GetDotted Domains

Viewing Thread:
"Inspired by 'Abandoned all hope'"

The "Freeola Customer Forum" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.

Thu 26/08/04 at 21:29
Regular
Posts: 15,681
I know Paradox's post was fictional based on personal experiences, but reading that made me just want to open up on a major part of my life. It's rather insignificant on the grand scale of things and probably wont get read by many, but at the very least, it's helped me get something off of my chest and had strong theraputic value for myself.

Ever since I can remember, I've been the social outcast. Not because of anything I do or don't do. But because I'm generally shy and keep to myself. Or atleast that is the reason now.

When I was in primary school, I used to live in a small devon villiage, so there were only just over 100 of us in the school at the time anyway. At the start, I was just a kid myself, didn't have a care in the world, was naive as to what goes on in life and thought that the Gulf War was funny because they mis-spelled 'golf'. I used to like it that way. I had already built a friendship with two boys my age and only had a problem with the older kids. Thinking back, it's probably those 'older kids' who started it off into one uncontrollable downhill roll to the situation I'm in now.

I was never physically bullied. I had the sense to avoid fights, and physical challenges never appealed to me anyway. I was always one for diplomacy. However, I had to put up with the other kind of bullying. The exclusion brought on over petty things, being picked last for the football match during PE, and the verbal bullying that makes you feel small and insignificant, when deep down, you know you're better than them.

It was when I was around six I had my first relationship. It amazes me that thinking back I remember her telling me how babies were made and how insignificant that seemed to me at that age. I don't know how I fell into that relationship, but it was a bit of an ego boost. I became popular with a couple of the girls at the time, but obviously at that age, things weren't the same. I started trying too hard to fit in with the boys that I dropped my morals for a little while. In year six I remember I wouldn't let a girl in my class borrow a book to help her with her work, just because the other boys made fun of her. She hadn't done anything wrong, she was in a similar situation to me. It wasn't until I was ill one day soon after that I realised what I was doing. I felt really sick to the stomach for letting my standards drop just to fit in, whilst she was showing concern for her fellow classmate whilst I wasn't feeling too good. I never apologised, but wish I had.

Near the end of year six, my dad got a job in Cardiff and stayed at his grandmothers house whilst are house in Devon was up for sale. I didn't want to go to the highschool everyone else was going to as I was actually scared. I'd heard stories from one of my friend's older brothers as to what happens to the kids who don't quite fit in. He didn't tell me them to scare me, he probably didn't even know I was one of those kids. But I was literally scared. So I convinced my mum to let me move to live with my dad whilst the house was still on the market.

Year seven started and on my first day I felt so happy. I was anxious to start, anxious to learn and make new friends. Gone were the old days and here was a fresh new start. Atleast that was the plan.

It did actually start off well. I was the kid with the funny accent and so everyone wanted to know. But it was only after a few weeks I realised that everyone really knew someone at the school from their primary schools, and I just didn't fit into that mix. I was still being excluded over various things. It took me almost a year to find a proper friend.

Unfortunately, I had to put up with the school idiots and their constant criticisms. They couldn't just let me be, they had to try to prove their manliness to everyone else by showing they're strong. It did make me feel small and weak, however I stuck to my morals and didn't give them the satisfaction of conflict or response.

Eventually I seemed to fit in with a small crowd. Not friends that would help me in times of need, but friends that I could hang around with and not be criticised for every little thing. I did however start becomming really good friends with someone who was as crazy and fun as I am at heart, but he wasn't quiet about it at all.

He was great fun and I made friends with one or two of his friends really well. That's how I met Albino-man, who'm I consider the bestest friend a guy could ever hope to have. We had a laugh together in our own little fantasy world and things seemed to be looking up.

