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Realising the efforts in Afghanistan to locate, hunt and kill Osama Bin Laden were rubbish – reports leaked today to news agencies suggest a darker, more disturbing road to Shining Western Justice.
Despite the USA’s best “come out come out wherever you are” methods of locating the former world’s-most-wanted Arab Osama Bin Laden, “swift and uncompromising justice” has been less than forthcoming.
However, documents suggest that far from ignoring the “most evil man in the world”, as has been suggested by pretty much every person on the planet and the 7 remaining Afghans, plans are afoot to deliver righteous punishment.
But it’s not what you may think.
Instead of pumping billions into a Star Wars defense system (unable to stop hijacked planes or toxins), The Department of Justice has announced radical plans to form what it calls “The Justice Bus”.
Spokesman Aaron Spelling gave details:
”Bin is expecting thousands of troops. And bombs. And Bob Hope. Nope, we have assembled a team of commandos with years of experience to go in undercover and bring that Arab to justice. But not only shall a crack team be operating beyond the law, living in the shadowy underworld – but they’ll be taking a crime-fighting Bus with them. Think of Nightrider, but with a big-ass 18 Wheeler right? Like Sam Jones used to drive in The Highwayman.”
The crack team of government operatives were presented to the press in a big aircraft hanger. There were only two of them, but they would be enough.
Each had the steely, heroic glint of patriotic murderous pride in their eyes as they were announced to the presspack. It is with great pride that The US announces: The Terror Task-Force:
Chuck Norris:
His expertise with anti-terror tactics can clearly be witnessed in the Special Forces instructional video “Delta Force”. In this training aid, Norris demonstrates how to mow down an entire airfield of Russian dissidents using only an Uzi, the memory of his dead commander and Louis Gosset Jr. Norris is also a master of hand-to-hand combat, clearly on show when he gets beaten stupid by Bruce Lee in “70s attempt to cash-in on Karate 9”. Norris is also familiar with hostile territory and insurgence techniques, having not only been held a POW in Vietnam in the touching documentary “Missing in Action”, but also possesses the strength of character to return for “my buddies, for America. For honour”, in the follow-up programme “Missing in Action 2”. Norris would also be able to go undercover utilising his native-disguise of a beard. His past as a bounty-hunting Texas Ranger may also be of use.
Should Norris be taken prisoner, he is more than able to fight bare-chested. Or with a sleeveless ripped GI shirt and headband, so sartorial mishaps will not stop his kung-fu madness.
Steven Segal:
A continued presence in the anti-terrorist fighting machine. Segal is not only a master of the pudgy-faced anger squint (a technique employed to strike fear into the hearts of those that have wronged him), but has also demonstrated ample culinary ability in the heartwarming tale of an American ex-CIA turned chef conquering terrorism aboard a boat, “Under Siege”. Segal is also experienced at culinary quipping onboard a speeding train, and has demonstrated his ability to ruthlessly flail at American based terrorists as well as shady Arab clichés – so he will not hesitate should a round-eye need taking down. There is one drawback to the inclusion of Segal in “The Justice Bus”, he seems only able to engage in mediocre kung-fu after either (a) awakening from a coma (b) avenging a family member’s death. So it may be necessary to beat him unconscious before rendering his entire family of fat-limbed kung-fu kids dead. Segal could prove a worthy addition to the Justice Bus, for not only does he possess adequate culinary skill but is also a country music musician, the re-incarnation of a Tibetan Priest and possessor of “an inner calm” that he can utilise before throwing fat-man kung fu shapes in various corridors and warehouses. Is a concerned environmentalist, as proved in “Fire Down Below”, where he receives first aid from a Native American, whom he thanks by bowing with his hands clasped under his multiple chins. He also asks “What can make a man change his soul?” before throwing a redneck through a window. He is expert in slow-motion violence (believe to be arthritic rather than dramatic), yet is a wise and thoughtful gut puncher.
