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"More comedy Gems for you lot"

From the pages of the new issue of Viz magazine. I spoil you lot :

Letters from Readers
--------------------

"I'm not surprised the British Robot sent to Mars has packed in. Did you see it? It looked rubbish. Next time they should send up a robot that can handle itself, like Sergeant Bash or Sir Killalot." - Rog McDog, Eastrigs

"I was appalled to see Steve Irwin goading a crocodile with his baby son. The child must have been terrified. Any responsible father would have covered the babys face with a cloth before risking its life." - M. Jackson, Neverland Ranch

"It's all well and good banning the use of mobile phones whilst driving, but what about other hand held objects? The other day I was driving the car whilst drinking a cup of coffee. As I went around a sharp bend, I spilt some of the coffee, scalding myself and crashing into 3 parked cars. This time it was only property that was damaged, but next time I could plough into a bus queue. Come on, mister blair. It's time to turn your attention closer to home and outlaw this dangerous practise, before I kill someone." - Darren Hyatt, Weston-Super-Mare

"They say that life begins at 40. What b******s. A mate of mine died in 1983. Last week would have been his 40th birthday, and there's still no sign of him." - Chris Hart, Gotham

"I was shocked to realise I was drinking more alcohol than was recommended in the Department of Health guidelines. I decided I ought to do something about it, so I quickly drew up my own set of guidelines and I am now well within the recommended level of intake." - D. Haslam, E-mail

"The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in the Britain, a third of whom do not even know they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?" - John Campbell, E-mail

"I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say Britains prison population has been ballooning for the past 10 years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens cannot afford." - Mrs Close, Headingley

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Not everyones cup of tea, but they made me laugh .....

Whats the hardest stain to get out of a young boys underwear?
Micahel Jacksons make-up!

Azul wrote:
> Cloak and Dagger wrote:
> You forgot one comedy gem and its my main joke now.
>
> Italians provides friendly food.....
> Germans provides friendly cars......
>
> How can cars be friendly?
> Do you ever see a Volvo coming up to you and saying, "Hello
> chap, shall I hold the door for you?"

not quite, but my old VW van used to have a gaffa-tape smiley face on the front :)

Decoy Octopus wrote:

> A bit off topic but that reminds me of a story about a man who
> allegedly sued the makers of a type of campervan. he was driving
> along and set the cruise control to 70mph and went out the back to
> have a cup of coffee. after he crashed he apparently sued the makers
> because they didnt tell him he still had to steer with cruise control
> on

that's an urban legend, it never happened.

Oh ruin a good joke people!

ßora† SagdiyeV wrote:
> "It's all well and good banning the use of mobile phones whilst
> driving, but what about other hand held objects? The other day I was
> driving the car whilst drinking a cup of coffee. As I went around a
> sharp bend, I spilt some of the coffee, scalding myself and crashing
> into 3 parked cars. This time it was only property that was damaged,
> but next time I could plough into a bus queue. Come on, mister
> blair. It's time to turn your attention closer to home and outlaw
> this dangerous practise, before I kill someone." - Darren Hyatt,
> Weston-Super-Mare

A bit off topic but that reminds me of a story about a man who allegedly sued the makers of a type of campervan. he was driving along and set the cruise control to 70mph and went out the back to have a cup of coffee. after he crashed he apparently sued the makers because they didnt tell him he still had to steer with cruise control on

Cloak and Dagger wrote:
> England provides friendly people....

While the rest of Britain is made up of wild savages who haven't yet realised mud isn't meant for human consumption?

Hmm. Maybe it's the other way around...

Azul wrote:
> Cloak and Dagger wrote:
> You forgot one comedy gem and its my main joke now.
>
> Italians provides friendly food.....
> Germans provides friendly cars......
>
> How can cars be friendly?
> Do you ever see a Volvo coming up to you and saying, "Hello
> chap, shall I hold the door for you?"
>
> Do you ever get spaghetti saying, "I suggest you eat some
> parizan cheese with me, it's most delicious. Here, I'll get the chef
> for you"
>
> Er, no.

Cars can be friendly they can give you a warm feeling when you get in them cars that you get driven in are friendly.

Food is friendly because it tastes nice. (that was my best comeback im sorry so sorry)
*Hides away*

Heh, they're all good :-)

Thanks for breaching copyright.

Cloak and Dagger wrote:
> You forgot one comedy gem and its my main joke now.
>
> Italians provides friendly food.....
> Germans provides friendly cars......

How can cars be friendly?
Do you ever see a Volvo coming up to you and saying, "Hello chap, shall I hold the door for you?"

Do you ever get spaghetti saying, "I suggest you eat some parizan cheese with me, it's most delicious. Here, I'll get the chef for you"

Er, no.

You forgot one comedy gem and its my main joke now.

Italians provides friendly food.....
Germans provides friendly cars......
England provides friendly people....
America provides friendly fire. :@)