Viewing Thread:
"Sorting my head out."

Again I’ve slumped into the feverish pit of depression for no apparent reason.

A state of mind that I am quite frankly sick of. It shadows over me like an eclipse and sucks any feeling of happiness I possess.

Sometimes, when I am lucky, the depression doesn’t last long. Other times I can sulk for days, not eat or sleep – just stare at my wall, asking myself one word – “why”

I have no idea what I am doing in this life. I want to be a writer, what chance do I really have? Anyone can mash a keyboard, the Alevel A grade rates are through the roof – I have no shot at a future that will offer me happiness.

I heard someone say once that people don’t fear death, they fear being forgotten. That’s what I fear anyway. I fear I will grow old, lose touch with the few friends I have and die alone and have a state funeral. That thought make me feel positively sick.

More and more lately I have thought about suicide as a serious option. I know most people consider it the cowards way out- but how many of you actually have the guts to kill yourself? It’s a drastic measure and something of a last resort, but it isn’t without it’s charms. If I killed myself I wouldn’t be forgotten. Everyone at my school and sixth form would remember me as “the guy that killed himself” – well, technically I’d be the second – a lad in year 9 hung himself and he’s not being forgotten.

Did you know children in Japan kill themselves in exams if they fear they cannot do the paper by putting a pencil in their nostril and hitting it on the bottom with the palm of their hand sending the pencil into their brain? If someone dies during an exam they are guaranteed a pass.

I know I probably don’t have the guts to kill myself, I’m a coward really. I’m not one for self harm, I think that really is a cry for help – I don’t need help, nobody can help. If I can figure out what’s wrong with my life then how can anyone else?

I guess this will be branded as a pathetic attention seeking ploy – call it whatever you want, I don’t care. I think writing this has just helped me understand things a little better and that’s what I sort of needed right about now.

Oh and no, this isn’t one of those crappy realism things I write, this is genuine.


I think I'm going to take some time out - probably wont post here for a while - I need to sort my head out.

Thanks if you read it.

I like to run at night. It's quiet.

Today I managed 9km and wasnt absolutely nakkered at the end of it.

Score :-D

Paradox: wrote:
> Just some aerobic excercise like running now and again, and my
> weights. In summer I do some football etc.

Quite good, i found when i started runing again (getting fit for the rugby season) i would run to the end of the drive and be knackered, probably still carryign a little holiday weight.

Just some aerobic excercise like running now and again, and my weights. In summer I do some football etc.

Paradox: wrote:
> Solksjaer the excercise thing did help a lot.
>
> I ran 6km yesterday or thereabouts - and feel so much better for it.
> It kinda clears your head I think.
>
> I'll be doing it again tomorrow too.

6km?! Thats good, how much exercise you normally do?

Solksjaer the excercise thing did help a lot.

I ran 6km yesterday or thereabouts - and feel so much better for it. It kinda clears your head I think.

I'll be doing it again tomorrow too.

If I was ever thinking about killing myself, I'd fly over to Sudan or someplace, buy an automatic weapon and kill as many as those militia as I could, movie style, before I was cut down in a hail of bullets by a super bad guy. Why not take as many of those scum as possible with you, especially if it's true about how they rape and beat people over there. At least you won't have died in vain and you may find some reason for living. Just before you die.

I could have also gone away out of my crappy town and to the coast for the week-end with a few mates but NOOOOOOOO I need to work and I can't change one crappy 4 hour shift.

I precribe to everything you said Sol and i could understand how the exercise can help but actually being motivated to do anything is a problem as is with everything else you said, and it does help to have something you can't doubt or see anything negative in and love would be exactly that.

And, I know it's hard when you get 'comfortable', but sometimes, you need to break that 'Routine' of yours in order to try somethings new in a different direction.

I like to live my life by certain 'rules' and in a certain way, also... But, at times, I know - and feel - that things must change, if only for a few hours or so.