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"Erm...I'm Not Too Sure, To Be Honest..."

I’m not really too sure how to begin this, because there’s no point I want to specifically address first…maybe I should just start with what got me thinking about this. Yes, that sounds reasonable. I would just like to warn you first that, as my apparently unqualified IT teacher would put it, I will often go off on a tangent during this post. I have lots of different things to talk about, and they all seem to relate so it will probably all seem a bit confusing. But what the hell, I’ll banter on anyway.

I arrived home from a decent day at school a couple of hours, ready to just relax for a little while. My mother enters soon afterwards, and after the usual small talk we move onto the subject of a haircut. I’m going to Berlin on a school trip on Friday and I was hoping to get my hair cut before then, because it’s quite long at the moment…not too long, but still. However, our normal hairdresser who comes over and does it is sick with the flu…so my mum suggests going to the barbers down the high street.

I don’t like this idea…for one, I can’t be bothered to walk to the high street and pay stupidly high prices to sit while a complete stranger cuts my hair. I know my hairdresser quite well now and feel comfortable around her, whereas I’ve always hated going to the barbers…why? I don’t know really…it’s more expensive for one thing but that’s not it…I just hate it there. I don’t want to ask my mate up there with me, because if I were asked to go and I didn’t need a haircut too, I wouldn’t want to go. I think it’s the fact that I don’t know the hairdresser…I hate it when they start small talk because we’ll chat pointlessly for a few minutes, and then it will be painfully silent for the next quarter of an hour…and I’m not confident enough to ask them a question, or even to tell them what I exactly want with my hair…I dunno what I’m on about to be honest, so I don’t say anything, even if it doesn’t look totally right.

So I just say no, I won’t bother. Me and my mum are very close though and she seems to know everything about me…and she guessed this wasn’t because it was too expensive or anything like that, but because I’m firstly too lazy to go up there myself, but also because I just don’t feel comfortable up there. But in a way, she’s wrong…she thinks I haven’t grown up enough because I haven’t got myself a part-time job yet, and she thinks I just wanna spend all my time on the PC talking about games to all my little friends. She hasn’t got a clue about what is probably the most emotionally painful experience of my life (which some of you will know about) and about what thoughts fly through my head everyday. And she doesn’t know what I write about on here…she doesn’t know that I write stuff like this. And I don’t want to tell her, so I always lose the argument…she underestimates me.

We then moved onto a phone message I got the other day from my cricket coach asking about my availability this summer. To be brutally honest, and my dad wouldn’t like to hear me say this but still, I hated playing last year. Yeah, it was a laugh sometimes, and nice when I got a couple of decent batting scores…but I detested fielding hopelessly for fourty overs. I would field - sometimes in the freezing cold and even the rain – for over three of the most boring hours imaginable. And then I would bat for an average of around 10 minutes, and we’d get thrashed too. And apparently, the team want us to play Saturdays and Sundays now too! P!ss off. I don’t want to play at all, and I told my mum that. This disappointed her…I gave up football a couple of years ago too, although I do still play nearly everyday with my mates. I gave up tennis ages ago because I didn’t enjoy the training, although again, I really like playing with my mates and in the summer play on a regular basis. But she is still disappointed…she said to me, “you’re pathetic, I thought you were going to grow up to be a sportsman.”

And I am! I like playing sport…I just need to feel confident, and I need to enjoy myself! I didn’t enjoy myself at cricket and tennis clubs…I did at my football club, until half the team left and we joined up with another club. And unfortunately, I didn’t like the new manager or half of the new players, because they all knew each-other…I only knew a couple of people. And I didn’t feel comfortable there. I tried to join a new club and I really liked it there, but I am a leader at a weekly Christian Youth Group that meet every week at 8pm on a Monday…which is in the middle of their training sessions. But it’s not my fault…I just don’t have the confidence to join a new club, because I’ve spent so much time playing with my mates on the tennis courts that I don’t think I’m any good on the grass anymore…and I want to play with my friends, not with a load of guys I don’t know. And yes, I’m too lazy to train on an early Saturday morning…but that’s just the way I am.

I discussed joining a gym with her after that, and she talked about how I would have to pay for it, and how I would have to get a job…all my friends have jobs, after all…well that’s what she says anyway. And she’s right…YES, ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE F’ING JOBS!!! AND I DON’T, BECAUSE I’M PATHETIC!!!

And that’s how I end up feeling. I’m too lazy to get up at 6am and do a paper round – I don’t get enough sleep to do that anyway. A few of my mates work at this posh golf club raking the bunkers…but to be honest, I don’t have the confidence to just phone up and ask for a job…and I’m not too sure why…but it’s not all my fault, after all, during my only experience of work (at work experience) my vindictive b!tch of a boss gave me and my friend a bad report because apparently we weren’t enthusiastic enough.

