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[I know it's to do with gaming, but hell. It's just imaginative (HA!) writing, so I'll plop it out in here.]
A NEW PRODUCTION FROM THE AWARD WINNING* THRAVES DOCUMENTARY TEAM
* I think I won GAD with one of these once.
Welcome.
When we talk about age old classic fighting games, it's often the arguement that Street Fighter 2 and Mortal Kombat were the best. People who liked Mortal Kombat often would end up shooting their classmates, but that's beside the point, and beside the topic.
For the past year, me and my brain, Leon, have been hunting the world, tracking down the Street Fighters, and finding out what they're up to now.
Why? Because we're both sick to death of f**king spoof after spoof.
(Yup. They wouldn't be too bad if they were any good.)
Naturally. Anyway, I took the top row, my brain took the bottom row, and we set off to find them.
(Not the ones from Super Street Fighter though, because they were crap and don't deserve to be mentioned. Bruce Lee rips offs, etc.)
-----------
*FIGHT!*
Ryu was easy to track down. After leaving the Street Fighting ring, contary to what it says at the end credits, Ryu today works as a stunt double.
"I didn't even realise Chuck Norris had a stunt double." I say. "And you look nothing like him."
"It was only for the acting parts in that one, though."
"I see. So, tell us your story, Ryu."
"Sure. After I won the Street Fighting World Championship for the second time, I set out looking for a new challenge, not even bothering to stay for the awards presentation."
"Then what happened?"
"I bought a newspaper and saw an ad for a karate expert to teach Hollywood actors how to fight. I applied, and got the job straight away."
"Cool." I scratch my hair nervously. I never liked using Ryu. He scared me. "Did you teach anyone famous?"
"Oh, yes. Anthony Hopkins had to punch someone in Hannibal. That took about... six, seven months of training. Often, he'd just turn up late, admitting 'So sorry, just couldn't be bothered today.'"
"You do a great impression of him."
"Thanks."
"Then you left, I believe?"
"Yeah, well, it wasn't exactly my choice. I was trying to teach my Dragon Punch to Christopher Lee, when he had me taken away and locked up."
"What? Why?"
"He said I kept asking if he was called Ken, or something. I haven't seen Ken in ages. How's he doing?"
"Err, no idea."
"Oh."
"So... then?"
"Special effects team for a while. I made fireballs, until I burnt down the west wing of Warner Bros studios."
At this point, I just got too scared and run off. His eyes are just too intense. Ugh. He's pretty boring anyway.
------------
*FIGHT*
(I found myself in Memphis, in a small corner of a hair saloon.)
"Hi there! I'm Ken, and I'll be your barber! How are you doing? Nice weather we're having!"
(Hi Ken. I'm doing research for a British documentary into how games characters fall from grace once we get bored of them.)
"Oh! Wow! I was in a computer game once, it was called Street Fighter 2, do you remember?"
(No, tell me more.)
"Well." (Ken sat down at this point, and crossed his legs.) "It was this great big game, where you had to fight people from alll over the world." (Ken uses hand gestures and facial expressions to emphasise many words.) "I won it, it was fantastic."
(You won the Street Fighting Championship?)
"Yup." (Ken stands back up, and continues to search for my hair.) "What would you like done, anyway?"
(Just a shave, please. And not too much off, I don't want to have to walk around wearing a jumper again.)
"Oh, sure darling." Ken gets out the shavers.
(Did you ever stop to think about how badly messed up the Japanese image of Americans was? I mean, they tried to turn you into a surfer stroke sex god, but you just ended up as a gay poof.)
"What number?"
(Four, please.)
------------------------
*FIGHT*
My next visit was to E. Honda's new business. We should have guessed, really.
"My hundred hand slap came in very useful indeed, yes." Mr Honda bowed. I think he's called Edmund, but I don't want a slap. Not with those arms.
"So, you opened a massage parlour?"
Edmund laughed and clutched his chest, but no noise came out. "Yes. And I ate a lot."
"I see."
"Would you like a massage?"
"No."
-----------------------
*FIGHT*
(I always fancied you.)
Chun Li screwed her face up in disgust.
(I loved doing all your kick moves. You have lovely thighs. Sometimes you could see your knickers.)
"Don't touch me."
(Tell me about what you're doing these days.)
"No. Go away or I'll break your arms."
(Mmm. I bet you would, darling.)
"Seriously. I'll snap you in two."
(You know, it really turns me on when you speak like that.)
(Chun Li walked off. I still haven't a clue what she was doing. But she was still in China. Probably crying over a grave or something, and putting flowers down.)
------------------
*FIGHT*
Blanka lives in the Brasilian Rainforest. He eats the men that try to tear down his trees. He also powers the floodlights at the nearby football stadium on weekends.
"I always used to be you when I played Street Fighter."
Blanka roars. "Ha ha. You weak button bashing player! HA HA!"
"Shut up. I did your roll thing too. Your attacks were strong and cool."
"WEAK PLAAAYYYER." Blanka shouts, taking a serious face and pointing at mine.
"Don't do that."
Blanka sat down, moving his chin around so he looks like a thoughtful chimp, and announces he needs the toilet.
Blanka still lives with his mother.
----------------
*FIGHT*
(Your moves were nicked straight out of Final Fight.)
"So? Whatcha gonna do about it?"
(Nothing. I just think you were a crap character, and it was always the ones that never played it but wanted to look cool in front of all the girls that chose you.)
"True. True." (Zangief says, and looks at the floor.)
(But anyway, what are you up to these days?)
"I'm a bouncer at a night club in Essex." (Zangief says.) "They say next week, they're going to let me do a little dj-ing on stage, if I'm good. I'm very excited."