These two highly-trained infomercial Warriors are sure to put America and, indeed, the entire peace-loving universe right where it belongs – in the position to dictate to other countries exactly what they can and cannot be allowed to possess in terms of weaponry, religion and fossilised dinosaur remains.
Despite the USA’s best “come out come out wherever you are” methods of locating the former world’s-most-wanted Arab Osama Bin Laden, “swift and uncompromising justice” has been less than forthcoming.
However, documents suggest that far from ignoring the “most evil man in the world”, as has been suggested by pretty much every person on the planet and the 7 remaining Afghans, plans are afoot to deliver righteous punishment.
But it’s not what you may think.
Instead of pumping billions into a Star Wars defense system (unable to stop hijacked planes or toxins), The Department of Justice has announced radical plans to form what it calls “The Justice Bus”.
Spokesman Aaron Spelling gave details:
”Bin is expecting thousands of troops. And bombs. And Bob Hope. Nope, we have assembled a team of commandos with years of experience to go in undercover and bring that Arab to justice. But not only shall a crack team be operating beyond the law, living in the shadowy underworld – but they’ll be taking a crime-fighting Bus with them. Think of Nightrider, but with a big-ass 18 Wheeler right? Like Sam Jones used to drive in The Highwayman.”
The crack team of government operatives were presented to the press in a big aircraft hanger. There were only two of them, but they would be enough.
Each had the steely, heroic glint of patriotic murderous pride in their eyes as they were announced to the presspack. It is with great pride that The US announces: The Terror Task-Force:
Chuck Norris:
His expertise with anti-terror tactics can clearly be witnessed in the Special Forces instructional video “Delta Force”. In this training aid, Norris demonstrates how to mow down an entire airfield of Russian dissidents using only an Uzi, the memory of his dead commander and Louis Gosset Jr. Norris is also a master of hand-to-hand combat, clearly on show when he gets beaten stupid by Bruce Lee in “70s attempt to cash-in on Karate 9”. Norris is also familiar with hostile territory and insurgence techniques, having not only been held a POW in Vietnam in the touching documentary “Missing in Action”, but also possesses the strength of character to return for “my buddies, for America. For honour”, in the follow-up programme “Missing in Action 2”. Norris would also be able to go undercover utilising his native-disguise of a beard. His past as a bounty-hunting Texas Ranger may also be of use.
Should Norris be taken prisoner, he is more than able to fight bare-chested. Or with a sleeveless ripped GI shirt and headband, so sartorial mishaps will not stop his kung-fu madness.
Steven Segal:
A continued presence in the anti-terrorist fighting machine. Segal is not only a master of the pudgy-faced anger squint (a technique employed to strike fear into the hearts of those that have wronged him), but has also demonstrated ample culinary ability in the heartwarming tale of an American ex-CIA turned chef conquering terrorism aboard a boat, “Under Siege”. Segal is also experienced at culinary quipping onboard a speeding train, and has demonstrated his ability to ruthlessly flail at American based terrorists as well as shady Arab clichés – so he will not hesitate should a round-eye need taking down. There is one drawback to the inclusion of Segal in “The Justice Bus”, he seems only able to engage in mediocre kung-fu after either (a) awakening from a coma (b) avenging a family member’s death. So it may be necessary to beat him unconscious before rendering his entire family of fat-limbed kung-fu kids dead. Segal could prove a worthy addition to the Justice Bus, for not only does he possess adequate culinary skill but is also a country music musician, the re-incarnation of a Tibetan Priest and possessor of “an inner calm” that he can utilise before throwing fat-man kung fu shapes in various corridors and warehouses. Is a concerned environmentalist, as proved in “Fire Down Below”, where he receives first aid from a Native American, whom he thanks by bowing with his hands clasped under his multiple chins. He also asks “What can make a man change his soul?” before throwing a redneck through a window. He is expert in slow-motion violence (believe to be arthritic rather than dramatic), yet is a wise and thoughtful gut puncher.
These two highly-trained infomercial Warriors are sure to put America and, indeed, the entire peace-loving universe right where it belongs – in the position to dictate to other countries exactly what they can and cannot be allowed to possess in terms of weaponry, religion and fossilised dinosaur remains.
