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Following in the wake of recent celebrity scandals in which Pete Townshend, Matthew Kelly and the guy who plays Ed Rooney from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off were accused of all kinds of illicit activities, dragged out into the street and had a “P” printed on their foreheads, literary confection merchant and Oompa Loompa slave driver Willy Wonka is the next name to be dragged through the mud and attacked by the nations seedy tabloid newspapers.
In America, where trailer trash hicks solve their family problems on TV in front of Jerry Springer, an audience of overly belligerent fat people and a nation of burger brains, and where compensation culture reigns supreme, Mindy Redneckowski is beginning legal action against Mr. Wonka for what she claims as “years of harrowing abuse, emotional trauma and general torment.”
Miss Redneckowski’s troubles began when she was a small girl reading the Willy Wonka children’s novel, as she recalls, “ever since I read that horrible book about that disgusting fiend and his fun house I’ve had terrible recurring nightmares of Willy Wonka, his awful chocolate factory and the torrent of abuse he subjects his Oompa Loompa slaves to.”
She later added, “I’ve also had a petrifying phobia of chocolate ever since, so as an American, I’m sure you will understand that me not being able to eat fattening chocolate is absolute hell to have to live with.”
Miss Redneckowski’s lawyer, Frank Putz, read out a statement claiming, “this vile pest (Mr. Wonka) lures children into his chocolate factory, which doubles as his seedy lair of debauchery, with the fantastical promise of a lifetime supply of chocolate and eternal happiness. He then subjects his victims to a number of different methods of torture, including being trapped in a pipe then turned into fudge, being turned into a hideous giant blueberry, falling into a golden egg boiler, and being miniaturised. My client has been so emotionally traumatised by these harrowing fictitious experiences that she’s been damaged ever since. Mr. Wonka and his freaky fun house is the cause of all this anguish, so must therefore be brandished a child abusing villain and sued.”
He later questioned and insinuated that the highly suggestive ‘Ever-Lasting Gob Stoppers’, ‘Lickable Wallpaper’ and ‘Fizzy Lifting Drink’ were rather undesirable things not harmless sweet treats as it’s commonly believed, and also reiterated Miss Redneckowski’s observations that Willy Wonka dresses like a seventies pimp with his purple get-up and top hat, plus owns a purple pimp-mobile which he calls his ‘Wonka Wagon’.
Despite being an imaginary character, Mr. Wonka somehow managed to vigorously deny all the preposterous child abusing allegations, claiming that any children who went into his factory were never harmed and eventually came out better human beings having learnt important moral lessons about human behaviour and moral principles about greed and watching too much television.
The scandal will no doubt shock loyal supporters of the fictitious chocolate maker, but his most devoted fans have vowed to stick by him. Robert Wonka, who changed his name via deed poll in honour of his idol, said, “Willy Wonka is an innocent man. It seems that nowadays, anybody can go around accusing people of all kinds of heinous crimes, even when the accused isn’t even real!”
This full shocking story will be splashed over the front pages of every newspaper and dragged out over the coming weeks, even taking precedence over the much more important stories such as the impending war, decrepit state of the nation’s public transport systems, fire-fighters strikes, terrible weather conditions and even the state of Zoe Ball & Fat Boy Slim’s marriage.
In America, where trailer trash hicks solve their family problems on TV in front of Jerry Springer, an audience of overly belligerent fat people and a nation of burger brains, and where compensation culture reigns supreme, Mindy Redneckowski is beginning legal action against Mr. Wonka for what she claims as “years of harrowing abuse, emotional trauma and general torment.”
Miss Redneckowski’s troubles began when she was a small girl reading the Willy Wonka children’s novel, as she recalls, “ever since I read that horrible book about that disgusting fiend and his fun house I’ve had terrible recurring nightmares of Willy Wonka, his awful chocolate factory and the torrent of abuse he subjects his Oompa Loompa slaves to.”
She later added, “I’ve also had a petrifying phobia of chocolate ever since, so as an American, I’m sure you will understand that me not being able to eat fattening chocolate is absolute hell to have to live with.”
