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"Insults: Evolved"

There are 6 billion people on this earth, and we're becoming a nasty bunch. Pretty much everyone hates everyone else, and even the people we do like we eventually have a go at at some point or other.

Because of this sort of attitude, swear words have become almost common place. Many of these colloquial, sex-related words are now massively over-utilised.

I'm sure you know what I mean. How many times have you called or been called by someone a "stupid *alternative word for sex*" or an "annoying *alternative word for female genetalia*"? Plenty, I'm guessing. Now, however inventive some of these words may seem, they are in fact little more than standard and boring. There's nothing clever about calling someone one of these names.

I intend to teach you a way of insulting people that will bring about far greater satisfaction than any method you currently use. For the kids amongst us, insults you can use against your parents with a good bet that even THEY don't know what you're talking about - and therefore are less likely to give you a thick lip for having said it.

Without further ado, let us begin the lesson I shall call "Insults: Evolved"


Lesson 1.1 - Dirt
==================
You can call someone every name under the sun, but the first thing that really hits home is calling someone "dirty". No-one likes to be thought of as generally unclean. So a good thing to put in an insult somewhere - usually the start - is a word like "dirty" or "filthy". Filthy is good here. Filthy is our friend. Calling someone a "buffoon" is nice, but when it becomes "filthy buffoon", it becomes far more personal. You're not just saying they're clumsy, you're saying they're clumsy as well as unclean. Dirty. Unpleasant. Being called a buffoon can happen everyday, but it's not everyday that you're attacked on your hygiene. This is good stuff.

Remember though, that "dirty" is well exercised in a thesaurus, and there are several alternatives, some of them quite excellent. Among these are "grubby", "foul" and my personal favourite "squalid". Be inventive.



Lesson 1.2 - Use of Nouns
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Insults usually comprise far too often of "stupid this" and "annoying that" and "expletive the other". This is just unacceptable. There is hardly an english teacher in the land that won't tell you that this sort of language is indicative of a small vocabulary. So let's work on it a little. Let's say we intend to call someone an idiot:

"Stupid idiot" is the norm, and where we're starting from, but surely we can be a little more descriptive and more harsh than "idiot". A greatly over-used word, and we can do better than that!

Idiot is used for everything, if someone lacks common-sense, you call them an idiot. If they are clumsy, you call them an idiot. Unintelligent, you call them an idiot.

It's time to split out our insults.

If someone is stupid, make sure you let them know. Good words to call such people would be "imbicile", "fool", "ignoramus", "cretin" or "simpleton". If someone is clumsy: "buffoon", "dullard" or a favorite of mine "oaf". People who do things which lack common sense or culture can be called "moron", "outcast", "peasant" or "philistine".

And don't forget to take a dig at their hygiene by starting with a "dirt" word. "dirty oaf", "filthy cretin" and "squalid peasant" are excellent examples.



Lesson 1.3 - insult to injury
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If you're hurling insults at someone, you usually want to exaggerate a little. Add a few things which the insultee may not have exhibited, but may be warranted due to the offence which occurs the insult. Or you might just want to drag out your insult a little for good measure. For this we want a good number of adjectives to call on. A few for every occaision.

For example, you're going to call someone a cretin, because he/she is stupid. Well, there are several descriptive words we could use to add weight to the insult. Words like "ignorant", "insipid" and "dull". For advanced users, words like "asinine" and "fatuous" can be brought to call.

Clumsy people get the lavish treatment of having words like "unwieldy", "bungling", "maladroit" and "inept" thrown at them like weapons.

With this in mind, we can now construct insults such as "filthy, pig-ignorant buffoon" and "foul bungling oaf". Of course, you can add several more words to make something really tasty like "Squalid foul-mouthed insipid fatuous imbicile" and such.




This should be a good enough start for you all. Experiment, try different combinations, see what really rolls off your tongue.

Now go. Play. Have fun.

IB

This laughable so-called guideline for insults really isn't up to scratch, plus the replies of imbeciles trying their hand at a master's game is pathetic, with the word "fetid" overly used and the whole thing reeking of people who try to hard. You are all filthy damnable time-wasters, who are only classed as part of the human race by default.

And you all smell a bit.

My favourite is to imply that "they" were crying like a "gay baby" when I proved them wrong about something. That really annoys people.

You rancid, boil-infested transvestite.

...and you're a putrescent slack-jawed dullard as well.

Heh. This is fun.

SHEEPY wrote:
> naw u shut it ya complete and utter bawbag who smells like ma gran

This one, however, needs special attention. Being sat in front of the teacher's desk with a dunces cap ought to suit the simple-minded peasant.

That's it, my children, absorb those words.

naw u shut it ya complete and utter bawbag who smells like ma gran

SHEEPY wrote:
> 'stupid idiot' - Double negative surely, therefore the person is
> smart.

Nah. They're just two words with the same meaning, rather than negatives, you festering somnolent simpleton.

Insane Bartender wrote:
> Gangsta Hamsta wrote:
> Why thank you, you filthy, obnoxious leper
>
> you're welcome, you miserable squalid fettering buffoon.

Four words in one insult eh? Thats typical of a slimey, facetious cretin

Gangsta Hamsta wrote:
> Why thank you, you filthy, obnoxious leper

you're welcome, you miserable squalid fettering buffoon.