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"Erm...I'm Not Too Sure, To Be Honest..."

I’m not really too sure how to begin this, because there’s no point I want to specifically address first…maybe I should just start with what got me thinking about this. Yes, that sounds reasonable. I would just like to warn you first that, as my apparently unqualified IT teacher would put it, I will often go off on a tangent during this post. I have lots of different things to talk about, and they all seem to relate so it will probably all seem a bit confusing. But what the hell, I’ll banter on anyway.

I arrived home from a decent day at school a couple of hours, ready to just relax for a little while. My mother enters soon afterwards, and after the usual small talk we move onto the subject of a haircut. I’m going to Berlin on a school trip on Friday and I was hoping to get my hair cut before then, because it’s quite long at the moment…not too long, but still. However, our normal hairdresser who comes over and does it is sick with the flu…so my mum suggests going to the barbers down the high street.

I don’t like this idea…for one, I can’t be bothered to walk to the high street and pay stupidly high prices to sit while a complete stranger cuts my hair. I know my hairdresser quite well now and feel comfortable around her, whereas I’ve always hated going to the barbers…why? I don’t know really…it’s more expensive for one thing but that’s not it…I just hate it there. I don’t want to ask my mate up there with me, because if I were asked to go and I didn’t need a haircut too, I wouldn’t want to go. I think it’s the fact that I don’t know the hairdresser…I hate it when they start small talk because we’ll chat pointlessly for a few minutes, and then it will be painfully silent for the next quarter of an hour…and I’m not confident enough to ask them a question, or even to tell them what I exactly want with my hair…I dunno what I’m on about to be honest, so I don’t say anything, even if it doesn’t look totally right.

So I just say no, I won’t bother. Me and my mum are very close though and she seems to know everything about me…and she guessed this wasn’t because it was too expensive or anything like that, but because I’m firstly too lazy to go up there myself, but also because I just don’t feel comfortable up there. But in a way, she’s wrong…she thinks I haven’t grown up enough because I haven’t got myself a part-time job yet, and she thinks I just wanna spend all my time on the PC talking about games to all my little friends. She hasn’t got a clue about what is probably the most emotionally painful experience of my life (which some of you will know about) and about what thoughts fly through my head everyday. And she doesn’t know what I write about on here…she doesn’t know that I write stuff like this. And I don’t want to tell her, so I always lose the argument…she underestimates me.

We then moved onto a phone message I got the other day from my cricket coach asking about my availability this summer. To be brutally honest, and my dad wouldn’t like to hear me say this but still, I hated playing last year. Yeah, it was a laugh sometimes, and nice when I got a couple of decent batting scores…but I detested fielding hopelessly for fourty overs. I would field - sometimes in the freezing cold and even the rain – for over three of the most boring hours imaginable. And then I would bat for an average of around 10 minutes, and we’d get thrashed too. And apparently, the team want us to play Saturdays and Sundays now too! P!ss off. I don’t want to play at all, and I told my mum that. This disappointed her…I gave up football a couple of years ago too, although I do still play nearly everyday with my mates. I gave up tennis ages ago because I didn’t enjoy the training, although again, I really like playing with my mates and in the summer play on a regular basis. But she is still disappointed…she said to me, “you’re pathetic, I thought you were going to grow up to be a sportsman.”

And I am! I like playing sport…I just need to feel confident, and I need to enjoy myself! I didn’t enjoy myself at cricket and tennis clubs…I did at my football club, until half the team left and we joined up with another club. And unfortunately, I didn’t like the new manager or half of the new players, because they all knew each-other…I only knew a couple of people. And I didn’t feel comfortable there. I tried to join a new club and I really liked it there, but I am a leader at a weekly Christian Youth Group that meet every week at 8pm on a Monday…which is in the middle of their training sessions. But it’s not my fault…I just don’t have the confidence to join a new club, because I’ve spent so much time playing with my mates on the tennis courts that I don’t think I’m any good on the grass anymore…and I want to play with my friends, not with a load of guys I don’t know. And yes, I’m too lazy to train on an early Saturday morning…but that’s just the way I am.

I discussed joining a gym with her after that, and she talked about how I would have to pay for it, and how I would have to get a job…all my friends have jobs, after all…well that’s what she says anyway. And she’s right…YES, ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE F’ING JOBS!!! AND I DON’T, BECAUSE I’M PATHETIC!!!

