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"I'm empty"

I sat staring into the sun earlier, merely trying to accept myself on a brighter level. My eyes were burning through the pain of no sleep, my body was burning through the pain of living.

I tried to place my hand inside my mind and extract what was hurting, yet I realised moments later you cannot grab or touch something that isn't there. You can't bring out the emptiness, it'll always exist.
The people I love most in the world are mostly false, I hold back the truth that only I know because.. I know.

Yet I bring myself back to where I started over two years ago. The forums which became my dwelling place. I'm older now, I have more scars. In the past twelve months I've endured so much mental pain I could seriously feel my own body wanting to not return from a rare sleep. My case is empty. It shouts at me to stop talking to it. I cannot find a way forward. I cannot forgive her.

Who is she? I don't expect you to know, we broke up in September 2002, and last summer she died infront of me from an overdose. I loved her and this is how I was repaid. I can't forgive because I will never get the answers.

As for the rest of me. it's angry. Angry because I deserve so much more. Surely? Why can't I have it how I want it. I've done my time, I've lived through the ladder. The rungs aren't breaking anymore. My ladder is just burning at the bottom.

I'm too confused to post more. Yet here I am. Back at the start.
You'll all know me oneday.
You'll all know me.

Unless they try and try and try again.

True enough.
So there was no build up, no showing that she was unhappy.

This is the way people commit suicide. That is why attempt suicide is so hard to believe.

Real suicide just leaves disbelief and lots of un-answered questions.

English_Bloke wrote:
> Do you even know why? Or was that one of the questions you wanted to
> ask?

If I knew why. I would understand the world!

Indeed, I was going to say the same thing.

By what I mean like... What 'thing'? I know next to nothing about overdoses, and I'd really like to know.

Do you even know why? Or was that one of the questions you wanted to ask?

Messy wrote:
> This'll sound wierd, so sorry if it seems I'm being like... Heartless
> or cold or something, but what did she overdose on?

Over thirty pills or something, I forget how she said or my mum found missing from our bathroom. Lord knows how many she had had before she arrived at my house.

This'll sound wierd, so sorry if it seems I'm being like... Heartless or cold or something, but what did she overdose on?

Ok, I'm not so good with the words, but, if you want to talk, (non un-understandable way), then talk away.

English_Bloke wrote:
> One question. What do you want?

A freeze breeze to blow against my face and make me shiver a smile.

If anything I would say being young is worse in this case. While age could never prepare you for something like that, being, what, 16? And watching a friend die in front of you, I can’t pretend to know what that would be like.

However, being angry at no one in particular isn’t going to help anything.

I remember when my cousin dies of leukaemia when he was only 13. I blamed the world. I blamed god. I blamed just about anyone I could. Yet he, having been told he was going to die said something that stuck in my mind. He was a devout Christian and said, “it’s ok, I know where I’m going”.

Doesn’t really have anything directly to do with what you went through, because this was something he had no control over and I didn’t watch him pass, although I did watch him dying.

Hmm, I’ve rambled on there and haven’t really gone anywhere towards a point.

One question. What do you want?