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"The Peculiar Life of Crispian LeCrist"

1946
Crispian LeCrist (real name Donald Brown) is born in Doncaster, England. Tragically, his mother (a prostitute and opium-addict) dies soon after giving birth.

1957
Whilst playing in woodlands, LeCrist dives into a duck pond and puts his hands through the soft decaying body of a submerged dog. He is so traumatized by this experience that he refuses to leave the confines of his bedroom for 6 weeks.

1960
LeCrist burns down his family home and points the finger of suspicion at ill-favoured Danny Flavagan who lives next door. Flavagan (a sickly child) is eventually put on trial for arson and is subsequently locked up in a juvenile prison where he later commits suicide.

1964
LeCrist runs away from home and travels to Prague where he joins a band of Bohemian street entertainers. After only 3 weeks in the Czech capital, LeCrist is arrested on charges of criminal damage and aggravated assault against 69 year old Igor Topov, a one-armed ice-cream man known professionally as Mister Curly-Top. LeCrist is found guilty and deported.

1966
LeCrist settles in London and becomes involved in the shadowy underworld of occultism and black magic. In May of this year he meets self-styled "Beast 666" Aleister Crowley. Soon after, LeCrist joins Crowley's magickal order, and in a letter to his brother declares that he has "found his true purpose in life".

1967
LeCrist participates in a bizarre occult ritual at a Satanic lodge where the naked corpse of Mary Shuttlecock (the 17 year old daughter of the Lord Mayor) is found spread-eagled on an altar smeared in ram's blood. LeCrist is questioned by detectives from Scotland Yard, but is later released.

1968-1976
(Often referred to as "the missing years") - During this time LeCrist is said to have lived as a "wildman" in the forests and mountains of Transylvania. In his diary he wrote: "I killed for my bite and I boiled for my sup, and then I slept, and then I dreamed...."

1977
LeCrist surfaces in California where he stars in 4 hardcore pornographic flicks: "Rammers 6", "Goldilocks & the Seven Dongs", "Pinky & Pervy", and "Super Suckers From Dusseldorf".

1979
After communicating with a shimmering unicorn in a dream, LeCrist sells everything he owns and hitch-hikes to Tibet where he becomes a Zen Buddhist monk.

1981
LeCrist is banished from his mountain-top monastery after admitting to having sexual intercourse with two Swedish tourists in a sacred temple.

1983
LeCrist discovers he has a talent for writing, and during the summer of this year pens his first book :
HOW TO GIVE BIRTH TO A MONSTER - A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE.

1984
Consumed and inspired by mesmeric visions and strange inner-voices, LeCrist writes and publishes two more works:
OF NIGHT-SCOPES & SHADOW-KIST FLESH - A PEEPING TOM MASTERCLASS,
and
TRAMPOMANCY - HOW TO PREDICT THE FUTURE BY SNIFFING THE BODY ODOUR OF VAGABOUNDS.

1985
In a ramshackle apartment somewhere in Venice, LeCrist writes his penultimate and arguably most notorious book:
THE NEGLECTED ART OF FLASHING - ESSENTIAL MOVES & STRATEGIES.

1987
Even though LeCrist is now guzzling 3 large bottles of rum a day, he manages to finish his final and most peculiar volume:
CODSWALLOP, ADVANCED CODSWALLOP, EXPERT CODSWALLOP & DOWNRIGHT TOMMYROT - HOW TO BE AN OUT-AND-OUT PILLOCK.
After the book is published, an exhausted and wasted LeCrist scribbles in his diary that his writing days are over.

1990
LeCrist is admitted to a lunatic asylum after he mutilates his genitals with a hammer and chisel on a crowded train. As he is frog-marched away by the police, he is heard to yell at shocked onlookers: "Are you a rock in need of a sculptor, or a sculptor in need of a rock?".

1993
LeCrist mails 15,000 postcards to celebrities and well-known personalities all over the world - (including members of the Royal Family). Each postcard contains the identical message:
"Life is like an elaborate lucky-dip:
there are those who find the fruit;
there are those who find the gold;
there are those who find something of little worth;
there are those who rummage around and find nothing;
there are those who find the booby prize;
and then there are those who find the mouse-trap. Ouch."

1995
Back in Doncaster, and now crippled by drug and alcohol abuse, LeCrist suffers a massive heart-attack whilst sitting on the toilet and dies aged 49.

A week later, only one person turned up to his funeral. After the vicar had finished his blessing, the unknown man stood over LeCrist's place of rest and spat on his grave.

Mr.Snuggly wrote:
> Well you had me fooled. Nice post indeed.

*

I was reading a chronology of some medieval guy and it read like a far-fetched story, so I thought I'd try to invent my own brief life history of a ficticious character.

My favourite bit of a book I had to read on Louis XI was an entirely random footnote that described how some bit player in an attempted coup had once been found naked in bed stroking two goats.

That's not on.
Did they mind?

Result! Thanks Mr.Snuggly/SR. My first GAD win in the Life Forum. Feels good. :))

Brilliant post Nomad. Very original and somewhat twisted. Congrats on the GAD.

Nobody deserves a GAD more. Nice one. But I told my mate all about LeCrisp and now im gonna heve to tell him it was all a fabrication. *sigh*

Electrum wrote:

> LeCrisp

whoops. le Crist

Electrum wrote:
> Nobody deserves a GAD more. Nice one. But I told my mate all about
> LeCrisp and now im gonna heve to tell him it was all a fabrication.
> *sigh*

*

Thanks. Sorry it was all just made up :)

*Claps*

well deserved GAD for an original and innovative piece of writing.

Thanks, that's kind of you to say so.