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I smoked five cigarettes tonight.
And each one I smoked, right until the last, I looked up to heaven, and I said "Just tonight, I promise, just tonight."
And I said it four times before I did what I had to do.
I lit the cigarette, and I pushed it into my arm. And now there's a beautifully circular bruise rising from my skin.
And why did I do that? Maybe because I find it difficult to stop myself until I scar myself. Or maybe because I wanted to feel how much damaged I was doing to myself.
Or maybe I was slapping myself. Maybe the good spirit of my grandfather came down and slapped my face to tell me what the hell I was doing.
But I did it, all the same. Because if there's something I hate, it's the fact that I'm reliant.
And it happens all the time. And it happens over and over again. I was reliant on my mother, my father. I was reliant on my friends, I was reliant on my lover, my girlfriend, my fiancee. And it all went to hell because I couldn't find inner-strength.
So tonight, as I watched myself once again fall into the trap of finding something else to be reliant on, I pushed the cigarette into my arm until I watched my hair catch alight and my skin melt around the burn.
Was that enough? No.
In fact, I set fire to my hand. I watched my hand toast, so it would be a constant reminder not that I'm weak, not that I'm pathetic and needy, but because I will NOT take this anymore.
That I will not be beaten down by the voice in my head.
And it's there, good christ it's there. Don't think for a second that I'm not insane.
But I'm going to fight it. Because I've seen how beautiful this world is, and it's a world worth fighting for.
And just like someone trying to give up cigarretes, this is going to be hard.
Because otherwise I'll just find something else I'll rely on, and I'll move in circles.
But I cannot. Not this time. For I am strong. I AM strong. This is my world, and these are my rules.
And don't think for a second that I'm not drunk out of my head.
But still, that's not the point.
The fact is I'm completely mashed, and I can write like this. I can force myself to write as well as I bloody well can. I can make myself strong, and I have inner strength.
And sure you knew that all along, I wish you'd have helped me realise that.
But that's not your fault. Don't think it is.
I've got a fantastic life to live. I think it's about time I realised that.
Love you all my flowery friends. Night night.
And each one I smoked, right until the last, I looked up to heaven, and I said "Just tonight, I promise, just tonight."
And I said it four times before I did what I had to do.
I lit the cigarette, and I pushed it into my arm. And now there's a beautifully circular bruise rising from my skin.
And why did I do that? Maybe because I find it difficult to stop myself until I scar myself. Or maybe because I wanted to feel how much damaged I was doing to myself.
Or maybe I was slapping myself. Maybe the good spirit of my grandfather came down and slapped my face to tell me what the hell I was doing.
But I did it, all the same. Because if there's something I hate, it's the fact that I'm reliant.
And it happens all the time. And it happens over and over again. I was reliant on my mother, my father. I was reliant on my friends, I was reliant on my lover, my girlfriend, my fiancee. And it all went to hell because I couldn't find inner-strength.
So tonight, as I watched myself once again fall into the trap of finding something else to be reliant on, I pushed the cigarette into my arm until I watched my hair catch alight and my skin melt around the burn.
Was that enough? No.
In fact, I set fire to my hand. I watched my hand toast, so it would be a constant reminder not that I'm weak, not that I'm pathetic and needy, but because I will NOT take this anymore.
That I will not be beaten down by the voice in my head.
And it's there, good christ it's there. Don't think for a second that I'm not insane.
But I'm going to fight it. Because I've seen how beautiful this world is, and it's a world worth fighting for.
And just like someone trying to give up cigarretes, this is going to be hard.
Because otherwise I'll just find something else I'll rely on, and I'll move in circles.
But I cannot. Not this time. For I am strong. I AM strong. This is my world, and these are my rules.
And don't think for a second that I'm not drunk out of my head.
But still, that's not the point.
The fact is I'm completely mashed, and I can write like this. I can force myself to write as well as I bloody well can. I can make myself strong, and I have inner strength.
And sure you knew that all along, I wish you'd have helped me realise that.
But that's not your fault. Don't think it is.
I've got a fantastic life to live. I think it's about time I realised that.
Love you all my flowery friends. Night night.
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Grix Thraves wrote:
> The fact is I'm completely mashed
Do you mean physically mashed? Like you were crumpled up in a helpless heap? Or in the mental sense, when you've had a bit of wacky tobaccy?
The latter is one I am very familiar with, used to be a religious event in my life, used to get mashed daily. They were the good days, but then I saw the light, so I packed up smoking all together, it was when I realised that smoking hasheysh and lugging bongs everyday wasn't the best thing for my lungs. So, just like that I stopped, I was quite impressed personally. It took a little while in solitary confinement to sort it, nevertheless it worked.
*Flys back up to the moon without the aid of modern technology for some star shaped space cakes and herbal tea*
> The fact is I'm completely mashed
Do you mean physically mashed? Like you were crumpled up in a helpless heap? Or in the mental sense, when you've had a bit of wacky tobaccy?
The latter is one I am very familiar with, used to be a religious event in my life, used to get mashed daily. They were the good days, but then I saw the light, so I packed up smoking all together, it was when I realised that smoking hasheysh and lugging bongs everyday wasn't the best thing for my lungs. So, just like that I stopped, I was quite impressed personally. It took a little while in solitary confinement to sort it, nevertheless it worked.
*Flys back up to the moon without the aid of modern technology for some star shaped space cakes and herbal tea*
Hi guys.
Darren was talking about this last night... he was very, very drunk. I love you Darren!
Darren was talking about this last night... he was very, very drunk. I love you Darren!
The truth comes out when you are wasted, I have written/said some of my most meaningful things when I was drunk off my . Nice!
SHEEPY wrote:
> Don't self-harm you willy
My thoughts exactly
> Don't self-harm you willy
My thoughts exactly
Starlight wrote:
> You don't half write some crap sometimes
I hope you weren't talking to Grix. :D
Kinda inspirational...maybe I would relate to it more if I smoked. {:)
> You don't half write some crap sometimes
I hope you weren't talking to Grix. :D
Kinda inspirational...maybe I would relate to it more if I smoked. {:)
I do stupid things like that sometimes. For numerous reasons. Often just to see if I can, or for how long I can take it.
You don't half write some crap sometimes
I think I've self harmed my Willy.
That's why I'm cutting down.
That's why I'm cutting down.
SHEEPY wrote:
> And whatever you do, don't self harm youR willy
Unless you've got a fetish for that kind of thing...
> And whatever you do, don't self harm youR willy
Unless you've got a fetish for that kind of thing...
SHEEPY wrote:
> And whatever you do, don't self harm youR willy
>
> Ouch
:-D
> And whatever you do, don't self harm youR willy
>
> Ouch
:-D
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