And that’s how I end up feeling. I’m too lazy to get up at 6am and do a paper round – I don’t get enough sleep to do that anyway. A few of my mates work at this posh golf club raking the bunkers…but to be honest, I don’t have the confidence to just phone up and ask for a job…and I’m not too sure why…but it’s not all my fault, after all, during my only experience of work (at work experience) my vindictive b!tch of a boss gave me and my friend a bad report because apparently we weren’t enthusiastic enough.

Crap. Complete, and utter, CRAP! The stupid cow never talked to me anyway! I worked at a local paper, a decent opportunity for me…I was always on time, and I did everything they asked of me. I got on well with all of the other employees, and went out with the feature reporter to help him get some stories on a few occasions…I talked to him about my interest in writing and he discusses how he got the job, what he likes about it and dislikes etc. I showed interest, and I was interested! But of course, my boss didn’t see this…she based her report on what she saw sitting behind us at her big desk. You see, once I ‘d done whatever work I’d been set to do, I would wait for some more work to be set. I wasn’t confident enough to ask for more, because they were all busy themselves…they don’t want some annoying work experience stupid badgering them about more work while they’re on the phone. So I waited for more to be set…and according to her, this attitude was one of lacklustre and I wasted a great opportunity. Great…well that’s certainly improved my confidence about work.

In the end I just screamed at my mum…I hate it when my parents have a go at me about my shyness and my lack of self confidence…they’re fantastic parents and I’m very lucky, but sometimes they just get frustrated with me and I see why. I’m lazy, and have no confidence in myself. And I don’t know why…I’ve got loads of friends at school, I get on with almost everyone…and no, I don’t go out very often to be honest, because I’m not even confident to ring up certain friends and ask them to go somewhere…sometimes I just don’t want to go out. Is there something wrong with that? My parents live with it most of the time, but there’s always those comments of ‘pathetic’ and ‘sad.’ And I know they don’t mean it, but it gets to me…am I pathetic?

And I tell myself I’m not…and I tell myself I’ll be confident around people when I’m a bit older…but I’ve been rejected before, and it hurt so much…so I don’t know. I’m scared of ending up alone…and I’m scared that if I don’t gain in confidence I won’t be able to get myself a good job, and I won’t play any sport…and I’ll be lonely. And it won’t be all my fault…it’ll be the fault of people like my work experience boss, who just don’t understand.

And that’s just about all I wanna say…everything’s sorted out here at home, and I’m hoping my trip to Berlin with the school goes well…I’m also hoping that some of you understood what I’ve been writing about, because I know I don’t. {:)

Thanks for reading, Ant.

PS – Sam (Garlic Bread!?), if you read this, please keep it to yourself mate, I think I can trust you. {:)

firstly Gary and John are great barbers and chatting to them is easy ant, secondly 'pathetic' is just somthing your mum says because she thinks it'll make you improve, we know she's wrong, but parents are nieve like that. i dont enjoy sports either and, i have the fielding skills of a paraplegic (no offence intendid). so ignore parents and be yourself. i never tell my parents what i feel, imnfact im fairly distant from them.

PS - i wanted to get my hair cut tonight, but the barbors shut 5 minutes before i arrived, so if you want to go tomorow night then im up for it.

I don't take anything off my parents any more. If I get any of the "You're antisocial" crap, which I do, on a regular basis, even although I'm not really, then I just say "No, I'm not - you don't know about whether I'm antisocial or not", and I'll just walk off.

It's not like I don't like my parents. It's just that their constant badgering me to go outside is just getting a bit boring - I'm 17, I don't want to go out and hang around street corners like the common ned, throwing stones and bottles while smoking and drinking alchohol. That's not me. If my mates are out playing football, and I've got nothing on, I'll go out and play football. I go down to the park nearby regularly to play with my mates, and I think my Mum must just fail to see that.

Of course, if mates are just going out one random night to hang around the BP, that's when I'll take my 'Antisocial' mood, because I can't be bothered. To be quite honest, I'd rather be inside doing work than standing about doing absolutely nothing down at a petrol station. I'm not antisocial, pathetic or sad - I'm just not someone who'll hang around pretending to be cool.

And Ant, don't worry about confidence. As you get older, and as you get into Uni and make some new friends, you'll find out you've got bags of confidence again. It feels as if you're starting over again. I was very 'shy' when I was between 13 and 16, but as soon as I learned that there's really nothing to lack confidence about, then I just started talking to new people, getting involved in more stuff, and I've even got a Summer job now, with fairly good pay.

Don't worry about confidence - when you arrive at University or somewhere else like that, you'll realise that you'll have been worrying about absolutely nothing throughout your earlier teenage years.