(At this point, I walk off. I feel like calling Grix, and telling him I cannot be bothered with this anymore, but I keep on, in the hope that I may gain something important from this.)
----------------
*FIGHT*
"I garden mostly, these days." Guile says, randomly.
"Do you think Jean Claud Van Damn bloke represented you well?"
"EH?"
I'm a little taken aback. Guile, now with long white hair, doesn't seem quite himself.
"You know? The Street Fighter film?"
"I garden mostly, these days." Guile says, before looking at the floor and mouthing the words 'sonic boom' to himself.
"Yes... you told me that, but have you seen the film?"
"EH?"
Guile rejoined the army after... winning the Street Fighter Championship. He was the single cause of his friends death. He went a bit mad.
Guile mouths 'sonic boom' at the floor again, and grins wide eyed. I begin to realise this is the scariest moment of my life.
"Guile?"
At once, Guile jumps on me, shouting 'SONIC BOOM!' over and over, and messing up my hair violently.
"ARGHHHH!"
"SONIC BOOM SONIC BOOM SONIC BOOM SONIC BOOM!" Guile yells, as he shuffles my hair about.
Two guards pull Guile off me, and take him back to his room, where he's told he can go see his garden in an hour.
"It's a photo on a wall." The guard whispers, as they lock him away.
----------------------
*FIGHT*
(Dhalsim sits before me, a limb wrapped around one of four women sitting around him. I feel a little queasy.)
"I kinda gave up on the religion thing." Dhalsim says. "These days, we just have fun, don't we ladies?"
The four women reply "yesss" in unison.
(I didn't realise yoga training extended to the genitals.)
"It shouldn't, but I became very lonely in India. But not so much now! Ha ha!"
(So... four women? You must be a very tired man.)
"It's more like about twenty, actually."
"Oh."
"I'm making love to one in another room as we speak."
(Bye.)
(There's a lesson for us all, here.)
---------------------------
*FIGHT*
After tracking down phone number and address etc, I find out that Balrog actually died in a toilet accident, and nobody cared.
Which is lucky, because it would have been hell interviewing him. It'll probably be as exciting as interviewing his dead body.
So I'll do that.
"Evening Balrog. I guess you won the Street Fighter Championship as well?"
"..."
"I see. What became of the rumours that you were in fact, just a scouser, not another stereotypical American?"
"..."
"You were a crap character, you know. Not even the designers liked you."
"..."
----------------
*FIGHT*
(After... winning the Street Fighter Championship, and defeating his arch nemesis Ryu, Sagat turned his head to BBC period costume dramas, and is currently filming 'Buttercups and Joanna', a tale of a young girl who falls in love with a man in a suit, who happens to have an eye patch. They were filming the "oh, we fell into the lake" bit when I arrived.)
"It's a very interesting piece of drama." (Sagat tells us.) "Her parents disprove of marrying me because of my obvious disability." (Sagat points to his eye, then continues.) "So it's just the kind of decision she has to make, should she follow her heart and run off with me, or be restricted by her parents and marry another man they have prepared."
(It's only people who are stuck in loveless lives that watch these, you realise. It's their only escape from the fact they feel utterly unloved.)
"..."
(They're just very weak people, and you're encouraging them to stay weak. You should be ashamed of yourself.)
"But... if this their only escape, then surely we're doing something right?" (Sagat asks.)
(...Possibly. You've matured a lot.)
"Thank you."
-------------------
*FIGHT*
"Hi there." I say.
Vega sits before me.
I still haven't a clue.
"So... what do you get up to these days?" I ask.
"Oh, I work in a bank."
I nod. That didn't help me at all.
"I see... so, what's your official title, working there?"
"...Banking... Assistant...?"
"Ah."
Me and my brain have argued since we ever first played Street Fighter 2. I firmly believe Vega is a man. Leon believes Vega is a woman.
"So, what sort of person do you go for?"
"Eh?"
"Say... are you single?"
"Yes."
"Then... are you looking for love?"
"Is this a proposition?" Vega asks.
"No no no... erm..." I scratch my head. "What sort of build do you go for?"
"Medium."
I nod. "Keep going."
"Well... I don't know. Just... in proportion."
"In proportion where?" I ask.
"You're very rude."
I swallow my pride. "Look, do you find me attractive?"
"No, not at all."
Then I realised that didn't actually answer anything. Leon would kill me if I didn't find out.
"Look. I know this woman, and she really finds you attractive... would you, you know, like to be set up with her?"
"Well... it's not what I normally do, but you know, could be fun."
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!
"So you'll go out with her?"
"Yeah, sure. Give me her number."
I feel around my pockets... "Oh... damn, I forgot it. Sorry."
"Oh... shame. I was getting excited." She... he... says.
"Ok... ok. If someone came up to you, and said... 'Mr Vega sir, can I have an autograph?' What would you say?"
"I wouldn't say anything, I'd just rip their eyes out."
"Oh! Why?" I ask.
"Because I hate giving autographs." Vega says, and sits back.
"So you're a man then?"
"What?"
-------------------
*FIGHT*
(M. Bison, if you didn't realise, now rules the world. I met him in his office.)
"Don't I know you?" (M. Bison asks me.)
(No. Never. You've never seen me. I have to go.)
"Yes... yes, I know you... something about... Bill Gates..."
(It's your imagination. I have to go now.)
"No! Don't go! Nobody ever lis..."
(I shut the door behind me. M. Bison now rules the world. He just didn't realise how much paperwork he had to do.)
---------------
Well, that was timewasting.
(You could say that again Grix. Today I learnt that if you ever get bored, don't ever try to entertain people, because you'll only end up making a right fool of yourself.)
Some of it was funny.
(Most of it wasn't.)
So. I tried.
(Shut up.)
Until the next time. Bah bye.