Miss Redneckowski’s lawyer, Frank Putz, read out a statement claiming, “this vile pest (Mr. Wonka) lures children into his chocolate factory, which doubles as his seedy lair of debauchery, with the fantastical promise of a lifetime supply of chocolate and eternal happiness. He then subjects his victims to a number of different methods of torture, including being trapped in a pipe then turned into fudge, being turned into a hideous giant blueberry, falling into a golden egg boiler, and being miniaturised. My client has been so emotionally traumatised by these harrowing fictitious experiences that she’s been damaged ever since. Mr. Wonka and his freaky fun house is the cause of all this anguish, so must therefore be brandished a child abusing villain and sued.”
He later questioned and insinuated that the highly suggestive ‘Ever-Lasting Gob Stoppers’, ‘Lickable Wallpaper’ and ‘Fizzy Lifting Drink’ were rather undesirable things not harmless sweet treats as it’s commonly believed, and also reiterated Miss Redneckowski’s observations that Willy Wonka dresses like a seventies pimp with his purple get-up and top hat, plus owns a purple pimp-mobile which he calls his ‘Wonka Wagon’.
Despite being an imaginary character, Mr. Wonka somehow managed to vigorously deny all the preposterous child abusing allegations, claiming that any children who went into his factory were never harmed and eventually came out better human beings having learnt important moral lessons about human behaviour and moral principles about greed and watching too much television.
The scandal will no doubt shock loyal supporters of the fictitious chocolate maker, but his most devoted fans have vowed to stick by him. Robert Wonka, who changed his name via deed poll in honour of his idol, said, “Willy Wonka is an innocent man. It seems that nowadays, anybody can go around accusing people of all kinds of heinous crimes, even when the accused isn’t even real!”
This full shocking story will be splashed over the front pages of every newspaper and dragged out over the coming weeks, even taking precedence over the much more important stories such as the impending war, decrepit state of the nation’s public transport systems, fire-fighters strikes, terrible weather conditions and even the state of Zoe Ball & Fat Boy Slim’s marriage.
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Is it possible for everyone who posts in a topic to win GAD?
I think it should be given to this topic, and another GAD given to everyone who posted in it.
Maybe.
I think it should be given to this topic, and another GAD given to everyone who posted in it.
Maybe.
Slimeballs...defacing the name of a legend...
I'm here today to put it to you, the good people of the jury, that my client, Mr. William Wonka, is as innocent as the day is long.
Let me begin my saying, m'lud, that Mr. William Wonka has a proven track record of producing the finest quality confectionary delights for years on end, such as the 'Ever-lasting Gobstopper', the 'Fizzy Lifting Drinks' and many other wonders for children (and adults) across the globe.
Mr. Wonka is one of a sadly dying breed, m'lud. He has sacrificed himself, his friends, and his family for the happiness of millions upon millions of people worldwide. He has worked tirelessly for over 50 years on producing and manufacturing sweets good enough for kings to eat, as proven by the building of a certain chocolate palace, but we shan't go into that.
While we live our lives everyday, we meet our friends, we eat, we drink, we have ourselves a little bit of what some have been known to refer to as 'fun'. But my client, Mr. Wonka, toils away every moment of the day he can. He is rumoured to have once worked for 138 hours straight, before erecting a diving board over his chocolate pool, and diving in with a notable perfect 3 and a half somersault in pike. I cannot bring myself to believe that this man, who has worked so selflessly for so very long, would be brought to commit such heinous acts.
Members of the jury, would you now please look at what I have labelled 'Exhibit 7'. You will find that it shows an illustration of the illustrious Mr. William Wonka, drawn by Quentin Blake, giving the poor people of Calcutta free chocolate by the truck load. Now, members of the jury, I would question as to why any man would visit an area so squalid, so filthy, so deprived by society, just to ogle some young little things. It just doesn't happen, m'lud!
'Exhibit 56.a' clearly shows my client hard at work, producing yet another variety of chocolate bar, assisting his Oompa-Loompas in the extracting of chocolate from its ore, cocaite. All this evidence goes to show us all what sort of man my client really is.
Member of jury: He's a damn pervert! What sort of person keeps little green men locked up in his factory?!
Err...bailiffs, take up down!
Judge: You do not have that power, might I remind you.
Okay...um...well, let's hear what the man himself has to say about this, shall we? I call my first witness to the stand: Mr. William Wonka!
*Court stands still for ten seconds*
Just bring him forward!
*Bailiffs bring a copy of 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' to the stand*
Now, Mr. Wonka, you're an honourable man, aren't you?
*Silence*
Judge: Might I remind you, Mr. Wonka, that you are under oath!
