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It has been hinted at many times recently, but now it’s official…Great Britain is now turning its back on Europe and is officially going to be a part of America.
The surprise declaration came after Britain’s relationship with the burger-loving nation had become so strong that George W Bush decided that Britain’s loyalty should be rewarded.
Following the very close diplomatic ties between the two countries in the ill-fated ‘War on Terrorism’ and ‘The Gulf War 2: This Time it’s Personal’, many months of top secret negotiations ensued, and the point was brought before congress, and discussed between top-level government officials for many hours in the confines of the White House. A couple of minor British politicians were also consulted so as to make it appear that America didn’t have 100% influence on the matter, but they weren’t very important in the process.
The shock change has left the majority of British citizens in uproar, and leader of the opposition, Iain Duncan Smith, called the whole thing a despicable act of American greed and supremacy, and gave an incredibly boring statement about Blair being a loyal poodle, but America’s number one friend Tony Blair insisted that it was his decision to join the US, and wasn’t told what to do by any American officials. He later added that the merger would greatly benefit the UK with industry, especially in the fast-food sector. The government also knew that every American loved to buy tacky British merchandise, so they could flog countless naff items and make billions for the treasury.
In a speech to Congress, George W. Bush said, “In our moment of great need on our various war projects, we looked around for our allies, and only found Great Britain holding our hand, so we felt their loyalty should be rewarded. We’ll save them from those crumby European wimps by letting them join up with us to rule the galaxy at our side. We love those crazy little Brits; they have those funny accents, a dysfunctional royal family kinda like a more sophisticated version of The Osbournes, they always wear bowler hats, drink tea from china cups and have a strange sense of humour.
We may be devoid of great culture and long history, but heck, if we get Great Britain to be part of us, we’ll inherit their rich culture.”
Seeing as British culture seems to be slowly being replaced by American culture nowadays anyway (the music in the charts, most of the big movies, fashion, television, fast food outlets etc are all very Americanised) it is insisted that any changes to everyday life will be minimal at the beginning. Here is a preliminary idea of the proposed changes:
* The British Pound will be replaced by the British Dollar, much to the annoyance of the ‘Keep The Pound’ enthusiasts.
* Toilets are to be re-named “The John”.
* People called Colin will pronounce their name “co-lin” like Colin Powell.
* Trousers will be called pants.
* Jam will be called jelly and jelly will be called jello.
* Colour is to be spelt color and centre will be spelt center.
* Health foods will be doused in grease and deep-fried to keep the fat quota up.
* All cinema, dvd and video game releases will remain the same, with the frustrating lengthy delay between the US and us :(
* Many towns/counties will be renamed. Like America’s New England, New Jersey, New Hampshire and New York, we’ll have New Essex, New Leighton Buzzard, New Southend and New Bognor.
It is also believed that sporting life in The 51st State will change gradually over the years.
Our number one sport of football will be renamed ‘soccer’, but the rules will also slowly change over time; more players will be on each team with players specialising in either Offence, Defence and Special Teams, players will wear helmets and lots of padding, you carry the ball and instead of getting it in a goal you must run it into the end-zone and dance like a fool and push all your team-mates, your kicker can then attempt the point after. Instead of having two halves, the game will be four quarters, and the length of the average game will be about 6-hours due to time-outs and TV commercials. Football will turn from soccer into American football.
The gentleman’s game of Cricket, with all its history of British reserve and leather upon willow loveliness will also undergo several changes; instead of using a cricket bat, players will use a baseball bat, with bowlers “pitching” instead of bowling, and home runs will be scored instead of sixes.
It is also hoped that the flagging British Film industry will receive a much needed financial boost from US studios, so more and more lavish period dramas, but with a more American feel, can be made, more gritty comedies about jobless miners in the 1980’s, but this time set in American mining towns, and Guy Ritchie can finally get around to creating his epic gangster film about mockney immigrants in the mean streets of New York.
