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It's been a pretty strange week so far.
I hate this. Even though I'm writing personal thoughts to be read on a public forum etc... I hate it if I think there's someone I don't know sitting close to me possibly reading what I'm writing on screen. Can't figure out why at all.
I'm in a library, you see. Saffron Walden public library, on computer number 9, and I have 40 minutes left. Nothing better to do but type, really.
This week is reading week for me. I usually come up here every weekend to see Katie, Luke, Phil, Jess and people, [Leprachaun, Insomnia, Reaper/Fifi and Iguana], but as I've got a week off, I've decided to stay here for a while more.
To put it simply, I'm very much in love with Katie. Just as much as I was when I lived 300 miles away and couldn't even see her. Being in such a strange relationship has certainly made me stronger, but also a hell of a lot happier, which is what really matters.
But it's difficult. I don't really get to see her as much as I wish I could, and the closer I get to her, the harder it is to understand I can't see her all that much. I used to worry that we'd never truly know who we both are, but we're so utterly comfortable with each other, we don't really be anyone other than ourselves.
I don't really know what else to say about that. Basically, I'm happy, and more than that, comfortable. I'm at a time when I don't really have a home anymore, so I find it difficult to really feel comfortable anywhere else but when I'm with her.
I'm thirsty. I can't remember if you're allowed to drink in libraries or not. I better not. Only 32 minutes left.
Here lies my problem. I wait hours every day for school to finish so I can see them again. I get very lonely and depressed, end up trying to sleep on benches and getting stared at by every passing car.
If you look at the pavement for long enough, it turns into a magic eye. You see little faces, characters. Or maybe it's my imagination again.
One thing I have been keeping myself busy with is the thought of buying a guitar. An acoustic guitar costs £59.99 in the shop here, and the case costs £9.99. I want to buy it, but Katie wants to get it as a present. Well, she wants a guitar too. I wouldn't mind one now, I have loads of little things in my head and I want to get to the point when I can play stuff that's in my head straight out... but I can wait.
I'm getting really thirsty now. I bought a two litre bottle of ginger beer, got a two litre bottle of lemonade too, but I've drunk that.
Mmm.
Twenty seven minutes left.
Here's a question, something I have a little trouble with. Do you ever feel lonely when you're sitting at a table of people and you're talking to them? Do you ever feel lonely when you're surrounded by people all interested in you? Do you ever feel lonely when you're talking to people you know intimately? Because I do. I live in a flat, full of lovely personalities and nice people, but I'm always lonely. I talk to them, I play games with them, I smile and laugh with them, but not for one real second do I feel in company. It's difficult.
I made four friends over seventeen years. Four friends that I was happy to be with. One I could truly communicate to, and only two of them I didn't feel lonely with when I was with them. The other two I enjoyed their company when we were all together, it was difficult when we were on our own. However, I wasn't feeling so lonely during the last month or so, when I was working in the theme park with my friend, and I gave him a lift back every day. We had a lot of fun. Usually involving cheese and traffic cones.
But... in all that time, through three schools, thirteen years of school, I make four friends, only one of which I can relate to. I try to socialise, I try to be friendly. I'm mostly scared, I don't understand why. I just can't click with people at all.
I'm not sure if it's my sub-conscial arrogance, or it's just the way I am. But for whatever reason, I am so grateful for Katie.
Eighteen minutes.
I'm not sure why I'm typing. I just felt like expressing some feelings, because at the moment I've got no-one else to talk to.
That's also got me thinking, these forums.
If I hadn't gone looking for news two years ago, and hadn't tried to win a game, or more to the point, if I hadn't won a game two years ago, would I still be here? If I hadn't met Stryke, Reaper, if they hadn't found these forums? If Katie hadn't come on here and I missed her post, if I didn't get her MSN or for a million other reasons... It's because of these forums that I found out what I really wanted to do with my life, it's because of these forums that I found people I could truly communicate to and love, it's because of these forums that I finally began to understand myself, face my past, and move on. I guess I've got a lot to thank you lot for.
I understand so much now, and there's so much more to learn. I've got so much more to do and achieve, and so much to show to the world. It's hard to keep strong sometimes, especially considering that everything I seem to do is one big gamble. I've gambled so much, and I've ended up happy. I refuse to trust my instincts even after they've given me so much.
What sort of person can do the sort of things I dream of? Perhaps that's not the question.
What sort of person can truly follow their dreams? People don't fail because they're shot down, people fail because they stop trying. I have plenty of time, and I certainly have plenty of support. There's not much that can really stop me now.
Ten minutes left.
I'm animating Amneshire now, which is why it's not being wrote in. I'll add chapters to it, nowhere near as often, however. And it's being rewritten too, as there are a few things that don't add up. Monkeys becoming cows, etc.