No he isn't, m'lud. He's Buddhist.
Judge: This book is Buddhist! You're making a mockery of my court, now proceed, or the defendant will be taken down.
Yes, m'lud, of course. M. Wonka, is it or is it not true that you have assaulted young boys?
*Court gasps in shock*
Oh, er...maybe I should rephrase that...did you sleep with underage males?
*Member of the jury faints*
Good Lord...
Judge: Yes?
What?
Judge: Didn't you say 'M'lud'?
No, m'lud. No, I didn't. Oh God...
God: Yes, my son. You rang?
What?! What's going on?!
God: Might I be called to the stand?
Yes, my lord, of course...
*God takes the stand*
Um...well, err...what do you wish to say on this matter, my good lord?
God: I'd like to tell the jury a tale...a tale of sordid love affairs, and milkmen. But sadly, this isn't my book group, and so I'll be forced to tell you what happened between the defendant, Mr. Wonka, and that young American girl, Redneckisaki or something. Anywho, I was watching over my creation when something rather shocking was brought to my attention by Gabriel. A little American girl was reading-
*Two members of the jury faint*
Wait, wait, I haven't got to the revelation yet-
Judge: Don't divert away from the question, my lord, tell the court what happened, instead of telling us the meaning of life!
God: Okay, beardy. Just listen to what I have to say, or consider all your sould damned to Orange County!
Judge: Orange County?
God: Yes, that's where the damned live nowadays. We filled Hell to the brim, but we needed somwehere to put the rest of your polluted souls, and they had the right amount of cash, so it was a done deal.
Would you care to tell us what the girl was doing with said book?
God: Ah yes, that thing. Well, as I gazed down on creation, I saw her reading this book, while eating what you strange humans call a chocolate bar, or what I call vegelade. When she had taken out the chocolate bar from her mouth, I saw a small spider crawl onto the bar, and then she ate the bar, with the spider as well. Well, once she realised what she had eaten, she was rightly traumatised, but to blame it on your client was wrong. I hereby declare Mr. William Wonka innocent on all charges! Give me your gavel, now!
*Bangs gavel*
And there you have it. Willy Wonka is proven innocent by divine intervention, and now all you naysayers are damned to Hell, or 'Orange County' as it's now known.
I'm here today to put it to you, the good people of the jury, that my client, Mr. William Wonka, is as innocent as the day is long.
Let me begin my saying, m'lud, that Mr. William Wonka has a proven track record of producing the finest quality confectionary delights for years on end, such as the 'Ever-lasting Gobstopper', the 'Fizzy Lifting Drinks' and many other wonders for children (and adults) across the globe.
Mr. Wonka is one of a sadly dying breed, m'lud. He has sacrificed himself, his friends, and his family for the happiness of millions upon millions of people worldwide. He has worked tirelessly for over 50 years on producing and manufacturing sweets good enough for kings to eat, as proven by the building of a certain chocolate palace, but we shan't go into that.
While we live our lives everyday, we meet our friends, we eat, we drink, we have ourselves a little bit of what some have been known to refer to as 'fun'. But my client, Mr. Wonka, toils away every moment of the day he can. He is rumoured to have once worked for 138 hours straight, before erecting a diving board over his chocolate pool, and diving in with a notable perfect 3 and a half somersault in pike. I cannot bring myself to believe that this man, who has worked so selflessly for so very long, would be brought to commit such heinous acts.
Members of the jury, would you now please look at what I have labelled 'Exhibit 7'. You will find that it shows an illustration of the illustrious Mr. William Wonka, drawn by Quentin Blake, giving the poor people of Calcutta free chocolate by the truck load. Now, members of the jury, I would question as to why any man would visit an area so squalid, so filthy, so deprived by society, just to ogle some young little things. It just doesn't happen, m'lud!
'Exhibit 56.a' clearly shows my client hard at work, producing yet another variety of chocolate bar, assisting his Oompa-Loompas in the extracting of chocolate from its ore, cocaite. All this evidence goes to show us all what sort of man my client really is.
Member of jury: He's a damn pervert! What sort of person keeps little green men locked up in his factory?!
Err...bailiffs, take up down!
Judge: You do not have that power, might I remind you.
Okay...um...well, let's hear what the man himself has to say about this, shall we? I call my first witness to the stand: Mr. William Wonka!
