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Bethlehem: 2003
In a flat about Oxfam in Bethlehem, a suburb of Greater Manchester, Games Girl and her boyfriend of 4 months, Baz, are doing the usual festive things; smoking crack and drinking bleach.
Games Girl: Ere Baz, I think I’m having contractions, like
Baz: Shurrup girl, it’ll be that bleach you’ve been drinking, can’t handle your bleach can you.
Games Girl: Bloody hell, I think my water’s have broken!
Baz: Don’t be stupid, you’ll just be wetting yourself again, I know what you’re like when you’re drinking.
The conversation continued in this diabolical way until Games Girl went to the toilet and pushed out more than she bargained for.
Games Girl: Bloody hell Baz, I’m just had a baby like!
Baz: Don’t be stupid, you’ve couldn’t have had a… WHAT!
Games Girl: I pushed it out when I was having a crap, like
Baz: Well why didn’t you say you were up the duff, like?
Games Girl: I tried you dozy sod, you wouldn’t listen
Baz: … Since it’s a special occasion I’ll run down to the shop and get us some white spirit
Games Girl: Awww you’re a dear, I always wish this was your baby
So Baz ran down to the shop and Games Girl stayed in the flat smoking like a chimney and watching daytime telly, when all of a sudden she was confronted by an angelic vision… Angelina Jolie in tight while leather.
Angelina: Hello there,
Games Girl: What are you doing in my house, you tatty tart?
Angelina: I bring you a message from the father above
Games Girl: Don’t be stupid, there ain’t nobody’s father above, except that hobo that lives in the roof.
Angelina: I’m talking about God you silly cow
Games Girl: Oh, so what did he say like?
Angelina: He says your baby is sacred and you must name him with the most sacred Christmas name
Games Girl: All right then, now sod off I’m watching telly
After another 5 minutes of Trisha mouthing off at a transvestite couple, Baz returned with the white spirit and the two drank themselves to a stupor. Games Girl then brought up the topic of Angelina’s visit.
Baz: You mean that fine piece of ass was here and I didn’t get to grope her!
Games Girl: Yeah, she’s a skank though
Baz: Anyway, what did she say, like?
Games Girl: She said we have to name the baby something Christmassy
Baz: Ahh, right, well which bloke’s name would you say has a lot to do with Christmas then?
Games Girl: Well that Cliff Richard, he always has songs out doesn’t he.
Baz: We’ll call the wee ‘un Cliff Richard then
Games Girl: Good enough to me
Baz: So, you wanna shag, like?
Games Girl: Let me clean this afterbirth off my thighs and I’m all yours
So here ends this urban festive tale. Cliff Richard went on to be a drug mule for a Columbian baron, and was the richest man on his estate; owning both a burnt out Fiesta and a fake Rolex.
Merry Christmas to you all, remember to cook your turkey properly; if you’re going to catch something from a bird, make sure it’s the fun way.
In a flat about Oxfam in Bethlehem, a suburb of Greater Manchester, Games Girl and her boyfriend of 4 months, Baz, are doing the usual festive things; smoking crack and drinking bleach.
Games Girl: Ere Baz, I think I’m having contractions, like
Baz: Shurrup girl, it’ll be that bleach you’ve been drinking, can’t handle your bleach can you.
Games Girl: Bloody hell, I think my water’s have broken!
Baz: Don’t be stupid, you’ll just be wetting yourself again, I know what you’re like when you’re drinking.
The conversation continued in this diabolical way until Games Girl went to the toilet and pushed out more than she bargained for.
Games Girl: Bloody hell Baz, I’m just had a baby like!
Baz: Don’t be stupid, you’ve couldn’t have had a… WHAT!
Games Girl: I pushed it out when I was having a crap, like
Baz: Well why didn’t you say you were up the duff, like?
Games Girl: I tried you dozy sod, you wouldn’t listen
Baz: … Since it’s a special occasion I’ll run down to the shop and get us some white spirit
Games Girl: Awww you’re a dear, I always wish this was your baby
So Baz ran down to the shop and Games Girl stayed in the flat smoking like a chimney and watching daytime telly, when all of a sudden she was confronted by an angelic vision… Angelina Jolie in tight while leather.
Angelina: Hello there,
Games Girl: What are you doing in my house, you tatty tart?
Angelina: I bring you a message from the father above
Games Girl: Don’t be stupid, there ain’t nobody’s father above, except that hobo that lives in the roof.
Angelina: I’m talking about God you silly cow
Games Girl: Oh, so what did he say like?
Angelina: He says your baby is sacred and you must name him with the most sacred Christmas name
Games Girl: All right then, now sod off I’m watching telly
After another 5 minutes of Trisha mouthing off at a transvestite couple, Baz returned with the white spirit and the two drank themselves to a stupor. Games Girl then brought up the topic of Angelina’s visit.
Baz: You mean that fine piece of ass was here and I didn’t get to grope her!
Games Girl: Yeah, she’s a skank though
Baz: Anyway, what did she say, like?
Games Girl: She said we have to name the baby something Christmassy
Baz: Ahh, right, well which bloke’s name would you say has a lot to do with Christmas then?
Games Girl: Well that Cliff Richard, he always has songs out doesn’t he.
Baz: We’ll call the wee ‘un Cliff Richard then
Games Girl: Good enough to me
Baz: So, you wanna shag, like?
Games Girl: Let me clean this afterbirth off my thighs and I’m all yours
So here ends this urban festive tale. Cliff Richard went on to be a drug mule for a Columbian baron, and was the richest man on his estate; owning both a burnt out Fiesta and a fake Rolex.
Merry Christmas to you all, remember to cook your turkey properly; if you’re going to catch something from a bird, make sure it’s the fun way.
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Damn straight :-D
2nd place, Kyz, always 2nd.
Though cleaning off after-birth seemed a little upper-class for the GG. She would have bottled it and sold it on e-bay with an old Power Rangers doll.
Though cleaning off after-birth seemed a little upper-class for the GG. She would have bottled it and sold it on e-bay with an old Power Rangers doll.
Paradox wrote:
> :-(
But I thought it was good.
> :-)
> :-(
But I thought it was good.
> :-)
It's meant to be a sort of surreal parody of the festive season and represents our cultures struggle with pornography and gripping everday issues or real life and the hardships of living in Burney-on-Sea.
Reindeer Porn ????
what is all that about?
what is all that about?
Where, Bethlehem or "the middle of the road with a dead fox" ?
were you there?
Black Glove wrote:
> This rocks, Paradox
> Well maybe not rocks
> But it's better than socks
> Or a dead fox
> In the middle of the road
:-(
> This rocks, Paradox
> Well maybe not rocks
> But it's better than socks
> Or a dead fox
> In the middle of the road
:-(
EL ® ö B ì Ñ wrote:
> Nice one pardox :D
> Nice one pardox :D
This rocks, Paradox
Well maybe not rocks
But it's better than socks
Or a dead fox
In the middle of the road
Well maybe not rocks
But it's better than socks
Or a dead fox
In the middle of the road
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