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In case you missed part 1 and 2, which are now parts 4 and 5 (e.g. Star Wars) here’s a brief summary:
EPISODE IV - A NEW GOAT
Sniper is a special agent for the USRN (United Special Reserve Nations) and a father to a family of 16 kids and husband to Mystique - an hideous woman who likes to spank monkeys, but has a rather nice rack.
The USRN’s president, Tony, a big gay poof, sends urgent news to Sniper telling of the reappearance of Shaneo in the South Atlantic - now known as SmellyBadger - and that Stryke has massed his forces of Newbieclear subs on the Brazilian coast.
Dr Snuggly, the USRN’s informant, told of Shaneo’s plans to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel’s Sound of Silence before falling asleep.
So, the family of assassins, as they are known, set off to stop Smellybadger. Sniper gives him a darn good banning with the special banning-button hidden in the head of a polystyrene monkey, Stryke’s attacks fails, but he manages to escape with the SmellyBadger’s lifeless body, and everyone goes back to Tony’s for some fish fingers.
EPISODE V - STRYKE STRIKES BACK.
Sniper sits drowning his sorrows at the Boots’ pharmacy counter with Tixy-Lix, Cocaine and a slice of apple when Mystique shows up. She tells her husband she has run away with none other than........ *dum-dum dummmmmm* Stryke - Sniper’s arch enemy. The pharmacist reveals himself as El Blokey - one of Stryke’s men - and kidnaps Mystique for spilling info on Stryke’s evil plot. Sniper is left all alone with only a bottle of mouthwash to his name. And half the kids.
At home, Sniper discovers Stryke has his wife’s polystyrene monkey holding his banning button. Ultima Weapon summons him to Tony’s side as Stryke plans his attack using the banning button and a new hat made from SmellyBadger’s body.
A slice of pizza later and Stryke is at the USRN base launching the attack. He directs the banning-button infused Smellybadger towards ssxpro who had turned up for no apparent reason. But at the same time Goatboy, Sniper and Myst’s newest child, spray’s his father’s mouthwash. The beam of banning gets cleansed by the mouthwash and becomes a beam of promotion, making ssxpro a notable. Tony quickly rectifies this.
Stryke escapes with the new secret that banning can be turned into promotions with mouthwash and the polystyrene monkey.
Myst is very sad of the news that her monkey is gone, she cries, various things jiggle.
The End
Until now.
Presenting!
A FinalFantasyFanatic production,
*********************
EPISODE VI - RETURN OF THE REDDY.
**********************
PROLOGUE
There was a new tough-guy in town.
Everyone loved him, this mysterious stranger. He walked the street in robes which he said were gold but looked more like the colour of week-old cat sick. He had turned everyone’s hearts towards him and was now changing the world’s currency. The Dollar disappeared, the Pound p*ssed off, the Ruble was repossessed, the Franc fettered away and the Euro ... well, it never really counted anyway.
Everyone was using Reddies.
And everyone loved them.
If you got 5 Reddies you could get anything you wanted. A loaf of bread, some milk, a new car, Canada, anything. But getting hold of them was the only problem.
If you did what the mysterious stranger told you to you would get a number of Reddies to use.
And he would ask anything.
Anything
Get him a house : 17 Reddies
Pick his nose : 9 Reddies
Build a scale model of Big Ben out of pick ‘n’ mix from Woolworths : 1 Reddy
Dress up as a cactus and spank some deaf nuns with a frozen salmon : 10 Reddies
Throw a flat-pack pine bookcase from Argos over 13.85 meters, blindfolded, standing on hot coals, whilst peeling an orange and singing jungle bells: 19 Reddies
Anything.
The man was unstoppable, he could make anyone do anything.
And if they didn’t then he’d ............... he’d.................... he’d ......................well, he’d find someone who would.
********************************
The residence of the family of assassins was quiet for a moment. Well, it was quiet to those who lived there. For those who didn’t it was only quiet when the incessant screams of pain and torture, gunfire, artillery-fire, ambulance sirens and shouts of “SPAANKK MYYYY MON-MON-MONKEYYYY!” from that hideous woman with the nice rack stopped.
Ant, Rasta, Pro-Evo, pb, YH, Sibs and Edgy were playing a new game. It had turned out well so far, only three limbs lost and four near-fatal flesh wounds. One of them would hide a proximity mine somewhere in the house and the others would try and find it. The first one to get close enough to set it off it the winner.
Sniper was happy. It kept them busy
But he was not happy with the noise.
Mystique had got a pipe organ.
It was only 5 Reddies at the shop. But then again, so was everything else. And she’d only had to paint a moustache and glasses on the Statue of Liberty for the man with the golden robes. To be honest, she wasn’t very good although her commendable assets did jiggle somewhat as she bounced up and down on the pedals, which was an advantage.
“Myst!” shouted Sniper, one of pb’s feet flew past his ear. “Stop that racket! You might damage the kids, you know. Lethal weaponry is one thing, but bad music is totally un-called for!”
The music stopped and Mystique jogged athletically, to Sniper’s enjoyment, down the stairs.
“It might come in (ooo-oo SPANK) handy, you know,” she said. “What’s a great battle or a duel of minds without some (mon-monkay SPANKing) atmospheric organ music? I’ve always wanted one, and now anything’s easy to get. (Oo-OOOooo)”
“I don’t like this Reddy nonsense. It seems too easy, this man has basically taken over the world and no one has tried to stop him. I’d like to look into that.”
A letter fell through the letterbox. Sniper read it:
“ Dear Sniper, Mystique and The Kids, hope all is well.
It’s about this Reddy nonsense - I don’t like it. That man in gold had practically taken over the world and no one has tried to stop him. I’d like to look into that.
There’s 100 Reddies in the envelope to get you places. Don’t ask how I acquired them, but I’ve been walking funny ever since. Come to the USRN Headquarters at once.
Hugs and Kisses,
Tony ”
“See?” Sniper jeered at his wife’s rack, “Let’s go.”
Sniper, Mystique, Ant, Rasta, KR, Dringo, Edgy, Sibs, Armatige, Afrojoe, Meka, Goatboy, Starlight, YH, Pro Evo, Aliboy, pb and er-no somehow fitted into the standard army-issue Volvo. For the first time in his service Sniper had gone on a mission without his wife’s polystyrene monkey, holding his banning button of power - Stryke had run off with it during their last encounter. He had said he’d come back and rule the world as a Notable, but nothing had arisen so far.
****
There was an organ on the plane, suitable called a Dodo, and Mystique was ‘playing’ it. The only thing Notables cannot stand is bad music.
Sniper was a Notable.
Myst played bad music.
He wasn’t very happy.
Nor were a lot of the children who had themselves inherited the Notable gene. Firing the light aircraft’s mounted guns at birds lost their interest, so did breaking Goatboy’s (the youngest) fingers.
It was a relief to finally get off the plane at the USRN headquarters on the East-African coast, the smell of sick had almost become unbearable. What greeted them made most of the kids throw up once again.
Tony had got worse.
He was some kind of freakish hybrid of Dale Winton, Lily Savage a pink poodle, princess Barbie, some cute little kittens in a basket playing with some balls of wool and a bag of dog crap. He was barely visible under fluffy pink stuff and glittery, shiny materials and his voice was so high that any male within 100 feet would wince and put a protective hand over their genitalia. The inch-thick layer of make-up over his face brought out all his wrinkles. Mystique realised Tony was actually getting on quite a bit. Maybe madness was setting in in his old age.
The base was the same - illumines pink with bows tied around it and pictures of ponies stuck to the walls. Sniper gagged.
“Tony! What have you done!?” He shouted, the glittery silver bits everywhere blinding him.
“Oh! Snipie dear, welcome! And Mystie-poo, how are you? And the lovely, lovely kids.” He smiled and his more-than-white teeth audibly went ‘ping!’ in their brightness. He looked himself up and down. “What? This?”
“Yeesssss,” Sniper ushered.
“Well,” Tony looked sad, “Recent events have reminded me of my dark, secret past which has not been mentioned before because the writer hadn’t thought of it and will probably provide an exiting new depth to both characters and plot later in the story plus some rather amusing sections leading to an increase in the reader’s interest, or so he hopes. So I’ve decided to delve even further into my feminine side.” He put one hand on his hip and stuck out his chest. Sniper’s eyes bulged.
“Are those ... erm ... breasts, Tony?” He gulped.
“These little things?” Tony grinned, “Why, yes, they are! So kind of you to notice, Snipie.” He shot a jealous look at Mystique’s rather fine rack. She had all the luck. Stupid b*tch.
“Let’s go see Dr. Snuggly, eh? He’ll fill you all in.”
“Woken up, then?” Sniper asked. During his run-in with SmellyBadger Dr. Snuggly had fallen asleep and not woken up since. Until now, obviously
As they walked through the base’s halls all the kids were repeatedly sick.
“Do you like what I’ve done with the place?” Tony chirped, “I got that poofy bloke off Changing Rooms to do it,” he glanced around then lowered his voice. “Between us, I think he may be gay!” He winked and one of his false eyelashes fell off.
Dr Snuggly should have been dead.
In fact, most people thought he was.
He had made a small office in the stationary cupboard where he’d spoken to Sniper about SmellyBadger’s evil plot and hadn’t moved since. He probably couldn’t if he tried; he was so arthritic that he needed a regular oiling, but usually stayed in one place for three or four weeks at a time. At the moment there was a packet of highlighters wedged up his a***-crack.
“S.n.i.p.e.r,” he stammered in-between breaths, “s.s.x.p.r.o h.a.s g.o.t a.b.o.v.e h.i.s s.t.a.t.i.o.n. E.v.e.r s.i.n.c.e S.t.r.y.k.e a.c.c.i.d.e.n.t.l.y t.u.r.n.e.d h.i.m i.n.t.o a N.o.t.a.b.l.e a.n.d t.h.e.n T.o.n.y c.h.a.n.g.e.d h.i.m b.a.c.k h.e h.a.s. b.e.e.n a b.i.t o.f a p.r.i.c.k.” He grasped him chest in agony, the effort was killing him. Tony slapped him hard on the back (the doctor’s spine cracked in several places) then pinched his bum.
