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I know Paradox's post was fictional based on personal experiences, but reading that made me just want to open up on a major part of my life. It's rather insignificant on the grand scale of things and probably wont get read by many, but at the very least, it's helped me get something off of my chest and had strong theraputic value for myself.
Ever since I can remember, I've been the social outcast. Not because of anything I do or don't do. But because I'm generally shy and keep to myself. Or atleast that is the reason now.
When I was in primary school, I used to live in a small devon villiage, so there were only just over 100 of us in the school at the time anyway. At the start, I was just a kid myself, didn't have a care in the world, was naive as to what goes on in life and thought that the Gulf War was funny because they mis-spelled 'golf'. I used to like it that way. I had already built a friendship with two boys my age and only had a problem with the older kids. Thinking back, it's probably those 'older kids' who started it off into one uncontrollable downhill roll to the situation I'm in now.
I was never physically bullied. I had the sense to avoid fights, and physical challenges never appealed to me anyway. I was always one for diplomacy. However, I had to put up with the other kind of bullying. The exclusion brought on over petty things, being picked last for the football match during PE, and the verbal bullying that makes you feel small and insignificant, when deep down, you know you're better than them.
It was when I was around six I had my first relationship. It amazes me that thinking back I remember her telling me how babies were made and how insignificant that seemed to me at that age. I don't know how I fell into that relationship, but it was a bit of an ego boost. I became popular with a couple of the girls at the time, but obviously at that age, things weren't the same. I started trying too hard to fit in with the boys that I dropped my morals for a little while. In year six I remember I wouldn't let a girl in my class borrow a book to help her with her work, just because the other boys made fun of her. She hadn't done anything wrong, she was in a similar situation to me. It wasn't until I was ill one day soon after that I realised what I was doing. I felt really sick to the stomach for letting my standards drop just to fit in, whilst she was showing concern for her fellow classmate whilst I wasn't feeling too good. I never apologised, but wish I had.
Near the end of year six, my dad got a job in Cardiff and stayed at his grandmothers house whilst are house in Devon was up for sale. I didn't want to go to the highschool everyone else was going to as I was actually scared. I'd heard stories from one of my friend's older brothers as to what happens to the kids who don't quite fit in. He didn't tell me them to scare me, he probably didn't even know I was one of those kids. But I was literally scared. So I convinced my mum to let me move to live with my dad whilst the house was still on the market.
Year seven started and on my first day I felt so happy. I was anxious to start, anxious to learn and make new friends. Gone were the old days and here was a fresh new start. Atleast that was the plan.
It did actually start off well. I was the kid with the funny accent and so everyone wanted to know. But it was only after a few weeks I realised that everyone really knew someone at the school from their primary schools, and I just didn't fit into that mix. I was still being excluded over various things. It took me almost a year to find a proper friend.
Unfortunately, I had to put up with the school idiots and their constant criticisms. They couldn't just let me be, they had to try to prove their manliness to everyone else by showing they're strong. It did make me feel small and weak, however I stuck to my morals and didn't give them the satisfaction of conflict or response.
Eventually I seemed to fit in with a small crowd. Not friends that would help me in times of need, but friends that I could hang around with and not be criticised for every little thing. I did however start becomming really good friends with someone who was as crazy and fun as I am at heart, but he wasn't quiet about it at all.
He was great fun and I made friends with one or two of his friends really well. That's how I met Albino-man, who'm I consider the bestest friend a guy could ever hope to have. We had a laugh together in our own little fantasy world and things seemed to be looking up.
Then his sister came to high school. That, in itself, is no bad thing, and I place no blame on her whatsoever. I, being the nice guy I am, decided not to exclude her from what I'd consider my list of friends. She was a year 7 I was a year 10. No kind of relationship other than friendship ever happened and we had a great laugh. However, some of the guys I considered friends started poking fun at the fact I was hanging around with a year 7 girl. They were trying to make fun of me because of my lack of girlfriends and what seemed to them to be an attempt with a younger girl. I eventually lost contact with them after I finished my AS-levels a few years ago. I stayed in contact with around five of my friends and things have seemed to be easier than when in school. I wouldn't say better though.
