For example, according to a obscure fishing magazine that my Granddad keeps purchasing for me, a Spanish fisherman going by the name Jose Rojas Mayarita, (pronounced “Bob”), age 39, got a rather large surprise while fishing alone in the ocean somewhere, you know the place. Just of the coast of Mexico. He managed to hook a 10-foot marlin, and all by himself he fought the mighty creature for two and a half hours. While he proceeded to battle with his slimy foe, the giant swordfish decided to take matters into his own, um, flippers, and proceeded to launch itself from the sea straight into Bob’s boat, impaling him. The marlin's spear went completely through poor Bob’s abdomen leaving the fisherman drifting in his boat until he was finally rescued two days later.
After a lengthy discussion with police no charges were filed against the marlin, which claimed that the attack was made as an act of self-defence. The marlin is also claiming that humans don’t feel pain the same way fish do and that therefore it had not acted inappropriately.
In a possibly related incident, left-wing communist squirrels in Manchester have been seen stealing English flags from bar’s, shops and even veteran’s graves. According to a recent article from an even more obscure wildlife magazine, (cheers Granddad), the squirrels have been stockpiling the flags in a several tree stumps in the lush grassiness that is Manchester city-centre.
No one has commented on just what the squirrels are planning, but I think it’s safe to assume that when small woodland creatures begin hording stolen English flags in tree stumps, they’re up to no good.
This could all be a huge coincidence, but if anyone sees a squirrel and a marlin whispering together in a corner, or possibly looking over blueprints of the House of Commons, please notify the appropriate authorities immediately. Also, if a local squirrel tries to take your flag, (which we all carry secreted about our persons at all times...just me? Ah well), don’t be a hero. Just give it to them.
I think these two stories are damning pieces of evidence that point towards a possible disturbing result for us all: animals are getting tired of being pushed around by humans, and they are now they ready to do something about it.
I can’t remember the last time my cat listened to something I said. Ok, my cat has never ACTUALLY listened, but that just proves my point further. She did seem vaguely interested once when I was telling her about the offside trap, but it turns out she was just preparing herself to pounce on my head, which she apparently "innocently" mistook for a giant dead mouse, (it’s happened to all of us at some point in our lives, hasn't it?)
These disturbing events are further validated by the series of public service announcement programs, “When animals attack I”, “When animals attack II”, and, “When animals attack IV”. I missed, “When Animals Attack III”, and so I can’t really comment on it. I think it clashed with, “Colombo”, otherwise I would have watched it.
Anyway, as this programming shows, (I mean, “When Animals Attack”, not,
“Colombo”, although, “When Animals Attack Colombo”, might make a pretty good show), animals will attack you just for looking at them funny, or even for just infringing on their personal space and poking at them with a sharp stick. Steve Irwin, if animals rise up, take over the world and enslave all humanity, I’m blaming you!
This is a very important issue, and something that I think that we as citizens must do our bit to prevent. So, as soon as you’re done reading this, go to a very public place, supermarket, cinema or such and start screaming, “The animals are plotting against us, don’t take your eye of them for a second. They’re smarter then you think!”
Meanwhile, I’ll be sure to keep you posted on this terrifying topic, just as soon as I run out of other stuff to write about. In the meantime, I need to go feed my cat before she gets mad. I saw her whispering to a squirrel the other day, and I’m afraid she might be packing a concealed marlin.
I'll put something in Chat, mind. :)
..."He was resisting arrest"...
"He fell down the stairs."
... or ...
"He walked into a door ... 6 times!"
Have you not seen The Sweeney?
Do you not know what we do?