A NEW PRODUCTION FROM THE AWARD WINNING* THRAVES DOCUMENTARY TEAM
* I think I won GAD with one of these once.
Welcome.
When we talk about age old classic fighting games, it's often the arguement that Street Fighter 2 and Mortal Kombat were the best. People who liked Mortal Kombat often would end up shooting their classmates, but that's beside the point, and beside the topic.
For the past year, me and my brain, Leon, have been hunting the world, tracking down the Street Fighters, and finding out what they're up to now.
Why? Because we're both sick to death of f**king spoof after spoof.
(Yup. They wouldn't be too bad if they were any good.)
Naturally. Anyway, I took the top row, my brain took the bottom row, and we set off to find them.
(Not the ones from Super Street Fighter though, because they were crap and don't deserve to be mentioned. Bruce Lee rips offs, etc.)
-----------
*FIGHT!*
Ryu was easy to track down. After leaving the Street Fighting ring, contary to what it says at the end credits, Ryu today works as a stunt double.
"I didn't even realise Chuck Norris had a stunt double." I say. "And you look nothing like him."
"It was only for the acting parts in that one, though."
"I see. So, tell us your story, Ryu."
"Sure. After I won the Street Fighting World Championship for the second time, I set out looking for a new challenge, not even bothering to stay for the awards presentation."
"Then what happened?"
"I bought a newspaper and saw an ad for a karate expert to teach Hollywood actors how to fight. I applied, and got the job straight away."
"Cool." I scratch my hair nervously. I never liked using Ryu. He scared me. "Did you teach anyone famous?"
"Oh, yes. Anthony Hopkins had to punch someone in Hannibal. That took about... six, seven months of training. Often, he'd just turn up late, admitting 'So sorry, just couldn't be bothered today.'"
"You do a great impression of him."
"Thanks."
"Then you left, I believe?"
"Yeah, well, it wasn't exactly my choice. I was trying to teach my Dragon Punch to Christopher Lee, when he had me taken away and locked up."
"What? Why?"
"He said I kept asking if he was called Ken, or something. I haven't seen Ken in ages. How's he doing?"
"Err, no idea."
"Oh."
"So... then?"
"Special effects team for a while. I made fireballs, until I burnt down the west wing of Warner Bros studios."
At this point, I just got too scared and run off. His eyes are just too intense. Ugh. He's pretty boring anyway.
------------
*FIGHT*
(I found myself in Memphis, in a small corner of a hair saloon.)
"Hi there! I'm Ken, and I'll be your barber! How are you doing? Nice weather we're having!"
(Hi Ken. I'm doing research for a British documentary into how games characters fall from grace once we get bored of them.)
"Oh! Wow! I was in a computer game once, it was called Street Fighter 2, do you remember?"
(No, tell me more.)
"Well." (Ken sat down at this point, and crossed his legs.) "It was this great big game, where you had to fight people from alll over the world." (Ken uses hand gestures and facial expressions to emphasise many words.) "I won it, it was fantastic."
(You won the Street Fighting Championship?)
"Yup." (Ken stands back up, and continues to search for my hair.) "What would you like done, anyway?"
(Just a shave, please. And not too much off, I don't want to have to walk around wearing a jumper again.)
"Oh, sure darling." Ken gets out the shavers.
(Did you ever stop to think about how badly messed up the Japanese image of Americans was? I mean, they tried to turn you into a surfer stroke sex god, but you just ended up as a gay poof.)
"What number?"
(Four, please.)
------------------------
*FIGHT*
My next visit was to E. Honda's new business. We should have guessed, really.
"My hundred hand slap came in very useful indeed, yes." Mr Honda bowed. I think he's called Edmund, but I don't want a slap. Not with those arms.
"So, you opened a massage parlour?"
Edmund laughed and clutched his chest, but no noise came out. "Yes. And I ate a lot."
"I see."
"Would you like a massage?"
"No."
-----------------------
*FIGHT*
(I always fancied you.)
Chun Li screwed her face up in disgust.
(I loved doing all your kick moves. You have lovely thighs. Sometimes you could see your knickers.)
"Don't touch me."
(Tell me about what you're doing these days.)
"No. Go away or I'll break your arms."
(Mmm. I bet you would, darling.)
"Seriously. I'll snap you in two."
(You know, it really turns me on when you speak like that.)
(Chun Li walked off. I still haven't a clue what she was doing. But she was still in China. Probably crying over a grave or something, and putting flowers down.)
------------------
*FIGHT*
Blanka lives in the Brasilian Rainforest. He eats the men that try to tear down his trees. He also powers the floodlights at the nearby football stadium on weekends.
"I always used to be you when I played Street Fighter."
Blanka roars. "Ha ha. You weak button bashing player! HA HA!"
"Shut up. I did your roll thing too. Your attacks were strong and cool."
"WEAK PLAAAYYYER." Blanka shouts, taking a serious face and pointing at mine.
"Don't do that."
Blanka sat down, moving his chin around so he looks like a thoughtful chimp, and announces he needs the toilet.
Blanka still lives with his mother.
----------------
*FIGHT*
(Your moves were nicked straight out of Final Fight.)
"So? Whatcha gonna do about it?"
(Nothing. I just think you were a crap character, and it was always the ones that never played it but wanted to look cool in front of all the girls that chose you.)
"True. True." (Zangief says, and looks at the floor.)
(But anyway, what are you up to these days?)
"I'm a bouncer at a night club in Essex." (Zangief says.) "They say next week, they're going to let me do a little dj-ing on stage, if I'm good. I'm very excited."
(At this point, I walk off. I feel like calling Grix, and telling him I cannot be bothered with this anymore, but I keep on, in the hope that I may gain something important from this.)
----------------
*FIGHT*
"I garden mostly, these days." Guile says, randomly.