“To summarise,” Tony continued, “ssxpro has got above his station. Ever since Stryke accidentally turned him into a Notable then I changed him back he has been a bit of a pr*ck –,” Dr Snuggly sighed an exasperated sigh and collapsed on the floor into several open boxes of staples. “- So we want you to take him down.”
“A banning?” Sniper questioned
“No, no. You’ve no banning button anyway, have you? Just a firm slap on the buttocks should sort him out. Say he’ll be Newbiefied if he continues, okay? I’d love to come but I’ve got engagements here,” he grinned provocatively and something vibrated furiously in his pocket. Sniper’s eyes widened and he sprinted out the office, clearing his mind of any mental pictures forming.
“He’s in Egypt, Snipie!” Tony called after him. Mystique quickly gathered the kids and walked after her husband. Goatboy had somehow crammed most of the stationary into his upwardly orifices and down his Y-Fronts. A long ruler went in one ear and out the other.
******
The Dodo touched down on a pyramid.
I say touched down, I mean bumped into.
I say bumped into, I mean crashed and exploded in a giant fireball sending many, many limbs flying in various directions and Mystique stop playing the organ she has installed into the plane. Everyone was very happy.
Except KR, who had a finger in his eye - with nothing on the other end.
Tony had nicely sent Sniper a text:
“Snpr, e’s n da bg pyrmd wid da bg gld mnky n da tp. Lk arund da bk - wtch 4 trps n da wlls, thy’ll prbbly kll u. Gd luk. Mssn u alrdy.”
“Huh?” Sniper put forth. He stared at the phone for a few more minutes, brain ticking overtime, then threw it on the floor, stamped on it, spat at it and called it something rude, “Aaaaaaaeeeeeeiiiiiiiiooooouuuuuu!” He shouted, “They’re called vowels! Use em!”
“Monkey!!! Mon-mon-monkey! SP-SPANK!” Mystique shouted, gyrating a fair bit and pointing at a small pyramid with a big gold monkey on it. She ran forward towards her heaven as Sniper looked at his.
Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy.
****
The pyramid was dark and dingy, full of dust, rocks and deadly traps. They would staple you to the wall then give you a bad haircut, steal your socks, laugh at your nose, brush your teeth with Colgate, cut the crotch out your trousers, paint your nails black, pierce anything they could get a hold of and nick all your loose change.
At least they would have done, Sniper just held Goatboy in the way - he didn’t seem to mind so much.
They finally emerged in a lower cavern. It was well-lit from small torches hung from the ceiling, wide and open - the ceiling following the triangular shape of the outer walls, sloping down to the ground. In the missile of the cavern was a large stone chair. Nicely padded with leather - a phone in one arm, fridge in the other, three massage settings and a host of strange buttons.
And all over the walls were these strange symbols. The were squares, circles, crosses, triangles, cubes, 3D ‘N’s, spirals, big ‘X’s and a whole host of other symbols (can’t think of any others as it happens). They ran from wall to wall, floor to ceiling.
In one corner, a small figure hunches over a sting of symbols, noting things down in a small book. It was ssxpro.
“Hey!” Sniper yelled, breaking the silence. “Tony sent me. Now, what ‘av we got ‘ere, eh?”
The figure turned slowly, his face veiled in darkness, pen clutched protectively.
“Oh, hello chaps. Fancy a spot of tea? I’ve just been deciphering these symbols here, very odd, wot wot? Stryke asked me to, said he’d make me a Notable again. Jolly nice fellow.”
“Oh.” Sniper sighed. He’d got all working up for a right proper telling off, now there was nothing except a very polite sidekick and a load of weird symbols. “Well, as I’m here. What do the symbols mean?”
“Ah! Most interesting. They tell of the great Reddy take over of yesteryear. Before the Reddy saga of today another had tried it. A great Reddy Master named Ytont had set about to rule the world, his evil plans had almost come together when everyone realised how stupid they were. He got a bit annoyed, came back to his hideout here and wrote everything down in this code. And guess what?”
“What?” Everyone chanted.
“He was Stryke’s father!.” He took off his small spectacles and polished them.
“No! Don’t touch that!”
A Goatboy, quite new, bad condition had climbed into the chair in the middle of the chamber. He pressed a few of the buttons and things started whirring.
“The luckily little –,” ssxpro gasped, “I’ve been trying for months to do that. Blummin kids!”
The walls slid slowly upwards, the sound of grating stone filled everyone’s ears. Behind the walls were rows of TV monitors showing views over different parts of the world; there was piles and piles of Reddies (which Mystique started stuffing into her bra); the matted, bloodied hide of a rather smelly badger; a bottle of mouthwash; a polystyrene monkey (which Mystique also shoved in her bra) and a neat row of golden-green cat-sick coloured robes dangled from their hangers.
“Oooohhhhh!” Sniper said, stroking the robes, “Stryke’s the robed man with the Reddies. That must mean he HAS become a Notable - hence these robes and practically taken over the world. Why didn’t he tell us? That’s just not fair.”
“I could have told you that,” ssxpro said, “It’s a bit obvious - like father like son. Ytont first, then Stryke - a tradition you might say. You only needed to ask.”
Sniper sighed impatiently.
He glanced over at one of the monitors and gasped (a kind of ‘huuuurrrnnnn’ sound.) It showed the USRN headquarters in all it’s luminous pink glory. A robed man stood outside surveying the scene then stepped in through a small, fluffy side-entrance, stopped by no-one.
Sniper gasped again, “He’s used a Reddy Mind-Trick, the swine! Let’s go!” He didn’t go. Mystique’s rack had somehow got even bigger. He caught his breath, that girl was as ugly as a baboon, but what a rack.
“I’ve got a heli out back, my good man. You can kindly borrow that - but it’s only a Sparrow, a two seater.” ssxpro piped up, hoping he was out of trouble whilst stroking a golden-robe’s sleeve affectionately.
“No problem, we’ll manage.” The family of assassins left.
********
In one of those weird time-lapses that happen occasionally in films or books (where the hero has 10 seconds to defuse a bomb, but takes a few minutes to kill an evil henchman, then saves the world with a second to spare. Or when there’s a laser beam heading up between the hero’s legs at a staggering speed but still the evil doctor has the time to tell him his evil plans, the leave the room before the hero escapes just as his trousers are getting warm.) A helicopter landed at the USRN Headquarters just as the fluffy door closed behind Stryke.
Mystique and Sniper stepped out from the heli, determined looks on their faces. And as the rotors slowed, 16 terrified kids fell from them, sick looks on their faces.
Another time-lapse later and the family burst in on Tony and Stryke who had just told the hideously camp USRN leader that he was the one controlling the world with Reddies and had come to get his revenge for a evil past deed of Tony’s (he also liked his new breasts).
“What happened, Stryke, happened a very long time ago. I was young and stupid. I regret ever moment of it - but it wasn’t my fault!” Tony shouted, his implants jiggling.
“Not your fault! YOU KILLED MY FATHER!” Stryke struck back. Everyone gasped.
Sniper ordered an espresso from a nearby butler.
Mystique ran for the nearest organ. She rammed at the keys, trying to produce a tense atmosphere in the room. Five of her kid’s eardrums exploded.
“NO!” Tony screamed (literally, like a little girl) he collapsed on the floor, sobbing into his hands. “I AM your father,” he whispered through his fingers. “Isn’t it obvious! Ytont backwards is Tonty - my pet name. I wasn’t killed, I was just so ashamed by what I’d done I went into hiding. Then it started. I listened to Abba, went to dancing lessons, played the flute - everything. Then when I heard of the Reddies coming around again - I did this!” he stroked one of his breasts, Mystique scowled and poked her chest out, Sniper reassured her.
“You have to kill me!” Tony, Ytont shouted. “Look what I’ve become, I can’t live like this anymore! You must end my suffering, son! Kill me, Stryke! Kill me now!”
“No,” Stryke muttered, “My father, strange though you are - I could never kill you.”
“Smelly!” Ytont shouted.
“Oi, you little scrotum!” Stryke retorted
“Big nose poo-poo pants!”
Stryke ‘grrrrrrred’
“Willy-face spotty bum!”
“I’m gonna kill you!” Stryke yelled. Ytont smiled, then his nose exploded and something ruptured in his stomach. He let go, happy, and disappeared as if an enemy in some kid’s platfromer. “Where’d he go! I’m gonna beat him sooo bad.”
“Stryke,” Sniper stepped forward, finishing off his espresso. “He’s gone. What are you going to do? There’s no-one left to fight against. No revenge to gain now you know the truth. I never wanted to keep foiling your ridiculous plans. It’s over.”
Stryke sighed, all tension leaving his body. “Yes, your right. I’ve finished. I just wanted to be like my father - to be a Notable, strong and powerful. And I did a good job getting rid of all those stupid Newbies. MYST! Shut the hell up!”
Sniper’s eyebrows wrinkled in thought. “Yes, you did, didn’t you? I’ve always hated those spamming little idiots, you did well. Your father should have been proud. Let’s go ban some, eh? I’ll buy you a drink.”
Stryke sighed and took his golden robe off. False Notability was not his style. One day he’d be a proper Notable and get some respect properly, not like this.
“Sure thing, tiger,” Stryke smiled a familiar smile and stroked Sniper’s bum. “Let’s go.”
“Like father, like son,” Sniper muttered, he shrugged and slipped his hand into Stryke’s.
Mystique frowned and stuck her chest out. “Ooohh-ohhh, spank my monkey?” She inquired.
“Don’t mind if I do,” said the butler, “I’ve a large organ in my department, you know.”
AND SO IT ENDS.
A SLIGHTLY SICK SILENCES FALLS UPON THE WORLD AT LAST.
AND, THOUGH TONY IS GONE, HIS MEMORY LIVES ON IN STRYKE, WHO’S GETTING A BOOB-JOB NEXT SUMMER.
*******
THE END
*******
Ithankyouverymuch,
FFF
(Look out - episodes 1, 2 and 3 coming soon!)
