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"GAD Club."

It's funny what goes through your head when you have a gun in your mouth. What's for tea tonight, what's gonna happen on Eastenders, where I left my car keys. All that stuff flashes into your head. I saw my entire life go by in a microsecond. It consisted of making art work nobody used. This angered me, as you can imagine. In fact, that memory was what started the whole thing, and had caused me to think of it right now. It's like a big circle.

I'm Darkus, I work for SR. Right now, someone is holding a gun in my mouth. I can taste the rust. Yummy. It wasn't always like this, obviously, as I'd look a bit stupid with a gun in my mouth 24/7. There was a time when I was an average, mild mannered person, content with playing games and drawing bats and pumpkins for a living. Working for SR was great, but it was where I met him - Mr Snuggly.

Let me tell you a little something about Mr Snuggly. When people all around you are losing it, he's totally calm. I never could figure out how he did it. We’re late for a deadline, everyone’s running around in circles like headless chickens, and he’s sat there, playing Turok Evolution on the Game Boy Advance. Someone sets fire to his trousers, everyone’s trying to roll him on the floor to put it out, he’s just sat there, calmly flicking through a copy of Razzle.

We worked well together. He could distract people long enough so I could convince them they needed another Playstation 2. Even elderly people who didn't even know what an X-Box was, now own several because of us. Tony was pleased. But it wasn't enough for us. We grew weary of the Game A Day competition. Made up cheats, stolen reviews, bad grammar and spelling, terribly unfunny spoofs (especially from that MoJoJoJo kid) all of it made us sick to our stomachs. Behind Tony's back, we decided to run our OWN Game A Day competition. Entrants wouldn't post reviews or cheats, they would beat the holy heck out of each other for our amusement. Sometimes we'd even get in the makeshift ring ourselves, and beat seven kinds of poop out of the annoying newbies. They were all up for it. The prospect of winning free games far outweighed the moral issues involved in beating up your fellow man.

They would come from far and away. We had English, Scottish and Welsh competitors. We'd often pit the Welsh and Scottish against each other, in a fight to see which country is best after England. It was all great fun.

Snuggly would address the troops every night.

"The first rule of GAD club is - you do not ask if you've won GAD. The second rule of GAD club is... you do NOT go to the toilet without washing your hands. Third rule, no swearing, cursing or sexist comments. Anyone other than Mystique caught swearing will be banned, and a bucket of grey paint thrown over them. Fourth rule, if you are still alive after winning your fight, you have five minutes to get your senses back and claim your prize. After five minutes, the prize will be burnt. Or, more likely, we’ll take it ourselves. Fifth rule, no-one is allowed to beat the notables. I'll run in with a steel chair and take you down myself if you even consider beating a notable. In the event of two notables fighting against each other, chances are I'll run in with a steel chair anyway. Any questions?"

There was always someone with a question. This particular someone was called Ant.

"Yeah, um... according to the bible, violence is wrong and-"

"Do you want GAD prizes?"

"Yes."

"Well then forget the bible - I am your god now. Your god demands grapes and pure girls."

"Yes, sir!"

So off he went to get some fruit and the nuns from the local church. Snuggly had a knack for convincing people to do what he said. Arguing with him was pointless. Just watching him order a pizza was amazing, he'd convince the delivery boy that he owed HIM money.
Snuggly addressed the crowd once more.

"OK, first fight. Grix, you're up against Stryke. Time to settle the argument about whether or not Wales can produce hard people"

Snuggly loved creating the fights. He loved pitting huge guys against tiny little newbies. He loved beating the snot out of the grammatically confused JATs. He loved it all. We started it together, but I was more than happy to sit back and let him run the show. He was good at it.

Nobody outside of GAD club knew it existed. Tony thought we were off selling PS2s to the elderly. Little did he know we were using SR tower's basement to stage our little get togethers. Twice a week, Monday and Friday. Those were our days. The days we threw humanity into the blender and broke out the baseball bats.

But that's where it started to go wrong. People were breaking the first two rules of GAD club. More and more people were signing up with SR and joining us, and more and more people were contaminating the bag of peanuts after using the bog. Snuggly wasn't happy. But he had an army. Notables, regulars, newbies - of all shapes and sizes. All so desperate for free games that they'd perform root canal surgery on themselves with an aspirin and a Black and Decker drill. He began setting them tasks. Don't do your homework. Smash a garden gnome. Steal your neighbour's paper. Petty crimes by themselves, but all together, the city was slowly being destroyed. The tasks grew bolder and more violent, but the army of GAD club grew more and more dependant on Snuggly and the prizes. We had members using their own mothers to help them win prizes. It's amazing how good a human shield an old lady will make.

Snuggly had his army. He was ready to take over SR towers, to throw Tony back to the streets from whence he came, to take command, to rule the staff, to expand GAD club. I heard of GAD clubs popping up everywhere - London, Manchester, Newcastle, Liverpool, Birmingham. And Lobley Hill.

GAD club was big business. Snuggly had an endless supply of prizes from the legitimist business front that was Special Reserve, which meant he could have as many fights as he wanted. Nobody noticed black eyes and missing teeth on almost every teenager in the country.

