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If you dont know who Dennis Miller is, go do some research. Basically a more abstract, less billious version of Bill Hicks.
So with that pre-empt out of the way, enjoy:
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DENNIS MILLER'S EXECUTIVE SUMMARY ON THE MID-EAST CONFLICT
A brief overview of the situation is always valuable, so as a service to all Americans who still don't get it, I now offer you the story of the Middle East in just a few paragraphs, which is all you really need. Don't thank me. I'm a giver.
Here we go: the Palestinians want their own country. There's just one thing about that: There are no Palestinians. It's a made up word.
Israel was called Palestine for two thousand years. Like "Wiccan," "Palestinian" sounds ancient but is really a modern invention.
Before the Israelis won the land in war, Gaza was owned by Egypt, and there were no "Palestinians" then, and the West Bank was owned by Jordan, and there were no "Palestinians" then. As soon as the Jews took over and started growing oranges as big as basketballs, what do you know, say hello to the "Palestinians," weeping for their deep bond with their lost "land" and "nation."
So for the sake of honesty, let's not use the word "Palestinian" any more to describe these delightful folks, who dance for joy at our deaths until someone points out they're being taped. Instead, let's call them what they are: "Other Arabs From The Same General Area Who Are In Deep Denial About Never Being Able To Accomplish Anything In Life And Would Rather Wrap Themselves In The Seductive Melodrama Of Eternal Struggle And Death."
I know that's a bit unwieldy to expect to see on CNN. How about this, then: "Adjacent Jew-Haters."
Okay, so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own country. Oops, just one more thing. No, they don't. They could've had their own country any time in the last thirty years, especially two years ago at Camp David. But if you have your own country, you have to have traffic lights and garbage trucks and Chambers of Commerce, and, worse, you actually have to figure out some way to make a living. That's no fun.
No, they want what all the other Jew-Haters in the region want: Israel. They also want a big pile of dead Jews, of course-that's where the real fun is-but mostly they want Israel. Why? For one thing, trying to destroy Israel-or "The Zionist Entity" as their textbooks call it-for the last fifty years has allowed the rulers of Arab countries to divert the attention of their own people away from the fact that they're the blue-ribbon most illiterate, poorest, and tribally backward on God's Earth, and if you've ever been around God's Earth, you know that's really saying something. It makes me roll my eyes every time one of our pundits waxes poetic about the great history and culture of the Muslim MidEast. Unless I'm missing something, the Arabs haven't given anything to the world since Algebra, and, by the way, thanks a hell of a lot for that one.
Chew this around and spit it out: Five hundred million Arabs; five million Jews. Think of all the Arab countries as a football field, and Israel as a pack of matches sitting in the middle of it. And now these same folks swear that if Israel gives them half of that pack of matches, everyone will be pals. Really? Wow, what neat news.
Hey, but what about the string of wars to obliterate the tiny country and the constant din of rabid blood oaths to drive every Jew into the sea?
Oh, that? We were just kidding.
My friend Kevin Rooney made a gorgeous point the other day: Just reverse the numbers. Imagine five hundred million Jews and five million Arabs. I was stunned at the simple brilliance of it. Can anyone picture the Jews strapping belts of razor blades and dynamite to themselves? Of course not. Or marshalling every fiber and force at their disposal for generations to drive a tiny Arab state into the sea? Nonsense. Or dancing for joy at the murder of innocents? Impossible. Or spreading and believing horrible lies about the Arabs baking their bread with the blood of children? Disgusting. No, as you know, left to themselves in a world of peace, the worst Jews would ever do to people is debate them to death.
Mr. Bush, God bless him, is walking a tightrope. I understand that with vital operations coming up against Iraq and others, it's in our interest, as Americans, to try to stabilize our Arab allies as much as possible, and, after all, that can't be much harder than stabilizing a roomful of supermodels who've just had their drugs taken away. However, in any big-picture strategy, there's always a danger of losing moral weight. We've already lost some. After September 11 our president told us and the world he was going to root out all terrorists and the countries that supported them.
Beautiful. Then the Israelis, after months and months of having the equivalent of an Oklahoma City every week (and then every day) start to do the same thing we did, and we tell them to show restraint. If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City every day, we would all very shortly be screaming for the administration to just be done with it and kill everything south of the Mediterranean and east of the Jordan. (Hey, wait a minute, that's actually not such a bad idea . . . uh, that is, what a horrible thought, yeah, horrible.)
