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"Essex County Council Libraries 03599"

It's been a pretty strange week so far.

I hate this. Even though I'm writing personal thoughts to be read on a public forum etc... I hate it if I think there's someone I don't know sitting close to me possibly reading what I'm writing on screen. Can't figure out why at all.

I'm in a library, you see. Saffron Walden public library, on computer number 9, and I have 40 minutes left. Nothing better to do but type, really.

This week is reading week for me. I usually come up here every weekend to see Katie, Luke, Phil, Jess and people, [Leprachaun, Insomnia, Reaper/Fifi and Iguana], but as I've got a week off, I've decided to stay here for a while more.

To put it simply, I'm very much in love with Katie. Just as much as I was when I lived 300 miles away and couldn't even see her. Being in such a strange relationship has certainly made me stronger, but also a hell of a lot happier, which is what really matters.

But it's difficult. I don't really get to see her as much as I wish I could, and the closer I get to her, the harder it is to understand I can't see her all that much. I used to worry that we'd never truly know who we both are, but we're so utterly comfortable with each other, we don't really be anyone other than ourselves.

I don't really know what else to say about that. Basically, I'm happy, and more than that, comfortable. I'm at a time when I don't really have a home anymore, so I find it difficult to really feel comfortable anywhere else but when I'm with her.

I'm thirsty. I can't remember if you're allowed to drink in libraries or not. I better not. Only 32 minutes left.

Here lies my problem. I wait hours every day for school to finish so I can see them again. I get very lonely and depressed, end up trying to sleep on benches and getting stared at by every passing car.

If you look at the pavement for long enough, it turns into a magic eye. You see little faces, characters. Or maybe it's my imagination again.

One thing I have been keeping myself busy with is the thought of buying a guitar. An acoustic guitar costs £59.99 in the shop here, and the case costs £9.99. I want to buy it, but Katie wants to get it as a present. Well, she wants a guitar too. I wouldn't mind one now, I have loads of little things in my head and I want to get to the point when I can play stuff that's in my head straight out... but I can wait.

I'm getting really thirsty now. I bought a two litre bottle of ginger beer, got a two litre bottle of lemonade too, but I've drunk that.

Mmm.

Twenty seven minutes left.

Here's a question, something I have a little trouble with. Do you ever feel lonely when you're sitting at a table of people and you're talking to them? Do you ever feel lonely when you're surrounded by people all interested in you? Do you ever feel lonely when you're talking to people you know intimately? Because I do. I live in a flat, full of lovely personalities and nice people, but I'm always lonely. I talk to them, I play games with them, I smile and laugh with them, but not for one real second do I feel in company. It's difficult.

I made four friends over seventeen years. Four friends that I was happy to be with. One I could truly communicate to, and only two of them I didn't feel lonely with when I was with them. The other two I enjoyed their company when we were all together, it was difficult when we were on our own. However, I wasn't feeling so lonely during the last month or so, when I was working in the theme park with my friend, and I gave him a lift back every day. We had a lot of fun. Usually involving cheese and traffic cones.

But... in all that time, through three schools, thirteen years of school, I make four friends, only one of which I can relate to. I try to socialise, I try to be friendly. I'm mostly scared, I don't understand why. I just can't click with people at all.

I'm not sure if it's my sub-conscial arrogance, or it's just the way I am. But for whatever reason, I am so grateful for Katie.

Eighteen minutes.

I'm not sure why I'm typing. I just felt like expressing some feelings, because at the moment I've got no-one else to talk to.

That's also got me thinking, these forums.

If I hadn't gone looking for news two years ago, and hadn't tried to win a game, or more to the point, if I hadn't won a game two years ago, would I still be here? If I hadn't met Stryke, Reaper, if they hadn't found these forums? If Katie hadn't come on here and I missed her post, if I didn't get her MSN or for a million other reasons... It's because of these forums that I found out what I really wanted to do with my life, it's because of these forums that I found people I could truly communicate to and love, it's because of these forums that I finally began to understand myself, face my past, and move on. I guess I've got a lot to thank you lot for.

I understand so much now, and there's so much more to learn. I've got so much more to do and achieve, and so much to show to the world. It's hard to keep strong sometimes, especially considering that everything I seem to do is one big gamble. I've gambled so much, and I've ended up happy. I refuse to trust my instincts even after they've given me so much.

What sort of person can do the sort of things I dream of? Perhaps that's not the question.

What sort of person can truly follow their dreams? People don't fail because they're shot down, people fail because they stop trying. I have plenty of time, and I certainly have plenty of support. There's not much that can really stop me now.

Ten minutes left.

I'm animating Amneshire now, which is why it's not being wrote in. I'll add chapters to it, nowhere near as often, however. And it's being rewritten too, as there are a few things that don't add up. Monkeys becoming cows, etc.

It had got to the point when I was so worried about my ego overtaking everything I was doing, I just ended up not doing anything at all.

I'm proud of what I do. What I do, makes me different to everybody on this planet. I may not be as good and as detailed as some, but I have character. I know what characters are, I know how people work, and I know what people love. I know what people enjoy. It's about the only thing I can really do, tell stories. And what's more, I enjoy it.

So what if I'm shot down by people who don't like what I do? There is much you can learn from me, and much you can learn about yourselves, I'm sure. I do things because they make me happy, and I enjoy them. I enjoy making others happy, and in essense, that's all I'm really trying to do.

And anyway, what else do I have to do? We've all been given a life. I've made my decision to live my life this way. I don't really have anything better to do. So don't shoot me down.

Guess that's it. That's my mind for today. Five minutes left, might as well post.

Well, see you guys later, hope everything's fine with you lot. Ta ta.

Hey, don't give up hope, I might be bi.

And erm, you've confused me a bit, er-no.

Grix Thraves wrote:
> it'll take a little while to get used to, but the
> underlying thing is, she makes me happy.

We've all had our suspicions about you for some time now :)

Grix Thraves wrote:
> I'm very much in love with Katie. If she had a trunk, I'd get turned
> off a little, and it'll take a little while to get used to, but the
> underlying thing is, she makes me happy. So neerrr.
>
> And yes, I laughed too.

Prior to Grix's laughter he tried to think of a witty reply.

He failed.

I'm very much in love with Katie. If she had a trunk, I'd get turned off a little, and it'll take a little while to get used to, but the underlying thing is, she makes me happy. So neerrr.

And yes, I laughed too.

SHEEPY wrote:
> It was a serious question

I suppose it is, brings up the "personality over looks" debate.


Would that make her The Elephant-Woman?

It was a serious question

Why well done. I think it was a stupid comment by Sheepy that wasn't really needed.

Still, I am a strong enough guy to not have sniggered and still have a serious atitude towards Grix's post :D

*sniggers*

I want to hear his answer...

SHEEPY wrote:
> What if she had a trunk?

I just came across that while skimming through everything.

I nearly spat a mouthful of drink over the keyboard.

Well done.

What if she had a trunk?