It had got to the point when I was so worried about my ego overtaking everything I was doing, I just ended up not doing anything at all.
I'm proud of what I do. What I do, makes me different to everybody on this planet. I may not be as good and as detailed as some, but I have character. I know what characters are, I know how people work, and I know what people love. I know what people enjoy. It's about the only thing I can really do, tell stories. And what's more, I enjoy it.
So what if I'm shot down by people who don't like what I do? There is much you can learn from me, and much you can learn about yourselves, I'm sure. I do things because they make me happy, and I enjoy them. I enjoy making others happy, and in essense, that's all I'm really trying to do.
And anyway, what else do I have to do? We've all been given a life. I've made my decision to live my life this way. I don't really have anything better to do. So don't shoot me down.
Guess that's it. That's my mind for today. Five minutes left, might as well post.
Well, see you guys later, hope everything's fine with you lot. Ta ta.
I hate this. Even though I'm writing personal thoughts to be read on a public forum etc... I hate it if I think there's someone I don't know sitting close to me possibly reading what I'm writing on screen. Can't figure out why at all.
I'm in a library, you see. Saffron Walden public library, on computer number 9, and I have 40 minutes left. Nothing better to do but type, really.
This week is reading week for me. I usually come up here every weekend to see Katie, Luke, Phil, Jess and people, [Leprachaun, Insomnia, Reaper/Fifi and Iguana], but as I've got a week off, I've decided to stay here for a while more.
To put it simply, I'm very much in love with Katie. Just as much as I was when I lived 300 miles away and couldn't even see her. Being in such a strange relationship has certainly made me stronger, but also a hell of a lot happier, which is what really matters.
But it's difficult. I don't really get to see her as much as I wish I could, and the closer I get to her, the harder it is to understand I can't see her all that much. I used to worry that we'd never truly know who we both are, but we're so utterly comfortable with each other, we don't really be anyone other than ourselves.
I don't really know what else to say about that. Basically, I'm happy, and more than that, comfortable. I'm at a time when I don't really have a home anymore, so I find it difficult to really feel comfortable anywhere else but when I'm with her.
I'm thirsty. I can't remember if you're allowed to drink in libraries or not. I better not. Only 32 minutes left.
Here lies my problem. I wait hours every day for school to finish so I can see them again. I get very lonely and depressed, end up trying to sleep on benches and getting stared at by every passing car.
If you look at the pavement for long enough, it turns into a magic eye. You see little faces, characters. Or maybe it's my imagination again.
One thing I have been keeping myself busy with is the thought of buying a guitar. An acoustic guitar costs £59.99 in the shop here, and the case costs £9.99. I want to buy it, but Katie wants to get it as a present. Well, she wants a guitar too. I wouldn't mind one now, I have loads of little things in my head and I want to get to the point when I can play stuff that's in my head straight out... but I can wait.
I'm getting really thirsty now. I bought a two litre bottle of ginger beer, got a two litre bottle of lemonade too, but I've drunk that.
Mmm.
Twenty seven minutes left.
Here's a question, something I have a little trouble with. Do you ever feel lonely when you're sitting at a table of people and you're talking to them? Do you ever feel lonely when you're surrounded by people all interested in you? Do you ever feel lonely when you're talking to people you know intimately? Because I do. I live in a flat, full of lovely personalities and nice people, but I'm always lonely. I talk to them, I play games with them, I smile and laugh with them, but not for one real second do I feel in company. It's difficult.
I made four friends over seventeen years. Four friends that I was happy to be with. One I could truly communicate to, and only two of them I didn't feel lonely with when I was with them. The other two I enjoyed their company when we were all together, it was difficult when we were on our own. However, I wasn't feeling so lonely during the last month or so, when I was working in the theme park with my friend, and I gave him a lift back every day. We had a lot of fun. Usually involving cheese and traffic cones.
But... in all that time, through three schools, thirteen years of school, I make four friends, only one of which I can relate to. I try to socialise, I try to be friendly. I'm mostly scared, I don't understand why. I just can't click with people at all.
I'm not sure if it's my sub-conscial arrogance, or it's just the way I am. But for whatever reason, I am so grateful for Katie.
Eighteen minutes.
I'm not sure why I'm typing. I just felt like expressing some feelings, because at the moment I've got no-one else to talk to.
That's also got me thinking, these forums.
If I hadn't gone looking for news two years ago, and hadn't tried to win a game, or more to the point, if I hadn't won a game two years ago, would I still be here? If I hadn't met Stryke, Reaper, if they hadn't found these forums? If Katie hadn't come on here and I missed her post, if I didn't get her MSN or for a million other reasons... It's because of these forums that I found out what I really wanted to do with my life, it's because of these forums that I found people I could truly communicate to and love, it's because of these forums that I finally began to understand myself, face my past, and move on. I guess I've got a lot to thank you lot for.