EPISODE IV - A NEW GOAT
Sniper is a special agent for the USRN (United Special Reserve Nations) and a father to a family of 16 kids and husband to Mystique - an hideous woman who likes to spank monkeys, but has a rather nice rack.
The USRN’s president, Tony, a big gay poof, sends urgent news to Sniper telling of the reappearance of Shaneo in the South Atlantic - now known as SmellyBadger - and that Stryke has massed his forces of Newbieclear subs on the Brazilian coast.
Dr Snuggly, the USRN’s informant, told of Shaneo’s plans to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel’s Sound of Silence before falling asleep.
So, the family of assassins, as they are known, set off to stop Smellybadger. Sniper gives him a darn good banning with the special banning-button hidden in the head of a polystyrene monkey, Stryke’s attacks fails, but he manages to escape with the SmellyBadger’s lifeless body, and everyone goes back to Tony’s for some fish fingers.
EPISODE V - STRYKE STRIKES BACK.
Sniper sits drowning his sorrows at the Boots’ pharmacy counter with Tixy-Lix, Cocaine and a slice of apple when Mystique shows up. She tells her husband she has run away with none other than........ *dum-dum dummmmmm* Stryke - Sniper’s arch enemy. The pharmacist reveals himself as El Blokey - one of Stryke’s men - and kidnaps Mystique for spilling info on Stryke’s evil plot. Sniper is left all alone with only a bottle of mouthwash to his name. And half the kids.
At home, Sniper discovers Stryke has his wife’s polystyrene monkey holding his banning button. Ultima Weapon summons him to Tony’s side as Stryke plans his attack using the banning button and a new hat made from SmellyBadger’s body.
A slice of pizza later and Stryke is at the USRN base launching the attack. He directs the banning-button infused Smellybadger towards ssxpro who had turned up for no apparent reason. But at the same time Goatboy, Sniper and Myst’s newest child, spray’s his father’s mouthwash. The beam of banning gets cleansed by the mouthwash and becomes a beam of promotion, making ssxpro a notable. Tony quickly rectifies this.
Stryke escapes with the new secret that banning can be turned into promotions with mouthwash and the polystyrene monkey.
Myst is very sad of the news that her monkey is gone, she cries, various things jiggle.
The End
Until now.
Presenting!
A FinalFantasyFanatic production,
*********************
EPISODE VI - RETURN OF THE REDDY.
**********************
PROLOGUE
There was a new tough-guy in town.
Everyone loved him, this mysterious stranger. He walked the street in robes which he said were gold but looked more like the colour of week-old cat sick. He had turned everyone’s hearts towards him and was now changing the world’s currency. The Dollar disappeared, the Pound p*ssed off, the Ruble was repossessed, the Franc fettered away and the Euro ... well, it never really counted anyway.
Everyone was using Reddies.
And everyone loved them.
If you got 5 Reddies you could get anything you wanted. A loaf of bread, some milk, a new car, Canada, anything. But getting hold of them was the only problem.
If you did what the mysterious stranger told you to you would get a number of Reddies to use.
And he would ask anything.
Anything
Get him a house : 17 Reddies
Pick his nose : 9 Reddies
Build a scale model of Big Ben out of pick ‘n’ mix from Woolworths : 1 Reddy
Dress up as a cactus and spank some deaf nuns with a frozen salmon : 10 Reddies
Throw a flat-pack pine bookcase from Argos over 13.85 meters, blindfolded, standing on hot coals, whilst peeling an orange and singing jungle bells: 19 Reddies
Anything.
The man was unstoppable, he could make anyone do anything.
And if they didn’t then he’d ............... he’d.................... he’d ......................well, he’d find someone who would.
********************************
The residence of the family of assassins was quiet for a moment. Well, it was quiet to those who lived there. For those who didn’t it was only quiet when the incessant screams of pain and torture, gunfire, artillery-fire, ambulance sirens and shouts of “SPAANKK MYYYY MON-MON-MONKEYYYY!” from that hideous woman with the nice rack stopped.
Ant, Rasta, Pro-Evo, pb, YH, Sibs and Edgy were playing a new game. It had turned out well so far, only three limbs lost and four near-fatal flesh wounds. One of them would hide a proximity mine somewhere in the house and the others would try and find it. The first one to get close enough to set it off it the winner.
Sniper was happy. It kept them busy
But he was not happy with the noise.
Mystique had got a pipe organ.
It was only 5 Reddies at the shop. But then again, so was everything else. And she’d only had to paint a moustache and glasses on the Statue of Liberty for the man with the golden robes. To be honest, she wasn’t very good although her commendable assets did jiggle somewhat as she bounced up and down on the pedals, which was an advantage.
“Myst!” shouted Sniper, one of pb’s feet flew past his ear. “Stop that racket! You might damage the kids, you know. Lethal weaponry is one thing, but bad music is totally un-called for!”
The music stopped and Mystique jogged athletically, to Sniper’s enjoyment, down the stairs.
“It might come in (ooo-oo SPANK) handy, you know,” she said. “What’s a great battle or a duel of minds without some (mon-monkay SPANKing) atmospheric organ music? I’ve always wanted one, and now anything’s easy to get. (Oo-OOOooo)”
“I don’t like this Reddy nonsense. It seems too easy, this man has basically taken over the world and no one has tried to stop him. I’d like to look into that.”
A letter fell through the letterbox. Sniper read it:
“ Dear Sniper, Mystique and The Kids, hope all is well.
It’s about this Reddy nonsense - I don’t like it. That man in gold had practically taken over the world and no one has tried to stop him. I’d like to look into that.
There’s 100 Reddies in the envelope to get you places. Don’t ask how I acquired them, but I’ve been walking funny ever since. Come to the USRN Headquarters at once.
Hugs and Kisses,
Tony ”
“See?” Sniper jeered at his wife’s rack, “Let’s go.”
Sniper, Mystique, Ant, Rasta, KR, Dringo, Edgy, Sibs, Armatige, Afrojoe, Meka, Goatboy, Starlight, YH, Pro Evo, Aliboy, pb and er-no somehow fitted into the standard army-issue Volvo. For the first time in his service Sniper had gone on a mission without his wife’s polystyrene monkey, holding his banning button of power - Stryke had run off with it during their last encounter. He had said he’d come back and rule the world as a Notable, but nothing had arisen so far.
****
There was an organ on the plane, suitable called a Dodo, and Mystique was ‘playing’ it. The only thing Notables cannot stand is bad music.
Sniper was a Notable.
Myst played bad music.
He wasn’t very happy.
Nor were a lot of the children who had themselves inherited the Notable gene. Firing the light aircraft’s mounted guns at birds lost their interest, so did breaking Goatboy’s (the youngest) fingers.
It was a relief to finally get off the plane at the USRN headquarters on the East-African coast, the smell of sick had almost become unbearable. What greeted them made most of the kids throw up once again.
Tony had got worse.
He was some kind of freakish hybrid of Dale Winton, Lily Savage a pink poodle, princess Barbie, some cute little kittens in a basket playing with some balls of wool and a bag of dog crap. He was barely visible under fluffy pink stuff and glittery, shiny materials and his voice was so high that any male within 100 feet would wince and put a protective hand over their genitalia. The inch-thick layer of make-up over his face brought out all his wrinkles. Mystique realised Tony was actually getting on quite a bit. Maybe madness was setting in in his old age.
The base was the same - illumines pink with bows tied around it and pictures of ponies stuck to the walls. Sniper gagged.
“Tony! What have you done!?” He shouted, the glittery silver bits everywhere blinding him.
“Oh! Snipie dear, welcome! And Mystie-poo, how are you? And the lovely, lovely kids.” He smiled and his more-than-white teeth audibly went ‘ping!’ in their brightness. He looked himself up and down. “What? This?”
“Yeesssss,” Sniper ushered.
“Well,” Tony looked sad, “Recent events have reminded me of my dark, secret past which has not been mentioned before because the writer hadn’t thought of it and will probably provide an exiting new depth to both characters and plot later in the story plus some rather amusing sections leading to an increase in the reader’s interest, or so he hopes. So I’ve decided to delve even further into my feminine side.” He put one hand on his hip and stuck out his chest. Sniper’s eyes bulged.
“Are those ... erm ... breasts, Tony?” He gulped.
“These little things?” Tony grinned, “Why, yes, they are! So kind of you to notice, Snipie.” He shot a jealous look at Mystique’s rather fine rack. She had all the luck. Stupid b*tch.
“Let’s go see Dr. Snuggly, eh? He’ll fill you all in.”
“Woken up, then?” Sniper asked. During his run-in with SmellyBadger Dr. Snuggly had fallen asleep and not woken up since. Until now, obviously
As they walked through the base’s halls all the kids were repeatedly sick.
“Do you like what I’ve done with the place?” Tony chirped, “I got that poofy bloke off Changing Rooms to do it,” he glanced around then lowered his voice. “Between us, I think he may be gay!” He winked and one of his false eyelashes fell off.
Dr Snuggly should have been dead.
In fact, most people thought he was.
He had made a small office in the stationary cupboard where he’d spoken to Sniper about SmellyBadger’s evil plot and hadn’t moved since. He probably couldn’t if he tried; he was so arthritic that he needed a regular oiling, but usually stayed in one place for three or four weeks at a time. At the moment there was a packet of highlighters wedged up his a***-crack.
“S.n.i.p.e.r,” he stammered in-between breaths, “s.s.x.p.r.o h.a.s g.o.t a.b.o.v.e h.i.s s.t.a.t.i.o.n. E.v.e.r s.i.n.c.e S.t.r.y.k.e a.c.c.i.d.e.n.t.l.y t.u.r.n.e.d h.i.m i.n.t.o a N.o.t.a.b.l.e a.n.d t.h.e.n T.o.n.y c.h.a.n.g.e.d h.i.m b.a.c.k h.e h.a.s. b.e.e.n a b.i.t o.f a p.r.i.c.k.” He grasped him chest in agony, the effort was killing him. Tony slapped him hard on the back (the doctor’s spine cracked in several places) then pinched his bum.
