dad and brother that I've put trust in abandon me and let me down. University is an anti-climax, I don't know anyone though that is my own fault.

Now a prospect of another Winter, travelling 3 hours a day for Uni and working with no social life, really doesn't appeal to me.


I'm thinking of doing something else with my life but I'm not sue what.

Oh, and congratulations Angel.

SHEEPY wrote:
> Oh, and congratulations Angel.

Cheers Sheepy. :-)

I hope you find what you want to do soon. :-)

According to the "experts", exercise is one of the very best 'cures' for anyone suffering in Depression. And yes, from my own experience, I can say it does help to get out and about; pumping legs down country roads, beating that football like your name's David Bentley...! :)

Then again, while I feel I've had a fairly bad dose of Depression over the last 18 months, I haven't had it as bad as you see to, Paradox. I've never once thought about 'self-harm' or even suicide - never even joked about it.


Another 'cure', which I can personally reccomend, is to get out and see something so valuable to you in life that you see as worth living for; worth fighting for, in the long run.

Although, it's not always that easy.

Much of the time, it could be Love that lifts you up. It could even be music...

This past weekend, I went to see some of my familly whom I had not seen for over a year now. 2 half-sisters. One neice and 3 nephews - how they'd all grown up so much. Now, they can all talk to you! It's amazing!!
Plus, there's another one, barely 6-months-old, I had not seen before.

There was something about seeing them all again that made me realise all sorts things. Perhaps it was that things do move on and change over time? There is something to look forward to. You're not alone.


I guess, you could benefit from finding it yourself. :)

Also, didn't you go on holiday recently?
'Post-Holiday Blues' is a very common thing. It can hit you hard (especially returning to this country), and it can last a while too. That can't be helping, either.

And, I know it's hard when you get 'comfortable', but sometimes, you need to break that 'Routine' of yours in order to try somethings new in a different direction.

I like to live my life by certain 'rules' and in a certain way, also... But, at times, I know - and feel - that things must change, if only for a few hours or so.