My first job was working for Marks & Spencers. I quite enjoyed it there for the most part. I started working in the summer holidays just before the AS year. Then when I was back in school, I worked 2 evenings and a saturday a week. I mainly worked on menswear, but occasionally had to work on the other departments, including ladieswear, the cafe, homewear, childrenswear and even lingerie. About two months after I started there, a new girl started. She was beautiful! If anyone asked me for an example of the perfect girl, I would have told them her. I seemed to adopt the duty of helping her fit in at work. Gave her tips when she was struggling, advised her to listen out for a ringing phone indicating a supervisor was about. And very soon we hit it off as good friends! I, deep down, wanted more than than and I'm sure if someone watched they would have noticed that. However, she had a boyfriend and so I knew we couldn't have been any more than just friends. We still got on really well, had lots of chats and to be quite honest, she made me so excited to get to work. However, I had to leave work to concentrate on my school work, and never really saw her again, except for the odd few seconds when I cut through the shop to get to the shopping arcade.
My next job was in Game. Probably the best job I ever did have. I worked in the industry which I loved, and got to chat to likeminded people. Though I was often asked questions by a member of staff there that made me feel rather uncomfortable. They were about relationships. With the exception of a childhood love, if that's what you can call it, I'd never even had a girlfriend. I felt ashamed for it, as if I had done something wrong, but in reality, it was just a case of never finding someone with similar interests or that I just got on with well enough. In the end I left there to work for GameStation - the second worst mistake I've ever made regarding jobs.
Gamestation was like working in a slave labour camp. No professionalism, just "Do this, that and the other" and when the tills didn't cash up at the end of the day, due to the manager making a cockup, we'd all have to wait until he'd counted and recounted whilst he swore and cursed in great rage as if he'd done no wrong. The truth is, he was an ass. He had major stress issues and shouldn't have been allowed to work in a place where children were allowed in. One day he was doing delivery and something was missing. A large hole in the ceiling was enough for the whole store to hear him shout f*** at the top of his voice. I had never encountered such unprofessionalism in my life, and, because I seemed to be the one everyone else in the store came to for advice on how to deal with various situations he had caused, he plotted with the regional manager to get rid of me. I'm glad he did, as I moved on to a part time job in an office which was brilliant fun!
Working every day 5pm until 10pm. That was great. I turned up, did my job, left. Thankfully there were loads of people I just seemed to get along fine with. We had the odd mess about, and spent too much time gambling on the fruit machine (I almost always went with a profit) but I enjoyed the job so much!
One night, not long after my 18th birthday if I remember correctly, I went out with some of the guys. They wanted to see me drunk and I just went along with it. I had more cider, vodka and various alcopops than I could count, and really enjoyed the night. Half of it I don't actually recall except for still being able to direct one of the guys, who was on cola due to him driving, to where I lived without problem. It was probably one of the best nights I'd had ever, and the sad thing is, all that happened was I drank loads of drink.
My contract at that job was only temporary, so I sought more employment near the end of the contract. I ended up working back at Game during the week and for a finance company during weekends. I had to work with a stupid girl from the welsh valleys who couldn't even understand that 1 comes before 2 and that filing is something so basic that she should've been able to do it since atleast the stard of high school. She was only employed because her aunt worked for the HR department.
In Game I had gained extra duties since my previous employment with them. I enjoyed every minute of work and the interaction with customers and I had a laugh with the staff there too. Some days I took on deputy manager duties and others I advised the regional manager on how the store should look. I was a key part of the team that brought in profits, and from what I've heard, since I left, the store has gone downhill so much.