I understand so much now, and there's so much more to learn. I've got so much more to do and achieve, and so much to show to the world. It's hard to keep strong sometimes, especially considering that everything I seem to do is one big gamble. I've gambled so much, and I've ended up happy. I refuse to trust my instincts even after they've given me so much.
What sort of person can do the sort of things I dream of? Perhaps that's not the question.
What sort of person can truly follow their dreams? People don't fail because they're shot down, people fail because they stop trying. I have plenty of time, and I certainly have plenty of support. There's not much that can really stop me now.
Ten minutes left.
I'm animating Amneshire now, which is why it's not being wrote in. I'll add chapters to it, nowhere near as often, however. And it's being rewritten too, as there are a few things that don't add up. Monkeys becoming cows, etc.
It had got to the point when I was so worried about my ego overtaking everything I was doing, I just ended up not doing anything at all.
I'm proud of what I do. What I do, makes me different to everybody on this planet. I may not be as good and as detailed as some, but I have character. I know what characters are, I know how people work, and I know what people love. I know what people enjoy. It's about the only thing I can really do, tell stories. And what's more, I enjoy it.
So what if I'm shot down by people who don't like what I do? There is much you can learn from me, and much you can learn about yourselves, I'm sure. I do things because they make me happy, and I enjoy them. I enjoy making others happy, and in essense, that's all I'm really trying to do.
And anyway, what else do I have to do? We've all been given a life. I've made my decision to live my life this way. I don't really have anything better to do. So don't shoot me down.
Guess that's it. That's my mind for today. Five minutes left, might as well post.
Well, see you guys later, hope everything's fine with you lot. Ta ta.
Page:
Heya kids. Forty seven minutes left this time.
I met Katie on these forums near April/May, I think. It seems like I never did meet her though, and she's always just been there.
Yeah, long distance relationships are hard, but then, I've met the only person in my life that I've ever been really able to talk to. This isn't 'I had hard life' or 'I want to cry' thing, it's everything. The only way I've ever been really able to describe it is like an imaginary friend. Someone you can just chat to continously about everything that you love and feel, someone who you can depend on but can still surprise you.
Perfection is something that seems a little odd to me. If you ask someone, 'what would be your perfect love/life/home?' then they'd have difficulty in giving you a true answer. Sure, they can tell you what they would like, but true perfection, in my view, comes from not knowing what comes next. What sort of life do you want to live, if everything that happens is so predictable?
Sure: Nice homely home with log fire, big rug in Canadian mountains. That'd be an experience. Not a life.
People have aims in their life. Points at which once they meet, they think they'll be truly happy. I don't think that's right. I want to just keep moving. If I want to animate today, if I want to make games today, then that's what I'll work for. If I want to write books tomorrow, if I want to lecture astrology the next day? Then that's what I'll work for then. My mind is made on only one thing, and that's who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Someone who's ever changing, but always beautiful. How cheesy.
Life's hard now, because we're restricted. For the free time we have, there's no real time when we aren't comfortable with each other... mmm... hard to explain.
We're no-one but ourselves. So that's cool.
There's no anger, frustration at what we do, there's no getting wound up, because if we have a thought, it is voiced. She knows me better than I do, and vice versa, quite a lot of the time.
I fell in love with words on a screen. I didn't fall in love with the ideals that were presented, I fell in love with simple truth.
And that's why it doesn't matter that I live so far away. I can visit her on weekends, which is more than I imagined four months ago. We're always in contact, and I just about always know how she's feeling, and vice versa. We've made mistakes and we've learned, such is life.
I don't boast for this relationship, so don't take it like that. To be honest, I don't care how you take it, but at least I've stated that.
It's just I've been looking for so long to show myself as a picture to people of what can happen if you're lucky. What can happen if you look hard enough, perhaps. But in my case, mostly luck.
There IS someone out there for everyone. I mean, someone for someone else, not one person who's for everyone, but you probably know that. Mm.
I knew I loved Katie before I even saw a picture of her. Guess what I'm trying to say is keep an open mind, because that's the real flaw of mankind, and why we all tend to be so unhappy and lonely. There's a lot of questions we all need to solve for ourselves, and without an open mind, we probably won't find those answers, ever.
(Take care of yourselves, and each other.)
Shut up.
I met Katie on these forums near April/May, I think. It seems like I never did meet her though, and she's always just been there.
Yeah, long distance relationships are hard, but then, I've met the only person in my life that I've ever been really able to talk to. This isn't 'I had hard life' or 'I want to cry' thing, it's everything. The only way I've ever been really able to describe it is like an imaginary friend. Someone you can just chat to continously about everything that you love and feel, someone who you can depend on but can still surprise you.
