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The Greatest Joke In The World
Part 1:
A man with no arms or legs was out one day for a bit of fresh air. As he guided his electric wheelchair along the pavement, he noticed a sign in the local parish church. It read ‘Bell Ringer Wanted – Enquire At The Vicar’s House Next Door’. Eager to get some more work he decided to ask about it. The town vicar opened the door:
“Hello? How can I help you?”
“I’d like to apply for the bell ringing job” said the man.
“Well, yes, okay, but, ah, wouldn’t it be a bit of a handful – pardon the pun – considering your limitations?” replied the vicar.
The man laughed, “Of course not!” he said.
“But then, how would you ring the bells?” said the vicar, anxiously.
“How’d did you think I rang the doorbell?” said the man.
Part 2:
Later that year, a different man with no arms (but fine legs) was out for a stroll, when he too stumbled upon the local church and ‘Help Wanted’ sign. So, he walked over the vicar’s house and knocked on it with his feet. After a few seconds, the vicar answered:
“Hello? How can I help you?”
“I’d like to apply for the bell ringing job” said the man.
“Well, okay then,” said the vicar “but how would you work? Considering your disability, I mean.”
“Well, I’ll show you!” said the man.
And so they made their way to the church next door, where the man promised he’d ring the bells with no arms. When they got in, the man ignored the ropes and proceeded to the top of the bell tower. He told the vicar to stand back, and then took a running jump at the bell. Just as he launched himself and made contact, the vicar heard the most beautiful sound in the world, and decided to give him the job. When the man returned, however, he had a huge gash on his forehead, dripping with blood.
“How did I do?” said the man.
“Superb!” replied the vicar “But look at your head! I’m sorry, it just wouldn’t be right for me to give you this job.”
“Wait! Let me show you once again!”
And before the vicar could do anything the man was already running towards the bell. Not wanting another tragic injury, the vicar moved the bell out of the way just as the man jumped. Instead of hitting the bell, he flew straight through the window and fell to his death. The vicar sprinted down to the spot where he landed, cursing himself for his mistake. When he got there, there was already a policeman controlling things:
“Do you know this man?” said the policeman.
“No,” said the vicar “but his face rings a bell.”
Part 3:
The next year, our armless dead friend’s brother (who also had no arms) was out walking, when he, once again, stumbled upon the local church and ‘Help Wanted’ sign. So, he knocked on the door of the house next door, to be promptly answered by the vicar:
“Hello? How can I help you?”
“I’d like to apply for the bell ringing job” said the man.
“Well, okay then,” said the vicar “but how would you work? Considering your disability, I mean.”
“Well, I’ll show you!” said the man.
And so they walked over to the church. When they got in, the man ignored the ropes and he too proceeded to the top of the bell tower. He told the vicar to stand back, and then took a running jump at the bell. Just as he launched himself and made contact, the vicar heard an even more beautiful sound, and decided to give him the job, providing there were no problems. When the man returned though, he had a huge bleeding cut on his forehead aswell.
“How did I do?” said the man.
“Fantastic!” replied the vicar “But look at your head! I’m sorry, I can’t give you this job.”
“Wait! Let me show you once again!”
And before the vicar could do anything the man was already running towards the bell. Not wanting yet another tragic injury, the vicar moved the bell out of the way just as the man jumped. Just like before, he flew straight through the window and fell to his death. The vicar sprinted down to the spot where he landed, cursing himself for the same mistake twice. When he got there, there was already a policeman manning things:
“Do you know this man?” said the policeman.
“No,” said the vicar “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
Part 1:
A man with no arms or legs was out one day for a bit of fresh air. As he guided his electric wheelchair along the pavement, he noticed a sign in the local parish church. It read ‘Bell Ringer Wanted – Enquire At The Vicar’s House Next Door’. Eager to get some more work he decided to ask about it. The town vicar opened the door:
“Hello? How can I help you?”
“I’d like to apply for the bell ringing job” said the man.
“Well, yes, okay, but, ah, wouldn’t it be a bit of a handful – pardon the pun – considering your limitations?” replied the vicar.
The man laughed, “Of course not!” he said.
“But then, how would you ring the bells?” said the vicar, anxiously.
“How’d did you think I rang the doorbell?” said the man.
Part 2:
Later that year, a different man with no arms (but fine legs) was out for a stroll, when he too stumbled upon the local church and ‘Help Wanted’ sign. So, he walked over the vicar’s house and knocked on it with his feet. After a few seconds, the vicar answered:
“Hello? How can I help you?”
“I’d like to apply for the bell ringing job” said the man.
“Well, okay then,” said the vicar “but how would you work? Considering your disability, I mean.”
“Well, I’ll show you!” said the man.
And so they made their way to the church next door, where the man promised he’d ring the bells with no arms. When they got in, the man ignored the ropes and proceeded to the top of the bell tower. He told the vicar to stand back, and then took a running jump at the bell. Just as he launched himself and made contact, the vicar heard the most beautiful sound in the world, and decided to give him the job. When the man returned, however, he had a huge gash on his forehead, dripping with blood.