I left to take up full time employment for the finance company. That was the worst mistake. I was constantly told my work wasn't good enough, that I was making mistakes. However, I was doing exactly the same as when I worked there part time for 6 months and there wasn't a single problem with my work during that time. After three months of the full time probationary period, I was given my notice. I asked to see the mistakes I had allegedly been making, however I was told there wasn't time to show me them. I later found out the real reason was the manager just plain didn't like me. He had a reputation for getting rid of some of the best staff they'd ever had just because of his personal feelings towards a member of staff! I was glad to be out of there to be quite honest, things were dull, boring and I felt like I was working with the Flintstones half the time.
So then I worked two jobs part time - Sainsburys and a different Game store. Sainsburys I finished a couple weeks ago and Game I finish tomorrow to work full time for another office company. Hopefully things'll start looking up and I wont be faced with incompetant managers to get in the way of work.
So thats kinda my life in general - missing out a whole load of stuff, but I could go on for much longer if I wanted to, if I went into more detail about each and every thing that's made me feel up and down on an emotional rollercoaster that is my life.
At present I feel rather low if I think about how s****y things seem. I haven't had a proper girlfriend, not even kissed a girl, whereas I read how some guys here claim they've lost their virginity in their early teens. I wasn't even considering such thing then. But now I feel like I've missed out on so many experiences, and that they're going to get in the way of relationships should they develop.
I've been told by one girl I'm great friends with that I'm a great guy and should never change, but I keep thinking, if I'm such a great guy, how come things never go right for me? I put it down to the fact that no one likes the nice guy. It does make me feel rather depressed but I keep my mind active so I don't act upon it in any way. My dad doesn't help with the way he always tries to score points against me over stupid things, and the fact that I'm still a little naive about things that 19 year olds in general are normally experts at. If I had the chance to start over with the mind I have now, experiencing each and every even again, I would and I would change the way I turned out. One thing I wouldn't change, though, is my friendship with Albino-man - he's probably the best thing that's happened to me, someone I can relate to and someone I have such a laugh with. He means more to me than he can possibly imagine and I wish I had more friends like him.
So, that's my typing done. You've probably fallen asleep now or are about to reply with something so insensitive in attempt to get great pleasure out of the thought of making things worse. But as I already explained, this is the theraputic part. The typing. If I didn't post this message at all, I'd still feel better about myself. So, draw whatever conclusions you like as I'm done typing. If you read this, wow. You've got more time on your hands than I have at present! Cheers for reading though.
Ever since I can remember, I've been the social outcast. Not because of anything I do or don't do. But because I'm generally shy and keep to myself. Or atleast that is the reason now.
When I was in primary school, I used to live in a small devon villiage, so there were only just over 100 of us in the school at the time anyway. At the start, I was just a kid myself, didn't have a care in the world, was naive as to what goes on in life and thought that the Gulf War was funny because they mis-spelled 'golf'. I used to like it that way. I had already built a friendship with two boys my age and only had a problem with the older kids. Thinking back, it's probably those 'older kids' who started it off into one uncontrollable downhill roll to the situation I'm in now.
I was never physically bullied. I had the sense to avoid fights, and physical challenges never appealed to me anyway. I was always one for diplomacy. However, I had to put up with the other kind of bullying. The exclusion brought on over petty things, being picked last for the football match during PE, and the verbal bullying that makes you feel small and insignificant, when deep down, you know you're better than them.
It was when I was around six I had my first relationship. It amazes me that thinking back I remember her telling me how babies were made and how insignificant that seemed to me at that age. I don't know how I fell into that relationship, but it was a bit of an ego boost. I became popular with a couple of the girls at the time, but obviously at that age, things weren't the same. I started trying too hard to fit in with the boys that I dropped my morals for a little while. In year six I remember I wouldn't let a girl in my class borrow a book to help her with her work, just because the other boys made fun of her. She hadn't done anything wrong, she was in a similar situation to me. It wasn't until I was ill one day soon after that I realised what I was doing. I felt really sick to the stomach for letting my standards drop just to fit in, whilst she was showing concern for her fellow classmate whilst I wasn't feeling too good. I never apologised, but wish I had.