Perfection is something that seems a little odd to me. If you ask someone, 'what would be your perfect love/life/home?' then they'd have difficulty in giving you a true answer. Sure, they can tell you what they would like, but true perfection, in my view, comes from not knowing what comes next. What sort of life do you want to live, if everything that happens is so predictable?
Sure: Nice homely home with log fire, big rug in Canadian mountains. That'd be an experience. Not a life.
People have aims in their life. Points at which once they meet, they think they'll be truly happy. I don't think that's right. I want to just keep moving. If I want to animate today, if I want to make games today, then that's what I'll work for. If I want to write books tomorrow, if I want to lecture astrology the next day? Then that's what I'll work for then. My mind is made on only one thing, and that's who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Someone who's ever changing, but always beautiful. How cheesy.
Life's hard now, because we're restricted. For the free time we have, there's no real time when we aren't comfortable with each other... mmm... hard to explain.
We're no-one but ourselves. So that's cool.
There's no anger, frustration at what we do, there's no getting wound up, because if we have a thought, it is voiced. She knows me better than I do, and vice versa, quite a lot of the time.
I fell in love with words on a screen. I didn't fall in love with the ideals that were presented, I fell in love with simple truth.
And that's why it doesn't matter that I live so far away. I can visit her on weekends, which is more than I imagined four months ago. We're always in contact, and I just about always know how she's feeling, and vice versa. We've made mistakes and we've learned, such is life.
I don't boast for this relationship, so don't take it like that. To be honest, I don't care how you take it, but at least I've stated that.
It's just I've been looking for so long to show myself as a picture to people of what can happen if you're lucky. What can happen if you look hard enough, perhaps. But in my case, mostly luck.
There IS someone out there for everyone. I mean, someone for someone else, not one person who's for everyone, but you probably know that. Mm.
I knew I loved Katie before I even saw a picture of her. Guess what I'm trying to say is keep an open mind, because that's the real flaw of mankind, and why we all tend to be so unhappy and lonely. There's a lot of questions we all need to solve for ourselves, and without an open mind, we probably won't find those answers, ever.
(Take care of yourselves, and each other.)
Shut up.
Grix Thraves wrote:
> Here's a question, something I have a little trouble with. Do you ever
> feel lonely when you're sitting at a table of people and you're
> talking to them? Do you ever feel lonely when you're surrounded by
> people all interested in you? Do you ever feel lonely when you're
> talking to people you know intimately? Because I do. I live in a flat,
> full of lovely personalities and nice people, but I'm always lonely. I
> talk to them, I play games with them, I smile and laugh with them, but
> not for one real second do I feel in company. It's difficult.
All the time. I know a lot of people who I would class as friends - I've been lucky. Admittedly, I'm only confident around the odd few members of the opposite sex (one of whom some of you know a lot about), but I get on very well with well over half of the guys in my year.
Apart from you guys, only one other person knows about my trials and tribulations with former girlfriend, and that's a certain Darkness_2K. Grix knows him, and a few more of the 'old-timers' here will too. At first I was scared of him finding out, what if he spread it? But he's proved to me that he's a true friend, because he's never mentioned it again. And he knows that's how I'd prefer it.
But that brings me onto my real point. No matter how much I socialise, or how well I get on with these people...in truth, they don't really know me. In fact, no one really knows me, inside. Only me, and in my opinion, God, know exactly who I am. I mean, obviously I really like all my friends and I'm happy they're around, but...some of them have hurt me in the past. They may not have meant it, but they have...however, we've all grown up now and that sort of thing doesn't happen anymore.
I think a lot. I have dreams. Insane dreams, stuff that will never happen, but I wish they would...although sometimes, just the thoughts can help me through the day.
But sometimes I wish that people really knew me...and that, apart from Darkness and you guys, the absolute hell I went through one time. Maybe I'm weak, but I'd certainly describe it as hell. And sometimes I think how cool it would be if there was someone I could talk to about these things, without feeling embarrassed or scared. I have God, yeah, and he talks to me...but in a different way.
Sorry, I'm babbling on about myself...I'm just a bit scared that I won't achieve what I want to in life...I have a little plan, and to be honest, I'm not sure what I'll do if it fails.
But anyway, that was cool Grix, maybe have a chat sometime when we're not too busy (rare for me at the moment though.) Thanks man. {:)
> Here's a question, something I have a little trouble with. Do you ever
> feel lonely when you're sitting at a table of people and you're
> talking to them? Do you ever feel lonely when you're surrounded by
> people all interested in you? Do you ever feel lonely when you're
> talking to people you know intimately? Because I do. I live in a flat,
> full of lovely personalities and nice people, but I'm always lonely. I
> talk to them, I play games with them, I smile and laugh with them, but
> not for one real second do I feel in company. It's difficult.
