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Much of the Eastern sea-board suffered a power-cut yesterday, plunging many areas in total daylight. Local New York resident Al-Fahaa El-Mackba said “I was sitting at home reading, when all of a suddent I felt the urge for a cup of tea. I went to boil the kettle and then I realised that I had no power”.
When pressed to describe the terrifying ordeal, Mr El-Mackba shrugged “I had a soda instead and went for a walk”
Similar stories flooded in to newsrooms all over the country and the same horrific story was repeated nationwide, “Power cut affects Eastern Sea-Board! Nobody overly bothered really!”
CNN were quick to whip up hysteria and controversy by running the banner “Terrorist attack?!?!!!111” at the bottom of the screen, forgetting that nobody in the affected areas could ready it anyway.
Anchorman Dan Lovely expressed CNN’s concern with a grim, heroic voice similar to The Tic: “People everywhere are panicking! They’re stocking up on sunshine in case TERRORISTS try to attack them at night, under cover of darkness”
When pointed out that only Bond Villains had the technology and wherewithal to alter the planet’s solar cycle, Lovely looked even more patriotic and Chuck Norris “Yes but what if it escalates? What if TERRORISTS!!!!! try to, y’know, harness the terrible power the sun to achieve their own sunshine goals? They could hold us to ransom, TERRORISTS!!!!”
All over America, bovine masses were immediately concerned at the likelihood of this being a terrorist attack. UK Tourist Alan Commiesympathiser sighed “for god’s sake, they should try living in a country where we have had terrorist bombings for as long as I can remember. I mean really, one albeit horrific attack, and suddenly they start trying to blame Johnny Foreigner for anything”.
Events took a turn for the patriotic when President George “pig-eyed demon” Bush was informed of this potential terrorist skyjacking by Defence Secretary Chuck “Patriot” Goddamn.
Bush was quick to address the nation in a faltering, squinty-eyed televised address to the nation from a special safety bunker somewhere underground:
“Ma fellow Amurcans, do not worry, for ah’m safe. I have been informed by ma security cabinet that we will pursue the perpetrators of this terrible thing and…ah…get ‘em real good. Rest assured that I will not sleep until I am tired and have bombed the ass off of whoever did this. Or at least another country that I’ve been itching to smackdown but didn’t have no reason. Hyuck hyuck hyuck”.
When it became clear that a simple power cut was to blame, and not nefarious moonpeople intent on destroying all that is good, Bush once again addressed the nation, dressed in combats and smeared with camouflage paint to indicate his compassion and dedication to his fellow soldiers:
”People of Amurca, I have spoken to ma advisors and their insurance companies, and they tell meh this was an ‘Act of Gawd’.
Well I’ve been reading up on that there Gawd, and have had advice from several army men, and it is clear that this ‘Gawd’ is to blame. He is the head of a very well organised group, responsible for the deaths of millions of innocent Amurcans. His followers are fanatical, loyal, dedicated and willing to follow his word to the very last. This cannot be permitted. I have mobilised every plane, warship, tank, missile, pointy stone and pebble in an effort to find this person, and I will not stop until we have foiled his attempts to destroy everything we hold dear as a nation: War, acts of contrition, illiteracy, 3rd World levels of povery in some inner cities, xenophobia, hatred of others and an arrogance that staggers belief.
These truths we hold to be self evident, and I will promise you that I will find, stop and destroy this “Gawd”. God bless each and every one of you honest white anglo-saxon Christians. And probably The French are to blame, so let's keep Freedom Fries forevah! Ah...but we'll keep that there Statue of Liberty, 'cos that symbolises our great country. Good night, sleep tight, and don't let the listening-bugs bite”
When pressed to describe the terrifying ordeal, Mr El-Mackba shrugged “I had a soda instead and went for a walk”
Similar stories flooded in to newsrooms all over the country and the same horrific story was repeated nationwide, “Power cut affects Eastern Sea-Board! Nobody overly bothered really!”
CNN were quick to whip up hysteria and controversy by running the banner “Terrorist attack?!?!!!111” at the bottom of the screen, forgetting that nobody in the affected areas could ready it anyway.
Anchorman Dan Lovely expressed CNN’s concern with a grim, heroic voice similar to The Tic: “People everywhere are panicking! They’re stocking up on sunshine in case TERRORISTS try to attack them at night, under cover of darkness”
When pointed out that only Bond Villains had the technology and wherewithal to alter the planet’s solar cycle, Lovely looked even more patriotic and Chuck Norris “Yes but what if it escalates? What if TERRORISTS!!!!! try to, y’know, harness the terrible power the sun to achieve their own sunshine goals? They could hold us to ransom, TERRORISTS!!!!”
All over America, bovine masses were immediately concerned at the likelihood of this being a terrorist attack. UK Tourist Alan Commiesympathiser sighed “for god’s sake, they should try living in a country where we have had terrorist bombings for as long as I can remember. I mean really, one albeit horrific attack, and suddenly they start trying to blame Johnny Foreigner for anything”.
