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"Jokes"

An escaped prisoner breaks into a house and finds a couple naked in bed. He ties up the man then moves over to the woman and kisses her neck before visiting the bathroom. Her husband says: "This guy might be really dangerous, it's obvious from the way he kissed your neck that he wants to have sex with you. I advise you should do as he says and be strong, and just remember that I love you." His wife replied: "Actually, he wasn't kissing me, he whispered that he was gay and asked if there was any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, and I love you too."


Anyone here knows any great jokes?

> > On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the
field
> > with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and
> > give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty
> > years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live
for
> > sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."
> >
> > And God agreed.
> >
> > On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the
door
> > of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give
> > you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be
> > barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."
> >
> > So God agreed (sigh).
> >
> > On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do
> > monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
> > The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't
> > think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
> >
> > And God agreed again.
> >
> > On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have
sex,
> > enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
> > Man said, "What? Only twenty years! No way, man. Tell you what, I'll
take
> my
> > twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back
and
> > the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
> >
> > "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
> >
> > So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex,
> > enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to
> > support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
> > entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the
> > front porch and bark at everyone.
> >
> > Life has now been explained.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Ok, there's 3 jokes there, sorry for the spammage.

A Duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any Bread?

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king
bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f**king bread,
ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you
irritating bast**d of a f**king bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

lol, those 2 jokes got my word count up *hail the copy and paste!*

>EURO ENGLISH
>
>The European Commission has just announced an
>agreement whereby English will be the official
>language of the European Union rather than German,
>which was the other possibility. As part of the
>negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
>English spelling had some room for improvement and has
>accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become
>known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will
>replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil
>servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped
>in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and
>keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be
>growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
>troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will
>make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd
>year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
>expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
>changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the
>removal of double letters which have always ben a
>deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that
>the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is
>disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl
>wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
>"z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary
>"o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after
>ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
>Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil
>find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united
>urop vil finali kum tru. If zis mad you smil, pleas
>pas on to oza pepl. Zen ve vil rul ze vorld!!!

> Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs
> the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic
>
> site is ten miles away so, it takes them ten days to get there. When they
> get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.
> "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"
> "I didn't bring it" says Roy
> "I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried,
> He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
> Naturally Andy didn't bring it.
> So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and
> Andy
> beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the
>
> sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise
> lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
>
> So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still
> isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.
> Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
> Finally
> they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just
> as
> they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts,
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
>
> "I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT F'ING GOING!"

Good one...but bad one...if you know what I mean...:)

Q. Why did the Scientist install a knocker on his door?

A. He wanted to win the No-bell prize

"*shock* no replies"


thats probably due to the fact that this site is mainly inhabited by lazy members of the educational system, who are unlikely to be up at such hours. The remainder are probably in the work force and as a result are unlikely to be able to post to early in the morning.

the condom joke was good as was the wheelchair one. thought the first one was pretty rubbish