*Court stands still for ten seconds*
Just bring him forward!
*Bailiffs bring a copy of 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' to the stand*
Now, Mr. Wonka, you're an honourable man, aren't you?
*Silence*
Judge: Might I remind you, Mr. Wonka, that you are under oath!
No he isn't, m'lud. He's Buddhist.
Judge: This book is Buddhist! You're making a mockery of my court, now proceed, or the defendant will be taken down.
Yes, m'lud, of course. M. Wonka, is it or is it not true that you have assaulted young boys?
*Court gasps in shock*
Oh, er...maybe I should rephrase that...did you sleep with underage males?
*Member of the jury faints*
Good Lord...
Judge: Yes?
What?
Judge: Didn't you say 'M'lud'?
No, m'lud. No, I didn't. Oh God...
God: Yes, my son. You rang?
What?! What's going on?!
God: Might I be called to the stand?
Yes, my lord, of course...
*God takes the stand*
Um...well, err...what do you wish to say on this matter, my good lord?
God: I'd like to tell the jury a tale...a tale of sordid love affairs, and milkmen. But sadly, this isn't my book group, and so I'll be forced to tell you what happened between the defendant, Mr. Wonka, and that young American girl, Redneckisaki or something. Anywho, I was watching over my creation when something rather shocking was brought to my attention by Gabriel. A little American girl was reading-
*Two members of the jury faint*
Wait, wait, I haven't got to the revelation yet-
Judge: Don't divert away from the question, my lord, tell the court what happened, instead of telling us the meaning of life!
God: Okay, beardy. Just listen to what I have to say, or consider all your sould damned to Orange County!
Judge: Orange County?
God: Yes, that's where the damned live nowadays. We filled Hell to the brim, but we needed somwehere to put the rest of your polluted souls, and they had the right amount of cash, so it was a done deal.
Would you care to tell us what the girl was doing with said book?
God: Ah yes, that thing. Well, as I gazed down on creation, I saw her reading this book, while eating what you strange humans call a chocolate bar, or what I call vegelade. When she had taken out the chocolate bar from her mouth, I saw a small spider crawl onto the bar, and then she ate the bar, with the spider as well. Well, once she realised what she had eaten, she was rightly traumatised, but to blame it on your client was wrong. I hereby declare Mr. William Wonka innocent on all charges! Give me your gavel, now!
*Bangs gavel*
And there you have it. Willy Wonka is proven innocent by divine intervention, and now all you naysayers are damned to Hell, or 'Orange County' as it's now known.
Heh, "Miss Redneckowski". - I like your detailed & extravagant writing style.
Following in the wake of recent celebrity scandals in which Pete Townshend, Matthew Kelly and the guy who plays Ed Rooney from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off were accused of all kinds of illicit activities, dragged out into the street and had a “P” printed on their foreheads, literary confection merchant and Oompa Loompa slave driver Willy Wonka is the next name to be dragged through the mud and attacked by the nations seedy tabloid newspapers.
In America, where trailer trash hicks solve their family problems on TV in front of Jerry Springer, an audience of overly belligerent fat people and a nation of burger brains, and where compensation culture reigns supreme, Mindy Redneckowski is beginning legal action against Mr. Wonka for what she claims as “years of harrowing abuse, emotional trauma and general torment.”
Miss Redneckowski’s troubles began when she was a small girl reading the Willy Wonka children’s novel, as she recalls, “ever since I read that horrible book about that disgusting fiend and his fun house I’ve had terrible recurring nightmares of Willy Wonka, his awful chocolate factory and the torrent of abuse he subjects his Oompa Loompa slaves to.”
She later added, “I’ve also had a petrifying phobia of chocolate ever since, so as an American, I’m sure you will understand that me not being able to eat fattening chocolate is absolute hell to have to live with.”
Miss Redneckowski’s lawyer, Frank Putz, read out a statement claiming, “this vile pest (Mr. Wonka) lures children into his chocolate factory, which doubles as his seedy lair of debauchery, with the fantastical promise of a lifetime supply of chocolate and eternal happiness. He then subjects his victims to a number of different methods of torture, including being trapped in a pipe then turned into fudge, being turned into a hideous giant blueberry, falling into a golden egg boiler, and being miniaturised. My client has been so emotionally traumatised by these harrowing fictitious experiences that she’s been damaged ever since. Mr. Wonka and his freaky fun house is the cause of all this anguish, so must therefore be brandished a child abusing villain and sued.”