Then his sister came to high school. That, in itself, is no bad thing, and I place no blame on her whatsoever. I, being the nice guy I am, decided not to exclude her from what I'd consider my list of friends. She was a year 7 I was a year 10. No kind of relationship other than friendship ever happened and we had a great laugh. However, some of the guys I considered friends started poking fun at the fact I was hanging around with a year 7 girl. They were trying to make fun of me because of my lack of girlfriends and what seemed to them to be an attempt with a younger girl. I eventually lost contact with them after I finished my AS-levels a few years ago. I stayed in contact with around five of my friends and things have seemed to be easier than when in school. I wouldn't say better though.

My first job was working for Marks & Spencers. I quite enjoyed it there for the most part. I started working in the summer holidays just before the AS year. Then when I was back in school, I worked 2 evenings and a saturday a week. I mainly worked on menswear, but occasionally had to work on the other departments, including ladieswear, the cafe, homewear, childrenswear and even lingerie. About two months after I started there, a new girl started. She was beautiful! If anyone asked me for an example of the perfect girl, I would have told them her. I seemed to adopt the duty of helping her fit in at work. Gave her tips when she was struggling, advised her to listen out for a ringing phone indicating a supervisor was about. And very soon we hit it off as good friends! I, deep down, wanted more than than and I'm sure if someone watched they would have noticed that. However, she had a boyfriend and so I knew we couldn't have been any more than just friends. We still got on really well, had lots of chats and to be quite honest, she made me so excited to get to work. However, I had to leave work to concentrate on my school work, and never really saw her again, except for the odd few seconds when I cut through the shop to get to the shopping arcade.

My next job was in Game. Probably the best job I ever did have. I worked in the industry which I loved, and got to chat to likeminded people. Though I was often asked questions by a member of staff there that made me feel rather uncomfortable. They were about relationships. With the exception of a childhood love, if that's what you can call it, I'd never even had a girlfriend. I felt ashamed for it, as if I had done something wrong, but in reality, it was just a case of never finding someone with similar interests or that I just got on with well enough. In the end I left there to work for GameStation - the second worst mistake I've ever made regarding jobs.

Gamestation was like working in a slave labour camp. No professionalism, just "Do this, that and the other" and when the tills didn't cash up at the end of the day, due to the manager making a cockup, we'd all have to wait until he'd counted and recounted whilst he swore and cursed in great rage as if he'd done no wrong. The truth is, he was an ass. He had major stress issues and shouldn't have been allowed to work in a place where children were allowed in. One day he was doing delivery and something was missing. A large hole in the ceiling was enough for the whole store to hear him shout f*** at the top of his voice. I had never encountered such unprofessionalism in my life, and, because I seemed to be the one everyone else in the store came to for advice on how to deal with various situations he had caused, he plotted with the regional manager to get rid of me. I'm glad he did, as I moved on to a part time job in an office which was brilliant fun!

Working every day 5pm until 10pm. That was great. I turned up, did my job, left. Thankfully there were loads of people I just seemed to get along fine with. We had the odd mess about, and spent too much time gambling on the fruit machine (I almost always went with a profit) but I enjoyed the job so much!

One night, not long after my 18th birthday if I remember correctly, I went out with some of the guys. They wanted to see me drunk and I just went along with it. I had more cider, vodka and various alcopops than I could count, and really enjoyed the night. Half of it I don't actually recall except for still being able to direct one of the guys, who was on cola due to him driving, to where I lived without problem. It was probably one of the best nights I'd had ever, and the sad thing is, all that happened was I drank loads of drink.

My contract at that job was only temporary, so I sought more employment near the end of the contract. I ended up working back at Game during the week and for a finance company during weekends. I had to work with a stupid girl from the welsh valleys who couldn't even understand that 1 comes before 2 and that filing is something so basic that she should've been able to do it since atleast the stard of high school. She was only employed because her aunt worked for the HR department.

In Game I had gained extra duties since my previous employment with them. I enjoyed every minute of work and the interaction with customers and I had a laugh with the staff there too. Some days I took on deputy manager duties and others I advised the regional manager on how the store should look. I was a key part of the team that brought in profits, and from what I've heard, since I left, the store has gone downhill so much.

