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I am identified largely by illness these days. It feels as if it has become my life, I exist day to day fending it off, but all the while it's in the back of my mind that one day I will succumb to it, and what is my life will end my life. I don't feel like myself anymore, I barely recognise the person looking back at me in the mirror. I once had boundless energy, spent my days working hard in school, spent my evenings and weekends running up and down the playing fields and pushing myself to swim a faster length. I can't swim anymore. My ears can't handle a few drops of water in them. I haven't got the energy to train or play a match anymore either, at least not naturally.
I have yet to manage a full week of college. I want to sit in a classroom once again soaking up what is being said and committing it to memory like I used to. The illness robbed me of my strongest study aid in more ways than one, I now neither hear the lecture nor remember sometimes that I was even there. I want to hear all the sounds I once never paid attention to, but missed once they were gone for good. I want to break out of the world I am becoming trapped in, I feel I don't belong there. But it is my inevitable, my past, my present and my future.
I have yet to manage a full week of college. I want to sit in a classroom once again soaking up what is being said and committing it to memory like I used to. The illness robbed me of my strongest study aid in more ways than one, I now neither hear the lecture nor remember sometimes that I was even there. I want to hear all the sounds I once never paid attention to, but missed once they were gone for good. I want to break out of the world I am becoming trapped in, I feel I don't belong there. But it is my inevitable, my past, my present and my future.
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I know how you feel, Lind, albeit for different reasons.
As I get older and muscular dystrophy slowly takes away the things I once took for granted, I too am looking into an abyss there seems no escape from. Once I could run around a field, kicking a ball with a bunch of mates - not anymore. Once I could walk into the kitchen, make a drink and carry it back to the room I was in - not anymore. Once I could climb out of a chair to offer it to someone so they could sit down - not anymore. How long before I can't dress myself, clean myself or feed myself?
For a few years now I have been aware of the fact that there are very few things that I can do on my own. Sure I can still drive, but I need help getting into the car, I have to be sure my mobile has adequate battery power and I need to arrange for someone to be at the other end of my journey to help me back out of the car. There are aids I can use - hoists, lifts, wheelchairs and the like - but I still can't avoid the fact that I need help all the time.
Some of you may remember a topic I made a couple of months back describing when I fell out of bed and was trapped on the floor for two hours. Very soon after that I had a LifeLine system installed: I wear a 'panic button' on a cord around my neck which I press if I need help - the box on the wall dials a control room who can talk to me and/or phone someone to come and help me. It's great and it gives me a certain amount of peace of mind, but every time I look at the button I think "I've got to wear this for the rest of my life" and it really p***es me off.
Anyway, I'm rambling.
"Who am I?" you ask - you're you. While you've still got your personality and you can live your life as close to normal as possible then no illness has you beat. Sure, it may impede and encroach on every aspect of your daily routine, but as long as you fight it you're still human. I don't mean being stubborn and denying it's existence, but confronting problems and working around them. I understand this can be difficult if you lack a certain amount of support from those around you, but try to make them understand from your point of view - ask them what they'd do in your shoes.
A few times my brother has bluntly told me that if he was in my shoes that there's no way he could handle it and he would kill himself. I have considered it myself, but always realise that I have far too much to live for.
I'm sorry, Lindgren, if I've just waffled on about myself when I wanted to try and write something to cheer you up - I just typed what came into my head. Add me to your MSN list if you want to talk anytime - timothy_griffin at mac dot com
As I get older and muscular dystrophy slowly takes away the things I once took for granted, I too am looking into an abyss there seems no escape from. Once I could run around a field, kicking a ball with a bunch of mates - not anymore. Once I could walk into the kitchen, make a drink and carry it back to the room I was in - not anymore. Once I could climb out of a chair to offer it to someone so they could sit down - not anymore. How long before I can't dress myself, clean myself or feed myself?
For a few years now I have been aware of the fact that there are very few things that I can do on my own. Sure I can still drive, but I need help getting into the car, I have to be sure my mobile has adequate battery power and I need to arrange for someone to be at the other end of my journey to help me back out of the car. There are aids I can use - hoists, lifts, wheelchairs and the like - but I still can't avoid the fact that I need help all the time.
Some of you may remember a topic I made a couple of months back describing when I fell out of bed and was trapped on the floor for two hours. Very soon after that I had a LifeLine system installed: I wear a 'panic button' on a cord around my neck which I press if I need help - the box on the wall dials a control room who can talk to me and/or phone someone to come and help me. It's great and it gives me a certain amount of peace of mind, but every time I look at the button I think "I've got to wear this for the rest of my life" and it really p***es me off.
Anyway, I'm rambling.
"Who am I?" you ask - you're you. While you've still got your personality and you can live your life as close to normal as possible then no illness has you beat. Sure, it may impede and encroach on every aspect of your daily routine, but as long as you fight it you're still human. I don't mean being stubborn and denying it's existence, but confronting problems and working around them. I understand this can be difficult if you lack a certain amount of support from those around you, but try to make them understand from your point of view - ask them what they'd do in your shoes.