So with that pre-empt out of the way, enjoy:
----
DENNIS MILLER'S EXECUTIVE SUMMARY ON THE MID-EAST CONFLICT
A brief overview of the situation is always valuable, so as a service to all Americans who still don't get it, I now offer you the story of the Middle East in just a few paragraphs, which is all you really need. Don't thank me. I'm a giver.
Here we go: the Palestinians want their own country. There's just one thing about that: There are no Palestinians. It's a made up word.
Israel was called Palestine for two thousand years. Like "Wiccan," "Palestinian" sounds ancient but is really a modern invention.
Before the Israelis won the land in war, Gaza was owned by Egypt, and there were no "Palestinians" then, and the West Bank was owned by Jordan, and there were no "Palestinians" then. As soon as the Jews took over and started growing oranges as big as basketballs, what do you know, say hello to the "Palestinians," weeping for their deep bond with their lost "land" and "nation."
So for the sake of honesty, let's not use the word "Palestinian" any more to describe these delightful folks, who dance for joy at our deaths until someone points out they're being taped. Instead, let's call them what they are: "Other Arabs From The Same General Area Who Are In Deep Denial About Never Being Able To Accomplish Anything In Life And Would Rather Wrap Themselves In The Seductive Melodrama Of Eternal Struggle And Death."
I know that's a bit unwieldy to expect to see on CNN. How about this, then: "Adjacent Jew-Haters."
Okay, so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own country. Oops, just one more thing. No, they don't. They could've had their own country any time in the last thirty years, especially two years ago at Camp David. But if you have your own country, you have to have traffic lights and garbage trucks and Chambers of Commerce, and, worse, you actually have to figure out some way to make a living. That's no fun.
No, they want what all the other Jew-Haters in the region want: Israel. They also want a big pile of dead Jews, of course-that's where the real fun is-but mostly they want Israel. Why? For one thing, trying to destroy Israel-or "The Zionist Entity" as their textbooks call it-for the last fifty years has allowed the rulers of Arab countries to divert the attention of their own people away from the fact that they're the blue-ribbon most illiterate, poorest, and tribally backward on God's Earth, and if you've ever been around God's Earth, you know that's really saying something. It makes me roll my eyes every time one of our pundits waxes poetic about the great history and culture of the Muslim MidEast. Unless I'm missing something, the Arabs haven't given anything to the world since Algebra, and, by the way, thanks a hell of a lot for that one.
Chew this around and spit it out: Five hundred million Arabs; five million Jews. Think of all the Arab countries as a football field, and Israel as a pack of matches sitting in the middle of it. And now these same folks swear that if Israel gives them half of that pack of matches, everyone will be pals. Really? Wow, what neat news.
Hey, but what about the string of wars to obliterate the tiny country and the constant din of rabid blood oaths to drive every Jew into the sea?
Oh, that? We were just kidding.
My friend Kevin Rooney made a gorgeous point the other day: Just reverse the numbers. Imagine five hundred million Jews and five million Arabs. I was stunned at the simple brilliance of it. Can anyone picture the Jews strapping belts of razor blades and dynamite to themselves? Of course not. Or marshalling every fiber and force at their disposal for generations to drive a tiny Arab state into the sea? Nonsense. Or dancing for joy at the murder of innocents? Impossible. Or spreading and believing horrible lies about the Arabs baking their bread with the blood of children? Disgusting. No, as you know, left to themselves in a world of peace, the worst Jews would ever do to people is debate them to death.
Mr. Bush, God bless him, is walking a tightrope. I understand that with vital operations coming up against Iraq and others, it's in our interest, as Americans, to try to stabilize our Arab allies as much as possible, and, after all, that can't be much harder than stabilizing a roomful of supermodels who've just had their drugs taken away. However, in any big-picture strategy, there's always a danger of losing moral weight. We've already lost some. After September 11 our president told us and the world he was going to root out all terrorists and the countries that supported them.
Beautiful. Then the Israelis, after months and months of having the equivalent of an Oklahoma City every week (and then every day) start to do the same thing we did, and we tell them to show restraint. If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City every day, we would all very shortly be screaming for the administration to just be done with it and kill everything south of the Mediterranean and east of the Jordan. (Hey, wait a minute, that's actually not such a bad idea . . . uh, that is, what a horrible thought, yeah, horrible.)
