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Realising the efforts in Afghanistan to locate, hunt and kill Osama Bin Laden were rubbish – reports leaked today to news agencies suggest a darker, more disturbing road to Shining Western Justice.
Despite the USA’s best “come out come out wherever you are” methods of locating the former world’s-most-wanted Arab Osama Bin Laden, “swift and uncompromising justice” has been less than forthcoming.
However, documents suggest that far from ignoring the “most evil man in the world”, as has been suggested by pretty much every person on the planet and the 7 remaining Afghans, plans are afoot to deliver righteous punishment.
But it’s not what you may think.
Instead of pumping billions into a Star Wars defense system (unable to stop hijacked planes or toxins), The Department of Justice has announced radical plans to form what it calls “The Justice Bus”.
Spokesman Aaron Spelling gave details:
”Bin is expecting thousands of troops. And bombs. And Bob Hope. Nope, we have assembled a team of commandos with years of experience to go in undercover and bring that Arab to justice. But not only shall a crack team be operating beyond the law, living in the shadowy underworld – but they’ll be taking a crime-fighting Bus with them. Think of Nightrider, but with a big-ass 18 Wheeler right? Like Sam Jones used to drive in The Highwayman.”
The crack team of government operatives were presented to the press in a big aircraft hanger. There were only two of them, but they would be enough.
Each had the steely, heroic glint of patriotic murderous pride in their eyes as they were announced to the presspack. It is with great pride that The US announces: The Terror Task-Force:
Chuck Norris:
His expertise with anti-terror tactics can clearly be witnessed in the Special Forces instructional video “Delta Force”. In this training aid, Norris demonstrates how to mow down an entire airfield of Russian dissidents using only an Uzi, the memory of his dead commander and Louis Gosset Jr. Norris is also a master of hand-to-hand combat, clearly on show when he gets beaten stupid by Bruce Lee in “70s attempt to cash-in on Karate 9”. Norris is also familiar with hostile territory and insurgence techniques, having not only been held a POW in Vietnam in the touching documentary “Missing in Action”, but also possesses the strength of character to return for “my buddies, for America. For honour”, in the follow-up programme “Missing in Action 2”. Norris would also be able to go undercover utilising his native-disguise of a beard. His past as a bounty-hunting Texas Ranger may also be of use.
Should Norris be taken prisoner, he is more than able to fight bare-chested. Or with a sleeveless ripped GI shirt and headband, so sartorial mishaps will not stop his kung-fu madness.
Steven Segal:
A continued presence in the anti-terrorist fighting machine. Segal is not only a master of the pudgy-faced anger squint (a technique employed to strike fear into the hearts of those that have wronged him), but has also demonstrated ample culinary ability in the heartwarming tale of an American ex-CIA turned chef conquering terrorism aboard a boat, “Under Siege”. Segal is also experienced at culinary quipping onboard a speeding train, and has demonstrated his ability to ruthlessly flail at American based terrorists as well as shady Arab clichés – so he will not hesitate should a round-eye need taking down. There is one drawback to the inclusion of Segal in “The Justice Bus”, he seems only able to engage in mediocre kung-fu after either (a) awakening from a coma (b) avenging a family member’s death. So it may be necessary to beat him unconscious before rendering his entire family of fat-limbed kung-fu kids dead. Segal could prove a worthy addition to the Justice Bus, for not only does he possess adequate culinary skill but is also a country music musician, the re-incarnation of a Tibetan Priest and possessor of “an inner calm” that he can utilise before throwing fat-man kung fu shapes in various corridors and warehouses. Is a concerned environmentalist, as proved in “Fire Down Below”, where he receives first aid from a Native American, whom he thanks by bowing with his hands clasped under his multiple chins. He also asks “What can make a man change his soul?” before throwing a redneck through a window. He is expert in slow-motion violence (believe to be arthritic rather than dramatic), yet is a wise and thoughtful gut puncher.
These two highly-trained infomercial Warriors are sure to put America and, indeed, the entire peace-loving universe right where it belongs – in the position to dictate to other countries exactly what they can and cannot be allowed to possess in terms of weaponry, religion and fossilised dinosaur remains.
Despite the USA’s best “come out come out wherever you are” methods of locating the former world’s-most-wanted Arab Osama Bin Laden, “swift and uncompromising justice” has been less than forthcoming.
However, documents suggest that far from ignoring the “most evil man in the world”, as has been suggested by pretty much every person on the planet and the 7 remaining Afghans, plans are afoot to deliver righteous punishment.
But it’s not what you may think.
Instead of pumping billions into a Star Wars defense system (unable to stop hijacked planes or toxins), The Department of Justice has announced radical plans to form what it calls “The Justice Bus”.
