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Following in the wake of recent celebrity scandals in which Pete Townshend, Matthew Kelly and the guy who plays Ed Rooney from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off were accused of all kinds of illicit activities, dragged out into the street and had a “P” printed on their foreheads, literary confection merchant and Oompa Loompa slave driver Willy Wonka is the next name to be dragged through the mud and attacked by the nations seedy tabloid newspapers.
In America, where trailer trash hicks solve their family problems on TV in front of Jerry Springer, an audience of overly belligerent fat people and a nation of burger brains, and where compensation culture reigns supreme, Mindy Redneckowski is beginning legal action against Mr. Wonka for what she claims as “years of harrowing abuse, emotional trauma and general torment.”
Miss Redneckowski’s troubles began when she was a small girl reading the Willy Wonka children’s novel, as she recalls, “ever since I read that horrible book about that disgusting fiend and his fun house I’ve had terrible recurring nightmares of Willy Wonka, his awful chocolate factory and the torrent of abuse he subjects his Oompa Loompa slaves to.”
She later added, “I’ve also had a petrifying phobia of chocolate ever since, so as an American, I’m sure you will understand that me not being able to eat fattening chocolate is absolute hell to have to live with.”
Miss Redneckowski’s lawyer, Frank Putz, read out a statement claiming, “this vile pest (Mr. Wonka) lures children into his chocolate factory, which doubles as his seedy lair of debauchery, with the fantastical promise of a lifetime supply of chocolate and eternal happiness. He then subjects his victims to a number of different methods of torture, including being trapped in a pipe then turned into fudge, being turned into a hideous giant blueberry, falling into a golden egg boiler, and being miniaturised. My client has been so emotionally traumatised by these harrowing fictitious experiences that she’s been damaged ever since. Mr. Wonka and his freaky fun house is the cause of all this anguish, so must therefore be brandished a child abusing villain and sued.”
He later questioned and insinuated that the highly suggestive ‘Ever-Lasting Gob Stoppers’, ‘Lickable Wallpaper’ and ‘Fizzy Lifting Drink’ were rather undesirable things not harmless sweet treats as it’s commonly believed, and also reiterated Miss Redneckowski’s observations that Willy Wonka dresses like a seventies pimp with his purple get-up and top hat, plus owns a purple pimp-mobile which he calls his ‘Wonka Wagon’.
Despite being an imaginary character, Mr. Wonka somehow managed to vigorously deny all the preposterous child abusing allegations, claiming that any children who went into his factory were never harmed and eventually came out better human beings having learnt important moral lessons about human behaviour and moral principles about greed and watching too much television.
The scandal will no doubt shock loyal supporters of the fictitious chocolate maker, but his most devoted fans have vowed to stick by him. Robert Wonka, who changed his name via deed poll in honour of his idol, said, “Willy Wonka is an innocent man. It seems that nowadays, anybody can go around accusing people of all kinds of heinous crimes, even when the accused isn’t even real!”
This full shocking story will be splashed over the front pages of every newspaper and dragged out over the coming weeks, even taking precedence over the much more important stories such as the impending war, decrepit state of the nation’s public transport systems, fire-fighters strikes, terrible weather conditions and even the state of Zoe Ball & Fat Boy Slim’s marriage.
In America, where trailer trash hicks solve their family problems on TV in front of Jerry Springer, an audience of overly belligerent fat people and a nation of burger brains, and where compensation culture reigns supreme, Mindy Redneckowski is beginning legal action against Mr. Wonka for what she claims as “years of harrowing abuse, emotional trauma and general torment.”
Miss Redneckowski’s troubles began when she was a small girl reading the Willy Wonka children’s novel, as she recalls, “ever since I read that horrible book about that disgusting fiend and his fun house I’ve had terrible recurring nightmares of Willy Wonka, his awful chocolate factory and the torrent of abuse he subjects his Oompa Loompa slaves to.”
She later added, “I’ve also had a petrifying phobia of chocolate ever since, so as an American, I’m sure you will understand that me not being able to eat fattening chocolate is absolute hell to have to live with.”
Miss Redneckowski’s lawyer, Frank Putz, read out a statement claiming, “this vile pest (Mr. Wonka) lures children into his chocolate factory, which doubles as his seedy lair of debauchery, with the fantastical promise of a lifetime supply of chocolate and eternal happiness. He then subjects his victims to a number of different methods of torture, including being trapped in a pipe then turned into fudge, being turned into a hideous giant blueberry, falling into a golden egg boiler, and being miniaturised. My client has been so emotionally traumatised by these harrowing fictitious experiences that she’s been damaged ever since. Mr. Wonka and his freaky fun house is the cause of all this anguish, so must therefore be brandished a child abusing villain and sued.”
He later questioned and insinuated that the highly suggestive ‘Ever-Lasting Gob Stoppers’, ‘Lickable Wallpaper’ and ‘Fizzy Lifting Drink’ were rather undesirable things not harmless sweet treats as it’s commonly believed, and also reiterated Miss Redneckowski’s observations that Willy Wonka dresses like a seventies pimp with his purple get-up and top hat, plus owns a purple pimp-mobile which he calls his ‘Wonka Wagon’.
Despite being an imaginary character, Mr. Wonka somehow managed to vigorously deny all the preposterous child abusing allegations, claiming that any children who went into his factory were never harmed and eventually came out better human beings having learnt important moral lessons about human behaviour and moral principles about greed and watching too much television.
The scandal will no doubt shock loyal supporters of the fictitious chocolate maker, but his most devoted fans have vowed to stick by him. Robert Wonka, who changed his name via deed poll in honour of his idol, said, “Willy Wonka is an innocent man. It seems that nowadays, anybody can go around accusing people of all kinds of heinous crimes, even when the accused isn’t even real!”
This full shocking story will be splashed over the front pages of every newspaper and dragged out over the coming weeks, even taking precedence over the much more important stories such as the impending war, decrepit state of the nation’s public transport systems, fire-fighters strikes, terrible weather conditions and even the state of Zoe Ball & Fat Boy Slim’s marriage.
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Excellent, both the original, and the follow up.
No doubt for the eventual proletariat (us) uprising against the bourgeosie (them - the staffies)
Well, let's not dismiss it entirely.
We might need it one day.
We might need it one day.
I don't see why not. I still like the idea of a militia, though
Well, seeing how BEARDS. bends the rules, we could maybe just get him to smuggle games to us.
I dunno, that BEARDS. looks as though he would just say 'no'. It'd be all over.
But if we threatened to organize an SRW militia to take them all out, then...perhaps...
But if we threatened to organize an SRW militia to take them all out, then...perhaps...
It should be.
You think they would give us games if we threatened to shoot them all out of a cannon?
You think they would give us games if we threatened to shoot them all out of a cannon?
Oh well, stealing from a company isn't everything, I suppose
*sigh*
*sigh*
This is true.
You should have won by now though.
You should have won by now though.
If only 'twere so easy to get GADs, my dear friend
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