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"Swimming"

Hmmm swimming. Now I can swim. Honestly, I can.
I just choose not to. I don’t mind the actual swimming part, it’s just I simply don’t enjoy certain aspects that swimming involves.
I’m not saying that these things should stop you from swimming. In fact if you ever find yourself in really deep water with no means of flotation, I would say that swimming is definitely an option worth considering.

Now my best friend loves to swim. I actually taught him, and having been a late starter in the world of aquatic events he spent a large amount of the summer in the local school pool honing his fishy skills. Which is great for him, but here are just a few of the reasons that made me decide to stay on the dry side of the pool wall:

Number one: Lifeguards apparently have some new type of special CIA glasses they can wear to see when people are relieving themselves in the pool. Not that I would ever consider doing such a thing (ever…ahem), but with all that cold water…accidents can and do happen. And what if the guy right next to you gets caught? I personally really think ignorance is bliss in cases like that.

Number two: I am quite possibly one of the world’s palest men. Look up “pasty” in the dictionary, and you will see my picture. And this is referring to the parts of my person that I expose to sunlight whenever I am giving the chance, I just don’t tan. The various other parts, many clearly visible when wearing swimming trunks (I’m thinking “knees” here), go well beyond “pale”, nobody wants to see that and nobody should have to look at that.

Number three: Really “big-boned” women who like to wear cute little bathing suits that looked great on the size eight model in the “Choice” catalog. It’s not just the women, equally, big-boned men who have discovered the joys of the skimpy Speedo. I’m not saying large people shouldn’t get to go swimming, just that they should be a little more considerate of others when picking out their swimming attire.

Number four: Swimming often requires that you get wet which isn’t the bad part. I bathe regularly which involves getting wet, but at least I can get my bath water nice and hot. Heated pool water is kept at just above freezing, the only reason for this that I can come up with is so that the dirty man (you know the one, he sits by the side and is there every time you go) can leer at the nipples that poke through every swimming costume.

Number five: I can sum this reason up in one word, verruca’s. People who haven’t dreamt of going swimming for the last 10 years, but as soon as they get a little foot fungus they decide it would be an excellent idea to share it with as many people as they can. The people who swim regularly that catch this decide not to stop swimming but just to put on a non-waterproof plaster and believe that all will be fine. If you have ever surfaced whilst taking a deep breath and thought you swallowed a large fly, just look around the indoor poolroom and see how many fly’s there are.

Number six: The dunkers. These are the jokers who think it is really funny to come up behind you and push your head under the water. Normally, this would be considered attempted murder, but in a swimming pool it’s just good clean fun. There are also the closely related pranksters, who truly believe that the highest form of humour is to swim up to someone and pull their pants down or even worse, off. Normally, I would agree, but being naked in before mentioned really cold water can do serious permanent damage to a bloke’s self-esteem, if you catch my drift.

I could go on with even more reasons, but I’ve got more important things to worry about. One of the fish in my aquarium is acting suspicious, now where did I put those special CIA glasses…

Thanks for reading :)

Cheers Black Glove :)

Witty. :)
I leant to swim when someone pushed me in at the deep end. Thought I was going to die. My will-to-live triumphed in the end after much splashing and flapping and semi-drowning.

:-D

Little Hobbo wrote:
> English_Bloke wrote:
> Little Hobbo wrote:
> Me? A Brit? How dare you sir!!
>
> Ok, sorry where are you from?
>
> Oh. Britain of course. :-D I couldn't resist.

A curse aboth your house :)

English_Bloke wrote:
> Little Hobbo wrote:
> Me? A Brit? How dare you sir!!
>
> Ok, sorry where are you from?

Oh. Britain of course. :-D I couldn't resist.

I remember when I was at school, we were due to go swimming but I'd left my trunks at home so I was excused.

While I was sitting in the spectator's area, I took my king size Marathon (that what they were called at the time. Snickers for those of you who have no conception of what I'm on about) from my pocket and it had melted to the extent it was a congealed mass of chocolate. Then, after a triple dare from my friend, i hurled it into the pool when no-one was watching.

Cue the frenzied attempts by everyone throwing themselves out of the pool in a manic desire to get away from the feces that was floating in the pool. The lifeguards had to fish out the offending object with a net!

They never once suspected it was me.

HA HAH HA! Just recollecting the horrified looks of revulsion on their miens was enough laughter for the rest of the week.

I suppose it give new meaning to the phrase "dropping the kids off at the pool!"

Little Hobbo wrote:
> Me? A Brit? How dare you sir!!

Ok, sorry where are you from?

English_Bloke wrote:
> Cheers Little Hobbo, I thought it should appeal to sarcastic cynical
> Britts, Such as myself.

Me? A Brit? How dare you sir!!

Cheers Little Hobbo, I thought it should appeal to sarcastic cynical Britts, Such as myself.

number seven : People who swim in lanes too slowly, and stop other swimmers from passing them without getting a foot sandwich.

number eight : People who swim in lanes too quickly, and swim just of the edge of your hip, getting arsey because you don't glide through the wet stuff like a trained seal.