Spokesman Aaron Spelling gave details:
”Bin is expecting thousands of troops. And bombs. And Bob Hope. Nope, we have assembled a team of commandos with years of experience to go in undercover and bring that Arab to justice. But not only shall a crack team be operating beyond the law, living in the shadowy underworld – but they’ll be taking a crime-fighting Bus with them. Think of Nightrider, but with a big-ass 18 Wheeler right? Like Sam Jones used to drive in The Highwayman.”
The crack team of government operatives were presented to the press in a big aircraft hanger. There were only two of them, but they would be enough.
Each had the steely, heroic glint of patriotic murderous pride in their eyes as they were announced to the presspack. It is with great pride that The US announces: The Terror Task-Force:
Chuck Norris:
His expertise with anti-terror tactics can clearly be witnessed in the Special Forces instructional video “Delta Force”. In this training aid, Norris demonstrates how to mow down an entire airfield of Russian dissidents using only an Uzi, the memory of his dead commander and Louis Gosset Jr. Norris is also a master of hand-to-hand combat, clearly on show when he gets beaten stupid by Bruce Lee in “70s attempt to cash-in on Karate 9”. Norris is also familiar with hostile territory and insurgence techniques, having not only been held a POW in Vietnam in the touching documentary “Missing in Action”, but also possesses the strength of character to return for “my buddies, for America. For honour”, in the follow-up programme “Missing in Action 2”. Norris would also be able to go undercover utilising his native-disguise of a beard. His past as a bounty-hunting Texas Ranger may also be of use.
Should Norris be taken prisoner, he is more than able to fight bare-chested. Or with a sleeveless ripped GI shirt and headband, so sartorial mishaps will not stop his kung-fu madness.
Steven Segal:
A continued presence in the anti-terrorist fighting machine. Segal is not only a master of the pudgy-faced anger squint (a technique employed to strike fear into the hearts of those that have wronged him), but has also demonstrated ample culinary ability in the heartwarming tale of an American ex-CIA turned chef conquering terrorism aboard a boat, “Under Siege”. Segal is also experienced at culinary quipping onboard a speeding train, and has demonstrated his ability to ruthlessly flail at American based terrorists as well as shady Arab clichés – so he will not hesitate should a round-eye need taking down. There is one drawback to the inclusion of Segal in “The Justice Bus”, he seems only able to engage in mediocre kung-fu after either (a) awakening from a coma (b) avenging a family member’s death. So it may be necessary to beat him unconscious before rendering his entire family of fat-limbed kung-fu kids dead. Segal could prove a worthy addition to the Justice Bus, for not only does he possess adequate culinary skill but is also a country music musician, the re-incarnation of a Tibetan Priest and possessor of “an inner calm” that he can utilise before throwing fat-man kung fu shapes in various corridors and warehouses. Is a concerned environmentalist, as proved in “Fire Down Below”, where he receives first aid from a Native American, whom he thanks by bowing with his hands clasped under his multiple chins. He also asks “What can make a man change his soul?” before throwing a redneck through a window. He is expert in slow-motion violence (believe to be arthritic rather than dramatic), yet is a wise and thoughtful gut puncher.
These two highly-trained infomercial Warriors are sure to put America and, indeed, the entire peace-loving universe right where it belongs – in the position to dictate to other countries exactly what they can and cannot be allowed to possess in terms of weaponry, religion and fossilised dinosaur remains.
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Hulk Hogan.
Maybe the greatest American ever.
Maybe the greatest American ever.
While we're at it let's chuck Miss Marple, the woman from murder she wrote, Kojak, the cast of Miami Vice, David Hasselhoff and the car from nightrider and the doctor from Diagnosis murder who played a chimney sweep in Mary Poppins on the bus. Saddam and Osama don't stand a chance with that lot on the case.
This would be the greatest immoral and unsanctioned miltary action evah.
Chuck, Steve, Colombo & Quincy all aboard The Justice Bus.
Chuck, Steve, Colombo & Quincy all aboard The Justice Bus.
I was present at the hanger when they briefed the press on the Justice Bus. There's yet another hero on the case though.
In true US Intelligence Agency working together stylee, Columbo has been sent into Afghanistan on point by the NSA, and advance one man macked spearhead if you will. Of course, Chuck and Steve won't know about this until they get near the end of their mission. Columbo will step out from behind a corner in an underground bunker as the two specialists arrive after having despatched 4523 Taliban soldiers on their way there. With a piece of rope and a can of Pepsi.
Columbo will then give them an update on the story so far, there'll be a break for adverts, and then there'll be a finale where Columbo manages to prove that Osama did it all along (because we saw him do it in the opening scenes). Chuck will trade cigars with him, Steve will pontificate on the dangers of smoking tobacco, and the three will radio back to Blix that they've found and neutralised all the weapons of mass destruction in Afghanistan, Pakistan, the Middle East, Iraq, India, China and the rest of the world.