The factor that people will be most interested in will be the physical movement of the British Isles. The University of California is conducting complicated research into “artificial tectonic plate movement and mass land shifting”, with the hope that the whole of Britain will be moved across the Atlantic Ocean on giant rails and join up with the east coast of America some time in the future, enabling us to be with our new brethren. Chief researcher on the project Newt Boogermeister said, “There’s a strong chance our research will be a success, and that Britain can be moved across the ocean like a giant surfboard. Gnarly dude.”
The name of the new 51st State has yet to be finalised, but ‘The United Kingdom of America’ seems to be the preferred title according to the American administration, though people in the UK have yet to be consulted about the title of their once great nation.
It is believed that ordinary citizens will go on protest marches, and fading celebrities will sign petitions in national newspapers and speak out about the changes to improve their celebrity image, but none of it will make any difference as George W. Bush has made up his mind.
The surprise declaration came after Britain’s relationship with the burger-loving nation had become so strong that George W Bush decided that Britain’s loyalty should be rewarded.
Following the very close diplomatic ties between the two countries in the ill-fated ‘War on Terrorism’ and ‘The Gulf War 2: This Time it’s Personal’, many months of top secret negotiations ensued, and the point was brought before congress, and discussed between top-level government officials for many hours in the confines of the White House. A couple of minor British politicians were also consulted so as to make it appear that America didn’t have 100% influence on the matter, but they weren’t very important in the process.
The shock change has left the majority of British citizens in uproar, and leader of the opposition, Iain Duncan Smith, called the whole thing a despicable act of American greed and supremacy, and gave an incredibly boring statement about Blair being a loyal poodle, but America’s number one friend Tony Blair insisted that it was his decision to join the US, and wasn’t told what to do by any American officials. He later added that the merger would greatly benefit the UK with industry, especially in the fast-food sector. The government also knew that every American loved to buy tacky British merchandise, so they could flog countless naff items and make billions for the treasury.
In a speech to Congress, George W. Bush said, “In our moment of great need on our various war projects, we looked around for our allies, and only found Great Britain holding our hand, so we felt their loyalty should be rewarded. We’ll save them from those crumby European wimps by letting them join up with us to rule the galaxy at our side. We love those crazy little Brits; they have those funny accents, a dysfunctional royal family kinda like a more sophisticated version of The Osbournes, they always wear bowler hats, drink tea from china cups and have a strange sense of humour.
We may be devoid of great culture and long history, but heck, if we get Great Britain to be part of us, we’ll inherit their rich culture.”
Seeing as British culture seems to be slowly being replaced by American culture nowadays anyway (the music in the charts, most of the big movies, fashion, television, fast food outlets etc are all very Americanised) it is insisted that any changes to everyday life will be minimal at the beginning. Here is a preliminary idea of the proposed changes:
* The British Pound will be replaced by the British Dollar, much to the annoyance of the ‘Keep The Pound’ enthusiasts.
* Toilets are to be re-named “The John”.
* People called Colin will pronounce their name “co-lin” like Colin Powell.
* Trousers will be called pants.
* Jam will be called jelly and jelly will be called jello.
* Colour is to be spelt color and centre will be spelt center.
* Health foods will be doused in grease and deep-fried to keep the fat quota up.
* All cinema, dvd and video game releases will remain the same, with the frustrating lengthy delay between the US and us :(
* Many towns/counties will be renamed. Like America’s New England, New Jersey, New Hampshire and New York, we’ll have New Essex, New Leighton Buzzard, New Southend and New Bognor.
It is also believed that sporting life in The 51st State will change gradually over the years.
Our number one sport of football will be renamed ‘soccer’, but the rules will also slowly change over time; more players will be on each team with players specialising in either Offence, Defence and Special Teams, players will wear helmets and lots of padding, you carry the ball and instead of getting it in a goal you must run it into the end-zone and dance like a fool and push all your team-mates, your kicker can then attempt the point after. Instead of having two halves, the game will be four quarters, and the length of the average game will be about 6-hours due to time-outs and TV commercials. Football will turn from soccer into American football.
