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"English Bloke Investigates (Spoof)"

Snuggly: Tony! They’ve gone!

Tony: Get a hold of yourself Snuggly, what’s gone exactly?

Snuggly: The Gad’s Tony, they’re all gone!

Tony: Oh no! Without the prospect of free games those grey-skinned mutants we call ‘posters’ will not frequent out forums and post game reviews so we don’t have to!

Snuggly: Indeed, old man, we’ll have to get the Gad’s back, and fast

Tony: Well I am way too lazy to be bothered doing that, get that back Snuggly or you’re fired

Snuggly: Sure thing, chief.

Snuggly pondered for countless hours whilst scrubbing Tony’s toilet and sweeping his porch until eventually it hit him,

Snuggly: I’ll get that smarmy chap English Bloke to get them back – he’s a bobby after all.

So snuggly went against SR regulations and found English Bloke’s address on the database and turned up at the grimy little flat English Bloke calls home. The door was locked and nobody was answering so Snuggly used his Enter The Matrix skills and somersaulted through the keyhole and into the flat. He waded through empty pizza boxes and beer cans to the couch and sat himself down, entertaining himself with the large collection of Hustler’s that were perched on the sofa. Several hours later English Bloke arrived home, opening his door to find a bedraggled man sat on his sofa with a porno mag in one hand and what appeared to be a stick of salami.

English Bloke: What the hell do you think you’re doing sonny?

Snuggly: I’ve been expecting you, English Bloke

English Bloke: How do you know my name? Who are you? Where did you get that salami?

Snuggly: Never mind the salami, I’m Snuggly, from SR

English Bloke: Oh…

Snuggly: Indeed… I need you to do me something

English Bloke: Uh, sure

Snuggly: I need you to find the lost Gad’s, or I will get fired.

English Bloke: Leave it to me, I’ve had CS gas training

Snuggly: I trust you will return them to me and if you do I promise a hearty reward

English Bloke: Oooh. Were shall I bring them when I get them back?

Snuggly: Tony’s cottage where we spend the weekends. You have 2 days.

English Bloke: Did you say Tony’s cottage?

Snuggly: …………… No

English Bloke: Right then.. I’ll get them back for you, don’t you worry.

Snuggly walked on of the flat with some adult magazines stuffed in his jacket pockets and a grin across his face. English Bloke went to the kitchen to make himself a sandwich.



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Day 1
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English Bloke awoke in a drunken stupor with a bottle of Jack Daniels under one arm and a hooker under the other. After rubbing his eyes sleepily he remembered his task to find the lost Gad’s and jumped to his feet at once and ran out of the flat, he returned several minutes later to put his pants on.

Later that day…

Pedro: Hey, anyone smell bacon?

Carlos: Hey dawg it da police! What you wanting around here man?

English Bloke: Good day my inner city ruffians, would you know about the disappearance of a number of Gad’s?

Pedro: Yo man, we got weed, speed and E’s but we don’t know what yo talking about!

English Bloke: Gad’s, free computer games, don’t you guys use the internet?

Carlos: You cant scare us with yo big words, dawg!

English Bloke: So you don’t know where there are any computer games stashed?

Pedro: No idea, pig

English Bloke: Do you know if I give you ten quid?

Carlos: They’re in Jay’s garage buddy, now hand over the cash.

English Bloke: Heh, no

English Bloke ran out of the dodgy looking alley into the side of a milk truck and then continued dizzily back to his Hustler’s at home.


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Day 2
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English Bloke awoke in a haze surrounded by a tub of Vaseline, his Hustlers and a large tub of pickles. He switched on TV in time for GMTV and then dashed out of the door to fight crime, the hapless way.

Now English bloke conveniently already knew of the whereabouts of Jay’s garage and it was just a matter of gaining access to it, and he knew just the way. He caught a flight to Yemen where he had heard they hired out bazookas to shoot cows, and looked for a bazooka to rent. Due to Yemen being an absolute bum hole of a country he found one almost instantly and flew back to good old dreary England, utilising the fact that Yemen couldn’t afford any airport security and couldn’t detect the bazooka in his hand luggage.