Near the end of year six, my dad got a job in Cardiff and stayed at his grandmothers house whilst are house in Devon was up for sale. I didn't want to go to the highschool everyone else was going to as I was actually scared. I'd heard stories from one of my friend's older brothers as to what happens to the kids who don't quite fit in. He didn't tell me them to scare me, he probably didn't even know I was one of those kids. But I was literally scared. So I convinced my mum to let me move to live with my dad whilst the house was still on the market.
Year seven started and on my first day I felt so happy. I was anxious to start, anxious to learn and make new friends. Gone were the old days and here was a fresh new start. Atleast that was the plan.
It did actually start off well. I was the kid with the funny accent and so everyone wanted to know. But it was only after a few weeks I realised that everyone really knew someone at the school from their primary schools, and I just didn't fit into that mix. I was still being excluded over various things. It took me almost a year to find a proper friend.
Unfortunately, I had to put up with the school idiots and their constant criticisms. They couldn't just let me be, they had to try to prove their manliness to everyone else by showing they're strong. It did make me feel small and weak, however I stuck to my morals and didn't give them the satisfaction of conflict or response.
Eventually I seemed to fit in with a small crowd. Not friends that would help me in times of need, but friends that I could hang around with and not be criticised for every little thing. I did however start becomming really good friends with someone who was as crazy and fun as I am at heart, but he wasn't quiet about it at all.
He was great fun and I made friends with one or two of his friends really well. That's how I met Albino-man, who'm I consider the bestest friend a guy could ever hope to have. We had a laugh together in our own little fantasy world and things seemed to be looking up.
Then his sister came to high school. That, in itself, is no bad thing, and I place no blame on her whatsoever. I, being the nice guy I am, decided not to exclude her from what I'd consider my list of friends. She was a year 7 I was a year 10. No kind of relationship other than friendship ever happened and we had a great laugh. However, some of the guys I considered friends started poking fun at the fact I was hanging around with a year 7 girl. They were trying to make fun of me because of my lack of girlfriends and what seemed to them to be an attempt with a younger girl. I eventually lost contact with them after I finished my AS-levels a few years ago. I stayed in contact with around five of my friends and things have seemed to be easier than when in school. I wouldn't say better though.
My first job was working for Marks & Spencers. I quite enjoyed it there for the most part. I started working in the summer holidays just before the AS year. Then when I was back in school, I worked 2 evenings and a saturday a week. I mainly worked on menswear, but occasionally had to work on the other departments, including ladieswear, the cafe, homewear, childrenswear and even lingerie. About two months after I started there, a new girl started. She was beautiful! If anyone asked me for an example of the perfect girl, I would have told them her. I seemed to adopt the duty of helping her fit in at work. Gave her tips when she was struggling, advised her to listen out for a ringing phone indicating a supervisor was about. And very soon we hit it off as good friends! I, deep down, wanted more than than and I'm sure if someone watched they would have noticed that. However, she had a boyfriend and so I knew we couldn't have been any more than just friends. We still got on really well, had lots of chats and to be quite honest, she made me so excited to get to work. However, I had to leave work to concentrate on my school work, and never really saw her again, except for the odd few seconds when I cut through the shop to get to the shopping arcade.
My next job was in Game. Probably the best job I ever did have. I worked in the industry which I loved, and got to chat to likeminded people. Though I was often asked questions by a member of staff there that made me feel rather uncomfortable. They were about relationships. With the exception of a childhood love, if that's what you can call it, I'd never even had a girlfriend. I felt ashamed for it, as if I had done something wrong, but in reality, it was just a case of never finding someone with similar interests or that I just got on with well enough. In the end I left there to work for GameStation - the second worst mistake I've ever made regarding jobs.
