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"A Guide To: Women"

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Wed 14/01/04 at 20:37
Regular
"SOUP!"
Posts: 13,017
Women are a strange species, but like all strange things they have their uses. If you master your woman controlling skills they will wash, iron and cook for you, and pleasure you in a way that makes you go “Oooh that’s nice.”

But before you get ahead of yourself, you should take into mind the basics:

1. Women like to be called “Ladies”, not “Biatchez”, “Ho’s” or “Skanks”
2. You shouldn’t tell a woman she looks fat or “Like a man”, even if she really really does.
3. Never quote Avid Merrion to a woman and tell her she makes you “sex wee in your pants”


Right, now lets tackle the simple exercise of speaking to a woman.

When approaching a woman in a bar, club or dole line – you should start with a police gesture, such as “May I buy you a drink?” or “Can I cut in here?”, this will show her you’re a gentleman and she will almost certainly want to have your babies.

Once you get a conversation (This involves asking each other questions and answering them without violence or shouting) you should do a number of things to show the woman you’re interested in her. Start by telling her how many women you have slept with, and include some famous women in there too. This will get her foaming at the lips (both kinds) with excitement. When talking to her, you shouldn’t look at her face but her breasts. This show you’re a man of class and this should throw her into a wild and lustful passion, which may or may not result in heavy petting (Not the kind you do with your pet dog unless you’re really twisted.)

Once you’ve ogled and gawked long enough you should use the line that makes any woman weak at the knees. “Get your coat love, you’ve pulled” – after this she will agree to take you back to her flat and make love to you all night, and let you film it and show you mates, and let her sexy flatmate join in, and make you full English breakfast in the morning. However this changes everything and this poor deluded woman will think you “love” her – so you have to start a thing called “dating”.

This is where it may get tricky. Dating is a complex process that should be treated with tact and most of all, class. There are just two types of dates, ones where you go and watch something (Cinema, theatre, live thrash metal band) or when you consume something (Meal, drinks). If you embark of the first kind of date then you should provide the woman suitable bus fare with which to get to the location or venue. Take for example a cinema date, the woman should be expected to pay herself into the cinema, they did campaign for women’s rights you see. If she hasn’t got sufficient fund then lend her the money on a 14% interest rate, show her who’s the daddy. In the film it may be polite to put your arm around her until blood stops flowing into your hand – she’ll appreciate this in the way Amazonian women appreciated human sacrifices. When the date is over you should give her enough money to get home and wish her a pleasant evening. Don’t call her; she’ll call you.

Often for a second date you will have a meal, this is a challenging endeavour for a man – but it may be worth it. You must sit in a dimly lit restaurant with poncy Italian music in the background and make small talk, whilst she decides if you’re going to have sex again tonight. When the bill comes, if you want to make lurve to this woman then pay it, if you’ve changed your mind then tell her you lost your wallet, jump in a taxi and change your phone number – you’ll never see her again and you just bagged a free meal. If you do pay for the meal then this is a big step and she’s probably “the one”.

When you find a woman who is “the one” (Usually takes 3 to 4 weeks) you will go on more of these dates, but follow these guidelines and all will be well. When you’re sure this woman is “the one” then you should take her to a romantic (and by romantic I mean Italian) restaurant (Pizza hut will do), then after the meal you should follow this script:

“You know [insert name], we’ve been seeing each other quite a while and it’s been a lot of fun, but I think it’s time we moved our relationship to the next level.”

At this point you should get down on one knee

“[insert name], will you do my ironing?”

All women will be besotted by this romantic gesture and you’ll never have to do you own housework again, you’ll have sex on tap 24 hours a day, and you’ll get meals that you don’t have to peel from the back of a cushion on your sofa.

------------------- ------------------- ------------------- ------------------- ------------------- -------------------
So there you have it, a comprehensive guide to the species we call women. How to please them; make them do rude things to you, and how to lure them into doing your housework. Follow his and I predict nothing but success… and your fair share of slaps and drinks thrown over you.

Thanks for reading
Fri 16/01/04 at 15:34
Regular
"SOUP!"
Posts: 13,017
Solskjær wrote:
> But, what about all the women you DON'T meet in clubs...?

Then you refer to my "guide to hookers" :-D
Fri 16/01/04 at 13:37
"Mimmargh!"
Posts: 2,929
This guide=my problems solved.

Huzza!
Fri 16/01/04 at 11:02
Regular
"Long time no see!"
Posts: 8,351
Heh. "You know so-much!" ;D

Tell me... Did you learn this all from experience, or what? ;D



But, what about all the women you DON'T meet in clubs...?
Fri 16/01/04 at 00:07
"Dogs rule,Cats drul"
Posts: 1,250
Cool read
Fri 16/01/04 at 00:05
Regular
"cachoo"
Posts: 7,037
Hehehe, that cheered me up! Nice read ;)
Thu 15/01/04 at 20:07
Regular
"SOUP!"
Posts: 13,017
Yeah dude its a tried and tested method*




*method may not actually be tried or tested.
Thu 15/01/04 at 19:31
"Metal Head"
Posts: 1,010
Paradox: wrote:
> When approaching a woman in a bar, club or dole line – you should
> start with a police gesture, such as “May I buy you a drink?” or “Can
> I cut in here?”, this will show her you’re a gentleman and she will
> almost certainly want to have your babies.

*takes notes* are you sure about this
Thu 15/01/04 at 16:33
Regular
"SOUP!"
Posts: 13,017
Glad my hard-drive isnt from SR.


Oh wait... It is :-|
Thu 15/01/04 at 16:27
Regular
"Ghetto Fabulous"
Posts: 830
«-Shrubber«- wrote:
> I worked how to use ebay

Plus my harddrive crashed and SR took five weeks to replace it
Thu 15/01/04 at 16:26
Regular
"Ghetto Fabulous"
Posts: 830
I worked how to use ebay

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