"Do you think Jean Claud Van Damn bloke represented you well?"
"EH?"
I'm a little taken aback. Guile, now with long white hair, doesn't seem quite himself.
"You know? The Street Fighter film?"
"I garden mostly, these days." Guile says, before looking at the floor and mouthing the words 'sonic boom' to himself.
"Yes... you told me that, but have you seen the film?"
"EH?"
Guile rejoined the army after... winning the Street Fighter Championship. He was the single cause of his friends death. He went a bit mad.
Guile mouths 'sonic boom' at the floor again, and grins wide eyed. I begin to realise this is the scariest moment of my life.
"Guile?"
At once, Guile jumps on me, shouting 'SONIC BOOM!' over and over, and messing up my hair violently.
"ARGHHHH!"
"SONIC BOOM SONIC BOOM SONIC BOOM SONIC BOOM!" Guile yells, as he shuffles my hair about.
Two guards pull Guile off me, and take him back to his room, where he's told he can go see his garden in an hour.
"It's a photo on a wall." The guard whispers, as they lock him away.
----------------------
*FIGHT*
(Dhalsim sits before me, a limb wrapped around one of four women sitting around him. I feel a little queasy.)
"I kinda gave up on the religion thing." Dhalsim says. "These days, we just have fun, don't we ladies?"
The four women reply "yesss" in unison.
(I didn't realise yoga training extended to the genitals.)
"It shouldn't, but I became very lonely in India. But not so much now! Ha ha!"
(So... four women? You must be a very tired man.)
"It's more like about twenty, actually."
"Oh."
"I'm making love to one in another room as we speak."
(Bye.)
(There's a lesson for us all, here.)
---------------------------
*FIGHT*
After tracking down phone number and address etc, I find out that Balrog actually died in a toilet accident, and nobody cared.
Which is lucky, because it would have been hell interviewing him. It'll probably be as exciting as interviewing his dead body.
So I'll do that.
"Evening Balrog. I guess you won the Street Fighter Championship as well?"
"..."
"I see. What became of the rumours that you were in fact, just a scouser, not another stereotypical American?"
"..."
"You were a crap character, you know. Not even the designers liked you."
"..."
----------------
*FIGHT*
(After... winning the Street Fighter Championship, and defeating his arch nemesis Ryu, Sagat turned his head to BBC period costume dramas, and is currently filming 'Buttercups and Joanna', a tale of a young girl who falls in love with a man in a suit, who happens to have an eye patch. They were filming the "oh, we fell into the lake" bit when I arrived.)
"It's a very interesting piece of drama." (Sagat tells us.) "Her parents disprove of marrying me because of my obvious disability." (Sagat points to his eye, then continues.) "So it's just the kind of decision she has to make, should she follow her heart and run off with me, or be restricted by her parents and marry another man they have prepared."
(It's only people who are stuck in loveless lives that watch these, you realise. It's their only escape from the fact they feel utterly unloved.)
"..."
(They're just very weak people, and you're encouraging them to stay weak. You should be ashamed of yourself.)
"But... if this their only escape, then surely we're doing something right?" (Sagat asks.)
(...Possibly. You've matured a lot.)
"Thank you."
-------------------
*FIGHT*
"Hi there." I say.
Vega sits before me.
I still haven't a clue.
"So... what do you get up to these days?" I ask.
"Oh, I work in a bank."
I nod. That didn't help me at all.
"I see... so, what's your official title, working there?"
"...Banking... Assistant...?"
"Ah."
Me and my brain have argued since we ever first played Street Fighter 2. I firmly believe Vega is a man. Leon believes Vega is a woman.
"So, what sort of person do you go for?"
"Eh?"
"Say... are you single?"
"Yes."
"Then... are you looking for love?"
"Is this a proposition?" Vega asks.
"No no no... erm..." I scratch my head. "What sort of build do you go for?"
"Medium."
I nod. "Keep going."
"Well... I don't know. Just... in proportion."
"In proportion where?" I ask.
"You're very rude."
I swallow my pride. "Look, do you find me attractive?"
"No, not at all."
Then I realised that didn't actually answer anything. Leon would kill me if I didn't find out.
"Look. I know this woman, and she really finds you attractive... would you, you know, like to be set up with her?"
"Well... it's not what I normally do, but you know, could be fun."
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!
"So you'll go out with her?"
"Yeah, sure. Give me her number."
I feel around my pockets... "Oh... damn, I forgot it. Sorry."
"Oh... shame. I was getting excited." She... he... says.
"Ok... ok. If someone came up to you, and said... 'Mr Vega sir, can I have an autograph?' What would you say?"
"I wouldn't say anything, I'd just rip their eyes out."
"Oh! Why?" I ask.
"Because I hate giving autographs." Vega says, and sits back.
"So you're a man then?"
"What?"
-------------------
*FIGHT*
(M. Bison, if you didn't realise, now rules the world. I met him in his office.)
"Don't I know you?" (M. Bison asks me.)
(No. Never. You've never seen me. I have to go.)
"Yes... yes, I know you... something about... Bill Gates..."
(It's your imagination. I have to go now.)
"No! Don't go! Nobody ever lis..."
(I shut the door behind me. M. Bison now rules the world. He just didn't realise how much paperwork he had to do.)
---------------
Well, that was timewasting.
(You could say that again Grix. Today I learnt that if you ever get bored, don't ever try to entertain people, because you'll only end up making a right fool of yourself.)
Some of it was funny.
(Most of it wasn't.)
So. I tried.
(Shut up.)
Until the next time. Bah bye.
Page:
Well I thought that was great Grix.
So, abandoning Chat altogether then?
I might post something similar here, once I finish it.
It might get more that 2 replies. :o)
So, abandoning Chat altogether then?