Gamestation was like working in a slave labour camp. No professionalism, just "Do this, that and the other" and when the tills didn't cash up at the end of the day, due to the manager making a cockup, we'd all have to wait until he'd counted and recounted whilst he swore and cursed in great rage as if he'd done no wrong. The truth is, he was an ass. He had major stress issues and shouldn't have been allowed to work in a place where children were allowed in. One day he was doing delivery and something was missing. A large hole in the ceiling was enough for the whole store to hear him shout f*** at the top of his voice. I had never encountered such unprofessionalism in my life, and, because I seemed to be the one everyone else in the store came to for advice on how to deal with various situations he had caused, he plotted with the regional manager to get rid of me. I'm glad he did, as I moved on to a part time job in an office which was brilliant fun!
Working every day 5pm until 10pm. That was great. I turned up, did my job, left. Thankfully there were loads of people I just seemed to get along fine with. We had the odd mess about, and spent too much time gambling on the fruit machine (I almost always went with a profit) but I enjoyed the job so much!
One night, not long after my 18th birthday if I remember correctly, I went out with some of the guys. They wanted to see me drunk and I just went along with it. I had more cider, vodka and various alcopops than I could count, and really enjoyed the night. Half of it I don't actually recall except for still being able to direct one of the guys, who was on cola due to him driving, to where I lived without problem. It was probably one of the best nights I'd had ever, and the sad thing is, all that happened was I drank loads of drink.
My contract at that job was only temporary, so I sought more employment near the end of the contract. I ended up working back at Game during the week and for a finance company during weekends. I had to work with a stupid girl from the welsh valleys who couldn't even understand that 1 comes before 2 and that filing is something so basic that she should've been able to do it since atleast the stard of high school. She was only employed because her aunt worked for the HR department.
In Game I had gained extra duties since my previous employment with them. I enjoyed every minute of work and the interaction with customers and I had a laugh with the staff there too. Some days I took on deputy manager duties and others I advised the regional manager on how the store should look. I was a key part of the team that brought in profits, and from what I've heard, since I left, the store has gone downhill so much.
I left to take up full time employment for the finance company. That was the worst mistake. I was constantly told my work wasn't good enough, that I was making mistakes. However, I was doing exactly the same as when I worked there part time for 6 months and there wasn't a single problem with my work during that time. After three months of the full time probationary period, I was given my notice. I asked to see the mistakes I had allegedly been making, however I was told there wasn't time to show me them. I later found out the real reason was the manager just plain didn't like me. He had a reputation for getting rid of some of the best staff they'd ever had just because of his personal feelings towards a member of staff! I was glad to be out of there to be quite honest, things were dull, boring and I felt like I was working with the Flintstones half the time.
So then I worked two jobs part time - Sainsburys and a different Game store. Sainsburys I finished a couple weeks ago and Game I finish tomorrow to work full time for another office company. Hopefully things'll start looking up and I wont be faced with incompetant managers to get in the way of work.
So thats kinda my life in general - missing out a whole load of stuff, but I could go on for much longer if I wanted to, if I went into more detail about each and every thing that's made me feel up and down on an emotional rollercoaster that is my life.
At present I feel rather low if I think about how s****y things seem. I haven't had a proper girlfriend, not even kissed a girl, whereas I read how some guys here claim they've lost their virginity in their early teens. I wasn't even considering such thing then. But now I feel like I've missed out on so many experiences, and that they're going to get in the way of relationships should they develop.
I've been told by one girl I'm great friends with that I'm a great guy and should never change, but I keep thinking, if I'm such a great guy, how come things never go right for me? I put it down to the fact that no one likes the nice guy. It does make me feel rather depressed but I keep my mind active so I don't act upon it in any way. My dad doesn't help with the way he always tries to score points against me over stupid things, and the fact that I'm still a little naive about things that 19 year olds in general are normally experts at. If I had the chance to start over with the mind I have now, experiencing each and every even again, I would and I would change the way I turned out. One thing I wouldn't change, though, is my friendship with Albino-man - he's probably the best thing that's happened to me, someone I can relate to and someone I have such a laugh with. He means more to me than he can possibly imagine and I wish I had more friends like him.
So, that's my typing done. You've probably fallen asleep now or are about to reply with something so insensitive in attempt to get great pleasure out of the thought of making things worse. But as I already explained, this is the theraputic part. The typing. If I didn't post this message at all, I'd still feel better about myself. So, draw whatever conclusions you like as I'm done typing. If you read this, wow. You've got more time on your hands than I have at present! Cheers for reading though.