“To summarise,” Tony continued, “ssxpro has got above his station. Ever since Stryke accidentally turned him into a Notable then I changed him back he has been a bit of a pr*ck –,” Dr Snuggly sighed an exasperated sigh and collapsed on the floor into several open boxes of staples. “- So we want you to take him down.”
“A banning?” Sniper questioned
“No, no. You’ve no banning button anyway, have you? Just a firm slap on the buttocks should sort him out. Say he’ll be Newbiefied if he continues, okay? I’d love to come but I’ve got engagements here,” he grinned provocatively and something vibrated furiously in his pocket. Sniper’s eyes widened and he sprinted out the office, clearing his mind of any mental pictures forming.
“He’s in Egypt, Snipie!” Tony called after him. Mystique quickly gathered the kids and walked after her husband. Goatboy had somehow crammed most of the stationary into his upwardly orifices and down his Y-Fronts. A long ruler went in one ear and out the other.
******
The Dodo touched down on a pyramid.
I say touched down, I mean bumped into.
I say bumped into, I mean crashed and exploded in a giant fireball sending many, many limbs flying in various directions and Mystique stop playing the organ she has installed into the plane. Everyone was very happy.
Except KR, who had a finger in his eye - with nothing on the other end.
Tony had nicely sent Sniper a text:
“Snpr, e’s n da bg pyrmd wid da bg gld mnky n da tp. Lk arund da bk - wtch 4 trps n da wlls, thy’ll prbbly kll u. Gd luk. Mssn u alrdy.”
“Huh?” Sniper put forth. He stared at the phone for a few more minutes, brain ticking overtime, then threw it on the floor, stamped on it, spat at it and called it something rude, “Aaaaaaaeeeeeeiiiiiiiiooooouuuuuu!” He shouted, “They’re called vowels! Use em!”
“Monkey!!! Mon-mon-monkey! SP-SPANK!” Mystique shouted, gyrating a fair bit and pointing at a small pyramid with a big gold monkey on it. She ran forward towards her heaven as Sniper looked at his.
Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy.
****
The pyramid was dark and dingy, full of dust, rocks and deadly traps. They would staple you to the wall then give you a bad haircut, steal your socks, laugh at your nose, brush your teeth with Colgate, cut the crotch out your trousers, paint your nails black, pierce anything they could get a hold of and nick all your loose change.
At least they would have done, Sniper just held Goatboy in the way - he didn’t seem to mind so much.
They finally emerged in a lower cavern. It was well-lit from small torches hung from the ceiling, wide and open - the ceiling following the triangular shape of the outer walls, sloping down to the ground. In the missile of the cavern was a large stone chair. Nicely padded with leather - a phone in one arm, fridge in the other, three massage settings and a host of strange buttons.
And all over the walls were these strange symbols. The were squares, circles, crosses, triangles, cubes, 3D ‘N’s, spirals, big ‘X’s and a whole host of other symbols (can’t think of any others as it happens). They ran from wall to wall, floor to ceiling.
In one corner, a small figure hunches over a sting of symbols, noting things down in a small book. It was ssxpro.
“Hey!” Sniper yelled, breaking the silence. “Tony sent me. Now, what ‘av we got ‘ere, eh?”
The figure turned slowly, his face veiled in darkness, pen clutched protectively.
“Oh, hello chaps. Fancy a spot of tea? I’ve just been deciphering these symbols here, very odd, wot wot? Stryke asked me to, said he’d make me a Notable again. Jolly nice fellow.”
“Oh.” Sniper sighed. He’d got all working up for a right proper telling off, now there was nothing except a very polite sidekick and a load of weird symbols. “Well, as I’m here. What do the symbols mean?”
“Ah! Most interesting. They tell of the great Reddy take over of yesteryear. Before the Reddy saga of today another had tried it. A great Reddy Master named Ytont had set about to rule the world, his evil plans had almost come together when everyone realised how stupid they were. He got a bit annoyed, came back to his hideout here and wrote everything down in this code. And guess what?”
“What?” Everyone chanted.
“He was Stryke’s father!.” He took off his small spectacles and polished them.
“No! Don’t touch that!”
A Goatboy, quite new, bad condition had climbed into the chair in the middle of the chamber. He pressed a few of the buttons and things started whirring.
“The luckily little –,” ssxpro gasped, “I’ve been trying for months to do that. Blummin kids!”
The walls slid slowly upwards, the sound of grating stone filled everyone’s ears. Behind the walls were rows of TV monitors showing views over different parts of the world; there was piles and piles of Reddies (which Mystique started stuffing into her bra); the matted, bloodied hide of a rather smelly badger; a bottle of mouthwash; a polystyrene monkey (which Mystique also shoved in her bra) and a neat row of golden-green cat-sick coloured robes dangled from their hangers.
“Oooohhhhh!” Sniper said, stroking the robes, “Stryke’s the robed man with the Reddies. That must mean he HAS become a Notable - hence these robes and practically taken over the world. Why didn’t he tell us? That’s just not fair.”
“I could have told you that,” ssxpro said, “It’s a bit obvious - like father like son. Ytont first, then Stryke - a tradition you might say. You only needed to ask.”
Sniper sighed impatiently.
He glanced over at one of the monitors and gasped (a kind of ‘huuuurrrnnnn’ sound.) It showed the USRN headquarters in all it’s luminous pink glory. A robed man stood outside surveying the scene then stepped in through a small, fluffy side-entrance, stopped by no-one.
Sniper gasped again, “He’s used a Reddy Mind-Trick, the swine! Let’s go!” He didn’t go. Mystique’s rack had somehow got even bigger. He caught his breath, that girl was as ugly as a baboon, but what a rack.
“I’ve got a heli out back, my good man. You can kindly borrow that - but it’s only a Sparrow, a two seater.” ssxpro piped up, hoping he was out of trouble whilst stroking a golden-robe’s sleeve affectionately.
“No problem, we’ll manage.” The family of assassins left.
********
In one of those weird time-lapses that happen occasionally in films or books (where the hero has 10 seconds to defuse a bomb, but takes a few minutes to kill an evil henchman, then saves the world with a second to spare. Or when there’s a laser beam heading up between the hero’s legs at a staggering speed but still the evil doctor has the time to tell him his evil plans, the leave the room before the hero escapes just as his trousers are getting warm.) A helicopter landed at the USRN Headquarters just as the fluffy door closed behind Stryke.
Mystique and Sniper stepped out from the heli, determined looks on their faces. And as the rotors slowed, 16 terrified kids fell from them, sick looks on their faces.
Another time-lapse later and the family burst in on Tony and Stryke who had just told the hideously camp USRN leader that he was the one controlling the world with Reddies and had come to get his revenge for a evil past deed of Tony’s (he also liked his new breasts).
“What happened, Stryke, happened a very long time ago. I was young and stupid. I regret ever moment of it - but it wasn’t my fault!” Tony shouted, his implants jiggling.
“Not your fault! YOU KILLED MY FATHER!” Stryke struck back. Everyone gasped.
Sniper ordered an espresso from a nearby butler.
Mystique ran for the nearest organ. She rammed at the keys, trying to produce a tense atmosphere in the room. Five of her kid’s eardrums exploded.
“NO!” Tony screamed (literally, like a little girl) he collapsed on the floor, sobbing into his hands. “I AM your father,” he whispered through his fingers. “Isn’t it obvious! Ytont backwards is Tonty - my pet name. I wasn’t killed, I was just so ashamed by what I’d done I went into hiding. Then it started. I listened to Abba, went to dancing lessons, played the flute - everything. Then when I heard of the Reddies coming around again - I did this!” he stroked one of his breasts, Mystique scowled and poked her chest out, Sniper reassured her.
“You have to kill me!” Tony, Ytont shouted. “Look what I’ve become, I can’t live like this anymore! You must end my suffering, son! Kill me, Stryke! Kill me now!”
“No,” Stryke muttered, “My father, strange though you are - I could never kill you.”
“Smelly!” Ytont shouted.
“Oi, you little scrotum!” Stryke retorted
“Big nose poo-poo pants!”
Stryke ‘grrrrrrred’
“Willy-face spotty bum!”
“I’m gonna kill you!” Stryke yelled. Ytont smiled, then his nose exploded and something ruptured in his stomach. He let go, happy, and disappeared as if an enemy in some kid’s platfromer. “Where’d he go! I’m gonna beat him sooo bad.”
“Stryke,” Sniper stepped forward, finishing off his espresso. “He’s gone. What are you going to do? There’s no-one left to fight against. No revenge to gain now you know the truth. I never wanted to keep foiling your ridiculous plans. It’s over.”
Stryke sighed, all tension leaving his body. “Yes, your right. I’ve finished. I just wanted to be like my father - to be a Notable, strong and powerful. And I did a good job getting rid of all those stupid Newbies. MYST! Shut the hell up!”
Sniper’s eyebrows wrinkled in thought. “Yes, you did, didn’t you? I’ve always hated those spamming little idiots, you did well. Your father should have been proud. Let’s go ban some, eh? I’ll buy you a drink.”
Stryke sighed and took his golden robe off. False Notability was not his style. One day he’d be a proper Notable and get some respect properly, not like this.
“Sure thing, tiger,” Stryke smiled a familiar smile and stroked Sniper’s bum. “Let’s go.”
“Like father, like son,” Sniper muttered, he shrugged and slipped his hand into Stryke’s.
Mystique frowned and stuck her chest out. “Ooohh-ohhh, spank my monkey?” She inquired.
“Don’t mind if I do,” said the butler, “I’ve a large organ in my department, you know.”
AND SO IT ENDS.
A SLIGHTLY SICK SILENCES FALLS UPON THE WORLD AT LAST.
AND, THOUGH TONY IS GONE, HIS MEMORY LIVES ON IN STRYKE, WHO’S GETTING A BOOB-JOB NEXT SUMMER.
*******
THE END
*******
Ithankyouverymuch,
FFF
(Look out - episodes 1, 2 and 3 coming soon!)
Page:
Haha, excellent.