All the time. I know a lot of people who I would class as friends - I've been lucky. Admittedly, I'm only confident around the odd few members of the opposite sex (one of whom some of you know a lot about), but I get on very well with well over half of the guys in my year.
Apart from you guys, only one other person knows about my trials and tribulations with former girlfriend, and that's a certain Darkness_2K. Grix knows him, and a few more of the 'old-timers' here will too. At first I was scared of him finding out, what if he spread it? But he's proved to me that he's a true friend, because he's never mentioned it again. And he knows that's how I'd prefer it.
But that brings me onto my real point. No matter how much I socialise, or how well I get on with these people...in truth, they don't really know me. In fact, no one really knows me, inside. Only me, and in my opinion, God, know exactly who I am. I mean, obviously I really like all my friends and I'm happy they're around, but...some of them have hurt me in the past. They may not have meant it, but they have...however, we've all grown up now and that sort of thing doesn't happen anymore.
I think a lot. I have dreams. Insane dreams, stuff that will never happen, but I wish they would...although sometimes, just the thoughts can help me through the day.
But sometimes I wish that people really knew me...and that, apart from Darkness and you guys, the absolute hell I went through one time. Maybe I'm weak, but I'd certainly describe it as hell. And sometimes I think how cool it would be if there was someone I could talk to about these things, without feeling embarrassed or scared. I have God, yeah, and he talks to me...but in a different way.
Sorry, I'm babbling on about myself...I'm just a bit scared that I won't achieve what I want to in life...I have a little plan, and to be honest, I'm not sure what I'll do if it fails.
But anyway, that was cool Grix, maybe have a chat sometime when we're not too busy (rare for me at the moment though.) Thanks man. {:)
She's worth it. You know that. I knew that. The End.
I sit in the college canteen with a group of friends, sometimes up to twenty of them, yet I don't feel like I want to be sitting their, I don't feel welcome and I feel alone.
I (as you know Grix) developed a kind of painful love towards a girl I know, painful because on revealing something so powerful, I got rejected and turned away, everytime I used to get hurt and upset was because of family abuse and stuff I won't go into right now. Well, I used to use gaming as a way out, my form of escapism was to grab a control and play and play. Everything around would drown out. Now its your guys and these forums. I try and read as much as I can, you all rule so much because you are all so different. I won't forget they help I have got from Grix and the fun I had conspiring with Your Honour. I also won't forget and I doubt Goatboy will that when I complete this music video, it will rule so much and its because of these forums.
I also won't forget the rest of you that I have known, you all used to hate me because I was an idiot and someone who came here to take the mick, well, you gave me a chance, most of all Tony... no idea why he saw who I could become but he did and allowed me to come back.
I am not sure how you are feeling Grix, I hate to try and compare feelings and I have never been in your situation. I wish I had someone I loved, but I don't. I also know there is still a lot of time.
I hope this board still exists in five years time. I want to post here for a bloody lot longer and I want to read and hear how everyone is. I dont doubt that most of us will at some point meet others from here. I reckon most of us have powerful and excellent futures ahead. Yet I have learnt it is to be made for yourself and although most things are hard nobody ever did say anything was easy.
You will be fine Grix, I just cannot wait to see some of your work as the same as all of you.
I (as you know Grix) developed a kind of painful love towards a girl I know, painful because on revealing something so powerful, I got rejected and turned away, everytime I used to get hurt and upset was because of family abuse and stuff I won't go into right now. Well, I used to use gaming as a way out, my form of escapism was to grab a control and play and play. Everything around would drown out. Now its your guys and these forums. I try and read as much as I can, you all rule so much because you are all so different. I won't forget they help I have got from Grix and the fun I had conspiring with Your Honour. I also won't forget and I doubt Goatboy will that when I complete this music video, it will rule so much and its because of these forums.
I also won't forget the rest of you that I have known, you all used to hate me because I was an idiot and someone who came here to take the mick, well, you gave me a chance, most of all Tony... no idea why he saw who I could become but he did and allowed me to come back.
I am not sure how you are feeling Grix, I hate to try and compare feelings and I have never been in your situation. I wish I had someone I loved, but I don't. I also know there is still a lot of time.
I hope this board still exists in five years time. I want to post here for a bloody lot longer and I want to read and hear how everyone is. I dont doubt that most of us will at some point meet others from here. I reckon most of us have powerful and excellent futures ahead. Yet I have learnt it is to be made for yourself and although most things are hard nobody ever did say anything was easy.
You will be fine Grix, I just cannot wait to see some of your work as the same as all of you.
I hope this lot isn't going to sound as patronising as I think it might...
Bascially, long distance relationships are hard. I've been in one since July, and sometimes I think to myself "Is it really worth it?" I hate it when I'm not with her so much, that sometimes I think about ending the relationship.
But then I remember how good I feel when I am with her, and it makes it all worthwhile.