But Snuggly's tasks grew darker and darker. Let somebody's tyres down, head butt a priest, steal Goatboy's tabs. I had to speak to him, to find out what his motives were. We'd drifted apart, become distant. GAD club was founded by the two of us one slow, rainy day, but now it was all his. The fighters looked to him for leadership. They looked to me to make the teas.

"Snuggly, we have to talk."

"Can't it wait? I've got Page 3 girls feeding me grapes."

"It's important."

"Oh, go on then."

The girls stopped oiling Snuggly's naked body and left the room. The room had once been Tony's car storage facility, now it housed every game Snuggly had for prizes, with room left over for a small zoo and amusement park. Tony had had a lot of cars.

"So what is it?"

"It's about GAD club. At first, it was to satisfy our male desires to kill and maim, to hurt people smaller than us, to make people cry and tap out, to beg for their mummys. Now you're running your own private army. What's going on?"

Snuggly pondered for a moment, choosing his words perhaps, or working something out in his head. He put the crossword puzzle down.

"Well, it's funny you should mention it. GAD club is about more than just fighting now. I have an army. And not just a monkey one, this one actually does what I say instead of checking each other for fleas. They worship me. They'd follow me off a cliff, out of a plane, into a Darkness concert! Now THAT'S loyalty!"

"But what's it for? What are you planning?"

"World domination, of course. What else?"

I was stunned. I knew Snuggly was power hungry, he always got first pick of the pieces when we played Monopoly, but this was insane.

"World domination?"

"Think about it. These people are so desperate for free games, to save themselves the hassle of scrounging from their families or, by God, actually WORKING, that they will do anything. The fighting is just to toughen them up, train them, prepare them for the coming battle."

"This is madness!"

"Madness were a gimmick band around a decade ago. This is deadly serious."

"I can't let you do this, Snuggly. When it was just beating up helpless 12 year olds it was fine, but taking on the world? What if you fail? Prison? They'll lock me up with you!"

"Not really. You see... I'm you."

"Excuse me?"

"I am just a figment of your imagination. You're not Darkus, you're Mr Snuggly."

"But... that's not possible!"

"Yeah it is, you went gaga and now you see things. I'm actually based on that guy from that film. You know the one I mean. The film with that guy. But I act the way YOU want to act. I'm you."

"This actually explains quite a lot. Like why everyone keeps calling me Mr Snuggly."

"Well, now you know, I can't let you stop my plans."

Snuggly pulled a lightgun. Only it was missing the wire. And it was made of metal, not plastic. And it looked like a real gun. In fact, I'm pretty sure it wasn't a lightgun at all. It may have been an actual gun. Either way, it was aimed right at my head. I was either going to be hit by an infra red beam, or hot, searing lead. Either way couldn't be good.

So here I am, the gun in my mouth, Snuggly smiling down at me. I had to do something. Imagine the embarrassment of being killed by a figment of your imagination. I'd never live it down.

I lunged at Snuggly, knocking the gun to the ground. We wrestled around on the floor, and I realised we'd never actually fought each other before. Quite obvious, when you think about it. Bit hard to fight yourself. Snuggly spotted the gun lying beside him and reached for it. A swift knee to the joy region stopped him short, and I grabbed the gun and scrambled to my feet. Snuggly rose, slowly, clutching his child factory. I aimed the gun at him.

"I can't let you do this, Snuggly."

Snuggly sounded like he was on helium.

"Go ahead. Shoot. Won't affect me, I'm not real, remember?"

He was right. A gun won't do much against someone who isn't there, even if it IS a lightgun. I turned the gun around, putting it back in my mouth. Snuggly froze.

"Wait... what are you doing?"

"Mmm hmmm murph mmm mmm."

"What?"

I took the gun out of my mouth.

"I said - I can kill you by killing me. Then your plans for world domination will never work."

"You don't have the grapefruits for it."

"Try me."

I found out that the gun was, in fact, real, and not a lightgun. Ah well. Half my skull splattered onto a shelf of PS2 games behind me. I was still alive, but could feel myself fading. Snuggly was laughing.

"You moron, I'm not REALLY a figment of your imagination. God, you'll believe anything, won’t you?"

I slipped into the unknown. Killed by my own gullibility. How humiliating.

I suspect me and Grix are equally soft.

Want me to find it and pop it or re-post it for you?

Fight Club is brilliant film. As is this spoof.

Great stuff.

That was great. I don't remember Kyle's spoof.

From Mystiques lady lips to a "vibey"

sounds like the makings of an adult movie.

A gross-out one.

Or lady boy?

Can I call you that? Please?

Anyway, I like calling people "kid", gives me an Indiana Jones vibe. Oooh... vibey.

Yeah, he likes to be called, "laddo".

...I gave up, that's why im like this. And don't call me "kid" it's derogatory and demeaning.

Er... yeah. Just what I was thinking...

(what's this kid smoking?)

Now your spoof skills are worn out, greying and no use to anyone.

Much like Mystiques lady lips.