Top stuff.
Top stuff.
In case you missed part 1 and 2, which are now parts 4 and 5 (e.g. Star Wars) here’s a brief summary:
EPISODE IV - A NEW GOAT
Sniper is a special agent for the USRN (United Special Reserve Nations) and a father to a family of 16 kids and husband to Mystique - an hideous woman who likes to spank monkeys, but has a rather nice rack.
The USRN’s president, Tony, a big gay poof, sends urgent news to Sniper telling of the reappearance of Shaneo in the South Atlantic - now known as SmellyBadger - and that Stryke has massed his forces of Newbieclear subs on the Brazilian coast.
Dr Snuggly, the USRN’s informant, told of Shaneo’s plans to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel’s Sound of Silence before falling asleep.
So, the family of assassins, as they are known, set off to stop Smellybadger. Sniper gives him a darn good banning with the special banning-button hidden in the head of a polystyrene monkey, Stryke’s attacks fails, but he manages to escape with the SmellyBadger’s lifeless body, and everyone goes back to Tony’s for some fish fingers.
EPISODE V - STRYKE STRIKES BACK.
Sniper sits drowning his sorrows at the Boots’ pharmacy counter with Tixy-Lix, Cocaine and a slice of apple when Mystique shows up. She tells her husband she has run away with none other than........ *dum-dum dummmmmm* Stryke - Sniper’s arch enemy. The pharmacist reveals himself as El Blokey - one of Stryke’s men - and kidnaps Mystique for spilling info on Stryke’s evil plot. Sniper is left all alone with only a bottle of mouthwash to his name. And half the kids.
At home, Sniper discovers Stryke has his wife’s polystyrene monkey holding his banning button. Ultima Weapon summons him to Tony’s side as Stryke plans his attack using the banning button and a new hat made from SmellyBadger’s body.
A slice of pizza later and Stryke is at the USRN base launching the attack. He directs the banning-button infused Smellybadger towards ssxpro who had turned up for no apparent reason. But at the same time Goatboy, Sniper and Myst’s newest child, spray’s his father’s mouthwash. The beam of banning gets cleansed by the mouthwash and becomes a beam of promotion, making ssxpro a notable. Tony quickly rectifies this.
Stryke escapes with the new secret that banning can be turned into promotions with mouthwash and the polystyrene monkey.
Myst is very sad of the news that her monkey is gone, she cries, various things jiggle.
The End
Until now.
Presenting!
A FinalFantasyFanatic production,
*********************
EPISODE VI - RETURN OF THE REDDY.
**********************
PROLOGUE
There was a new tough-guy in town.
Everyone loved him, this mysterious stranger. He walked the street in robes which he said were gold but looked more like the colour of week-old cat sick. He had turned everyone’s hearts towards him and was now changing the world’s currency. The Dollar disappeared, the Pound p*ssed off, the Ruble was repossessed, the Franc fettered away and the Euro ... well, it never really counted anyway.
Everyone was using Reddies.
And everyone loved them.
If you got 5 Reddies you could get anything you wanted. A loaf of bread, some milk, a new car, Canada, anything. But getting hold of them was the only problem.
If you did what the mysterious stranger told you to you would get a number of Reddies to use.
And he would ask anything.
Anything
Get him a house : 17 Reddies
Pick his nose : 9 Reddies
Build a scale model of Big Ben out of pick ‘n’ mix from Woolworths : 1 Reddy
Dress up as a cactus and spank some deaf nuns with a frozen salmon : 10 Reddies
Throw a flat-pack pine bookcase from Argos over 13.85 meters, blindfolded, standing on hot coals, whilst peeling an orange and singing jungle bells: 19 Reddies
Anything.
The man was unstoppable, he could make anyone do anything.
And if they didn’t then he’d ............... he’d.................... he’d ......................well, he’d find someone who would.
********************************
The residence of the family of assassins was quiet for a moment. Well, it was quiet to those who lived there. For those who didn’t it was only quiet when the incessant screams of pain and torture, gunfire, artillery-fire, ambulance sirens and shouts of “SPAANKK MYYYY MON-MON-MONKEYYYY!” from that hideous woman with the nice rack stopped.
Ant, Rasta, Pro-Evo, pb, YH, Sibs and Edgy were playing a new game. It had turned out well so far, only three limbs lost and four near-fatal flesh wounds. One of them would hide a proximity mine somewhere in the house and the others would try and find it. The first one to get close enough to set it off it the winner.
Sniper was happy. It kept them busy
But he was not happy with the noise.
Mystique had got a pipe organ.
It was only 5 Reddies at the shop. But then again, so was everything else. And she’d only had to paint a moustache and glasses on the Statue of Liberty for the man with the golden robes. To be honest, she wasn’t very good although her commendable assets did jiggle somewhat as she bounced up and down on the pedals, which was an advantage.
“Myst!” shouted Sniper, one of pb’s feet flew past his ear. “Stop that racket! You might damage the kids, you know. Lethal weaponry is one thing, but bad music is totally un-called for!”
The music stopped and Mystique jogged athletically, to Sniper’s enjoyment, down the stairs.
“It might come in (ooo-oo SPANK) handy, you know,” she said. “What’s a great battle or a duel of minds without some (mon-monkay SPANKing) atmospheric organ music? I’ve always wanted one, and now anything’s easy to get. (Oo-OOOooo)”
“I don’t like this Reddy nonsense. It seems too easy, this man has basically taken over the world and no one has tried to stop him. I’d like to look into that.”
A letter fell through the letterbox. Sniper read it:
“ Dear Sniper, Mystique and The Kids, hope all is well.
It’s about this Reddy nonsense - I don’t like it. That man in gold had practically taken over the world and no one has tried to stop him. I’d like to look into that.
There’s 100 Reddies in the envelope to get you places. Don’t ask how I acquired them, but I’ve been walking funny ever since. Come to the USRN Headquarters at once.
Hugs and Kisses,
Tony ”
“See?” Sniper jeered at his wife’s rack, “Let’s go.”
Sniper, Mystique, Ant, Rasta, KR, Dringo, Edgy, Sibs, Armatige, Afrojoe, Meka, Goatboy, Starlight, YH, Pro Evo, Aliboy, pb and er-no somehow fitted into the standard army-issue Volvo. For the first time in his service Sniper had gone on a mission without his wife’s polystyrene monkey, holding his banning button of power - Stryke had run off with it during their last encounter. He had said he’d come back and rule the world as a Notable, but nothing had arisen so far.
****
There was an organ on the plane, suitable called a Dodo, and Mystique was ‘playing’ it. The only thing Notables cannot stand is bad music.
Sniper was a Notable.
Myst played bad music.
He wasn’t very happy.
Nor were a lot of the children who had themselves inherited the Notable gene. Firing the light aircraft’s mounted guns at birds lost their interest, so did breaking Goatboy’s (the youngest) fingers.
It was a relief to finally get off the plane at the USRN headquarters on the East-African coast, the smell of sick had almost become unbearable. What greeted them made most of the kids throw up once again.
Tony had got worse.
He was some kind of freakish hybrid of Dale Winton, Lily Savage a pink poodle, princess Barbie, some cute little kittens in a basket playing with some balls of wool and a bag of dog crap. He was barely visible under fluffy pink stuff and glittery, shiny materials and his voice was so high that any male within 100 feet would wince and put a protective hand over their genitalia. The inch-thick layer of make-up over his face brought out all his wrinkles. Mystique realised Tony was actually getting on quite a bit. Maybe madness was setting in in his old age.
The base was the same - illumines pink with bows tied around it and pictures of ponies stuck to the walls. Sniper gagged.
“Tony! What have you done!?” He shouted, the glittery silver bits everywhere blinding him.
“Oh! Snipie dear, welcome! And Mystie-poo, how are you? And the lovely, lovely kids.” He smiled and his more-than-white teeth audibly went ‘ping!’ in their brightness. He looked himself up and down. “What? This?”
“Yeesssss,” Sniper ushered.
“Well,” Tony looked sad, “Recent events have reminded me of my dark, secret past which has not been mentioned before because the writer hadn’t thought of it and will probably provide an exiting new depth to both characters and plot later in the story plus some rather amusing sections leading to an increase in the reader’s interest, or so he hopes. So I’ve decided to delve even further into my feminine side.” He put one hand on his hip and stuck out his chest. Sniper’s eyes bulged.
“Are those ... erm ... breasts, Tony?” He gulped.
“These little things?” Tony grinned, “Why, yes, they are! So kind of you to notice, Snipie.” He shot a jealous look at Mystique’s rather fine rack. She had all the luck. Stupid b*tch.
“Let’s go see Dr. Snuggly, eh? He’ll fill you all in.”
“Woken up, then?” Sniper asked. During his run-in with SmellyBadger Dr. Snuggly had fallen asleep and not woken up since. Until now, obviously
As they walked through the base’s halls all the kids were repeatedly sick.
“Do you like what I’ve done with the place?” Tony chirped, “I got that poofy bloke off Changing Rooms to do it,” he glanced around then lowered his voice. “Between us, I think he may be gay!” He winked and one of his false eyelashes fell off.
Dr Snuggly should have been dead.
In fact, most people thought he was.
He had made a small office in the stationary cupboard where he’d spoken to Sniper about SmellyBadger’s evil plot and hadn’t moved since. He probably couldn’t if he tried; he was so arthritic that he needed a regular oiling, but usually stayed in one place for three or four weeks at a time. At the moment there was a packet of highlighters wedged up his a***-crack.
“S.n.i.p.e.r,” he stammered in-between breaths, “s.s.x.p.r.o h.a.s g.o.t a.b.o.v.e h.i.s s.t.a.t.i.o.n. E.v.e.r s.i.n.c.e S.t.r.y.k.e a.c.c.i.d.e.n.t.l.y t.u.r.n.e.d h.i.m i.n.t.o a N.o.t.a.b.l.e a.n.d t.h.e.n T.o.n.y c.h.a.n.g.e.d h.i.m b.a.c.k h.e h.a.s. b.e.e.n a b.i.t o.f a p.r.i.c.k.” He grasped him chest in agony, the effort was killing him. Tony slapped him hard on the back (the doctor’s spine cracked in several places) then pinched his bum.