The gentleman’s game of Cricket, with all its history of British reserve and leather upon willow loveliness will also undergo several changes; instead of using a cricket bat, players will use a baseball bat, with bowlers “pitching” instead of bowling, and home runs will be scored instead of sixes.
It is also hoped that the flagging British Film industry will receive a much needed financial boost from US studios, so more and more lavish period dramas, but with a more American feel, can be made, more gritty comedies about jobless miners in the 1980’s, but this time set in American mining towns, and Guy Ritchie can finally get around to creating his epic gangster film about mockney immigrants in the mean streets of New York.
The factor that people will be most interested in will be the physical movement of the British Isles. The University of California is conducting complicated research into “artificial tectonic plate movement and mass land shifting”, with the hope that the whole of Britain will be moved across the Atlantic Ocean on giant rails and join up with the east coast of America some time in the future, enabling us to be with our new brethren. Chief researcher on the project Newt Boogermeister said, “There’s a strong chance our research will be a success, and that Britain can be moved across the ocean like a giant surfboard. Gnarly dude.”
The name of the new 51st State has yet to be finalised, but ‘The United Kingdom of America’ seems to be the preferred title according to the American administration, though people in the UK have yet to be consulted about the title of their once great nation.
It is believed that ordinary citizens will go on protest marches, and fading celebrities will sign petitions in national newspapers and speak out about the changes to improve their celebrity image, but none of it will make any difference as George W. Bush has made up his mind.
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And route (pronounced root) will be changed to route (pronounced rowt).
And all periodic tables will be changed from 'sulphur' to 'sulfur' because Americans simply can't handle the whole 'ph' thing.
And we're to call ourselves 'mirrcin', not 'American'. That's how you say it.
And all periodic tables will be changed from 'sulphur' to 'sulfur' because Americans simply can't handle the whole 'ph' thing.
And we're to call ourselves 'mirrcin', not 'American'. That's how you say it.
All the streotypes in this whole thread haven't applied to me and I see myself as an 100% American. I'm not fat, I don't like burgers, I'm not a surfer dude, and I dont say any words related to gnarly. Stereotypes are just something that make people feel better about themselves and people use them as jokes, but if you actaully start to believe some of them arrogence and ignorence come into play. Lalakersrule has some pretty great things pointed out here and so does Toroto this has been talked about here alot on Life chat, but there is still no denying that streotypes DO exist.
By the way. Pretty good post Toroto.
By the way. Pretty good post Toroto.
Totoro wrote:
> Americans love burgers, so?
Never eating one since I was 14.:-P
> Americans love burgers, so?
Never eating one since I was 14.:-P
Totoro wrote:
> I don't hate Americans, heck Chevy Chase is cool.
Very true, well from what i can remember of him anyway. I think he was in one of the National Lampoon's but not sure
> I don't hate Americans, heck Chevy Chase is cool.
Very true, well from what i can remember of him anyway. I think he was in one of the National Lampoon's but not sure
I guess all the anti-American stuff just shows people's unhappiness at the current US-Iraq wranglings, so they're bound to make a few silly posts every now and again about Americans.
I don't hate Americans, heck Chevy Chase is cool.
I don't hate Americans, heck Chevy Chase is cool.
I accept fully there's stereotypes but that's not my point. My point is how come there's all these posts with all the American stereotypes yet there's no others about any other nation? When it first started it was a nice little joke however after the 100th post of *americans are fat and stupid* or *George Bush is a stupid, oil hungry, texan monkey* it starts to wear a bit thin and gets annoying.
Every country is seen with many a common stereotype. The US has the burger-loving, compensation culture, surfer dude, inbreeding rednecks type stereotypes, the British are seen in many American movies as snooty upper class toffs or cockneys, the French all smell of garlic, Japanese are all seen as camera-loving tourists, all Middle Eastern people are seen as terrorists etc.
Just accept that there are stereotypes, whether we like them or not.
Just accept that there are stereotypes, whether we like them or not.
That weakens your case by a long way.....
born and raised in Wolverhampton, moved to Italy, back here now before i move over to Canada in August
Are you American by any chance?
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