He later questioned and insinuated that the highly suggestive ‘Ever-Lasting Gob Stoppers’, ‘Lickable Wallpaper’ and ‘Fizzy Lifting Drink’ were rather undesirable things not harmless sweet treats as it’s commonly believed, and also reiterated Miss Redneckowski’s observations that Willy Wonka dresses like a seventies pimp with his purple get-up and top hat, plus owns a purple pimp-mobile which he calls his ‘Wonka Wagon’.
Despite being an imaginary character, Mr. Wonka somehow managed to vigorously deny all the preposterous child abusing allegations, claiming that any children who went into his factory were never harmed and eventually came out better human beings having learnt important moral lessons about human behaviour and moral principles about greed and watching too much television.
The scandal will no doubt shock loyal supporters of the fictitious chocolate maker, but his most devoted fans have vowed to stick by him. Robert Wonka, who changed his name via deed poll in honour of his idol, said, “Willy Wonka is an innocent man. It seems that nowadays, anybody can go around accusing people of all kinds of heinous crimes, even when the accused isn’t even real!”
This full shocking story will be splashed over the front pages of every newspaper and dragged out over the coming weeks, even taking precedence over the much more important stories such as the impending war, decrepit state of the nation’s public transport systems, fire-fighters strikes, terrible weather conditions and even the state of Zoe Ball & Fat Boy Slim’s marriage.
In America, where trailer trash hicks solve their family problems on TV in front of Jerry Springer, an audience of overly belligerent fat people and a nation of burger brains, and where compensation culture reigns supreme, Mindy Redneckowski is beginning legal action against Mr. Wonka for what she claims as “years of harrowing abuse, emotional trauma and general torment.”
Miss Redneckowski’s troubles began when she was a small girl reading the Willy Wonka children’s novel, as she recalls, “ever since I read that horrible book about that disgusting fiend and his fun house I’ve had terrible recurring nightmares of Willy Wonka, his awful chocolate factory and the torrent of abuse he subjects his Oompa Loompa slaves to.”
She later added, “I’ve also had a petrifying phobia of chocolate ever since, so as an American, I’m sure you will understand that me not being able to eat fattening chocolate is absolute hell to have to live with.”
Miss Redneckowski’s lawyer, Frank Putz, read out a statement claiming, “this vile pest (Mr. Wonka) lures children into his chocolate factory, which doubles as his seedy lair of debauchery, with the fantastical promise of a lifetime supply of chocolate and eternal happiness. He then subjects his victims to a number of different methods of torture, including being trapped in a pipe then turned into fudge, being turned into a hideous giant blueberry, falling into a golden egg boiler, and being miniaturised. My client has been so emotionally traumatised by these harrowing fictitious experiences that she’s been damaged ever since. Mr. Wonka and his freaky fun house is the cause of all this anguish, so must therefore be brandished a child abusing villain and sued.”
He later questioned and insinuated that the highly suggestive ‘Ever-Lasting Gob Stoppers’, ‘Lickable Wallpaper’ and ‘Fizzy Lifting Drink’ were rather undesirable things not harmless sweet treats as it’s commonly believed, and also reiterated Miss Redneckowski’s observations that Willy Wonka dresses like a seventies pimp with his purple get-up and top hat, plus owns a purple pimp-mobile which he calls his ‘Wonka Wagon’.
Despite being an imaginary character, Mr. Wonka somehow managed to vigorously deny all the preposterous child abusing allegations, claiming that any children who went into his factory were never harmed and eventually came out better human beings having learnt important moral lessons about human behaviour and moral principles about greed and watching too much television.
The scandal will no doubt shock loyal supporters of the fictitious chocolate maker, but his most devoted fans have vowed to stick by him. Robert Wonka, who changed his name via deed poll in honour of his idol, said, “Willy Wonka is an innocent man. It seems that nowadays, anybody can go around accusing people of all kinds of heinous crimes, even when the accused isn’t even real!”
This full shocking story will be splashed over the front pages of every newspaper and dragged out over the coming weeks, even taking precedence over the much more important stories such as the impending war, decrepit state of the nation’s public transport systems, fire-fighters strikes, terrible weather conditions and even the state of Zoe Ball & Fat Boy Slim’s marriage.
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