I might post something similar here, once I finish it.
It might get more that 2 replies. :o)
Funny.
No, really.
No, really.
Heheheh :-D
[I know it's to do with gaming, but hell. It's just imaginative (HA!) writing, so I'll plop it out in here.]
A NEW PRODUCTION FROM THE AWARD WINNING* THRAVES DOCUMENTARY TEAM
* I think I won GAD with one of these once.
Welcome.
When we talk about age old classic fighting games, it's often the arguement that Street Fighter 2 and Mortal Kombat were the best. People who liked Mortal Kombat often would end up shooting their classmates, but that's beside the point, and beside the topic.
For the past year, me and my brain, Leon, have been hunting the world, tracking down the Street Fighters, and finding out what they're up to now.
Why? Because we're both sick to death of f**king spoof after spoof.
(Yup. They wouldn't be too bad if they were any good.)
Naturally. Anyway, I took the top row, my brain took the bottom row, and we set off to find them.
(Not the ones from Super Street Fighter though, because they were crap and don't deserve to be mentioned. Bruce Lee rips offs, etc.)
-----------
*FIGHT!*
Ryu was easy to track down. After leaving the Street Fighting ring, contary to what it says at the end credits, Ryu today works as a stunt double.
"I didn't even realise Chuck Norris had a stunt double." I say. "And you look nothing like him."
"It was only for the acting parts in that one, though."
"I see. So, tell us your story, Ryu."
"Sure. After I won the Street Fighting World Championship for the second time, I set out looking for a new challenge, not even bothering to stay for the awards presentation."
"Then what happened?"
"I bought a newspaper and saw an ad for a karate expert to teach Hollywood actors how to fight. I applied, and got the job straight away."
"Cool." I scratch my hair nervously. I never liked using Ryu. He scared me. "Did you teach anyone famous?"
"Oh, yes. Anthony Hopkins had to punch someone in Hannibal. That took about... six, seven months of training. Often, he'd just turn up late, admitting 'So sorry, just couldn't be bothered today.'"
"You do a great impression of him."
"Thanks."
"Then you left, I believe?"
"Yeah, well, it wasn't exactly my choice. I was trying to teach my Dragon Punch to Christopher Lee, when he had me taken away and locked up."
"What? Why?"
"He said I kept asking if he was called Ken, or something. I haven't seen Ken in ages. How's he doing?"
"Err, no idea."
"Oh."
"So... then?"
"Special effects team for a while. I made fireballs, until I burnt down the west wing of Warner Bros studios."
At this point, I just got too scared and run off. His eyes are just too intense. Ugh. He's pretty boring anyway.
------------
*FIGHT*
(I found myself in Memphis, in a small corner of a hair saloon.)
"Hi there! I'm Ken, and I'll be your barber! How are you doing? Nice weather we're having!"
(Hi Ken. I'm doing research for a British documentary into how games characters fall from grace once we get bored of them.)
"Oh! Wow! I was in a computer game once, it was called Street Fighter 2, do you remember?"
(No, tell me more.)
"Well." (Ken sat down at this point, and crossed his legs.) "It was this great big game, where you had to fight people from alll over the world." (Ken uses hand gestures and facial expressions to emphasise many words.) "I won it, it was fantastic."
(You won the Street Fighting Championship?)
"Yup." (Ken stands back up, and continues to search for my hair.) "What would you like done, anyway?"
(Just a shave, please. And not too much off, I don't want to have to walk around wearing a jumper again.)
"Oh, sure darling." Ken gets out the shavers.
(Did you ever stop to think about how badly messed up the Japanese image of Americans was? I mean, they tried to turn you into a surfer stroke sex god, but you just ended up as a gay poof.)
"What number?"
(Four, please.)
------------------------
*FIGHT*
My next visit was to E. Honda's new business. We should have guessed, really.
"My hundred hand slap came in very useful indeed, yes." Mr Honda bowed. I think he's called Edmund, but I don't want a slap. Not with those arms.
"So, you opened a massage parlour?"
Edmund laughed and clutched his chest, but no noise came out. "Yes. And I ate a lot."
"I see."
"Would you like a massage?"
"No."
-----------------------
*FIGHT*
(I always fancied you.)
Chun Li screwed her face up in disgust.
(I loved doing all your kick moves. You have lovely thighs. Sometimes you could see your knickers.)
"Don't touch me."
(Tell me about what you're doing these days.)
"No. Go away or I'll break your arms."
(Mmm. I bet you would, darling.)
"Seriously. I'll snap you in two."
(You know, it really turns me on when you speak like that.)
(Chun Li walked off. I still haven't a clue what she was doing. But she was still in China. Probably crying over a grave or something, and putting flowers down.)
------------------
*FIGHT*
Blanka lives in the Brasilian Rainforest. He eats the men that try to tear down his trees. He also powers the floodlights at the nearby football stadium on weekends.
"I always used to be you when I played Street Fighter."
Blanka roars. "Ha ha. You weak button bashing player! HA HA!"
"Shut up. I did your roll thing too. Your attacks were strong and cool."
"WEAK PLAAAYYYER." Blanka shouts, taking a serious face and pointing at mine.
"Don't do that."
Blanka sat down, moving his chin around so he looks like a thoughtful chimp, and announces he needs the toilet.
Blanka still lives with his mother.
----------------
*FIGHT*
(Your moves were nicked straight out of Final Fight.)
"So? Whatcha gonna do about it?"
(Nothing. I just think you were a crap character, and it was always the ones that never played it but wanted to look cool in front of all the girls that chose you.)
"True. True." (Zangief says, and looks at the floor.)
(But anyway, what are you up to these days?)