“To summarise,” Tony continued, “ssxpro has got above his station. Ever since Stryke accidentally turned him into a Notable then I changed him back he has been a bit of a pr*ck –,” Dr Snuggly sighed an exasperated sigh and collapsed on the floor into several open boxes of staples. “- So we want you to take him down.”
“A banning?” Sniper questioned
“No, no. You’ve no banning button anyway, have you? Just a firm slap on the buttocks should sort him out. Say he’ll be Newbiefied if he continues, okay? I’d love to come but I’ve got engagements here,” he grinned provocatively and something vibrated furiously in his pocket. Sniper’s eyes widened and he sprinted out the office, clearing his mind of any mental pictures forming.
“He’s in Egypt, Snipie!” Tony called after him. Mystique quickly gathered the kids and walked after her husband. Goatboy had somehow crammed most of the stationary into his upwardly orifices and down his Y-Fronts. A long ruler went in one ear and out the other.
******
The Dodo touched down on a pyramid.
I say touched down, I mean bumped into.
I say bumped into, I mean crashed and exploded in a giant fireball sending many, many limbs flying in various directions and Mystique stop playing the organ she has installed into the plane. Everyone was very happy.
Except KR, who had a finger in his eye - with nothing on the other end.
Tony had nicely sent Sniper a text:
“Snpr, e’s n da bg pyrmd wid da bg gld mnky n da tp. Lk arund da bk - wtch 4 trps n da wlls, thy’ll prbbly kll u. Gd luk. Mssn u alrdy.”
“Huh?” Sniper put forth. He stared at the phone for a few more minutes, brain ticking overtime, then threw it on the floor, stamped on it, spat at it and called it something rude, “Aaaaaaaeeeeeeiiiiiiiiooooouuuuuu!” He shouted, “They’re called vowels! Use em!”
“Monkey!!! Mon-mon-monkey! SP-SPANK!” Mystique shouted, gyrating a fair bit and pointing at a small pyramid with a big gold monkey on it. She ran forward towards her heaven as Sniper looked at his.
Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy.
****
The pyramid was dark and dingy, full of dust, rocks and deadly traps. They would staple you to the wall then give you a bad haircut, steal your socks, laugh at your nose, brush your teeth with Colgate, cut the crotch out your trousers, paint your nails black, pierce anything they could get a hold of and nick all your loose change.
At least they would have done, Sniper just held Goatboy in the way - he didn’t seem to mind so much.
They finally emerged in a lower cavern. It was well-lit from small torches hung from the ceiling, wide and open - the ceiling following the triangular shape of the outer walls, sloping down to the ground. In the missile of the cavern was a large stone chair. Nicely padded with leather - a phone in one arm, fridge in the other, three massage settings and a host of strange buttons.
And all over the walls were these strange symbols. The were squares, circles, crosses, triangles, cubes, 3D ‘N’s, spirals, big ‘X’s and a whole host of other symbols (can’t think of any others as it happens). They ran from wall to wall, floor to ceiling.
In one corner, a small figure hunches over a sting of symbols, noting things down in a small book. It was ssxpro.
“Hey!” Sniper yelled, breaking the silence. “Tony sent me. Now, what ‘av we got ‘ere, eh?”
The figure turned slowly, his face veiled in darkness, pen clutched protectively.
“Oh, hello chaps. Fancy a spot of tea? I’ve just been deciphering these symbols here, very odd, wot wot? Stryke asked me to, said he’d make me a Notable again. Jolly nice fellow.”
“Oh.” Sniper sighed. He’d got all working up for a right proper telling off, now there was nothing except a very polite sidekick and a load of weird symbols. “Well, as I’m here. What do the symbols mean?”
“Ah! Most interesting. They tell of the great Reddy take over of yesteryear. Before the Reddy saga of today another had tried it. A great Reddy Master named Ytont had set about to rule the world, his evil plans had almost come together when everyone realised how stupid they were. He got a bit annoyed, came back to his hideout here and wrote everything down in this code. And guess what?”
“What?” Everyone chanted.
“He was Stryke’s father!.” He took off his small spectacles and polished them.
“No! Don’t touch that!”
A Goatboy, quite new, bad condition had climbed into the chair in the middle of the chamber. He pressed a few of the buttons and things started whirring.
“The luckily little –,” ssxpro gasped, “I’ve been trying for months to do that. Blummin kids!”
The walls slid slowly upwards, the sound of grating stone filled everyone’s ears. Behind the walls were rows of TV monitors showing views over different parts of the world; there was piles and piles of Reddies (which Mystique started stuffing into her bra); the matted, bloodied hide of a rather smelly badger; a bottle of mouthwash; a polystyrene monkey (which Mystique also shoved in her bra) and a neat row of golden-green cat-sick coloured robes dangled from their hangers.
“Oooohhhhh!” Sniper said, stroking the robes, “Stryke’s the robed man with the Reddies. That must mean he HAS become a Notable - hence these robes and practically taken over the world. Why didn’t he tell us? That’s just not fair.”
“I could have told you that,” ssxpro said, “It’s a bit obvious - like father like son. Ytont first, then Stryke - a tradition you might say. You only needed to ask.”
Sniper sighed impatiently.
He glanced over at one of the monitors and gasped (a kind of ‘huuuurrrnnnn’ sound.) It showed the USRN headquarters in all it’s luminous pink glory. A robed man stood outside surveying the scene then stepped in through a small, fluffy side-entrance, stopped by no-one.
Sniper gasped again, “He’s used a Reddy Mind-Trick, the swine! Let’s go!” He didn’t go. Mystique’s rack had somehow got even bigger. He caught his breath, that girl was as ugly as a baboon, but what a rack.
“I’ve got a heli out back, my good man. You can kindly borrow that - but it’s only a Sparrow, a two seater.” ssxpro piped up, hoping he was out of trouble whilst stroking a golden-robe’s sleeve affectionately.
“No problem, we’ll manage.” The family of assassins left.
********
In one of those weird time-lapses that happen occasionally in films or books (where the hero has 10 seconds to defuse a bomb, but takes a few minutes to kill an evil henchman, then saves the world with a second to spare. Or when there’s a laser beam heading up between the hero’s legs at a staggering speed but still the evil doctor has the time to tell him his evil plans, the leave the room before the hero escapes just as his trousers are getting warm.) A helicopter landed at the USRN Headquarters just as the fluffy door closed behind Stryke.
Mystique and Sniper stepped out from the heli, determined looks on their faces. And as the rotors slowed, 16 terrified kids fell from them, sick looks on their faces.
Another time-lapse later and the family burst in on Tony and Stryke who had just told the hideously camp USRN leader that he was the one controlling the world with Reddies and had come to get his revenge for a evil past deed of Tony’s (he also liked his new breasts).
“What happened, Stryke, happened a very long time ago. I was young and stupid. I regret ever moment of it - but it wasn’t my fault!” Tony shouted, his implants jiggling.
“Not your fault! YOU KILLED MY FATHER!” Stryke struck back. Everyone gasped.
Sniper ordered an espresso from a nearby butler.
Mystique ran for the nearest organ. She rammed at the keys, trying to produce a tense atmosphere in the room. Five of her kid’s eardrums exploded.
“NO!” Tony screamed (literally, like a little girl) he collapsed on the floor, sobbing into his hands. “I AM your father,” he whispered through his fingers. “Isn’t it obvious! Ytont backwards is Tonty - my pet name. I wasn’t killed, I was just so ashamed by what I’d done I went into hiding. Then it started. I listened to Abba, went to dancing lessons, played the flute - everything. Then when I heard of the Reddies coming around again - I did this!” he stroked one of his breasts, Mystique scowled and poked her chest out, Sniper reassured her.
“You have to kill me!” Tony, Ytont shouted. “Look what I’ve become, I can’t live like this anymore! You must end my suffering, son! Kill me, Stryke! Kill me now!”
“No,” Stryke muttered, “My father, strange though you are - I could never kill you.”
“Smelly!” Ytont shouted.
“Oi, you little scrotum!” Stryke retorted
“Big nose poo-poo pants!”
Stryke ‘grrrrrrred’
“Willy-face spotty bum!”
“I’m gonna kill you!” Stryke yelled. Ytont smiled, then his nose exploded and something ruptured in his stomach. He let go, happy, and disappeared as if an enemy in some kid’s platfromer. “Where’d he go! I’m gonna beat him sooo bad.”
“Stryke,” Sniper stepped forward, finishing off his espresso. “He’s gone. What are you going to do? There’s no-one left to fight against. No revenge to gain now you know the truth. I never wanted to keep foiling your ridiculous plans. It’s over.”
Stryke sighed, all tension leaving his body. “Yes, your right. I’ve finished. I just wanted to be like my father - to be a Notable, strong and powerful. And I did a good job getting rid of all those stupid Newbies. MYST! Shut the hell up!”
Sniper’s eyebrows wrinkled in thought. “Yes, you did, didn’t you? I’ve always hated those spamming little idiots, you did well. Your father should have been proud. Let’s go ban some, eh? I’ll buy you a drink.”
Stryke sighed and took his golden robe off. False Notability was not his style. One day he’d be a proper Notable and get some respect properly, not like this.
“Sure thing, tiger,” Stryke smiled a familiar smile and stroked Sniper’s bum. “Let’s go.”
“Like father, like son,” Sniper muttered, he shrugged and slipped his hand into Stryke’s.
Mystique frowned and stuck her chest out. “Ooohh-ohhh, spank my monkey?” She inquired.
“Don’t mind if I do,” said the butler, “I’ve a large organ in my department, you know.”
AND SO IT ENDS.
A SLIGHTLY SICK SILENCES FALLS UPON THE WORLD AT LAST.
AND, THOUGH TONY IS GONE, HIS MEMORY LIVES ON IN STRYKE, WHO’S GETTING A BOOB-JOB NEXT SUMMER.
