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"Funny Sports Quotes"

Today in the England/Macedonia game was a pretty funny quote that came when Phillip Neville was on the sideline warming up:

"Neville is stripped and ready for action"

Perhaps I have a dirty mind but I found it funny.

Also in the world cup last year when David James played a few games in the qualifying rounds but David Seaman took over for the majority of the games came the side-splitting quote:

"Erickson has filled James's gap with Seaman"

I am sure there is a bunch of great sports quotes out there so go ahead and add them to this thread.

"Sie findet es ist uber alles, es ist, Ach mein Gott!"

(Or something like that. If you don't understand German, it means 'They think it's all over it is, Oh, God'.)


German commentater in the last seconds of Germany-Finland, hoping that they can grab a quick goal to avoid the playoffs. Trying to emulate Wolstenholme doesen't work. Especially when your team doesen't have someone who thinks they're Geoff hurst!

The batsman's HOLDING the bowler's WILLEY.
Fantastic cricket quote.

"Currie gives Hoddle the runs"

Banner at an FA Cup final years ago. Supposed to say that Glenn was a rubbish midfielder. Went a bit wrong when Spurs won the replay.

"If Beattie can play for England, So can I...."

- Wolves fans in yesterdays game

*Beattie reacts by scoring twice against them.

Sorry about the layout, it's come straight from a txt file...