"I'm a bouncer at a night club in Essex." (Zangief says.) "They say next week, they're going to let me do a little dj-ing on stage, if I'm good. I'm very excited."
(At this point, I walk off. I feel like calling Grix, and telling him I cannot be bothered with this anymore, but I keep on, in the hope that I may gain something important from this.)
----------------
*FIGHT*
"I garden mostly, these days." Guile says, randomly.
"Do you think Jean Claud Van Damn bloke represented you well?"
"EH?"
I'm a little taken aback. Guile, now with long white hair, doesn't seem quite himself.
"You know? The Street Fighter film?"
"I garden mostly, these days." Guile says, before looking at the floor and mouthing the words 'sonic boom' to himself.
"Yes... you told me that, but have you seen the film?"
"EH?"
Guile rejoined the army after... winning the Street Fighter Championship. He was the single cause of his friends death. He went a bit mad.
Guile mouths 'sonic boom' at the floor again, and grins wide eyed. I begin to realise this is the scariest moment of my life.
"Guile?"
At once, Guile jumps on me, shouting 'SONIC BOOM!' over and over, and messing up my hair violently.
"ARGHHHH!"
"SONIC BOOM SONIC BOOM SONIC BOOM SONIC BOOM!" Guile yells, as he shuffles my hair about.
Two guards pull Guile off me, and take him back to his room, where he's told he can go see his garden in an hour.
"It's a photo on a wall." The guard whispers, as they lock him away.
----------------------
*FIGHT*
(Dhalsim sits before me, a limb wrapped around one of four women sitting around him. I feel a little queasy.)
"I kinda gave up on the religion thing." Dhalsim says. "These days, we just have fun, don't we ladies?"
The four women reply "yesss" in unison.
(I didn't realise yoga training extended to the genitals.)
"It shouldn't, but I became very lonely in India. But not so much now! Ha ha!"
(So... four women? You must be a very tired man.)
"It's more like about twenty, actually."
"Oh."
"I'm making love to one in another room as we speak."
(Bye.)
(There's a lesson for us all, here.)
---------------------------
*FIGHT*
After tracking down phone number and address etc, I find out that Balrog actually died in a toilet accident, and nobody cared.
Which is lucky, because it would have been hell interviewing him. It'll probably be as exciting as interviewing his dead body.
So I'll do that.
"Evening Balrog. I guess you won the Street Fighter Championship as well?"
"..."
"I see. What became of the rumours that you were in fact, just a scouser, not another stereotypical American?"
"..."
"You were a crap character, you know. Not even the designers liked you."
"..."
----------------
*FIGHT*
(After... winning the Street Fighter Championship, and defeating his arch nemesis Ryu, Sagat turned his head to BBC period costume dramas, and is currently filming 'Buttercups and Joanna', a tale of a young girl who falls in love with a man in a suit, who happens to have an eye patch. They were filming the "oh, we fell into the lake" bit when I arrived.)
"It's a very interesting piece of drama." (Sagat tells us.) "Her parents disprove of marrying me because of my obvious disability." (Sagat points to his eye, then continues.) "So it's just the kind of decision she has to make, should she follow her heart and run off with me, or be restricted by her parents and marry another man they have prepared."
(It's only people who are stuck in loveless lives that watch these, you realise. It's their only escape from the fact they feel utterly unloved.)
"..."
(They're just very weak people, and you're encouraging them to stay weak. You should be ashamed of yourself.)
"But... if this their only escape, then surely we're doing something right?" (Sagat asks.)
(...Possibly. You've matured a lot.)
"Thank you."
-------------------
*FIGHT*
"Hi there." I say.
Vega sits before me.
I still haven't a clue.
"So... what do you get up to these days?" I ask.
"Oh, I work in a bank."
I nod. That didn't help me at all.
"I see... so, what's your official title, working there?"
"...Banking... Assistant...?"
"Ah."
Me and my brain have argued since we ever first played Street Fighter 2. I firmly believe Vega is a man. Leon believes Vega is a woman.
"So, what sort of person do you go for?"
"Eh?"
"Say... are you single?"
"Yes."
"Then... are you looking for love?"
"Is this a proposition?" Vega asks.
"No no no... erm..." I scratch my head. "What sort of build do you go for?"
"Medium."
I nod. "Keep going."
"Well... I don't know. Just... in proportion."
"In proportion where?" I ask.
"You're very rude."
I swallow my pride. "Look, do you find me attractive?"
"No, not at all."
Then I realised that didn't actually answer anything. Leon would kill me if I didn't find out.
"Look. I know this woman, and she really finds you attractive... would you, you know, like to be set up with her?"
"Well... it's not what I normally do, but you know, could be fun."
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!
"So you'll go out with her?"
"Yeah, sure. Give me her number."
I feel around my pockets... "Oh... damn, I forgot it. Sorry."
"Oh... shame. I was getting excited." She... he... says.
"Ok... ok. If someone came up to you, and said... 'Mr Vega sir, can I have an autograph?' What would you say?"
"I wouldn't say anything, I'd just rip their eyes out."
"Oh! Why?" I ask.
"Because I hate giving autographs." Vega says, and sits back.
"So you're a man then?"
"What?"
-------------------
*FIGHT*
(M. Bison, if you didn't realise, now rules the world. I met him in his office.)
"Don't I know you?" (M. Bison asks me.)
(No. Never. You've never seen me. I have to go.)
"Yes... yes, I know you... something about... Bill Gates..."
(It's your imagination. I have to go now.)
"No! Don't go! Nobody ever lis..."
(I shut the door behind me. M. Bison now rules the world. He just didn't realise how much paperwork he had to do.)
---------------
Well, that was timewasting.
(You could say that again Grix. Today I learnt that if you ever get bored, don't ever try to entertain people, because you'll only end up making a right fool of yourself.)
