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"Jokes ..."

I'll start off ...

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

Shame really - would have been good to get everybody's jokes on here!

Ah leave it, obviously thread closed.

An Iowan man walks into an Akansas bar and asks for a drink

"Yer not from round ere are ya?" The barman says.

"No, I'm from Iowa." replies the chap

"S'wot you do in Iowa?" the barman questions

"I'm a taxidermist" the Iowan replies quietly.

"What in God's name a taxidermist do?" The barman says bullishly

"We mount and stuff animals..." the man starts...

"Its ok boys, put down ya weapons," the barman interrupts

"He's one of us"

And a few from another of my faves Les Dawson.......

In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.

Tommorrow it's the mother-in-law's funeral...and she's cancelled it.

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.

The wife's Mother said, "When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave." I said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea."

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussard's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stock-taking'

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

A few Tommy Cooper quotes:

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said, 'Do you earn a living doing that?'. He said, 'Yes, this my livelihood'.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

Knock Knock
Who's there
An interupting cow
An interupting c-
Mooo!

A Scotsman Englishman and Irishman are all on death row, they are eached offered a way to die, to be hung, to be shot or to be injected with aids.

After the long walk the scotsman sits down and tells his executioner that he wants to be hung and so he dies.

The Englishman sits down and tells his executioner he wants to be shot, so the executioner shoots him.

The Irishman sits down and asks to be injected with aids. The executioner injects him, and the Irishman starts laughing. The executioner puzzled injects him with aids again and again the Irishman starts laughing.

The executioner curious asks the Irishman 'Why are you laughing?'

The Irishman says 'Hahaha Im wearing a condom'.

I'll start off ...

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"