*******
THE END
*******
Ithankyouverymuch,
FFF
(Look out - episodes 1, 2 and 3 coming soon!)
EPISODE IV - A NEW GOAT
Sniper is a special agent for the USRN (United Special Reserve Nations) and a father to a family of 16 kids and husband to Mystique - an hideous woman who likes to spank monkeys, but has a rather nice rack.
The USRN’s president, Tony, a big gay poof, sends urgent news to Sniper telling of the reappearance of Shaneo in the South Atlantic - now known as SmellyBadger - and that Stryke has massed his forces of Newbieclear subs on the Brazilian coast.
Dr Snuggly, the USRN’s informant, told of Shaneo’s plans to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel’s Sound of Silence before falling asleep.
So, the family of assassins, as they are known, set off to stop Smellybadger. Sniper gives him a darn good banning with the special banning-button hidden in the head of a polystyrene monkey, Stryke’s attacks fails, but he manages to escape with the SmellyBadger’s lifeless body, and everyone goes back to Tony’s for some fish fingers.
EPISODE V - STRYKE STRIKES BACK.
Sniper sits drowning his sorrows at the Boots’ pharmacy counter with Tixy-Lix, Cocaine and a slice of apple when Mystique shows up. She tells her husband she has run away with none other than........ *dum-dum dummmmmm* Stryke - Sniper’s arch enemy. The pharmacist reveals himself as El Blokey - one of Stryke’s men - and kidnaps Mystique for spilling info on Stryke’s evil plot. Sniper is left all alone with only a bottle of mouthwash to his name. And half the kids.
At home, Sniper discovers Stryke has his wife’s polystyrene monkey holding his banning button. Ultima Weapon summons him to Tony’s side as Stryke plans his attack using the banning button and a new hat made from SmellyBadger’s body.
A slice of pizza later and Stryke is at the USRN base launching the attack. He directs the banning-button infused Smellybadger towards ssxpro who had turned up for no apparent reason. But at the same time Goatboy, Sniper and Myst’s newest child, spray’s his father’s mouthwash. The beam of banning gets cleansed by the mouthwash and becomes a beam of promotion, making ssxpro a notable. Tony quickly rectifies this.
Stryke escapes with the new secret that banning can be turned into promotions with mouthwash and the polystyrene monkey.
Myst is very sad of the news that her monkey is gone, she cries, various things jiggle.
The End
Until now.
Presenting!
A FinalFantasyFanatic production,
*********************
EPISODE VI - RETURN OF THE REDDY.
**********************
PROLOGUE
There was a new tough-guy in town.
Everyone loved him, this mysterious stranger. He walked the street in robes which he said were gold but looked more like the colour of week-old cat sick. He had turned everyone’s hearts towards him and was now changing the world’s currency. The Dollar disappeared, the Pound p*ssed off, the Ruble was repossessed, the Franc fettered away and the Euro ... well, it never really counted anyway.
Everyone was using Reddies.
And everyone loved them.
If you got 5 Reddies you could get anything you wanted. A loaf of bread, some milk, a new car, Canada, anything. But getting hold of them was the only problem.
If you did what the mysterious stranger told you to you would get a number of Reddies to use.
And he would ask anything.
Anything
Get him a house : 17 Reddies
Pick his nose : 9 Reddies
Build a scale model of Big Ben out of pick ‘n’ mix from Woolworths : 1 Reddy
Dress up as a cactus and spank some deaf nuns with a frozen salmon : 10 Reddies
Throw a flat-pack pine bookcase from Argos over 13.85 meters, blindfolded, standing on hot coals, whilst peeling an orange and singing jungle bells: 19 Reddies
Anything.
The man was unstoppable, he could make anyone do anything.
And if they didn’t then he’d ............... he’d.................... he’d ......................well, he’d find someone who would.
********************************
The residence of the family of assassins was quiet for a moment. Well, it was quiet to those who lived there. For those who didn’t it was only quiet when the incessant screams of pain and torture, gunfire, artillery-fire, ambulance sirens and shouts of “SPAANKK MYYYY MON-MON-MONKEYYYY!” from that hideous woman with the nice rack stopped.
Ant, Rasta, Pro-Evo, pb, YH, Sibs and Edgy were playing a new game. It had turned out well so far, only three limbs lost and four near-fatal flesh wounds. One of them would hide a proximity mine somewhere in the house and the others would try and find it. The first one to get close enough to set it off it the winner.
Sniper was happy. It kept them busy
But he was not happy with the noise.
Mystique had got a pipe organ.
It was only 5 Reddies at the shop. But then again, so was everything else. And she’d only had to paint a moustache and glasses on the Statue of Liberty for the man with the golden robes. To be honest, she wasn’t very good although her commendable assets did jiggle somewhat as she bounced up and down on the pedals, which was an advantage.
“Myst!” shouted Sniper, one of pb’s feet flew past his ear. “Stop that racket! You might damage the kids, you know. Lethal weaponry is one thing, but bad music is totally un-called for!”
The music stopped and Mystique jogged athletically, to Sniper’s enjoyment, down the stairs.
“It might come in (ooo-oo SPANK) handy, you know,” she said. “What’s a great battle or a duel of minds without some (mon-monkay SPANKing) atmospheric organ music? I’ve always wanted one, and now anything’s easy to get. (Oo-OOOooo)”
“I don’t like this Reddy nonsense. It seems too easy, this man has basically taken over the world and no one has tried to stop him. I’d like to look into that.”
A letter fell through the letterbox. Sniper read it:
“ Dear Sniper, Mystique and The Kids, hope all is well.
It’s about this Reddy nonsense - I don’t like it. That man in gold had practically taken over the world and no one has tried to stop him. I’d like to look into that.
There’s 100 Reddies in the envelope to get you places. Don’t ask how I acquired them, but I’ve been walking funny ever since. Come to the USRN Headquarters at once.
Hugs and Kisses,
Tony ”
“See?” Sniper jeered at his wife’s rack, “Let’s go.”
Sniper, Mystique, Ant, Rasta, KR, Dringo, Edgy, Sibs, Armatige, Afrojoe, Meka, Goatboy, Starlight, YH, Pro Evo, Aliboy, pb and er-no somehow fitted into the standard army-issue Volvo. For the first time in his service Sniper had gone on a mission without his wife’s polystyrene monkey, holding his banning button of power - Stryke had run off with it during their last encounter. He had said he’d come back and rule the world as a Notable, but nothing had arisen so far.
****
There was an organ on the plane, suitable called a Dodo, and Mystique was ‘playing’ it. The only thing Notables cannot stand is bad music.
Sniper was a Notable.
Myst played bad music.
He wasn’t very happy.
Nor were a lot of the children who had themselves inherited the Notable gene. Firing the light aircraft’s mounted guns at birds lost their interest, so did breaking Goatboy’s (the youngest) fingers.
It was a relief to finally get off the plane at the USRN headquarters on the East-African coast, the smell of sick had almost become unbearable. What greeted them made most of the kids throw up once again.
Tony had got worse.
He was some kind of freakish hybrid of Dale Winton, Lily Savage a pink poodle, princess Barbie, some cute little kittens in a basket playing with some balls of wool and a bag of dog crap. He was barely visible under fluffy pink stuff and glittery, shiny materials and his voice was so high that any male within 100 feet would wince and put a protective hand over their genitalia. The inch-thick layer of make-up over his face brought out all his wrinkles. Mystique realised Tony was actually getting on quite a bit. Maybe madness was setting in in his old age.
The base was the same - illumines pink with bows tied around it and pictures of ponies stuck to the walls. Sniper gagged.
“Tony! What have you done!?” He shouted, the glittery silver bits everywhere blinding him.
“Oh! Snipie dear, welcome! And Mystie-poo, how are you? And the lovely, lovely kids.” He smiled and his more-than-white teeth audibly went ‘ping!’ in their brightness. He looked himself up and down. “What? This?”
“Yeesssss,” Sniper ushered.
“Well,” Tony looked sad, “Recent events have reminded me of my dark, secret past which has not been mentioned before because the writer hadn’t thought of it and will probably provide an exiting new depth to both characters and plot later in the story plus some rather amusing sections leading to an increase in the reader’s interest, or so he hopes. So I’ve decided to delve even further into my feminine side.” He put one hand on his hip and stuck out his chest. Sniper’s eyes bulged.
“Are those ... erm ... breasts, Tony?” He gulped.
“These little things?” Tony grinned, “Why, yes, they are! So kind of you to notice, Snipie.” He shot a jealous look at Mystique’s rather fine rack. She had all the luck. Stupid b*tch.
“Let’s go see Dr. Snuggly, eh? He’ll fill you all in.”
“Woken up, then?” Sniper asked. During his run-in with SmellyBadger Dr. Snuggly had fallen asleep and not woken up since. Until now, obviously
As they walked through the base’s halls all the kids were repeatedly sick.
“Do you like what I’ve done with the place?” Tony chirped, “I got that poofy bloke off Changing Rooms to do it,” he glanced around then lowered his voice. “Between us, I think he may be gay!” He winked and one of his false eyelashes fell off.
Dr Snuggly should have been dead.
In fact, most people thought he was.
He had made a small office in the stationary cupboard where he’d spoken to Sniper about SmellyBadger’s evil plot and hadn’t moved since. He probably couldn’t if he tried; he was so arthritic that he needed a regular oiling, but usually stayed in one place for three or four weeks at a time. At the moment there was a packet of highlighters wedged up his a***-crack.
“S.n.i.p.e.r,” he stammered in-between breaths, “s.s.x.p.r.o h.a.s g.o.t a.b.o.v.e h.i.s s.t.a.t.i.o.n. E.v.e.r s.i.n.c.e S.t.r.y.k.e a.c.c.i.d.e.n.t.l.y t.u.r.n.e.d h.i.m i.n.t.o a N.o.t.a.b.l.e a.n.d t.h.e.n T.o.n.y c.h.a.n.g.e.d h.i.m b.a.c.k h.e h.a.s. b.e.e.n a b.i.t o.f a p.r.i.c.k.” He grasped him chest in agony, the effort was killing him. Tony slapped him hard on the back (the doctor’s spine cracked in several places) then pinched his bum.