Some of it was funny.
(Most of it wasn't.)
So. I tried.
(Shut up.)
Until the next time. Bah bye.
A NEW PRODUCTION FROM THE AWARD WINNING* THRAVES DOCUMENTARY TEAM
* I think I won GAD with one of these once.
Welcome.
When we talk about age old classic fighting games, it's often the arguement that Street Fighter 2 and Mortal Kombat were the best. People who liked Mortal Kombat often would end up shooting their classmates, but that's beside the point, and beside the topic.
For the past year, me and my brain, Leon, have been hunting the world, tracking down the Street Fighters, and finding out what they're up to now.
Why? Because we're both sick to death of f**king spoof after spoof.
(Yup. They wouldn't be too bad if they were any good.)
Naturally. Anyway, I took the top row, my brain took the bottom row, and we set off to find them.
(Not the ones from Super Street Fighter though, because they were crap and don't deserve to be mentioned. Bruce Lee rips offs, etc.)
-----------
*FIGHT!*
Ryu was easy to track down. After leaving the Street Fighting ring, contary to what it says at the end credits, Ryu today works as a stunt double.
"I didn't even realise Chuck Norris had a stunt double." I say. "And you look nothing like him."
"It was only for the acting parts in that one, though."
"I see. So, tell us your story, Ryu."
"Sure. After I won the Street Fighting World Championship for the second time, I set out looking for a new challenge, not even bothering to stay for the awards presentation."
"Then what happened?"
"I bought a newspaper and saw an ad for a karate expert to teach Hollywood actors how to fight. I applied, and got the job straight away."
"Cool." I scratch my hair nervously. I never liked using Ryu. He scared me. "Did you teach anyone famous?"
"Oh, yes. Anthony Hopkins had to punch someone in Hannibal. That took about... six, seven months of training. Often, he'd just turn up late, admitting 'So sorry, just couldn't be bothered today.'"
"You do a great impression of him."
"Thanks."
"Then you left, I believe?"
"Yeah, well, it wasn't exactly my choice. I was trying to teach my Dragon Punch to Christopher Lee, when he had me taken away and locked up."
"What? Why?"
"He said I kept asking if he was called Ken, or something. I haven't seen Ken in ages. How's he doing?"
"Err, no idea."
"Oh."
"So... then?"
"Special effects team for a while. I made fireballs, until I burnt down the west wing of Warner Bros studios."
At this point, I just got too scared and run off. His eyes are just too intense. Ugh. He's pretty boring anyway.
------------
*FIGHT*
(I found myself in Memphis, in a small corner of a hair saloon.)
"Hi there! I'm Ken, and I'll be your barber! How are you doing? Nice weather we're having!"
(Hi Ken. I'm doing research for a British documentary into how games characters fall from grace once we get bored of them.)
"Oh! Wow! I was in a computer game once, it was called Street Fighter 2, do you remember?"
(No, tell me more.)
"Well." (Ken sat down at this point, and crossed his legs.) "It was this great big game, where you had to fight people from alll over the world." (Ken uses hand gestures and facial expressions to emphasise many words.) "I won it, it was fantastic."
(You won the Street Fighting Championship?)
"Yup." (Ken stands back up, and continues to search for my hair.) "What would you like done, anyway?"
(Just a shave, please. And not too much off, I don't want to have to walk around wearing a jumper again.)
"Oh, sure darling." Ken gets out the shavers.
(Did you ever stop to think about how badly messed up the Japanese image of Americans was? I mean, they tried to turn you into a surfer stroke sex god, but you just ended up as a gay poof.)
"What number?"
(Four, please.)
------------------------
*FIGHT*
My next visit was to E. Honda's new business. We should have guessed, really.
"My hundred hand slap came in very useful indeed, yes." Mr Honda bowed. I think he's called Edmund, but I don't want a slap. Not with those arms.
"So, you opened a massage parlour?"
Edmund laughed and clutched his chest, but no noise came out. "Yes. And I ate a lot."
"I see."
"Would you like a massage?"
"No."
-----------------------
*FIGHT*
(I always fancied you.)
Chun Li screwed her face up in disgust.
(I loved doing all your kick moves. You have lovely thighs. Sometimes you could see your knickers.)
"Don't touch me."
(Tell me about what you're doing these days.)
"No. Go away or I'll break your arms."
(Mmm. I bet you would, darling.)
"Seriously. I'll snap you in two."
(You know, it really turns me on when you speak like that.)
(Chun Li walked off. I still haven't a clue what she was doing. But she was still in China. Probably crying over a grave or something, and putting flowers down.)
------------------
*FIGHT*
Blanka lives in the Brasilian Rainforest. He eats the men that try to tear down his trees. He also powers the floodlights at the nearby football stadium on weekends.
"I always used to be you when I played Street Fighter."
Blanka roars. "Ha ha. You weak button bashing player! HA HA!"
"Shut up. I did your roll thing too. Your attacks were strong and cool."
"WEAK PLAAAYYYER." Blanka shouts, taking a serious face and pointing at mine.
"Don't do that."
Blanka sat down, moving his chin around so he looks like a thoughtful chimp, and announces he needs the toilet.
Blanka still lives with his mother.
----------------
*FIGHT*
(Your moves were nicked straight out of Final Fight.)
"So? Whatcha gonna do about it?"
(Nothing. I just think you were a crap character, and it was always the ones that never played it but wanted to look cool in front of all the girls that chose you.)
"True. True." (Zangief says, and looks at the floor.)
(But anyway, what are you up to these days?)
"I'm a bouncer at a night club in Essex." (Zangief says.) "They say next week, they're going to let me do a little dj-ing on stage, if I'm good. I'm very excited."
