Viewing Thread:
"Underworld - Review"

Oh dear.
Oh dear oh dear.

Vampires Vs Werewolves.
Gonna be good right? Gonna be exciting and rammed with excellent set-pieces like in the trailer right?
Wrong.
If you've seen the trailer, then save yourself the ££ and watch that again, pausing between fights and say "ancient feud between lycans & vampires" "I fancy that human" and "Oooo you're in trouble Kate Beckinsale"

Vampires with no discernible vampire abilities. They jump from tall things and land easily, that's about it. They dont appear to drink blood, they don't possess any supernatural powers.
Hell, there's one that can't even see in the dark - he has to peer into the blackness, squinting like a chinaman to allow a "Boo!" moment.
A vampire that can't see in the dark. That sums this turgid floater up.
Werewolves that are hairless and run along ceilings like the Alien, and howl once at the beginning (and that was lifted in an "homage" to American Werewolf in London).

So Vampires vs Werewolves. Classic horror devices. Battling. Cool.
Er...except they just shoot at each other with machine guns. Werewolves have "ultraviolet bullets" - basically sunbed bullets and vampires have silver-nitrate bullets.
Vampires in Matrix-leather shooting machine guns & werewolves in X-Men Sabre-tooth clothes shooting machine guns.
Rubbish.

Some plot about a bloke that has mixed blood and can ultimately become some werevampire (I kid you not). Except the vampires are crap and don't realise until Beckinsale gets the hots for hero-man (who resembles Peter Buck from REM).
Zero power struggles for control of the coven (writer forgets vampires are in clans, witches in covens), some old vampire gets woken up and minces about with IV tubes.

Ah...I can't be bothered to write anymore about why this film sucks.
Vampires that cannot see in the dark.
Awful

I've said it before and I'll say it again:

"A vampire Vs werewolves love story" does NOT sound like the summary of a good film.

Memorandum! wrote:
> They cast reflections.

--

Yeah. What kind of vampire does that? Ponces. And she didn't need to be invited into Michaels house.

The sagacious one wrote:
> Goatboy wrote:
>
> Studio execs meeting:
> "Matrix meets Blade meets Dog Soldiers meets Alien?"
> "Cool. Script?"
> "....ah...ever played Legacy of Kain?"
> "Yah"
> "That'll do"
> "Cool, let's do lunch"
>
> I forgot to mention I'm lurching some Zombies into the fray. Vampires
> vs Werewolves vs SAS vs Zombies. And some Aliens and Robots.
>
> That's a multi million pound idea right there.
>
> I'll call it ZWAARS: undead and univited.
>
> I am genius.

Alternatively, why not have one guy who is a werewolf, and he has kidnapped this alien, so the vampire detective goes about trying to figure out the case.

But get this, it's actually only one character, who is schizophrenic. You can call it The Three (Slighly stolen from Adaptation...)

They cast reflections.

I already posted about how pants it was, I had the misfortune of seeing it the day it came out. I knew it wouldn't be as good as The Matrix or Blade, but I figured it'd be at least entertaining. Pft.

Goatboy wrote:

> Studio execs meeting:
> "Matrix meets Blade meets Dog Soldiers meets Alien?"
> "Cool. Script?"
> "....ah...ever played Legacy of Kain?"
> "Yah"
> "That'll do"
> "Cool, let's do lunch"

I forgot to mention I'm lurching some Zombies into the fray. Vampires vs Werewolves vs SAS vs Zombies. And some Aliens and Robots.

That's a multi million pound idea right there.

I'll call it ZWAARS: undead and univited.

I am genius.

It was devoid of any excitement whatsoever.
That bit in the trailer where she shoots the floor and falls to the level below?
That's after shooting 4 werewolves running along the walls/ceiling (???) and leaving just one left.

Shoot this last approaching werewolf and investigate the room?
Nope, spray the floor with bullets (silver bullets no less) and do something cool instead.

History of why the vampires & werewolves are at war?
Nope. Well, 2 mins at the end in flashback.
Explanation as to why nobody has cottoned on to these monsters?
Nope.

Studio execs meeting:
"Matrix meets Blade meets Dog Soldiers meets Alien?"
"Cool. Script?"
"....ah...ever played Legacy of Kain?"
"Yah"
"That'll do"
"Cool, let's do lunch"

You think the first one is bad, I read the other day there's a strong possibility of two more films in the series. Nooooo!!

I read that they managed to mess up this movie, which given the premise, would take an real effort. I guess they have, as I am sure Goaty has similar Vampire versus Werewolves requirements to me. It should be like Blade 2 vs Dog Soldiers.

Man that would rock.

I'd have SAS caught in the middle too. Sood it i'm gonna write my own script...

Really, it's terrible.
You see a werewolf transformation 3 times. The rest of the time it's blokes in suits running along.
Vampires? They have blue eyes and some fangs, bite somebody...not once.

Moment I realised it was one of the worst this year?
Bloke in back of police car starts to transform into a werewolf, really slowly.
The cops do what? Put in a thrash-metal CD to drown his shouts out.
Cue soundtrack song playing.

I'm writing to Beckinsale and demanding my money back.