“To summarise,” Tony continued, “ssxpro has got above his station. Ever since Stryke accidentally turned him into a Notable then I changed him back he has been a bit of a pr*ck –,” Dr Snuggly sighed an exasperated sigh and collapsed on the floor into several open boxes of staples. “- So we want you to take him down.”
“A banning?” Sniper questioned
“No, no. You’ve no banning button anyway, have you? Just a firm slap on the buttocks should sort him out. Say he’ll be Newbiefied if he continues, okay? I’d love to come but I’ve got engagements here,” he grinned provocatively and something vibrated furiously in his pocket. Sniper’s eyes widened and he sprinted out the office, clearing his mind of any mental pictures forming.
“He’s in Egypt, Snipie!” Tony called after him. Mystique quickly gathered the kids and walked after her husband. Goatboy had somehow crammed most of the stationary into his upwardly orifices and down his Y-Fronts. A long ruler went in one ear and out the other.
******
The Dodo touched down on a pyramid.
I say touched down, I mean bumped into.
I say bumped into, I mean crashed and exploded in a giant fireball sending many, many limbs flying in various directions and Mystique stop playing the organ she has installed into the plane. Everyone was very happy.
Except KR, who had a finger in his eye - with nothing on the other end.
Tony had nicely sent Sniper a text:
“Snpr, e’s n da bg pyrmd wid da bg gld mnky n da tp. Lk arund da bk - wtch 4 trps n da wlls, thy’ll prbbly kll u. Gd luk. Mssn u alrdy.”
“Huh?” Sniper put forth. He stared at the phone for a few more minutes, brain ticking overtime, then threw it on the floor, stamped on it, spat at it and called it something rude, “Aaaaaaaeeeeeeiiiiiiiiooooouuuuuu!” He shouted, “They’re called vowels! Use em!”
“Monkey!!! Mon-mon-monkey! SP-SPANK!” Mystique shouted, gyrating a fair bit and pointing at a small pyramid with a big gold monkey on it. She ran forward towards her heaven as Sniper looked at his.
Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy.
****
The pyramid was dark and dingy, full of dust, rocks and deadly traps. They would staple you to the wall then give you a bad haircut, steal your socks, laugh at your nose, brush your teeth with Colgate, cut the crotch out your trousers, paint your nails black, pierce anything they could get a hold of and nick all your loose change.
At least they would have done, Sniper just held Goatboy in the way - he didn’t seem to mind so much.
They finally emerged in a lower cavern. It was well-lit from small torches hung from the ceiling, wide and open - the ceiling following the triangular shape of the outer walls, sloping down to the ground. In the missile of the cavern was a large stone chair. Nicely padded with leather - a phone in one arm, fridge in the other, three massage settings and a host of strange buttons.
And all over the walls were these strange symbols. The were squares, circles, crosses, triangles, cubes, 3D ‘N’s, spirals, big ‘X’s and a whole host of other symbols (can’t think of any others as it happens). They ran from wall to wall, floor to ceiling.
In one corner, a small figure hunches over a sting of symbols, noting things down in a small book. It was ssxpro.
“Hey!” Sniper yelled, breaking the silence. “Tony sent me. Now, what ‘av we got ‘ere, eh?”
The figure turned slowly, his face veiled in darkness, pen clutched protectively.
“Oh, hello chaps. Fancy a spot of tea? I’ve just been deciphering these symbols here, very odd, wot wot? Stryke asked me to, said he’d make me a Notable again. Jolly nice fellow.”
“Oh.” Sniper sighed. He’d got all working up for a right proper telling off, now there was nothing except a very polite sidekick and a load of weird symbols. “Well, as I’m here. What do the symbols mean?”
“Ah! Most interesting. They tell of the great Reddy take over of yesteryear. Before the Reddy saga of today another had tried it. A great Reddy Master named Ytont had set about to rule the world, his evil plans had almost come together when everyone realised how stupid they were. He got a bit annoyed, came back to his hideout here and wrote everything down in this code. And guess what?”
“What?” Everyone chanted.
“He was Stryke’s father!.” He took off his small spectacles and polished them.
“No! Don’t touch that!”
A Goatboy, quite new, bad condition had climbed into the chair in the middle of the chamber. He pressed a few of the buttons and things started whirring.
“The luckily little –,” ssxpro gasped, “I’ve been trying for months to do that. Blummin kids!”
The walls slid slowly upwards, the sound of grating stone filled everyone’s ears. Behind the walls were rows of TV monitors showing views over different parts of the world; there was piles and piles of Reddies (which Mystique started stuffing into her bra); the matted, bloodied hide of a rather smelly badger; a bottle of mouthwash; a polystyrene monkey (which Mystique also shoved in her bra) and a neat row of golden-green cat-sick coloured robes dangled from their hangers.
“Oooohhhhh!” Sniper said, stroking the robes, “Stryke’s the robed man with the Reddies. That must mean he HAS become a Notable - hence these robes and practically taken over the world. Why didn’t he tell us? That’s just not fair.”
“I could have told you that,” ssxpro said, “It’s a bit obvious - like father like son. Ytont first, then Stryke - a tradition you might say. You only needed to ask.”
Sniper sighed impatiently.
He glanced over at one of the monitors and gasped (a kind of ‘huuuurrrnnnn’ sound.) It showed the USRN headquarters in all it’s luminous pink glory. A robed man stood outside surveying the scene then stepped in through a small, fluffy side-entrance, stopped by no-one.
Sniper gasped again, “He’s used a Reddy Mind-Trick, the swine! Let’s go!” He didn’t go. Mystique’s rack had somehow got even bigger. He caught his breath, that girl was as ugly as a baboon, but what a rack.
“I’ve got a heli out back, my good man. You can kindly borrow that - but it’s only a Sparrow, a two seater.” ssxpro piped up, hoping he was out of trouble whilst stroking a golden-robe’s sleeve affectionately.
“No problem, we’ll manage.” The family of assassins left.
********
In one of those weird time-lapses that happen occasionally in films or books (where the hero has 10 seconds to defuse a bomb, but takes a few minutes to kill an evil henchman, then saves the world with a second to spare. Or when there’s a laser beam heading up between the hero’s legs at a staggering speed but still the evil doctor has the time to tell him his evil plans, the leave the room before the hero escapes just as his trousers are getting warm.) A helicopter landed at the USRN Headquarters just as the fluffy door closed behind Stryke.
Mystique and Sniper stepped out from the heli, determined looks on their faces. And as the rotors slowed, 16 terrified kids fell from them, sick looks on their faces.
Another time-lapse later and the family burst in on Tony and Stryke who had just told the hideously camp USRN leader that he was the one controlling the world with Reddies and had come to get his revenge for a evil past deed of Tony’s (he also liked his new breasts).
“What happened, Stryke, happened a very long time ago. I was young and stupid. I regret ever moment of it - but it wasn’t my fault!” Tony shouted, his implants jiggling.
“Not your fault! YOU KILLED MY FATHER!” Stryke struck back. Everyone gasped.
Sniper ordered an espresso from a nearby butler.
Mystique ran for the nearest organ. She rammed at the keys, trying to produce a tense atmosphere in the room. Five of her kid’s eardrums exploded.
“NO!” Tony screamed (literally, like a little girl) he collapsed on the floor, sobbing into his hands. “I AM your father,” he whispered through his fingers. “Isn’t it obvious! Ytont backwards is Tonty - my pet name. I wasn’t killed, I was just so ashamed by what I’d done I went into hiding. Then it started. I listened to Abba, went to dancing lessons, played the flute - everything. Then when I heard of the Reddies coming around again - I did this!” he stroked one of his breasts, Mystique scowled and poked her chest out, Sniper reassured her.
“You have to kill me!” Tony, Ytont shouted. “Look what I’ve become, I can’t live like this anymore! You must end my suffering, son! Kill me, Stryke! Kill me now!”
“No,” Stryke muttered, “My father, strange though you are - I could never kill you.”
“Smelly!” Ytont shouted.
“Oi, you little scrotum!” Stryke retorted
“Big nose poo-poo pants!”
Stryke ‘grrrrrrred’
“Willy-face spotty bum!”
“I’m gonna kill you!” Stryke yelled. Ytont smiled, then his nose exploded and something ruptured in his stomach. He let go, happy, and disappeared as if an enemy in some kid’s platfromer. “Where’d he go! I’m gonna beat him sooo bad.”
“Stryke,” Sniper stepped forward, finishing off his espresso. “He’s gone. What are you going to do? There’s no-one left to fight against. No revenge to gain now you know the truth. I never wanted to keep foiling your ridiculous plans. It’s over.”
Stryke sighed, all tension leaving his body. “Yes, your right. I’ve finished. I just wanted to be like my father - to be a Notable, strong and powerful. And I did a good job getting rid of all those stupid Newbies. MYST! Shut the hell up!”
Sniper’s eyebrows wrinkled in thought. “Yes, you did, didn’t you? I’ve always hated those spamming little idiots, you did well. Your father should have been proud. Let’s go ban some, eh? I’ll buy you a drink.”
Stryke sighed and took his golden robe off. False Notability was not his style. One day he’d be a proper Notable and get some respect properly, not like this.
“Sure thing, tiger,” Stryke smiled a familiar smile and stroked Sniper’s bum. “Let’s go.”
“Like father, like son,” Sniper muttered, he shrugged and slipped his hand into Stryke’s.
Mystique frowned and stuck her chest out. “Ooohh-ohhh, spank my monkey?” She inquired.
“Don’t mind if I do,” said the butler, “I’ve a large organ in my department, you know.”
AND SO IT ENDS.
A SLIGHTLY SICK SILENCES FALLS UPON THE WORLD AT LAST.
AND, THOUGH TONY IS GONE, HIS MEMORY LIVES ON IN STRYKE, WHO’S GETTING A BOOB-JOB NEXT SUMMER.
*******
THE END
*******
Ithankyouverymuch,
FFF
(Look out - episodes 1, 2 and 3 coming soon!)
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