Events took a turn for the patriotic when President George “pig-eyed demon” Bush was informed of this potential terrorist skyjacking by Defence Secretary Chuck “Patriot” Goddamn.
Bush was quick to address the nation in a faltering, squinty-eyed televised address to the nation from a special safety bunker somewhere underground:
“Ma fellow Amurcans, do not worry, for ah’m safe. I have been informed by ma security cabinet that we will pursue the perpetrators of this terrible thing and…ah…get ‘em real good. Rest assured that I will not sleep until I am tired and have bombed the ass off of whoever did this. Or at least another country that I’ve been itching to smackdown but didn’t have no reason. Hyuck hyuck hyuck”.
When it became clear that a simple power cut was to blame, and not nefarious moonpeople intent on destroying all that is good, Bush once again addressed the nation, dressed in combats and smeared with camouflage paint to indicate his compassion and dedication to his fellow soldiers:
”People of Amurca, I have spoken to ma advisors and their insurance companies, and they tell meh this was an ‘Act of Gawd’.
Well I’ve been reading up on that there Gawd, and have had advice from several army men, and it is clear that this ‘Gawd’ is to blame. He is the head of a very well organised group, responsible for the deaths of millions of innocent Amurcans. His followers are fanatical, loyal, dedicated and willing to follow his word to the very last. This cannot be permitted. I have mobilised every plane, warship, tank, missile, pointy stone and pebble in an effort to find this person, and I will not stop until we have foiled his attempts to destroy everything we hold dear as a nation: War, acts of contrition, illiteracy, 3rd World levels of povery in some inner cities, xenophobia, hatred of others and an arrogance that staggers belief.
These truths we hold to be self evident, and I will promise you that I will find, stop and destroy this “Gawd”. God bless each and every one of you honest white anglo-saxon Christians. And probably The French are to blame, so let's keep Freedom Fries forevah! Ah...but we'll keep that there Statue of Liberty, 'cos that symbolises our great country. Good night, sleep tight, and don't let the listening-bugs bite”
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The whole panic over the power cut did actually make me laugh out loud when I saw it on Sky News last night. The companies running the phone boxes must have loved it though with all the money they made! I would have thought the phones went down too, but people on the news said they had phoned home.
monkey_man wrote:
> No-one's posted for at least 20 minutes. I can only assume that you
> are giving each other hand jobs.
A recruitment agency not far from where I work, were brazenly advertising on a poorly worded poster: 1 hour hand jobs available come, in to find out more.
Most agencies employ stunning women to entice men to register and so I intrepidly entered the premises to find out more. Within 10 minutes I got 5 hand jobs and even one blow job.
My hand jobs were mainly modelling shots for watches, with some dermilogical testing for a cosmetic company and a big shoot for the relaunch of Subbuteo. Their new slogan is pretty catchy and they are obviously targeting the youth market.
"It's just like flicking a boogey"
My blow job was also football related as I was paid to play blow football with a rich paraplegic for seven hours. After the game we drained the spittle from the table and donated it to Oxfam for them Africans.
All in all another glorious day.
> No-one's posted for at least 20 minutes. I can only assume that you
> are giving each other hand jobs.
A recruitment agency not far from where I work, were brazenly advertising on a poorly worded poster: 1 hour hand jobs available come, in to find out more.
Most agencies employ stunning women to entice men to register and so I intrepidly entered the premises to find out more. Within 10 minutes I got 5 hand jobs and even one blow job.
My hand jobs were mainly modelling shots for watches, with some dermilogical testing for a cosmetic company and a big shoot for the relaunch of Subbuteo. Their new slogan is pretty catchy and they are obviously targeting the youth market.
"It's just like flicking a boogey"
My blow job was also football related as I was paid to play blow football with a rich paraplegic for seven hours. After the game we drained the spittle from the table and donated it to Oxfam for them Africans.
All in all another glorious day.
Rofl.
Americans are so stupid.
"Oh my god. It seems we are without power - Whatever will we do?....
....eat non-microwavable foods?!"
"Don't be silly bobby - We got this wind-up genarator here - Get windin' boy!"
Americans are so stupid.
"Oh my god. It seems we are without power - Whatever will we do?....
....eat non-microwavable foods?!"
"Don't be silly bobby - We got this wind-up genarator here - Get windin' boy!"
Goatboy wrote:
> ... every plane, warship, missile, pointy stone and pebble ...
LOL!
> ... every plane, warship, missile, pointy stone and pebble ...
LOL!
No-one's posted for at least 20 minutes. I can only assume that you are giving each other hand jobs.
I don't like the sound of this Gawd
Insane Bartender wrote:
> *dons helmet*
The beginning of the end :|
> *dons helmet*
The beginning of the end :|
You want it too, don't you? I can see it in your eyes.
Very well...
*dons helmet*
Very well...
*dons helmet*
That brought a smile to my face then the banter between IB and GB wiped it off - gross image.
This isn't sex, it's distraction.
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