I left to take up full time employment for the finance company. That was the worst mistake. I was constantly told my work wasn't good enough, that I was making mistakes. However, I was doing exactly the same as when I worked there part time for 6 months and there wasn't a single problem with my work during that time. After three months of the full time probationary period, I was given my notice. I asked to see the mistakes I had allegedly been making, however I was told there wasn't time to show me them. I later found out the real reason was the manager just plain didn't like me. He had a reputation for getting rid of some of the best staff they'd ever had just because of his personal feelings towards a member of staff! I was glad to be out of there to be quite honest, things were dull, boring and I felt like I was working with the Flintstones half the time.

So then I worked two jobs part time - Sainsburys and a different Game store. Sainsburys I finished a couple weeks ago and Game I finish tomorrow to work full time for another office company. Hopefully things'll start looking up and I wont be faced with incompetant managers to get in the way of work.

So thats kinda my life in general - missing out a whole load of stuff, but I could go on for much longer if I wanted to, if I went into more detail about each and every thing that's made me feel up and down on an emotional rollercoaster that is my life.

At present I feel rather low if I think about how s****y things seem. I haven't had a proper girlfriend, not even kissed a girl, whereas I read how some guys here claim they've lost their virginity in their early teens. I wasn't even considering such thing then. But now I feel like I've missed out on so many experiences, and that they're going to get in the way of relationships should they develop.

I've been told by one girl I'm great friends with that I'm a great guy and should never change, but I keep thinking, if I'm such a great guy, how come things never go right for me? I put it down to the fact that no one likes the nice guy. It does make me feel rather depressed but I keep my mind active so I don't act upon it in any way. My dad doesn't help with the way he always tries to score points against me over stupid things, and the fact that I'm still a little naive about things that 19 year olds in general are normally experts at. If I had the chance to start over with the mind I have now, experiencing each and every even again, I would and I would change the way I turned out. One thing I wouldn't change, though, is my friendship with Albino-man - he's probably the best thing that's happened to me, someone I can relate to and someone I have such a laugh with. He means more to me than he can possibly imagine and I wish I had more friends like him.

So, that's my typing done. You've probably fallen asleep now or are about to reply with something so insensitive in attempt to get great pleasure out of the thought of making things worse. But as I already explained, this is the theraputic part. The typing. If I didn't post this message at all, I'd still feel better about myself. So, draw whatever conclusions you like as I'm done typing. If you read this, wow. You've got more time on your hands than I have at present! Cheers for reading though.
Sun 29/08/04 at 18:21
Regular
Posts: 15,681
What amazes me is those "quit whining" "do something about it" blah blah replies are indicating that a) This topic was a moan and b) that all I do is sit here behind my computer wondering why life sucks.

First of all, I consider this more of an insight into my life. Not a moan or any whining, just an insight as to who I am.

Secondly, yes, I've had crap jobs, but a couple of you fail to have read or taken notice that I also mentioned that I'm starting a new job soon. I am doing something about it, so this arrogant posting is purely a waste of your time.

And please tell me where I said I was special. I haven't once said I was. I believe myself to be better than many people. I wont deny that. Violence is only as a last resort, I don't set out to insult people and I stay out of trouble. How many people can say that and actually be sincere about it, eh? But special? Nope, I'm just a regular human being putting up with this life.
Sun 29/08/04 at 18:14
Regular
Posts: 9,848
And what Grix said. :-)
Sun 29/08/04 at 18:13
Regular
Posts: 9,848
He's saying not to make a big deal out of your situation, because more or less everyone feels like it from time to time, no matter how it looks from the outside, or something.

And there's nothing wrong with that.
C'est la vie.


Yeah, some people have the relationships you'd give anything for.
You probably have things they'd give anything for.
Some people will always be better off than you, but you're better off than countless billions more.