A few times my brother has bluntly told me that if he was in my shoes that there's no way he could handle it and he would kill himself. I have considered it myself, but always realise that I have far too much to live for.
I'm sorry, Lindgren, if I've just waffled on about myself when I wanted to try and write something to cheer you up - I just typed what came into my head. Add me to your MSN list if you want to talk anytime - timothy_griffin at mac dot com
Meka Dragon wrote:
> Henry Kelly?
Nope, I don't present Going for Gold, and never have. :p
> Henry Kelly?
Nope, I don't present Going for Gold, and never have. :p
Henry Kelly?
I'm back into work next week, for the first time in months (signed off for an operation).
I've been looking at careers, and it kind of hit me - this is the first time I've not really been working towards anything. I'd always been in education, working towards exams. I had sports which I feutilely worked towards success in. Then after uni I was working towards going to Canada (couldn't happen in the end :^( ), then working toward getting over my operation.
I'm going back to uni for a masters in september, but until then I'm looking for work and a cheap flat to rent. 'The real world' if you will.
So for the first time in my life I don't have anything to work towards. All your life you're working for tomorrow, then here it is. But take away those goals, and it feels like there's nothing left, I'd always identified myself with all those goals. The 'who am I ?' again.
I'd figured out in theory that ultimately this would be all life comes down to, but now that I'm there, it feels very different.
I guess this is it though, you just make what you can of it.
I know I've not had anything like the problems you've faced, but in a small way, on this specific thing, I have an idea of where you are.
I guess you just make what you can of it.
:^)
I've been looking at careers, and it kind of hit me - this is the first time I've not really been working towards anything. I'd always been in education, working towards exams. I had sports which I feutilely worked towards success in. Then after uni I was working towards going to Canada (couldn't happen in the end :^( ), then working toward getting over my operation.
I'm going back to uni for a masters in september, but until then I'm looking for work and a cheap flat to rent. 'The real world' if you will.
So for the first time in my life I don't have anything to work towards. All your life you're working for tomorrow, then here it is. But take away those goals, and it feels like there's nothing left, I'd always identified myself with all those goals. The 'who am I ?' again.
I'd figured out in theory that ultimately this would be all life comes down to, but now that I'm there, it feels very different.
I guess this is it though, you just make what you can of it.
I know I've not had anything like the problems you've faced, but in a small way, on this specific thing, I have an idea of where you are.
I guess you just make what you can of it.
:^)
:(
Ineedsleep wrote:
> Who are you? You’re you. Simple enough words to quote but with such
> complexity behind them.
>
> I’m gathering that a wealth of emotion is behind this post with lots
> which you could say but haven’t.
I'm sure there is plenty more I could have said, I tend to take how I feel and put it on paper, so to speak, in small pieces.
> Who are you? You’re you. Simple enough words to quote but with such
> complexity behind them.
>
> I’m gathering that a wealth of emotion is behind this post with lots
> which you could say but haven’t.
I'm sure there is plenty more I could have said, I tend to take how I feel and put it on paper, so to speak, in small pieces.
Paradox: wrote:
> Life's an intricate tappestry of which I am proud to be a stitch.
. . .
I'm sorry, but I hate when people try and use metaphor's to sound all wise and philisophical. They practically always fail.
> Life's an intricate tappestry of which I am proud to be a stitch.
. . .
I'm sorry, but I hate when people try and use metaphor's to sound all wise and philisophical. They practically always fail.
without, being nosey, whats wrong with you
Who are you? You’re you. Simple enough words to quote but with such complexity behind them.
I’m gathering that a wealth of emotion is behind this post with lots which you could say but haven’t. However the key ‘words’ I picked up on were:
> I don't feel like myself anymore
You are going / have gone through massive changes and need to find some kind of balance in your life. You may think you are no longer who you were but there are still traits within yourself that identify you as the same person you will always be.
Don’t concentrate on wanting things if you can’t have them, they are depressing you. Find new goals to achieve and new interests. Start with small things and build up to grander schemes. You have to learn to like who you have become
..but you already know all that, don’t you.
I’m sorry that you going through such a downer at the moment and hope things brighten up for you.
I’m gathering that a wealth of emotion is behind this post with lots which you could say but haven’t. However the key ‘words’ I picked up on were:
> I don't feel like myself anymore
You are going / have gone through massive changes and need to find some kind of balance in your life. You may think you are no longer who you were but there are still traits within yourself that identify you as the same person you will always be.
Don’t concentrate on wanting things if you can’t have them, they are depressing you. Find new goals to achieve and new interests. Start with small things and build up to grander schemes. You have to learn to like who you have become
..but you already know all that, don’t you.
I’m sorry that you going through such a downer at the moment and hope things brighten up for you.
You're Lindgren, silly!
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