(At this point, I walk off. I feel like calling Grix, and telling him I cannot be bothered with this anymore, but I keep on, in the hope that I may gain something important from this.)
----------------
*FIGHT*
"I garden mostly, these days." Guile says, randomly.
"Do you think Jean Claud Van Damn bloke represented you well?"
"EH?"
I'm a little taken aback. Guile, now with long white hair, doesn't seem quite himself.
"You know? The Street Fighter film?"
"I garden mostly, these days." Guile says, before looking at the floor and mouthing the words 'sonic boom' to himself.
"Yes... you told me that, but have you seen the film?"
"EH?"
Guile rejoined the army after... winning the Street Fighter Championship. He was the single cause of his friends death. He went a bit mad.
Guile mouths 'sonic boom' at the floor again, and grins wide eyed. I begin to realise this is the scariest moment of my life.
"Guile?"
At once, Guile jumps on me, shouting 'SONIC BOOM!' over and over, and messing up my hair violently.
"ARGHHHH!"
"SONIC BOOM SONIC BOOM SONIC BOOM SONIC BOOM!" Guile yells, as he shuffles my hair about.
Two guards pull Guile off me, and take him back to his room, where he's told he can go see his garden in an hour.
"It's a photo on a wall." The guard whispers, as they lock him away.
----------------------
*FIGHT*
(Dhalsim sits before me, a limb wrapped around one of four women sitting around him. I feel a little queasy.)
"I kinda gave up on the religion thing." Dhalsim says. "These days, we just have fun, don't we ladies?"
The four women reply "yesss" in unison.
(I didn't realise yoga training extended to the genitals.)
"It shouldn't, but I became very lonely in India. But not so much now! Ha ha!"
(So... four women? You must be a very tired man.)
"It's more like about twenty, actually."
"Oh."
"I'm making love to one in another room as we speak."
(Bye.)
(There's a lesson for us all, here.)
---------------------------
*FIGHT*
After tracking down phone number and address etc, I find out that Balrog actually died in a toilet accident, and nobody cared.
Which is lucky, because it would have been hell interviewing him. It'll probably be as exciting as interviewing his dead body.
So I'll do that.
"Evening Balrog. I guess you won the Street Fighter Championship as well?"
"..."
"I see. What became of the rumours that you were in fact, just a scouser, not another stereotypical American?"
"..."
"You were a crap character, you know. Not even the designers liked you."
"..."
----------------
*FIGHT*
(After... winning the Street Fighter Championship, and defeating his arch nemesis Ryu, Sagat turned his head to BBC period costume dramas, and is currently filming 'Buttercups and Joanna', a tale of a young girl who falls in love with a man in a suit, who happens to have an eye patch. They were filming the "oh, we fell into the lake" bit when I arrived.)
"It's a very interesting piece of drama." (Sagat tells us.) "Her parents disprove of marrying me because of my obvious disability." (Sagat points to his eye, then continues.) "So it's just the kind of decision she has to make, should she follow her heart and run off with me, or be restricted by her parents and marry another man they have prepared."
(It's only people who are stuck in loveless lives that watch these, you realise. It's their only escape from the fact they feel utterly unloved.)
"..."
(They're just very weak people, and you're encouraging them to stay weak. You should be ashamed of yourself.)
"But... if this their only escape, then surely we're doing something right?" (Sagat asks.)
(...Possibly. You've matured a lot.)
"Thank you."
-------------------
*FIGHT*
"Hi there." I say.
Vega sits before me.
I still haven't a clue.
"So... what do you get up to these days?" I ask.
"Oh, I work in a bank."
I nod. That didn't help me at all.
"I see... so, what's your official title, working there?"
"...Banking... Assistant...?"
"Ah."
Me and my brain have argued since we ever first played Street Fighter 2. I firmly believe Vega is a man. Leon believes Vega is a woman.
"So, what sort of person do you go for?"
"Eh?"
"Say... are you single?"
"Yes."
"Then... are you looking for love?"
"Is this a proposition?" Vega asks.
"No no no... erm..." I scratch my head. "What sort of build do you go for?"
"Medium."
I nod. "Keep going."
"Well... I don't know. Just... in proportion."
"In proportion where?" I ask.
"You're very rude."
I swallow my pride. "Look, do you find me attractive?"
"No, not at all."
Then I realised that didn't actually answer anything. Leon would kill me if I didn't find out.
"Look. I know this woman, and she really finds you attractive... would you, you know, like to be set up with her?"
"Well... it's not what I normally do, but you know, could be fun."
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!
"So you'll go out with her?"
"Yeah, sure. Give me her number."
I feel around my pockets... "Oh... damn, I forgot it. Sorry."
"Oh... shame. I was getting excited." She... he... says.
"Ok... ok. If someone came up to you, and said... 'Mr Vega sir, can I have an autograph?' What would you say?"
"I wouldn't say anything, I'd just rip their eyes out."
"Oh! Why?" I ask.
"Because I hate giving autographs." Vega says, and sits back.
"So you're a man then?"
"What?"
-------------------
*FIGHT*
(M. Bison, if you didn't realise, now rules the world. I met him in his office.)
"Don't I know you?" (M. Bison asks me.)
(No. Never. You've never seen me. I have to go.)
"Yes... yes, I know you... something about... Bill Gates..."
(It's your imagination. I have to go now.)
"No! Don't go! Nobody ever lis..."
(I shut the door behind me. M. Bison now rules the world. He just didn't realise how much paperwork he had to do.)
---------------
Well, that was timewasting.
(You could say that again Grix. Today I learnt that if you ever get bored, don't ever try to entertain people, because you'll only end up making a right fool of yourself.)
Some of it was funny.
(Most of it wasn't.)
So. I tried.
(Shut up.)
Until the next time. Bah bye.
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