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"Bethlehem 2003 (Story)"

Bethlehem: 2003

In a flat about Oxfam in Bethlehem, a suburb of Greater Manchester, Games Girl and her boyfriend of 4 months, Baz, are doing the usual festive things; smoking crack and drinking bleach.

Games Girl: Ere Baz, I think I’m having contractions, like
Baz: Shurrup girl, it’ll be that bleach you’ve been drinking, can’t handle your bleach can you.
Games Girl: Bloody hell, I think my water’s have broken!
Baz: Don’t be stupid, you’ll just be wetting yourself again, I know what you’re like when you’re drinking.

The conversation continued in this diabolical way until Games Girl went to the toilet and pushed out more than she bargained for.

Games Girl: Bloody hell Baz, I’m just had a baby like!
Baz: Don’t be stupid, you’ve couldn’t have had a… WHAT!
Games Girl: I pushed it out when I was having a crap, like
Baz: Well why didn’t you say you were up the duff, like?
Games Girl: I tried you dozy sod, you wouldn’t listen
Baz: … Since it’s a special occasion I’ll run down to the shop and get us some white spirit
Games Girl: Awww you’re a dear, I always wish this was your baby

So Baz ran down to the shop and Games Girl stayed in the flat smoking like a chimney and watching daytime telly, when all of a sudden she was confronted by an angelic vision… Angelina Jolie in tight while leather.

Angelina: Hello there,
Games Girl: What are you doing in my house, you tatty tart?
Angelina: I bring you a message from the father above
Games Girl: Don’t be stupid, there ain’t nobody’s father above, except that hobo that lives in the roof.
Angelina: I’m talking about God you silly cow
Games Girl: Oh, so what did he say like?
Angelina: He says your baby is sacred and you must name him with the most sacred Christmas name
Games Girl: All right then, now sod off I’m watching telly

After another 5 minutes of Trisha mouthing off at a transvestite couple, Baz returned with the white spirit and the two drank themselves to a stupor. Games Girl then brought up the topic of Angelina’s visit.

Baz: You mean that fine piece of ass was here and I didn’t get to grope her!
Games Girl: Yeah, she’s a skank though
Baz: Anyway, what did she say, like?
Games Girl: She said we have to name the baby something Christmassy
Baz: Ahh, right, well which bloke’s name would you say has a lot to do with Christmas then?
Games Girl: Well that Cliff Richard, he always has songs out doesn’t he.
Baz: We’ll call the wee ‘un Cliff Richard then
Games Girl: Good enough to me
Baz: So, you wanna shag, like?
Games Girl: Let me clean this afterbirth off my thighs and I’m all yours

So here ends this urban festive tale. Cliff Richard went on to be a drug mule for a Columbian baron, and was the richest man on his estate; owning both a burnt out Fiesta and a fake Rolex.


Merry Christmas to you all, remember to cook your turkey properly; if you’re going to catch something from a bird, make sure it’s the fun way.

Well, it was different...

That was damn good reading. Ta.

Yum yum.

well how natural *pukes*

Yeah I read about that somewhere. Apparently the placenta is really nutritious... but damn, thats gross.

you know some people actually cook the afterbirth and eat it after the birth. those people are sick in the head, what is this ... the dark ages? I know grocery prices have risen but surely we don't need to be resorting to such extreme measures?

Afterbirth is the stuff that comes out after the baby, the placenta and a load of gore and stuff.

Thanks, my sickness is a worthy attribute :-D

Afterbirth?!

Your sickness is amusing Kyz. Good work.
:D

Now that is what I call bringing christmas home...

good story