As for the lonliness thing, I think everyone gets that at some point in their lives, even the people who seem to be the "popular ones". Sometimes I think I get them because there is so much uncertainty in my life at the moment.
All my mates back home have either finished university, or didn't go at all. So when we meet up, they're all planning things like where to go on holidya next year, when they'll move out of their parents house and get their own place etc.
When someone asks me what I'm doing next year, I just have to sit there and say "I don't know, I have to wait 'til I've finished at uni. We'll have to wait and see." We'll have to wait and see. I hate that bloody phrase, it's doing my head in I seem to be saying it so much at the moment.
There's just so much I can't sort out 'til this bloody degree is out of the way. I can't even say whether I'll be going on holiday or not next year, because I don't know if I'll have any money etc.
Sorry, I seem to have changed the subject somewhat. I'll stop now.
Bascially, long distance relationships are hard. I've been in one since July, and sometimes I think to myself "Is it really worth it?" I hate it when I'm not with her so much, that sometimes I think about ending the relationship.
But then I remember how good I feel when I am with her, and it makes it all worthwhile.
As for the lonliness thing, I think everyone gets that at some point in their lives, even the people who seem to be the "popular ones". Sometimes I think I get them because there is so much uncertainty in my life at the moment.
All my mates back home have either finished university, or didn't go at all. So when we meet up, they're all planning things like where to go on holidya next year, when they'll move out of their parents house and get their own place etc.
When someone asks me what I'm doing next year, I just have to sit there and say "I don't know, I have to wait 'til I've finished at uni. We'll have to wait and see." We'll have to wait and see. I hate that bloody phrase, it's doing my head in I seem to be saying it so much at the moment.
There's just so much I can't sort out 'til this bloody degree is out of the way. I can't even say whether I'll be going on holiday or not next year, because I don't know if I'll have any money etc.
Sorry, I seem to have changed the subject somewhat. I'll stop now.
" Here's a question, something I have a little trouble with. Do you ever feel lonely when you're sitting at a table of people and you're talking to them? Do you ever feel lonely when you're surrounded by people all interested in you? Do you ever feel lonely when you're talking to people you know intimately? Because I do. I live in a flat, full of lovely personalities and nice people, but I'm always lonely. I talk to them, I play games with them, I smile and laugh with them, but not for one real second do I feel in company. It's difficult. "
I think you just described what the last few weeks have been like for me... anyway.
I remember reading PC Gamer in the October Week 2 years ago and seeing the Gameaday advert... if I hadn't I sometimes wonder if I would be different to what I am, or something.
Ah well, have fun and stuff.
I think you just described what the last few weeks have been like for me... anyway.
I remember reading PC Gamer in the October Week 2 years ago and seeing the Gameaday advert... if I hadn't I sometimes wonder if I would be different to what I am, or something.
Ah well, have fun and stuff.
I have that feeling of lonliness a lot. It's like you're there, but you, spiritually, are somewhere else, just behind you, looking over your shoulder at all these people, and instead of interacting with them, youre wondering if you are really there or not.
i wish i had an answer, but i don't. all i can say is i know where you're coming from.
i wish i had an answer, but i don't. all i can say is i know where you're coming from.
It's been a pretty strange week so far.
I hate this. Even though I'm writing personal thoughts to be read on a public forum etc... I hate it if I think there's someone I don't know sitting close to me possibly reading what I'm writing on screen. Can't figure out why at all.
I'm in a library, you see. Saffron Walden public library, on computer number 9, and I have 40 minutes left. Nothing better to do but type, really.
This week is reading week for me. I usually come up here every weekend to see Katie, Luke, Phil, Jess and people, [Leprachaun, Insomnia, Reaper/Fifi and Iguana], but as I've got a week off, I've decided to stay here for a while more.
To put it simply, I'm very much in love with Katie. Just as much as I was when I lived 300 miles away and couldn't even see her. Being in such a strange relationship has certainly made me stronger, but also a hell of a lot happier, which is what really matters.
But it's difficult. I don't really get to see her as much as I wish I could, and the closer I get to her, the harder it is to understand I can't see her all that much. I used to worry that we'd never truly know who we both are, but we're so utterly comfortable with each other, we don't really be anyone other than ourselves.
I don't really know what else to say about that. Basically, I'm happy, and more than that, comfortable. I'm at a time when I don't really have a home anymore, so I find it difficult to really feel comfortable anywhere else but when I'm with her.
I'm thirsty. I can't remember if you're allowed to drink in libraries or not. I better not. Only 32 minutes left.
Here lies my problem. I wait hours every day for school to finish so I can see them again. I get very lonely and depressed, end up trying to sleep on benches and getting stared at by every passing car.
If you look at the pavement for long enough, it turns into a magic eye. You see little faces, characters. Or maybe it's my imagination again.
