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"Realisation"

This is the most excited I've been in a long time. :0)

I couldn't sleep last night. I kept thinking about how everyone's thinking about what they want to do in the future.

Then it dawned on me.

Last year, well, a year and a few months ago, I started applying for a computer games design degree. The idea was, that I could go into something, be taught design, character actions, storylines... the stuff that really interests me.

But unfortunately, they mostly, from what I saw, wanted art. I didn't take art. Because you can't get into anything without maths. [Utter bullcrap. The next time someone tells you that, punch them. At least for me.]

So I grew dishearted, but applied anyway. I was given offers, asked for interviews, but by that time I'd realised it just wasn't what I wanted to do. I turned down everything. I didn't really know what to do with myself. I knew I wouldn't enjoy these courses, they were too technical. I just Sat back and worked more on my animations... I tried applying for Rareware, but in the end, I don't think that's where I should have gone either.

I had my characters, movies that made me laugh. I was getting better, and I enjoyed animating so much.

Then Katie came along.

My mother kept pestering me, telling me to go do a electronics course in colledge or something, my Dad shouted at me night after night saying I'll be working in McDonalds all my life. And I was beginning to fall in love with Katie.

Two things dawned on me.

1) I didn't care for supporting myself. I didn't really care for myself anymore. I'd rather just work in a s****y little job, raise some money, live in a flat. Maybe be able to afford a net connection. But I couldn't do that anymore. Meeting Katie proved to me that, previous to what I thought, I wasn't going to be as alone as I believed. I really needed not just to support me, but to support us. To think otherwise would be selfish. And well, at least I could do something that I could remotely enjoy.

2) I want to see Katie.

My mum took me to Pembrokeshire College, to see what electronics course she could sign me up for. A friend had told her this was the right thing to do, you see.

We bought a newspaper, showing Clearing information. Degrees that there were still places left in.

I glanced to the Computer Games Technology section.

Essex.

That's where Katie is.

I don't believe in God, but whenever I look back on my life, there's always just something that seems to have somehow saved me. Be it my Grandfather, friends, Katie herself, paracetamols [could be dead, don't ya know].

I thought...

Well.

This isn't what I want to do. There's no real way I could get into doing a more art course... I'm just not good enough. If I can get into this course, not only will it be a backing for me to get a well paid job, but I can get to see Katie often. And well, if I hate the course as much as I expect, I can always just go see Katie, and I've always got my animations anyway.

It's only when I got here that I started to doubt my future.

As much as I'd vow these days to do everything I can to keep Katie happy... I knew, if I left this course to go into an appropriate job, I wouldn't be happy. I've known this since September 2000. I was just worried I'd never be able to make money. Because even if you hate your job, at least you can go on great holidays.

And well... I'm sure my course has -some- design elements on. It's not focused on what I enjoy, but you know.

Last night I realised I'd been hiding from this for the past five or six months.

I didn't feel like crap. I didn't feel like I'm utterly doomed and I'm wasting my life.

I felt, as far as I can know, pretty much like how a gay man must feel to come out of the closet.

I am not a mathematician. I am an artist.

To me, in my head, an artist is one of those things you just don't want your parents to know. You smoke weed, you've knocked up some girl and she's had to get an abortion, you're gay, you're an artist.

Because that's what I am. How pathetic I must sound, but it's just the way I've been raised.

I wish I could have realised this so long back.

You're probably thinking "of course you're a ***king artist, you design all this crap and write poetry." Well, I had an idea, but I refused to believe it. I was hiding from it, like I said.

I went straight back on the internet, started doing research about if I could change my course to animation.

This was about 12:30. I found a decent Uni in Hertfordshire that does Digital Animation, and it's EXACTLY what I want to do. Scenery, weather effects, short story telling, character design... just thinking about those things to me are the most exciting things in the world.

I got to sleep about four. Somewhat due to gunshots, which I was by now ignoring, but mostly due to me being so f***ing excited. :0)

This morning I woke up at 8:30, and I didn't feel tired at all. I sprang out of bed and got dressed to go see my tutor to talk about changing the course.

Compare this to yesterday, where I didn't have enough energy after sleeping for ten hours to get out of bed, or even make myself a drink. That's the sort of excitement that I'm gripped in at the moment.

We had our tutorial, and I asked him if I could like talk to him... a sit down conversation. His eyebrows raised, and said sure, his office in ten minutes.

We had a 40 minute talk. I explained the above to him, and told him about how much time I spend animating, and how much I enjoy it.