And no matter what you get you can always be wanting.


But I think he's sort of looking at this thread the wrong way, like we're crying out for sympathy for shattered lives.
Sun 29/08/04 at 18:09
Regular
"Which one's pink?"
Posts: 12,152
Grix Thraves wrote:
> I'm incredibly lonely

I assume that's excluding all your pirate friends that only you can see?
Sun 29/08/04 at 18:08
Regular
Posts: 23,216
Edgy wrote:
"Sounds like you're the kind of person who doesn't actually understand how it feels to be lonely."

I'm sorry, but really, if you want attention, just ask for it. If you want advice, listen to Sheepy. You are lonely, fine, it is no-one's, and I repeat no-one's, fault, but, yours.

If you are unhappy with the state of your life and yourself, do something about it. And as another word of advice, don't think you're REMOTELY special for feeling like this, everyone does at some point.

I'm incredibly lonely, but it's verus having to spend a lot of time and money moving away from this dump to somewhere where I'll meet a lot more people. I can't be assed, so hell, I'll remain lonely and deal with it. If you can't live with an aspect of your life, change it.
Sun 29/08/04 at 18:01
Regular
"Excommunicated"
Posts: 23,284
No, I've been extremely lonely in parts of my life.
Sun 29/08/04 at 17:37
Regular
Posts: 15,681
Heh, trust Sheepy to be rather blunt.

Sounds like you're the kind of person who doesn't actually understand how it feels to be lonely. Not as in having only a couple friends or something. But really lonely. I can be surrounded by people I know and still feel lonely.

As for your Amsterdam suggestion, I'm not necessarily looking for sex. I'd settle for a sexless relationship, infact I'd be more than happy if that were the case. Not to say I don't want sex, but I'm sure you know what I mean.
To me, a relationship is more important than physical fun.

As for everyone being nice, again, they seem to understand how it feels and can relate to my experiences in some way. They're not just being nice for the sake of it.
Sun 29/08/04 at 17:09
Regular
"Excommunicated"
Posts: 23,284
Hmmm people are being too nice

Stop whining, lots of people don't fit in, probably more than you think. Everyone has crappy jobs and hate their bosses.

As for girls, relationships are fun for a time but become tedious and end up all rubbish. Sex is great but overated and I if you're so concerned go to Amsterdam.
Sun 29/08/04 at 11:12
Regular
"RIP: Brian Clough"
Posts: 10,491
I'll give you a little example of what I'm talking about. Two friends of mine, one's a Malaysian guy - really cool, into video games, Internet and generally doing stuff and sticks by me. Uses language I can understand and is likeminded in most situations. The other friend is Indian, is insanely rich, despite him constantly asking me for money!? Anyway, he spends all day telling him about which mobile he has, which burberry jacket he's going to buy, while stealing the school's electricity to charge up his mobile. I'll play sport with him for a while, we'll have a little talk and then he 'verbally bullies' me, to which I don't say much. Ironically he himself gets bullies and always tells me about his problem. Two friends, one real - one not.
Sun 29/08/04 at 11:07
Regular
"RIP: Brian Clough"
Posts: 10,491
e-buddy. :)

Freeola & GetDotted are rated 5 Stars

Check out some of our customer reviews below:

Just a quick note to say thanks for a very good service ... in fact excellent service..
I am very happy with your customer service and speed and quality of my broadband connection .. keep up the good work . and a good new year to all of you at freeola.
Matthew Bradley
Many thanks!!
Registered my website with Freeola Sites on Tuesday. Now have full and comprehensive Google coverage for my site. Great stuff!!
John Shepherd

View More Reviews

Need some help? Give us a call on 01376 55 60 60

Go to Support Centre

It appears you are using an old browser, as such, some parts of the Freeola and Getdotted site will not work as intended. Using the latest version of your browser, or another browser such as Google Chrome, Mozilla Firefox, or Opera will provide a better, safer browsing experience for you.