One thing I have been keeping myself busy with is the thought of buying a guitar. An acoustic guitar costs £59.99 in the shop here, and the case costs £9.99. I want to buy it, but Katie wants to get it as a present. Well, she wants a guitar too. I wouldn't mind one now, I have loads of little things in my head and I want to get to the point when I can play stuff that's in my head straight out... but I can wait.
I'm getting really thirsty now. I bought a two litre bottle of ginger beer, got a two litre bottle of lemonade too, but I've drunk that.
Mmm.
Twenty seven minutes left.
Here's a question, something I have a little trouble with. Do you ever feel lonely when you're sitting at a table of people and you're talking to them? Do you ever feel lonely when you're surrounded by people all interested in you? Do you ever feel lonely when you're talking to people you know intimately? Because I do. I live in a flat, full of lovely personalities and nice people, but I'm always lonely. I talk to them, I play games with them, I smile and laugh with them, but not for one real second do I feel in company. It's difficult.
I made four friends over seventeen years. Four friends that I was happy to be with. One I could truly communicate to, and only two of them I didn't feel lonely with when I was with them. The other two I enjoyed their company when we were all together, it was difficult when we were on our own. However, I wasn't feeling so lonely during the last month or so, when I was working in the theme park with my friend, and I gave him a lift back every day. We had a lot of fun. Usually involving cheese and traffic cones.
But... in all that time, through three schools, thirteen years of school, I make four friends, only one of which I can relate to. I try to socialise, I try to be friendly. I'm mostly scared, I don't understand why. I just can't click with people at all.
I'm not sure if it's my sub-conscial arrogance, or it's just the way I am. But for whatever reason, I am so grateful for Katie.
Eighteen minutes.
I'm not sure why I'm typing. I just felt like expressing some feelings, because at the moment I've got no-one else to talk to.
That's also got me thinking, these forums.
If I hadn't gone looking for news two years ago, and hadn't tried to win a game, or more to the point, if I hadn't won a game two years ago, would I still be here? If I hadn't met Stryke, Reaper, if they hadn't found these forums? If Katie hadn't come on here and I missed her post, if I didn't get her MSN or for a million other reasons... It's because of these forums that I found out what I really wanted to do with my life, it's because of these forums that I found people I could truly communicate to and love, it's because of these forums that I finally began to understand myself, face my past, and move on. I guess I've got a lot to thank you lot for.
I understand so much now, and there's so much more to learn. I've got so much more to do and achieve, and so much to show to the world. It's hard to keep strong sometimes, especially considering that everything I seem to do is one big gamble. I've gambled so much, and I've ended up happy. I refuse to trust my instincts even after they've given me so much.
What sort of person can do the sort of things I dream of? Perhaps that's not the question.
What sort of person can truly follow their dreams? People don't fail because they're shot down, people fail because they stop trying. I have plenty of time, and I certainly have plenty of support. There's not much that can really stop me now.
Ten minutes left.
I'm animating Amneshire now, which is why it's not being wrote in. I'll add chapters to it, nowhere near as often, however. And it's being rewritten too, as there are a few things that don't add up. Monkeys becoming cows, etc.
It had got to the point when I was so worried about my ego overtaking everything I was doing, I just ended up not doing anything at all.
I'm proud of what I do. What I do, makes me different to everybody on this planet. I may not be as good and as detailed as some, but I have character. I know what characters are, I know how people work, and I know what people love. I know what people enjoy. It's about the only thing I can really do, tell stories. And what's more, I enjoy it.
So what if I'm shot down by people who don't like what I do? There is much you can learn from me, and much you can learn about yourselves, I'm sure. I do things because they make me happy, and I enjoy them. I enjoy making others happy, and in essense, that's all I'm really trying to do.
And anyway, what else do I have to do? We've all been given a life. I've made my decision to live my life this way. I don't really have anything better to do. So don't shoot me down.
Guess that's it. That's my mind for today. Five minutes left, might as well post.
Well, see you guys later, hope everything's fine with you lot. Ta ta.
I hate this. Even though I'm writing personal thoughts to be read on a public forum etc... I hate it if I think there's someone I don't know sitting close to me possibly reading what I'm writing on screen. Can't figure out why at all.
I'm in a library, you see. Saffron Walden public library, on computer number 9, and I have 40 minutes left. Nothing better to do but type, really.
This week is reading week for me. I usually come up here every weekend to see Katie, Luke, Phil, Jess and people, [Leprachaun, Insomnia, Reaper/Fifi and Iguana], but as I've got a week off, I've decided to stay here for a while more.
To put it simply, I'm very much in love with Katie. Just as much as I was when I lived 300 miles away and couldn't even see her. Being in such a strange relationship has certainly made me stronger, but also a hell of a lot happier, which is what really matters.