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Goatboy wrote:
> This would be the greatest immoral and unsanctioned miltary action
> evah.
>
> Chuck, Steve, Colombo & Quincy all aboard The Justice Bus.
*****
What...No mate called Ugly? I'm disapointed.
> This would be the greatest immoral and unsanctioned miltary action
> evah.
>
> Chuck, Steve, Colombo & Quincy all aboard The Justice Bus.
*****
What...No mate called Ugly? I'm disapointed.
Before wiping his mostache.
The sagacious one wrote:
> Also to keep up moral the Bang Bus should also be deployed...
---
The Times reports that Saddam Hussein has surrendered following the cackling and shameful laughter of an individual known only as "Ugly".
His accomplice, Dirty Sanchez, refused to comment save for one statement "Yeah beeyatch..hahahahaha".
Hussein was last seen standing by the side of the main through-road of Baghdad pulling up his pants and shaking his fist at the fast retreating UN Bus.
> Also to keep up moral the Bang Bus should also be deployed...
---
The Times reports that Saddam Hussein has surrendered following the cackling and shameful laughter of an individual known only as "Ugly".
His accomplice, Dirty Sanchez, refused to comment save for one statement "Yeah beeyatch..hahahahaha".
Hussein was last seen standing by the side of the main through-road of Baghdad pulling up his pants and shaking his fist at the fast retreating UN Bus.
unknown kernel wrote:
> You can't have the doctor from Diagnosis Murder, because he brings an
> entourage of less talented Van D!kes with him.
Kinda like Saddam with all his impersonators around him ............. AHA!!!! so that's where he is. Not in Baghdad at all but on a popular tv series
> You can't have the doctor from Diagnosis Murder, because he brings an
> entourage of less talented Van D!kes with him.
Kinda like Saddam with all his impersonators around him ............. AHA!!!! so that's where he is. Not in Baghdad at all but on a popular tv series
Just send in Jesse Ventura with that gattling gun of his, 'ol painless, and the war will be over in days.
Also to keep up moral the Bang Bus should also be deployed...
Also to keep up moral the Bang Bus should also be deployed...
You can't have the doctor from Diagnosis Murder, because he brings an entourage of less talented Van D!kes with him.
Series One: Dick Van D!ke saves the world.
Series Two: Dick is joined by rugged policeman Barry Van D!ke. World saved again.
Series Three: Another unspecified Van D!ke joins the cast, Billy or something. Junior doctor assists in world saving.
Series Four: Dick van D!ke demands a walk on part for his sperm.
It would all get too confusing. You don't want Chuck slipping on a Van D!ke, not with his temper.
[Note to swear filter: Dick Van D!ke is not offensive or abusive language]
Series One: Dick Van D!ke saves the world.
Series Two: Dick is joined by rugged policeman Barry Van D!ke. World saved again.
Series Three: Another unspecified Van D!ke joins the cast, Billy or something. Junior doctor assists in world saving.
Series Four: Dick van D!ke demands a walk on part for his sperm.
It would all get too confusing. You don't want Chuck slipping on a Van D!ke, not with his temper.
[Note to swear filter: Dick Van D!ke is not offensive or abusive language]
Excellent.
And in tbe background, Norris stands with his hands on his hips nodding and Segal squints lustily at the pies.
"Now you see there's still just one thing I couldn't work out... it really had me stumped, I tell you, you stumped me good... how did you manage to send those pictures of you from inside the caves, when you weren't even there at all?"
"You're in over your head, Columbo."
"I think we should leave -that- for the courts to decide."
"Keep out of this, Quincy."
"You're in over your head, Columbo."
"I think we should leave -that- for the courts to decide."
"Keep out of this, Quincy."
damn how could i forget the A-Team. Trapped behind enemy lines? No problem with a couple blades of grass and a cup of sand they can build a stealth bomber, drop a payload on Saddam and get the hell outta there. Now i pity the fool who stands up to that team.
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