Once back in England he found Jay’s garage and knocked politely on the wrought iron door.

Jay: Yo who is dis?

English Bloke: You home boy; this is the police!

Jay: Yeah, and I’m Diana Ross

English Bloke: Really? I love Diana Ross, sing that song with th…

Jay: I’m joking man, damn!

English Bloke: Oh… can I come in?

Jay: Hell no dawg!

English Bloke: I’ll have to make my own entrance then

English Bloke loaded the bazooka and fired it towards the heftily reinforced garage door. A smouldering hole appeared in the door and a fat little midget on a bar stool inside looked rather distressed.

Jay: Woah man! You could have killed me! Watch it or I’ll head butt you in the groin!

English Bloke: I don’t want any trouble mister, I’m here for the computer games

Jay: Oh, you can take those man, they suck!

English Bloke: What do you mean?

Jay: who the hell needs 42 copied of Turok Evolution, hell who even needs one!?

English Bloke picked up the crate of games marked with the SR red splat and loaded them into the back of his panda car, driving off into the sunset towards Tony’s cottage. Once he arrived, and oddly enough he knew the directions with Snuggly telling him how to get there or the address, he carried the crate to the door and knocked thrice.

Snuggly appeared at the door in a pink fluffy towel, looking rather anxious but as soon as he saw it was English Bloke his eyes widened.

Snuggly: You have the games I trust?

English Bloke: Yes sir, they’re all here.

Snuggly: Thank you so much

Snuggly took the crate and began to close the door before English Bloke interrupted

English Bloke: Erm, I thought you said there would be a reward if I found them?

Snuggly: Oh yes, so I did…. Pick one

Snuggly extended his arms and tilted the crate towards English Bloke.

English Bloke: I don’t want a copy of Turok Evolution, its crap

Snuggly: Oh, fair does then. Well, I’ve got things to be doing now…

English Bloke: Yeah…

Snuggly closed the door and English Bloke stood there, momentarily dazed and wondering why he had wasted the last two days of his life and then it dawned on him, because he was an officer of the law and it was his job to protect and serve… or something. English Bloke pinched a gnome from Tony and Snuggly’s garden and made his may home to his Hustlers, GMTV and the life he loved so dearly.

Baz, in future can you please not quote really long messages, it makes the post really hard to navigate when people do that. I appreciate your comments and input though.

Whoa that was genius.

Baz, why did you copy half the bleedin' thing?

Dude, we want more...

Baz you pratt you are not supposed to quote the whole message... if you want to boost your word count do something worthwhile for chrissakes.

Also, good spoof. A rare thing that...

Good stuff.

Note to self:
be more subtle with the gayness, it works better.

WOOOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOOO!


Hang abouts! Now there has been a great deal of crap going around on this forum the last week or so *stares at gamesgirl baz and others*


ut this my dear friend Kyle is damn good reading and entertainment! Thankyou for that pleasurable read! heh... a tub of vaseline *tsks*

So we're not going to have another "Homo-erotic adventure" ?

All the inuendos you could make with "Baz da hard man" Ah well :-)

Lil Ginge wrote:

> ut this my dear friend Kyle is damn good reading and entertainment!
> Thankyou for that pleasurable read! heh... a tub of vaseline *tsks*

My friend found a tub of vaseline in her (male) cousins bedroom, actually. True story.

There has been some alright posts in life and perhaps one in the music forum. pb wrote a good post yesterday and meka wrote a funky story that I guaruntee will win GAD.

Thanks for compliments boobie king. :-P

ha ha ha ha....



*no one will get that joke kyle*

Anyways, yes Life has been producing some good stuff if you ignore the fools polluting it with unofficial life threads *D'oh*


And - I have a tub of vaseline in my room becuase after my flu I was left with a red upper lip. So it is healing my weathered skin! Good stuff yee vaseline

Y'reckon Vaseline used to be used for lining vases?

Line Vase

Vase Line

vaseline