President Bush will then nuke Iraq because God told him to.
In true US Intelligence Agency working together stylee, Columbo has been sent into Afghanistan on point by the NSA, and advance one man macked spearhead if you will. Of course, Chuck and Steve won't know about this until they get near the end of their mission. Columbo will step out from behind a corner in an underground bunker as the two specialists arrive after having despatched 4523 Taliban soldiers on their way there. With a piece of rope and a can of Pepsi.
Columbo will then give them an update on the story so far, there'll be a break for adverts, and then there'll be a finale where Columbo manages to prove that Osama did it all along (because we saw him do it in the opening scenes). Chuck will trade cigars with him, Steve will pontificate on the dangers of smoking tobacco, and the three will radio back to Blix that they've found and neutralised all the weapons of mass destruction in Afghanistan, Pakistan, the Middle East, Iraq, India, China and the rest of the world.
President Bush will then nuke Iraq because God told him to.
What about Van Dam and the rest of his clan from Streetfighter? The'd be able to take good care of 'ol Saddam and Bin Laden!
Segal can teaching Quincy some slow-moving kung-fu hand action and all should be well.
A terrifying prospect, but I hope there'll be room on the bus for Quincy, my favourite crime fighting pathologist.
Quincy: Cause of death?
Seagal: I blew a hole in his terrorist face.
Quincy: No, no, there's something more to it than that. And I'm going to get to the bottom of it.
Quincy: Cause of death?
Seagal: I blew a hole in his terrorist face.
Quincy: No, no, there's something more to it than that. And I'm going to get to the bottom of it.
Realising the efforts in Afghanistan to locate, hunt and kill Osama Bin Laden were rubbish – reports leaked today to news agencies suggest a darker, more disturbing road to Shining Western Justice.
Despite the USA’s best “come out come out wherever you are” methods of locating the former world’s-most-wanted Arab Osama Bin Laden, “swift and uncompromising justice” has been less than forthcoming.
However, documents suggest that far from ignoring the “most evil man in the world”, as has been suggested by pretty much every person on the planet and the 7 remaining Afghans, plans are afoot to deliver righteous punishment.
But it’s not what you may think.
Instead of pumping billions into a Star Wars defense system (unable to stop hijacked planes or toxins), The Department of Justice has announced radical plans to form what it calls “The Justice Bus”.
Spokesman Aaron Spelling gave details:
”Bin is expecting thousands of troops. And bombs. And Bob Hope. Nope, we have assembled a team of commandos with years of experience to go in undercover and bring that Arab to justice. But not only shall a crack team be operating beyond the law, living in the shadowy underworld – but they’ll be taking a crime-fighting Bus with them. Think of Nightrider, but with a big-ass 18 Wheeler right? Like Sam Jones used to drive in The Highwayman.”
The crack team of government operatives were presented to the press in a big aircraft hanger. There were only two of them, but they would be enough.
Each had the steely, heroic glint of patriotic murderous pride in their eyes as they were announced to the presspack. It is with great pride that The US announces: The Terror Task-Force:
Chuck Norris:
His expertise with anti-terror tactics can clearly be witnessed in the Special Forces instructional video “Delta Force”. In this training aid, Norris demonstrates how to mow down an entire airfield of Russian dissidents using only an Uzi, the memory of his dead commander and Louis Gosset Jr. Norris is also a master of hand-to-hand combat, clearly on show when he gets beaten stupid by Bruce Lee in “70s attempt to cash-in on Karate 9”. Norris is also familiar with hostile territory and insurgence techniques, having not only been held a POW in Vietnam in the touching documentary “Missing in Action”, but also possesses the strength of character to return for “my buddies, for America. For honour”, in the follow-up programme “Missing in Action 2”. Norris would also be able to go undercover utilising his native-disguise of a beard. His past as a bounty-hunting Texas Ranger may also be of use.
Should Norris be taken prisoner, he is more than able to fight bare-chested. Or with a sleeveless ripped GI shirt and headband, so sartorial mishaps will not stop his kung-fu madness.
Steven Segal:
A continued presence in the anti-terrorist fighting machine. Segal is not only a master of the pudgy-faced anger squint (a technique employed to strike fear into the hearts of those that have wronged him), but has also demonstrated ample culinary ability in the heartwarming tale of an American ex-CIA turned chef conquering terrorism aboard a boat, “Under Siege”. Segal is also experienced at culinary quipping onboard a speeding train, and has demonstrated his ability to ruthlessly flail at American based terrorists as well as shady Arab clichés – so he will not hesitate should a round-eye need taking down. There is one drawback to the inclusion of Segal in “The Justice Bus”, he seems only able to engage in mediocre kung-fu after either (a) awakening from a coma (b) avenging a family member’s death. So it may be necessary to beat him unconscious before rendering his entire family of fat-limbed kung-fu kids dead. Segal could prove a worthy addition to the Justice Bus, for not only does he possess adequate culinary skill but is also a country music musician, the re-incarnation of a Tibetan Priest and possessor of “an inner calm” that he can utilise before throwing fat-man kung fu shapes in various corridors and warehouses. Is a concerned environmentalist, as proved in “Fire Down Below”, where he receives first aid from a Native American, whom he thanks by bowing with his hands clasped under his multiple chins. He also asks “What can make a man change his soul?” before throwing a redneck through a window. He is expert in slow-motion violence (believe to be arthritic rather than dramatic), yet is a wise and thoughtful gut puncher.