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I think it's potassium, yup. I only seem to remember the cool ones.
Science could be so much fun.
Science could be so much fun.
My friend also nicked a lump of Sodium I think. Or Potassium, one of the ones that went BANG in water.
It was great.
It was great.
Me too, we made cigarettes, was cool
I used to steal it from Chemistry and set them on fire.
Reading about it, there seem to be cases where it appears from time to time, generally triggered by substances inhaled or a lack of substance in food. Apparently it could be linked to a lack of magnesium in the diet, which is interesting. Magnesium is one of these uber-things that doctors encourage all the time, reduces chance of heart disease, helps give you energy, etc.
I'm no expert but to me it sounds completely different. As far as I'm aware, nystagmas is constant. It is for Albino-man anyway.
Albino-Man wrote:
> I have albinism, and also have nystagmus (which is a constant
> involuntary rapid movement of the eyes, for those who don't know);
> neither of these physical traits are a result of my own actions and
> neither of them can be cured.
I think have a friend from Hong Kong with that. He's a really nice person and is really popular. He often sort of goes cross-eyed and quickly blinks several times every few seconds. I've never really said anything to him about him, because I've only known him for 3 years compared to other people who know him for more like 9 years.
> I have albinism, and also have nystagmus (which is a constant
> involuntary rapid movement of the eyes, for those who don't know);
> neither of these physical traits are a result of my own actions and
> neither of them can be cured.
I think have a friend from Hong Kong with that. He's a really nice person and is really popular. He often sort of goes cross-eyed and quickly blinks several times every few seconds. I've never really said anything to him about him, because I've only known him for 3 years compared to other people who know him for more like 9 years.
I understand what Edgys saying, I read this thread a few days back and cannot remember much about it.
You can have someone who can suddenly F*** up your life without them knowing, this does not make it your fault that your life is sh!te. Unfortunately people can ruin your life, and you can let them do that - or you can do nothing. Edgy seems to be doing stuff to help this, Edgy has also seemed to come to an understanding at his own level which has let him open up and tell people about his life (Something which i cant do).
Sure Edgy has a few problems, he seems to be sorting them out.
Good for him.
^ Sorry it wasnt helpful, but for a while i have thought i should add some of my opinion.
Thanks,
James
You can have someone who can suddenly F*** up your life without them knowing, this does not make it your fault that your life is sh!te. Unfortunately people can ruin your life, and you can let them do that - or you can do nothing. Edgy seems to be doing stuff to help this, Edgy has also seemed to come to an understanding at his own level which has let him open up and tell people about his life (Something which i cant do).
Sure Edgy has a few problems, he seems to be sorting them out.
Good for him.
^ Sorry it wasnt helpful, but for a while i have thought i should add some of my opinion.
Thanks,
James
SHEEPY wrote:
> Look what I went and started. I was just being more blunt than
> everyone else because when I feel as you do just now I need somebody
> to kick me up the backside and appreciate what I do actually have.
You did manage to refreshingly slam this thread back down to earth.
> Look what I went and started. I was just being more blunt than
> everyone else because when I feel as you do just now I need somebody
> to kick me up the backside and appreciate what I do actually have.
You did manage to refreshingly slam this thread back down to earth.
Look what I went and started. I was just being more blunt than everyone else because when I feel as you do just now I need somebody to kick me up the backside and appreciate what I do actually have.
I'm not a complete outcast and over the years I've either had to deal with being lonely or go out of my way to get friends etc. What I mean is sitting at your computer sulking over your life is not going to bring you the things you want.
Anyway, this all too angsty for this time of the day.
I'm not a complete outcast and over the years I've either had to deal with being lonely or go out of my way to get friends etc. What I mean is sitting at your computer sulking over your life is not going to bring you the things you want.
Anyway, this all too angsty for this time of the day.
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