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Did the Arab Israeli conflict in depth back in high school.
I'm amazed at how many pasty white UK teens that live at home with their parents are so educated on the Middle East, whilst politicians and Presidents are unable to agree and actually realise what's going on.
*smacks forehead with hand*
*smacks forehead with hand*
Goatboy wrote:
> He's a comic trying to make light of something yet retaining historical accuracy.
Retaining historical accuracy? They [Israelis] went to Palestine, invaded it and turfed out the Arabs who were living there claiming it was their "religious holy ground". Funded by America, they kill, bulldoze, maim and destroy Palestinians and villages with highly superior weaponary while the Palestinians fight back for their country with stones and old rifles/guns. Slowly, as a nation, they're exterminating the Palestines systematically - which is why they fight back with suicide bombers.
And then Miller has the gall to insult the way they live their lives saying it's "backward and tribal". Well, to him in a stable economic climate it might be backward but this is their whole history we're talking about which runs deeper than than some Jews taking over a country and trying to kill off an entire civilisation. He then takes a pop saying the Arabs have done nothing for us except invent Algebra. Oh, he forgot about the whole numeric system didn't he?
If this was some kind of joke, it was written in bad taste. In fact,it stinks. So much for the peace process.
> He's a comic trying to make light of something yet retaining historical accuracy.
Retaining historical accuracy? They [Israelis] went to Palestine, invaded it and turfed out the Arabs who were living there claiming it was their "religious holy ground". Funded by America, they kill, bulldoze, maim and destroy Palestinians and villages with highly superior weaponary while the Palestinians fight back for their country with stones and old rifles/guns. Slowly, as a nation, they're exterminating the Palestines systematically - which is why they fight back with suicide bombers.
And then Miller has the gall to insult the way they live their lives saying it's "backward and tribal". Well, to him in a stable economic climate it might be backward but this is their whole history we're talking about which runs deeper than than some Jews taking over a country and trying to kill off an entire civilisation. He then takes a pop saying the Arabs have done nothing for us except invent Algebra. Oh, he forgot about the whole numeric system didn't he?
If this was some kind of joke, it was written in bad taste. In fact,it stinks. So much for the peace process.
As someone who's dad was a Palestinian refugee whogot kicked out of his home when he was v. young I find non of that funny or satirical. Call me a kill-joy but I find it all stupidly and unessesatily racist. And I'm not going to back-up the (few) Palestinians that were caught on tape after 9?11 because I have a Spanish lesson in 5 minutes.
He's a comic trying to make light of something yet retaining historical accuracy.
You want Chomsky, go read Chomsky.
Miller also wrote a book called "The Rants", which is a very funny read.
You want Chomsky, go read Chomsky.
Miller also wrote a book called "The Rants", which is a very funny read.
The guy makes some valid points without resorting to undue rhetoric. I think that Arab nations are envious that America has made the most of their abundant natural resources whilst they have largely squandered their own.
Someone at work said the imminent conflict is about oil production: basically the Americans want stability in the region and they WANT the Iraqis to make more money from increasing their production. Currently they only produce a third of their potential output due to general innefficency and inept procedures. By installing a new regime, who will have increased economic sway due increased oil production, the Americans realise that oil prices will drop considerably as the market is literally saturated by a new (stable) flow of oil. America's economy will thus thrive as they happen to rely on oil to drive it forward, Britain rely on America's economy, hence the support.
Well that's the theory.
Someone at work said the imminent conflict is about oil production: basically the Americans want stability in the region and they WANT the Iraqis to make more money from increasing their production. Currently they only produce a third of their potential output due to general innefficency and inept procedures. By installing a new regime, who will have increased economic sway due increased oil production, the Americans realise that oil prices will drop considerably as the market is literally saturated by a new (stable) flow of oil. America's economy will thus thrive as they happen to rely on oil to drive it forward, Britain rely on America's economy, hence the support.
Well that's the theory.
Oh, I read it. I just thoroughly disagree with a lot of it.
Aw bless...it's easier to read if you break it down into short, choppy paragraphs.
My sentiments exactly.
Pah
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