Crap. Complete, and utter, CRAP! The stupid cow never talked to me anyway! I worked at a local paper, a decent opportunity for me…I was always on time, and I did everything they asked of me. I got on well with all of the other employees, and went out with the feature reporter to help him get some stories on a few occasions…I talked to him about my interest in writing and he discusses how he got the job, what he likes about it and dislikes etc. I showed interest, and I was interested! But of course, my boss didn’t see this…she based her report on what she saw sitting behind us at her big desk. You see, once I ‘d done whatever work I’d been set to do, I would wait for some more work to be set. I wasn’t confident enough to ask for more, because they were all busy themselves…they don’t want some annoying work experience stupid badgering them about more work while they’re on the phone. So I waited for more to be set…and according to her, this attitude was one of lacklustre and I wasted a great opportunity. Great…well that’s certainly improved my confidence about work.

In the end I just screamed at my mum…I hate it when my parents have a go at me about my shyness and my lack of self confidence…they’re fantastic parents and I’m very lucky, but sometimes they just get frustrated with me and I see why. I’m lazy, and have no confidence in myself. And I don’t know why…I’ve got loads of friends at school, I get on with almost everyone…and no, I don’t go out very often to be honest, because I’m not even confident to ring up certain friends and ask them to go somewhere…sometimes I just don’t want to go out. Is there something wrong with that? My parents live with it most of the time, but there’s always those comments of ‘pathetic’ and ‘sad.’ And I know they don’t mean it, but it gets to me…am I pathetic?

And I tell myself I’m not…and I tell myself I’ll be confident around people when I’m a bit older…but I’ve been rejected before, and it hurt so much…so I don’t know. I’m scared of ending up alone…and I’m scared that if I don’t gain in confidence I won’t be able to get myself a good job, and I won’t play any sport…and I’ll be lonely. And it won’t be all my fault…it’ll be the fault of people like my work experience boss, who just don’t understand.

And that’s just about all I wanna say…everything’s sorted out here at home, and I’m hoping my trip to Berlin with the school goes well…I’m also hoping that some of you understood what I’ve been writing about, because I know I don’t. {:)

Thanks for reading, Ant.

PS – Sam (Garlic Bread!?), if you read this, please keep it to yourself mate, I think I can trust you. {:)

AfroJoe wrote:

> Of course, if mates are just going out one random night to hang around
> the BP, that's when I'll take my 'Antisocial' mood, because I can't be
> bothered. To be quite honest, I'd rather be inside doing work than
> standing about doing absolutely nothing down at a petrol station. I'm
> not antisocial, pathetic or sad - I'm just not someone who'll hang
> around pretending to be cool.


Hear fooking hear - there's nothing more pathetic than bumfluff-moustache warriors who 'hang' on 'street corners'. If you're going to go out and do something, do it properly - go somewhere, do something, anything, just not sit on someones garden wall and swear at passers by ffs!

"How to p*ss your life away" by A. Kev - coming to all good bookshops soon!

Ashley wrote:
> ...it is the fear
> that you might end up in a worse situation than you are in now, with
> not only not getting the esult you wanted, but also the possible loss
> of a friendship


don't forget the cd :^D

Rejection hurts... but its part of life :S

Dr Duck wrote:
>
> Secondly, and the one I've had most trouble with myself, is about
> confidence.
> For a while I knew this girl (don't you hate it when stories start
> like that? :^) ). I didn't have the nuts to ask her out, partly for
> fear of rejection and partly because it'd blow the friendship we had.
> This went on for a long time. I don't even want to embaress myself by
> putting a number to it.
> Eventually I got the courage up to speak to her about it. And I got
> knocked back, and our friendship hasn't been the same since (and she
> still has my favourite cd :^( ). Pretty much a worst case scenario.
> But you know what? Despite it, I'm glad I did it. Finally I knew where i stood

That is one of the hardest things to do.When you have met a nice girl, but have got to know her first beore you try and get her to go out with you. But in the time you have got to know her she has become a really good friend and you are afraid you will ruin your friendship. that is so bad, as it is not even fearing rejection, it is the fear that you might end up in a worse situation than you are in now, with not only not getting the esult you wanted, but also the possible loss of a friendship

er my parents pestered me to geta job for bloomin ages, but i just couldn't be bothered, it wasn't till started going out regularly that i needed the money and so finally relented. Beore then my needs were fairly basic and so there weas no point in actually getting one, fair enough i could have been stashing up money, but in reality i would just have frittered it away as i earnt it on little things that i didn't need. Several of my friends had summer jobs the year before i had mine and it was really quite ridiculous by october they'd be moaning they were skint, i'd say "but you had a summer job" then they'd tell me they had blown all the money on a cool stereo and Amp and i'd think whats the point. By all means if you are an excessive spender then get a job, otherwise its not really worth it until you actually start needing money, as unless you are disciplined (and i'm not really) you'll probably just waste it pointlessly.