"Pires has got something about him, he can go both ways depending on who's facing him" - David Pleat
"Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball" - Ian St John
"The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game" - Kevin Keegan
"Moreano thought that the full back was gonna come up behind and give him one really hard" - Big Ron
"Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman" - Brian Moore
"I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to thefinish" - Ian St John
"Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored" - Terry Venables
"The Croatians don't play well without the ball" - Barry Venison
"It had to go in, but it didn't" - Peter Drury
"That's lifted the crowd up into the air" - Barry Davies
"He never fails to hit the target. But that was a miss." -Bobby Robson
"Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders" - Kevin Keegan
"Only one team can win this game....and that team is England" -Kevin Keegan
"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose" -Kevin Keegan
"That would have been a goal if the goalkeeper hadn't saved it" -Kevin Keegan
"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's completely different" -Kevin Keegan
"A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm -and it nearly came off" -Kevin Keegan
"Zidane is not very happy, because he's suffering from the wind" -Big Ron
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces" -Big Ron
"They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders" -Big Ron
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw" -Big Ron
"He sliced the ball when he had it on a plate" -Big Ron
"I'm afraid they've left their legs at home" -Big Ron
'I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs...' ( Andy Gray, Sky Sports )
'This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.' ( Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator )
'Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks,ago' ( David Coleman )
'Julian D*cks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven D*cks on the field.' ( Metro Radio )
' ....and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..' ( Sue Barker )
Dennis Pennis: 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?' Chris Eubank: 'On what?'
' And for those of you who watched the last programme ( F*nny and Johnny Craddock Cookery Programme on the BBC ), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fannys ' ( David Coleman at the start of Match of The Day )
'I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones' ( Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before LC QF, 1992 )
'I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered' ( George Best )
'If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent' ( Bryan Robson, Man U, 1990 )
Richard Keys : Well Roy, do you think that you'll have to finish above Manchester United to win the league ? Roy Evans : You have to finish above everyone to win the league Richard
'If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen.' ( Terry Venebals, Capital Gold )
'It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday.' ( Radio 5 Live )
'Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money.' ( Newcastle United Fan, Radio 5 Live )
'I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it.' ( Alan Ball )
'Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different.' ( Trevor Brooking )
'Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badlycut forehead.' ( Tom Ferrie )
'And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out.' ( Dave Bassett )
'And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds.' ( Peter Jones )
'What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal.' ( Jimmy Hill )
'Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins.' ( Brian Moore )
'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.'( David Acfield )
'What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio.' ( Gerry Francis )
Headline - John Harkes going to Sheffield, Wednesday. ( New York Post, 1993 )
'If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers.' ( Mick Lyons )
'He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head.' ( Derek Johnstone- BBC TV Scotland, 1994 )
'The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did.' ( Barry Davies, 1975 )
'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel' ( Stuart Pearce, 1992 )
Jimmy Hill: Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through? Terry Venables: I think it's fifty- fifty
There's nobody fitter at his age, except maybe Raquel Welch ( Ron Atkinson lauds Gordon Strachan, 39 )
Manchester United take more in programme sales than we take on the gate ( Lawrie McMenemy, Southampton )
If I walked on water, my accusers would say it is because I can't swim( Berti Vogts, Germany coach )
You don't have to have been a horse to be a jockey( Arrigo Sacchi, Italy coach, defending a meagre playing record )
Love is good for footballers, as long as it is not at half-time( Richard Moller Nielsen, Denmark coach )
I was about to say, before something far more interesting interrupted.( John Motson, France v Bulgaria )
Why didn't you just belt it son?( Gareth Southgate's mother reflects publicly on her son's penalty miss )
The only way we will be going to Europe is if the club splash out and take us all to Eurodisney( Dean Holdsworth, Wimbledon )
I was shocked when I was first introduced to the fans because they brought out a sheep, cut its head offand then smeared blood over my forehead( Manchester United's Ronnie Johnsen on life with Besiktas, Turkey )
If the players want to make it hard for me, I am happy to make it twice as hard for them ( Wendy Toms, the first female referee to officiate in a professional game )
The score is Sunderland nil, Leicester nil, the temperature is nil and the entertainment value is not much above nil ( Sunderland v Leicester, Radio 5 Live )
I think having Wasps around here as well gives us that little buzz around the place (Ray Wilkins on the QPR-Wasps groundshare)
This is an unusual Scotland side because they have good players ( Praise for the Under-21s from Javier Clemente, Spain's coach )
There are some great defenders here, I just don't know their names ( David Ginola of Newcastle and France )
It's sod's law. Now I've got time to improve my golf it's the wrong time of year ( Howard Wilkinson when sacked by Leeds )
I know where he should have put his flag up, and he'd have got plenty of help ( Ron Atkinson at Stamford Bridge )
The referee was booking everyone. I thought he was filling in his lottery numbers( Ian Wright )
'Asking Ruud Gullit to perform in this sort of match is like asking Kiri te Kanawa to jam with the Spice Girls.'( 5 Live's Pat Murphy on the lousy pitch at Derby and the ill-tempered nature of the game )
'We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite' ( Murray Walker )
'The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense.' ( Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991 )
'On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" ( Ian Rush )
'Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator'( John Arlott )
'Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play'( Peter Lorenzo )
'We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized.' ( Ian McNail )
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body' ( Winston Bennett )
'The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.' ( Murray Walker )
'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. '( Greg Norman )
'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious.' ( Alan Minter )
'The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball.' ( John Francombe )
'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.' ( Terry Venables )
'We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival.' ( Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich )
'I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better'. ( Ron Atkinson )
'He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces.' ( Ron Atkinson )
'I never comment on referees and I'm not going to brek the habit of a lifetime for that pratt.' ( Ron Atkinson )
'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.' ( Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977 )
'Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists.'( David Vine )
'Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres.' ( David Coleman )
'Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of.'( David Coleman )
'To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.' ( Ruud Gullit )
'Well , either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'( Ron Atkinson )
'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.' ( David Acfield )
'What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?' ( Stuart all - Radio 5 live )
'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona'( Mark Draper - Aston Villa )
'There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class' ( David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics )
'...and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion'( John Arlott )
'These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them'( Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta )
"In terms of the Richter scale, this defeat was a force eight gale."( John Lyall )
"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails." ( Richard Park )
"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."( Dave Bassett, speaking on Sky Sports )
"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve."( John Greig )
"My parents have been there for me. Ever since I was about seven."( David Beckham )
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game, as long as we won the league." ( Mark Viduka )
"We lost because we didn't win." ( Ronaldo )
"I've had 14 bookings this season - eight of which were my fault, but seven of which were disputable." ( Paul Gascoigne )
"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."( Ian Wright )
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."( Alan Shearer )
"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." ( Thierry Henry )
"Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win." ( Vinny Jones )
"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level." ( David Beckham)

"You'll win nothing with kids"- Alan Hansen, on Man United, August 1995.

And for the record, they got the double that season.

"We r da the bestest team in Europe & r gona win da treble"

- Arsenal fans last season ;-)

"Sol Campbell is innocent I tells ya...INNOCENT!...but I didn't see it""

- Arsene Wenger

"Money Money Money...."

- Peter Kenyon

"Please let me play for Man Utd"

- Patrick Viera

"Can I clean Wayne Rooney's boots?

- Gazza

"A 60 year old beat me up with a football boot...sniff cry"

- David Beckham

"Seamen didn't know whether to come or go"

"Seamen left with a sticky situatuion" - When that foriegn team scored from the corner and Neville looked as if he was going to get it but he left it for Seamen and he left it for him.

LMAO@All of those quotes =P

"My strikers couldn't hit a donkey's @rse with a frying pan"- Dave Bassett, on Sheffield Utd's attack, 1991.

"All the sheep in this bloody country, and I still can't have bacon for breakfast?"- Gazza, whilst on tour in New Zealand.