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"Sorting my head out."

Again I’ve slumped into the feverish pit of depression for no apparent reason.

A state of mind that I am quite frankly sick of. It shadows over me like an eclipse and sucks any feeling of happiness I possess.

Sometimes, when I am lucky, the depression doesn’t last long. Other times I can sulk for days, not eat or sleep – just stare at my wall, asking myself one word – “why”

I have no idea what I am doing in this life. I want to be a writer, what chance do I really have? Anyone can mash a keyboard, the Alevel A grade rates are through the roof – I have no shot at a future that will offer me happiness.

I heard someone say once that people don’t fear death, they fear being forgotten. That’s what I fear anyway. I fear I will grow old, lose touch with the few friends I have and die alone and have a state funeral. That thought make me feel positively sick.

More and more lately I have thought about suicide as a serious option. I know most people consider it the cowards way out- but how many of you actually have the guts to kill yourself? It’s a drastic measure and something of a last resort, but it isn’t without it’s charms. If I killed myself I wouldn’t be forgotten. Everyone at my school and sixth form would remember me as “the guy that killed himself” – well, technically I’d be the second – a lad in year 9 hung himself and he’s not being forgotten.

Did you know children in Japan kill themselves in exams if they fear they cannot do the paper by putting a pencil in their nostril and hitting it on the bottom with the palm of their hand sending the pencil into their brain? If someone dies during an exam they are guaranteed a pass.

I know I probably don’t have the guts to kill myself, I’m a coward really. I’m not one for self harm, I think that really is a cry for help – I don’t need help, nobody can help. If I can figure out what’s wrong with my life then how can anyone else?

I guess this will be branded as a pathetic attention seeking ploy – call it whatever you want, I don’t care. I think writing this has just helped me understand things a little better and that’s what I sort of needed right about now.

Oh and no, this isn’t one of those crappy realism things I write, this is genuine.


I think I'm going to take some time out - probably wont post here for a while - I need to sort my head out.

Thanks if you read it.

Paradox: wrote:
>
> Did you know children in Japan kill themselves in exams if they fear
> they cannot do the paper by putting a pencil in their nostril and
> hitting it on the bottom with the palm of their hand sending the
> pencil into their brain? If someone dies during an exam they are
> guaranteed a pass.
>
> *******

See, now I want to watch Battle Royale.

Black Glove wrote:
> Stare emptiness in the eye. Don't fear it. What's it gonna do? It's as
> natural as >insert futile simile< for us to feel insignificant,
> because (sadly) we are. But, and there is always "a but" -
> (hopefully a shapely one with curvaceous hips) - there's loads of
> things to do: it's all ebb and flow, ebb and flow... sometimes up,
> sometimes down - we can't escape it. Frustration at our limitations
> can be seriously infuriating, depressing, soul-destroying, but
> there's always a sunrise. The day is long and so is the night...
> 2-fingers: palm-facing peace, knuckle-facing war - ebb and flow, ebb
> and flow... Imagination is the eternal body, blah-blah-blah.

Words are a powerful tool and you're one of the few people capable of using them well. Thanks for that reply - I'm actually going to save it on my PC to read when I'm next hitting a low as it was pretty helpful.

Yay! Mass suicide!

Someone get the music, I'll get the punch.

SHEEPY wrote:
> ALl this depression is making me depressed

*farts*

ALl this depression is making me depressed

Do you really want to be remembered as the person who looked for the easy way out when the going got a little tough you killed yourself, people would remeber you and think coward or loser.

I thought it was a marvellous reply.

I have no idea what to say. I'd encourage some sort of change really, change can be good fun, can do you good, refreshing etc.

Other than that, trying to put less pressure on yourself? I have that problem too, no idea really how to stop it. If I work out, I'll tell you.

FinalFantasyFanatic wrote:
> Oh dear, BG.
> Pointing out the abstractedness totally negates it.

Abstractico kaput then, for what its worth.

There's often a rather large difference between utter despair and depression.

Think about it.

Oh dear, BG.
Pointing out the abstractedness totally negates it.

And Kyz - of all the people that should kill themselves, you're not on the list.