Some excellent stuff posted there. Just a couple of things I'd like to add.


First, and it's probably the easier of the two, is that it's not the end of the world to do a job badly.
Sure, it's great to have the luxury of being able to do your job well, and personally I'll always try to.
But if you've not been properly trained, you're given really crap work, or the pay simply isn't good enough incentive to put the effort in, then by all means do a half-ashed job. And if you screw up once in a while, so what? You're human, you make mistakes. Your boss chose to employ a human, (s)he accepted that you will make mistakes.
And your next job application: You get to chose who to give as your references. Even in a terrible job, in a worst case scenario, you can always walk back and never look back. It may not feel good to do it, but if the scenario arrises it's probably more your employer's fault than it is yours. So screw 'em.

What am I saying? Whatever happens at your job, it's really not all that important. If you keep your priorities in line so you know when to jump ship (at least now, while you don't *need* to work), you don't have to be stuck in any job you don't want to have.

Oh, and don't get a paper round, they suck, and the morning in bed is worth far more than the money. Let you never know the horror of tiny letter boxes and huge sunday papers :^)


Secondly, and the one I've had most trouble with myself, is about confidence.
For a while I knew this girl (don't you hate it when stories start like that? :^) ). I didn't have the nuts to ask her out, partly for fear of rejection and partly because it'd blow the friendship we had. This went on for a long time. I don't even want to embaress myself by putting a number to it.
Eventually I got the courage up to speak to her about it. And I got knocked back, and our friendship hasn't been the same since (and she still has my favourite cd :^( ). Pretty much a worst case scenario.
But you know what? Despite it, I'm glad I did it. Finally I knew where I stood, and though it hurt, I got over it, moved on, saw other people.

Sometimes even a worst case scenario will be better than the position you keep yourself in by doing nothing.
It's taken a while for this lesson to sink in with me. But I'm getting there.
The next trick is to spot when your current situation really is worse than trying and failing.


Then there's the joy of trying and failing. If you have to take on your nerves just to try something, like speak to that stunning girl, sometimes even though you fail, the kick from having tried, having overcome your nerves, is a great feeling.


Summary:
Doesn't matter if a job (or many other things) go badly. You can just walk away.
Trying is liberating. Even if you fail, it can be better than not trying at all.

And when you feel your confidence waver, remember these words:
"You Sir, rule."
:^)

Right, whit aye.

Right... haircuts. I hated going to get my haircut but its only once a few weeks and if you care about it, you'll go get it cut. It's not expensive, I think mine is like a fiver at a pretty good place. So stop thinking about it, grab some cash and go get a haircut and it'll be over in a few minutes and you'll look sexy for all those hairy women in Berlin.

Berlin should be cool, try not to think about things as much, just go out and have fun with that. You'll hate yourself if its over and you felt as if you were holding back.

Cricket? Screw that. Don't want to do then don't. Simple

Gyms are a waste of money. Job? If you ain't over 16, don't bother. Poor, poor wage and it will just distract you. I only got a job when I was 17 for fook sake so don't think about that. Work experience reference is useless, forget about it. Mines got about one look and is now lost in a pile of paper somewhere.

Erm what else was there... confidence? I go in and out of being confident and sociable I guess. Recently at work and school my confidence has grown a lot more, just sorta happened one day I think you grow out of it, or ao it seems and what people have said. Wouldn't worry about it, teenage years are the worst.

Rejection? Bah... move on, get rejected again, move on.

Erm, yeah so shut up and enjoy Berlin, get a haircut, shove cricket, screw a job and ask out a hairy ex-Communist hairy Berliner

hohoho

Feels great though, you will only understand yourself more than any other.

Hehe, cheers guys. My parents are fantastic really, they just get frustrated with me sometimes, and I know why. {:)

I know stuff will improve, I just felt as though I needed to let all this out.

Humm...go on then Sam, I'll see what's happenin' tomorrow and maybe I'll head up to the barbers with ya...it's probably not as bad as I think. :D

pb wrote:
Many of the problems in life, especially family life, are due to lack of proper communication.

---

Yeah, I don't really communicate that much with my family.

I communicate enough, in my opinion, and I can still have a normal conversation with anyone in my family, but I probably just don't talk enough.

I never go out when they go to town or anything like that, and I never go to Edinburgh to visit the rest of my family that live there - I avoid contact mostly, and then they call me antisocial.

Still, anyway, in my opinion, I get along fine.