Well, it's pretty much how a lot of people feel at your age and it's true that it would be bad to lay yourself a rigid career path at the moment too. I had no idea what I wanted to be at 16 (or even 18), by 18 I'd gone through 2 jobs and at 19 I was back in College studying. To be honest, even if I had an idea of what I wanted to do, it would have changed by now.

My best 'job', like an extended work experience really, was working at Your Sinclair and doing games reviews and features. They treated us like adults when I was only 16 and still felt bewildered by life (hell, I still do!). Still, it wasn't something I went in to, but perhaps I still might go back to it.

As for haircuts, I got mine done last week and it cost over £40 (and I can hear the accusations starting) but I trust the person who cuts it, so I can sympathise. Anyway, aren't we supposed to be not talking about haircuts in this forum ;-)

Anyway, don't worry about changing your mind about your future or about trying something new. The only way to get confidence is to try things until you find something you are happy with. You're still young.

Sit down and chat to your mum properly, she may well respect you more for it and realise just how adult you have become. Many of the problems in life, especially family life, are due to lack of proper communication.

Good luck in anything you decide to do, it WILL all work out for you.

Your parents say you're sad and pathetic? Erm, no offence but if that's true and they're meaning it that's a bit... harsh if you ask me.

The whole shyness thing, well that will come with time, hell I'm shy when meeting people the thought of running out of things to say and having to put up with a long silence just puts me off. It's possible though. For example last year I went back to college after a year of bumming around with mates doing nothing. It was a new college in a different town and I didn't know anyone. The first day was gay I hardly spoke a word to anyone, then I had to miss a few days due to other reasons (legitimate) and when I got back everyone seemed to know everyone and I had missed out on all the "get to know each other" exercises.

It gets to the point where you just think fcuk it and you just start talking to people, so what I'm trying to say is confidence just comes but it won't come if you don't at least give it a chance. Try the phone call for the job, if your mates work there it will be easier to settle in, just try and think about how the phone conversation will go before hand and plan what you'll say in your head. Hell I do that all the time.

And erm I can't believe I typed all that, you'll be fine, you're a cool dude. ;)

Oh and at least you've been on work experience for a paper, I've supposed to get around to doing that for two years now. Hmmmm.

I've seen similar happen.

Another reason why I stopped.

always remember:

"Personal safety is #1!"

I stopped going out at much when I got punched in the face twice in two weeks be two different people, neither of which I knew. Hmm.

I hope it does work out for you mate, because I'm exactly the same.

I never go out now, I just find it boring and off-putting. I can't help but become confused at why people find such entertainment in becoming inebriated , yet all my friends do it and seem to enjoy themselves, but I...well..don't. Maybe I'm just boring, or extremely odd (actually thats probably true, after all I spend all day on the net too, just like FMs....cat.)

Whether or not this is positive or negative I don't know, but to be honest I'm quite glad to hear there are others like me.

I used to be so shy a few years ago. I was shy all the way through primary school and up until about year 9 then I dont know what happened but I changed and grew confidence. I could talk to anyone and it was great. I think people just come into themselves at different ages and perhaps it takes an event to trigger it, dont let it hold you back though mate and dont let anyone call you pathetic, not even your parents, nobody understands you except yourself.

Cricket ugh i would rather play footie than that and yes fielding for 40 overs is well, not exciting.
It is not easy to find jobs nowadays, i find but if you are free over the summer try applying to some shops as soon as possible. Even though my bro has a degree in genetics he's finding it hard to find a job, heck he doesnt want to do genetics because the pay for it is low at first and hard to find.
Mom's nowadays don't understand, i'm shy aswell, heck they thought i am ADDICTED to computers.
But the reason is i like spending time without them shouting into my ear everytime, and my sister switching tv channels everytime.
My heads going around i've made mistakes which could hinder my future and i'm sometimes wondering if i can get a decent job in lets say 3 years time, but somedays i feel i can do it on a bad day i just can't get my head around it.
Good luck.

Wow, thanks dudes.

FM - It's nice to know I'm not the only one, and yep, I have got your MSN...I just need to sign in more. {:)

Microchips - Indeed. {:)

And Miserableman, thank-you for your honest advice...I've read through both your replies a few times and they've made me feel better...I know I can do these things, my problem is just actually doing them...but that's what I need to do...I need to stop worrying so much over looking stupid and just do it, because most of the time it will probably work out in the end...apart from my work experience. {:) Anyway, thanks again.