He agreed with me. The best thing I could do is change my course. I really was surprised to hear that. He's a great bloke... he didn't once try to convince me to "stick it out" or "see what happens" or whatever, he just looked me straight in the eye and understood I really wanted to do this.

We searched UCAS last night, and agreed also that Hertfordshire was a great place to go. There's a little college on Southend-On-Sea that's close to here, but he said it's really not good. "The course isn't finalised yet, and it wouldn't meet your standard. There's too much techincal stuff and not enough design."

It turns out that my tutor is responsible for the courses and content, and the course in Southend are awarded by Essex Uni. Which was lucky, because although I can use that as a backup, I'd much rather go to Hertfordshire.

I'm so f***ing excited.

I told him I was worried about how they wanted a art background, and how well, I wasn't exactly allowed to use the left hand side of my brain.

So, now, well, he's told me to write a brief email, try to make it the size of the screen. Explain your situation. I asked him should I give examples of my work, he said yes.

Basically, I'm going to prositute myself. I can't even imagine doing stuff like Amneshire in a classroom, and this is exactly it. I'm so f***ing excited.

So right. I need to start work on my email. It'll no doubt get posted here for you to see, I'd want some comments, you see. :0)

Heheheheeheheheeehehe

Christ I hope I get in. I have to get in. I know I'm capable, I just don't have the official background.

I WILL do this. I WILL get in. And I've never said that more honestly.

Is this such a massive blow for me? I mean, how much has changed?

In fairness... not a lot. This year is a preliminary year. A foundation year. Sure, it's a technical/maths based foundation year, but my tutor said it will count. Essex has a good reputation, and a high mark here will help me. I -know- he said that with conviction.

So all I'm doing really, is slightly adjusting the tracks. Instead of veering off thar, I'm gonna veer off thar instead. All that's different, is I'm just going to have to change Uni's. Doesn't bother me one bit. Long as I'm still close to Walden. :0D

Coming to Essex has given me a hell of a lot of maturity and experience. I've learnt so much, and I've never been happier. But this course just isn't what I want to be doing. It ain't me. I need to animate. I have needed to for three years. I'm always thinking about it. I want to be thinking about it, then writing it down, then getting it marked. To me, that's absolutely f***ing awesome.

And if you read all this, well, thanks. :0D You don't need to though, I'm just in an absolutely fantastic mood and I want to spread my mood around.

"It's times like these you learn to live again"

Well, I was reading this (trying to catch up on all the posts don'tchaknow) and listening to the Foo Fighters track, it just seemed to fit.

You know, I just wish I could draw well, I so want to animate in cell animation, I'm not fond of doing 3D myself, though I love other people's 3D work. I feel so much that I have all these artistic elements trying to burst out and little output for them.

I wish you well and it shows that you can never plan on life, it's a teaser sometimes! Just remember that all life experiences are good, even the bad ones. Use them to make yourself stronger, positively. Think of how many good poets and artists used their bad times to drive their work.

And keep writing here, I love to keep up with your life and all the people on here too, I'm sure many others feel the same way.

Excellent.

Funny, what you were saying about the artist thing, I know where you're coming from with that, with the writing thing.

Instead of just writing stories, and putting things facelessly on these forums I've started to let other people read them now, I've sent stuff to magazines, and I'm entering competitions and stuff.

It's just like you say, feels really great, but I just feel so busy now, my head is awash with ideas, it's great!

aNYWAY, ALL THE BEST.

cAN'T BE ARISED to fix that now...

So that's what that little leaflet was on about when it said you could find yourself at University...

I don't know if I want to go though. I'm still toying with the idea of getting a council house and living off the dole.
Problem is, everyone I tell tells me that I don't qualify for dole/council house because I have too many prospects...

It's just not fair... :-D/( (not sure what face to do...)

Dude, calm down...you'll give yourself a hernia or something. Well done though!

Yeah yeah, I'll buy you a Kinder Egg. :0)

FM, send that to the guy who rips the crap outta kids drawings.

Would be great to see it in his gallery.

Anyways... onto you Grix.

You got courage to go and talk to your teacher like that, I know its actually hard to push yourself into doing something and explaining you were wrong to begin with, but you did it back then for reasons.

As I have said before. I expect a £1000.00 cheque when you are a millionaire.

:) Good luck.

haha

In the interests of being tasteful I actually move it up from where I originally put it.

;-)

Nice placement.

SHEEPY wrote:
> You missed out a 3

Corrected, thank you.