But it's difficult. I don't really get to see her as much as I wish I could, and the closer I get to her, the harder it is to understand I can't see her all that much. I used to worry that we'd never truly know who we both are, but we're so utterly comfortable with each other, we don't really be anyone other than ourselves.
I don't really know what else to say about that. Basically, I'm happy, and more than that, comfortable. I'm at a time when I don't really have a home anymore, so I find it difficult to really feel comfortable anywhere else but when I'm with her.
I'm thirsty. I can't remember if you're allowed to drink in libraries or not. I better not. Only 32 minutes left.
Here lies my problem. I wait hours every day for school to finish so I can see them again. I get very lonely and depressed, end up trying to sleep on benches and getting stared at by every passing car.
If you look at the pavement for long enough, it turns into a magic eye. You see little faces, characters. Or maybe it's my imagination again.
One thing I have been keeping myself busy with is the thought of buying a guitar. An acoustic guitar costs £59.99 in the shop here, and the case costs £9.99. I want to buy it, but Katie wants to get it as a present. Well, she wants a guitar too. I wouldn't mind one now, I have loads of little things in my head and I want to get to the point when I can play stuff that's in my head straight out... but I can wait.
I'm getting really thirsty now. I bought a two litre bottle of ginger beer, got a two litre bottle of lemonade too, but I've drunk that.
Mmm.
Twenty seven minutes left.
Here's a question, something I have a little trouble with. Do you ever feel lonely when you're sitting at a table of people and you're talking to them? Do you ever feel lonely when you're surrounded by people all interested in you? Do you ever feel lonely when you're talking to people you know intimately? Because I do. I live in a flat, full of lovely personalities and nice people, but I'm always lonely. I talk to them, I play games with them, I smile and laugh with them, but not for one real second do I feel in company. It's difficult.
I made four friends over seventeen years. Four friends that I was happy to be with. One I could truly communicate to, and only two of them I didn't feel lonely with when I was with them. The other two I enjoyed their company when we were all together, it was difficult when we were on our own. However, I wasn't feeling so lonely during the last month or so, when I was working in the theme park with my friend, and I gave him a lift back every day. We had a lot of fun. Usually involving cheese and traffic cones.
But... in all that time, through three schools, thirteen years of school, I make four friends, only one of which I can relate to. I try to socialise, I try to be friendly. I'm mostly scared, I don't understand why. I just can't click with people at all.
I'm not sure if it's my sub-conscial arrogance, or it's just the way I am. But for whatever reason, I am so grateful for Katie.
Eighteen minutes.
I'm not sure why I'm typing. I just felt like expressing some feelings, because at the moment I've got no-one else to talk to.
That's also got me thinking, these forums.
If I hadn't gone looking for news two years ago, and hadn't tried to win a game, or more to the point, if I hadn't won a game two years ago, would I still be here? If I hadn't met Stryke, Reaper, if they hadn't found these forums? If Katie hadn't come on here and I missed her post, if I didn't get her MSN or for a million other reasons... It's because of these forums that I found out what I really wanted to do with my life, it's because of these forums that I found people I could truly communicate to and love, it's because of these forums that I finally began to understand myself, face my past, and move on. I guess I've got a lot to thank you lot for.
I understand so much now, and there's so much more to learn. I've got so much more to do and achieve, and so much to show to the world. It's hard to keep strong sometimes, especially considering that everything I seem to do is one big gamble. I've gambled so much, and I've ended up happy. I refuse to trust my instincts even after they've given me so much.
What sort of person can do the sort of things I dream of? Perhaps that's not the question.
What sort of person can truly follow their dreams? People don't fail because they're shot down, people fail because they stop trying. I have plenty of time, and I certainly have plenty of support. There's not much that can really stop me now.
Ten minutes left.
I'm animating Amneshire now, which is why it's not being wrote in. I'll add chapters to it, nowhere near as often, however. And it's being rewritten too, as there are a few things that don't add up. Monkeys becoming cows, etc.
It had got to the point when I was so worried about my ego overtaking everything I was doing, I just ended up not doing anything at all.
I'm proud of what I do. What I do, makes me different to everybody on this planet. I may not be as good and as detailed as some, but I have character. I know what characters are, I know how people work, and I know what people love. I know what people enjoy. It's about the only thing I can really do, tell stories. And what's more, I enjoy it.
So what if I'm shot down by people who don't like what I do? There is much you can learn from me, and much you can learn about yourselves, I'm sure. I do things because they make me happy, and I enjoy them. I enjoy making others happy, and in essense, that's all I'm really trying to do.
And anyway, what else do I have to do? We've all been given a life. I've made my decision to live my life this way. I don't really have anything better to do. So don't shoot me down.
Guess that's it. That's my mind for today. Five minutes left, might as well post.
Well, see you guys later, hope everything's fine with you lot. Ta ta.
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