These two highly-trained infomercial Warriors are sure to put America and, indeed, the entire peace-loving universe right where it belongs – in the position to dictate to other countries exactly what they can and cannot be allowed to possess in terms of weaponry, religion and fossilised dinosaur remains.
Despite the USA’s best “come out come out wherever you are” methods of locating the former world’s-most-wanted Arab Osama Bin Laden, “swift and uncompromising justice” has been less than forthcoming.
However, documents suggest that far from ignoring the “most evil man in the world”, as has been suggested by pretty much every person on the planet and the 7 remaining Afghans, plans are afoot to deliver righteous punishment.
But it’s not what you may think.
Instead of pumping billions into a Star Wars defense system (unable to stop hijacked planes or toxins), The Department of Justice has announced radical plans to form what it calls “The Justice Bus”.
Spokesman Aaron Spelling gave details:
”Bin is expecting thousands of troops. And bombs. And Bob Hope. Nope, we have assembled a team of commandos with years of experience to go in undercover and bring that Arab to justice. But not only shall a crack team be operating beyond the law, living in the shadowy underworld – but they’ll be taking a crime-fighting Bus with them. Think of Nightrider, but with a big-ass 18 Wheeler right? Like Sam Jones used to drive in The Highwayman.”
The crack team of government operatives were presented to the press in a big aircraft hanger. There were only two of them, but they would be enough.
Each had the steely, heroic glint of patriotic murderous pride in their eyes as they were announced to the presspack. It is with great pride that The US announces: The Terror Task-Force:
Chuck Norris:
His expertise with anti-terror tactics can clearly be witnessed in the Special Forces instructional video “Delta Force”. In this training aid, Norris demonstrates how to mow down an entire airfield of Russian dissidents using only an Uzi, the memory of his dead commander and Louis Gosset Jr. Norris is also a master of hand-to-hand combat, clearly on show when he gets beaten stupid by Bruce Lee in “70s attempt to cash-in on Karate 9”. Norris is also familiar with hostile territory and insurgence techniques, having not only been held a POW in Vietnam in the touching documentary “Missing in Action”, but also possesses the strength of character to return for “my buddies, for America. For honour”, in the follow-up programme “Missing in Action 2”. Norris would also be able to go undercover utilising his native-disguise of a beard. His past as a bounty-hunting Texas Ranger may also be of use.
Should Norris be taken prisoner, he is more than able to fight bare-chested. Or with a sleeveless ripped GI shirt and headband, so sartorial mishaps will not stop his kung-fu madness.
Steven Segal:
A continued presence in the anti-terrorist fighting machine. Segal is not only a master of the pudgy-faced anger squint (a technique employed to strike fear into the hearts of those that have wronged him), but has also demonstrated ample culinary ability in the heartwarming tale of an American ex-CIA turned chef conquering terrorism aboard a boat, “Under Siege”. Segal is also experienced at culinary quipping onboard a speeding train, and has demonstrated his ability to ruthlessly flail at American based terrorists as well as shady Arab clichés – so he will not hesitate should a round-eye need taking down. There is one drawback to the inclusion of Segal in “The Justice Bus”, he seems only able to engage in mediocre kung-fu after either (a) awakening from a coma (b) avenging a family member’s death. So it may be necessary to beat him unconscious before rendering his entire family of fat-limbed kung-fu kids dead. Segal could prove a worthy addition to the Justice Bus, for not only does he possess adequate culinary skill but is also a country music musician, the re-incarnation of a Tibetan Priest and possessor of “an inner calm” that he can utilise before throwing fat-man kung fu shapes in various corridors and warehouses. Is a concerned environmentalist, as proved in “Fire Down Below”, where he receives first aid from a Native American, whom he thanks by bowing with his hands clasped under his multiple chins. He also asks “What can make a man change his soul?” before throwing a redneck through a window. He is expert in slow-motion violence (believe to be arthritic rather than dramatic), yet is a wise and thoughtful gut puncher.
These two highly-trained infomercial Warriors are sure to put America and, indeed, the entire peace-loving universe right where it belongs – in the position to dictate to other countries exactly what they can and cannot be allowed to possess in terms of weaponry, religion and fossilised dinosaur remains.
Page: