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After the recent success of the Squaresoft and Disney mutation game, entitled ‘Kingdom Hearts’, many have awaited a sequel/ prequel/ squirrel. The latter being the most preferred. However, an unlinked sequel to the original is well into production. You revisit all the past scenarios, and locations meeting the same colourful characters. The only difference is. Instead of cooperating with others, you kill them…
Classic Disney films have always been packed full with rivalries, good vs. evil classic tales, deceit, yet no violence, no killing, and no murder. In association with Walt Disney Corporation, and Eidos interactive, I am proud to announce…
‘Hitman Hearts: Disney Assassin’ – A game definitely designed for the more mature generation of gamers, who will remember the cult-classic Disney films such as ‘Bambi’ and will have no problem seeking revenge on the deer hunter, and dismantling him with revolutionary new technology.
Because of the ‘undetermined’ Eidos/ Disney buyout. You no longer wonder around with Final Fantasy’s ‘Sora’ you are in control of the hairless, suited man, known as ‘Agent 47’. His missions revolve around various Disney rivalries that have been portrayed in the classic films.
After Agent 47’s last outing, he received a very nice redundancy package, which he accepted, and spent on numerous haircuts. Whilst he sleeps on the streets, in front of some B-Class bar, his dreams torment him into a coma, where he shall live his new life, in Hitman Hearts.
During the first cut scene Agent 47 stares bewildered into the landscape, with no clothes, no money, no experience of his situation. Immediately he desperately searches for a barbers outlet, but stumbles across an oversized teddy bear ‘Winnie the pooh’. The puke coloured bear, questions the bald headed suit about his occupation. Pooh suddenly enquires the Agent whether he could participate in a little job…
The first mission sees the Agent searching for a young boy Winnie named ‘Christopher Robin’. You use your stealth tactics you learnt from previous Hitman games, to silently sneak past the bouncing tiger, and the dopey donkey. With silenced pistols equipped you approach the young boy, as he continues to throw sticks into the river. You craftily unload fifty odd bullets into the confused young lad, scampering like a dog, in search of Winnie. He shall pay you in ‘hearts’ the currency used in this land.
Other missions include;
·Being sent to nuke Abu, by Aladdin
After overhearing a conversation between the genie and Aladdin, Agent 47 has to discover Abu, before the genie does, in order to reap the rewards Aladdin promises. The easiest way to do this is scatter through the jungle bewilderment and plant land mines near abus favourite places, the banana tree/ his little monkey house/ playboy mansion.
·To pick off several members of the seven dwarves and bury them in small coffins near Disney land
Snow White, is tired of the seven perves, and orders you to murder them in as many ways as possible. You start this mission with only cotton wool, a plastic sheet, and several brands of disinfectant. You arrive at the cottage to realise you have trampled all over them and killed them instantaneously.
·To spike the spinning wheel, to make Sleeping Beauty a drugged up beastie
Peter 'The perve' Pan wishes to romp the beautiful princess, and is left with only one option, after she called him an elf boy, drug her, and take advantage. As Agent 47 you have to find the easiest way into the castle, and lubricate the needle with calpol. You then have to escape without the princess seeing you lubricating the needle.
·Perform an operation on goofy, which will involve Agent 47 to strangle him to death
After a recent car accident Goofy finds himself tucked neatly into a hospital bed. You have to infiltrate the N.H.S service, which consists of telling them that you work there, despite wearing no clothes, and holing a shotgun. You have to discover Goofy in the A and E ward, and basically, strangle his damn eyes out...
·And to plant a bomb in Never never land, and record the explosion on a camcorder.
With camcorder equipped you find yourself transported to this twisted place, and you find the lost boys wondering about aimlessly. You have to imitate Peter Pan, using a series of pulleys and strings. You then tell the boys to dig a hole, in which you shall plant the bomb. Then you run, like a monkey, and record the pursuing events...
·Rumours of a feud between Mickey Mouse and Tarzan remain discontinued
Disney would not spill the beans upon this rumour between the world famous mouse and the monkey man. However fanatics still believe there will be some sort of rivalry between the two.
·More missions are to be added…
The game contains both elements from the stealth and role-playing genre; you have to avenge characters adversaries without being discovered by the patrolling, to collect enough hearts to visit the barbers, and have the stubble/ ponytail (depending on how long it takes you to gather the correct amount of hearts) Agent 47 will then awake from his coma. Back to his real life.
Sceptics have already destroyed this game, but I (being the sort who enjoys murdering children’s favourites, in many different styles, using a range of different techniques) believe this game will prevail over its predecessors (both Kingdom Hearts and the Hitman series).
‘Hitman Hearts: Disney assassin’ will be available in moist good retailers in the summer of 2004. If you can’t wait that long – I suggest stop being so ignorant and let the game be released when it wants, you baboon. YOU INCOMPETENT BABOOON!
*Ahem*, Sorry…
Roll on summer ‘04
Cheers
Classic Disney films have always been packed full with rivalries, good vs. evil classic tales, deceit, yet no violence, no killing, and no murder. In association with Walt Disney Corporation, and Eidos interactive, I am proud to announce…
‘Hitman Hearts: Disney Assassin’ – A game definitely designed for the more mature generation of gamers, who will remember the cult-classic Disney films such as ‘Bambi’ and will have no problem seeking revenge on the deer hunter, and dismantling him with revolutionary new technology.
Because of the ‘undetermined’ Eidos/ Disney buyout. You no longer wonder around with Final Fantasy’s ‘Sora’ you are in control of the hairless, suited man, known as ‘Agent 47’. His missions revolve around various Disney rivalries that have been portrayed in the classic films.
After Agent 47’s last outing, he received a very nice redundancy package, which he accepted, and spent on numerous haircuts. Whilst he sleeps on the streets, in front of some B-Class bar, his dreams torment him into a coma, where he shall live his new life, in Hitman Hearts.
During the first cut scene Agent 47 stares bewildered into the landscape, with no clothes, no money, no experience of his situation. Immediately he desperately searches for a barbers outlet, but stumbles across an oversized teddy bear ‘Winnie the pooh’. The puke coloured bear, questions the bald headed suit about his occupation. Pooh suddenly enquires the Agent whether he could participate in a little job…
The first mission sees the Agent searching for a young boy Winnie named ‘Christopher Robin’. You use your stealth tactics you learnt from previous Hitman games, to silently sneak past the bouncing tiger, and the dopey donkey. With silenced pistols equipped you approach the young boy, as he continues to throw sticks into the river. You craftily unload fifty odd bullets into the confused young lad, scampering like a dog, in search of Winnie. He shall pay you in ‘hearts’ the currency used in this land.
Other missions include;
·Being sent to nuke Abu, by Aladdin
After overhearing a conversation between the genie and Aladdin, Agent 47 has to discover Abu, before the genie does, in order to reap the rewards Aladdin promises. The easiest way to do this is scatter through the jungle bewilderment and plant land mines near abus favourite places, the banana tree/ his little monkey house/ playboy mansion.
·To pick off several members of the seven dwarves and bury them in small coffins near Disney land
Snow White, is tired of the seven perves, and orders you to murder them in as many ways as possible. You start this mission with only cotton wool, a plastic sheet, and several brands of disinfectant. You arrive at the cottage to realise you have trampled all over them and killed them instantaneously.
·To spike the spinning wheel, to make Sleeping Beauty a drugged up beastie
Peter 'The perve' Pan wishes to romp the beautiful princess, and is left with only one option, after she called him an elf boy, drug her, and take advantage. As Agent 47 you have to find the easiest way into the castle, and lubricate the needle with calpol. You then have to escape without the princess seeing you lubricating the needle.
·Perform an operation on goofy, which will involve Agent 47 to strangle him to death
After a recent car accident Goofy finds himself tucked neatly into a hospital bed. You have to infiltrate the N.H.S service, which consists of telling them that you work there, despite wearing no clothes, and holing a shotgun. You have to discover Goofy in the A and E ward, and basically, strangle his damn eyes out...
·And to plant a bomb in Never never land, and record the explosion on a camcorder.
With camcorder equipped you find yourself transported to this twisted place, and you find the lost boys wondering about aimlessly. You have to imitate Peter Pan, using a series of pulleys and strings. You then tell the boys to dig a hole, in which you shall plant the bomb. Then you run, like a monkey, and record the pursuing events...
·Rumours of a feud between Mickey Mouse and Tarzan remain discontinued
Disney would not spill the beans upon this rumour between the world famous mouse and the monkey man. However fanatics still believe there will be some sort of rivalry between the two.
·More missions are to be added…
The game contains both elements from the stealth and role-playing genre; you have to avenge characters adversaries without being discovered by the patrolling, to collect enough hearts to visit the barbers, and have the stubble/ ponytail (depending on how long it takes you to gather the correct amount of hearts) Agent 47 will then awake from his coma. Back to his real life.
Sceptics have already destroyed this game, but I (being the sort who enjoys murdering children’s favourites, in many different styles, using a range of different techniques) believe this game will prevail over its predecessors (both Kingdom Hearts and the Hitman series).
‘Hitman Hearts: Disney assassin’ will be available in moist good retailers in the summer of 2004. If you can’t wait that long – I suggest stop being so ignorant and let the game be released when it wants, you baboon. YOU INCOMPETENT BABOOON!
*Ahem*, Sorry…
Roll on summer ‘04
Cheers
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You mean Veets?
Is SR towers full of Imac's then?
It's just crap.
Haha, you're using an iMac.
If you pull a face at it, does it pull the face too like in the ad? Or is it just crap?
If you pull a face at it, does it pull the face too like in the ad? Or is it just crap?
Don't worry, it will be there by Friday :D
If it's not arrived by Friday, I'll be miffed, and delete every third post of yours I come across.
Please allow 2 - 3 days delivery...
Mwahahahahahaha. I can go on another mildly bruising rampage.
Just think what you can do to the iMac when the tube comes though.
Yay, you rule :D
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