“How did I do?” said the man.
“Superb!” replied the vicar “But look at your head! I’m sorry, it just wouldn’t be right for me to give you this job.”
“Wait! Let me show you once again!”
And before the vicar could do anything the man was already running towards the bell. Not wanting another tragic injury, the vicar moved the bell out of the way just as the man jumped. Instead of hitting the bell, he flew straight through the window and fell to his death. The vicar sprinted down to the spot where he landed, cursing himself for his mistake. When he got there, there was already a policeman controlling things:
“Do you know this man?” said the policeman.
“No,” said the vicar “but his face rings a bell.”
Part 3:
The next year, our armless dead friend’s brother (who also had no arms) was out walking, when he, once again, stumbled upon the local church and ‘Help Wanted’ sign. So, he knocked on the door of the house next door, to be promptly answered by the vicar:
“Hello? How can I help you?”
“I’d like to apply for the bell ringing job” said the man.
“Well, okay then,” said the vicar “but how would you work? Considering your disability, I mean.”
“Well, I’ll show you!” said the man.
And so they walked over to the church. When they got in, the man ignored the ropes and he too proceeded to the top of the bell tower. He told the vicar to stand back, and then took a running jump at the bell. Just as he launched himself and made contact, the vicar heard an even more beautiful sound, and decided to give him the job, providing there were no problems. When the man returned though, he had a huge bleeding cut on his forehead aswell.
“How did I do?” said the man.
“Fantastic!” replied the vicar “But look at your head! I’m sorry, I can’t give you this job.”
“Wait! Let me show you once again!”
And before the vicar could do anything the man was already running towards the bell. Not wanting yet another tragic injury, the vicar moved the bell out of the way just as the man jumped. Just like before, he flew straight through the window and fell to his death. The vicar sprinted down to the spot where he landed, cursing himself for the same mistake twice. When he got there, there was already a policeman manning things:
“Do you know this man?” said the policeman.
“No,” said the vicar “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
Page:
Ah.. a topic from my days as SolidSnakeXXI, :). Walks into a bra, heh heh heh...
:D
:D
Top 10
DUMBEST CRIMINALS
RUNNER-UP #9
Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse.
RUNNER-UP #8
Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
RUNNER-UP #7
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
RUNNER-UP #6
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
RUNNER-UP #5
From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.
RUNNER-UP #4
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
RUNNER-UP #3
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.
RUNNER-UP #2
Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
RUNNER-UP #1
Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
THE WINNER!
A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
and i have another :)
What NOT To Say To A Police Officer!
1. Sure I'll get my license, but can you hold my beer?
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in..
3. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed.....have you been eating doughnuts?"
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay good, just so one of us does..
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer..
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. I was just trying to keep up with traffic... Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are!
and one more :)
The dog called sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
DUMBEST CRIMINALS
RUNNER-UP #9
Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse.
RUNNER-UP #8
Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
RUNNER-UP #7
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
RUNNER-UP #6
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
RUNNER-UP #5
From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.
RUNNER-UP #4
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
RUNNER-UP #3
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.
RUNNER-UP #2
Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
RUNNER-UP #1
Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
THE WINNER!
A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
and i have another :)
What NOT To Say To A Police Officer!
1. Sure I'll get my license, but can you hold my beer?
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in..
3. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed.....have you been eating doughnuts?"
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay good, just so one of us does..
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer..
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. I was just trying to keep up with traffic... Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are!
and one more :)
The dog called sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
all the jokes suck unlike the wasp joke.
man walks into a pet shop and asks the owner "do you sell wasps"
"no sir we dont sell wasps" he replied
"well what about the one in the window"
and
a man walks into a gym and asks an instructor to teach him to do the splits "how flexible are you" replys the instructor, "i cant make thursdays" the man replied.
man walks into a pet shop and asks the owner "do you sell wasps"
"no sir we dont sell wasps" he replied
"well what about the one in the window"
and
a man walks into a gym and asks an instructor to teach him to do the splits "how flexible are you" replys the instructor, "i cant make thursdays" the man replied.
holla4life wrote:
> all the jokes suck unlike the wasp joke.
>
> man walks into a pet shop and asks the owner "do you sell
> wasps"
> "no sir we dont sell wasps" he replied
> "well what about the one in the window"
>
> and
>
> a man walks into a gym and asks an instructor to teach him to do the
> splits "how flexible are you" replys the instructor, "i
> cant make thursdays" the man replied.
*snores*
well omg thats a GREAT joke *HUGE sarcasm*
> all the jokes suck unlike the wasp joke.
>
> man walks into a pet shop and asks the owner "do you sell
> wasps"
> "no sir we dont sell wasps" he replied
> "well what about the one in the window"
>
> and
>
> a man walks into a gym and asks an instructor to teach him to do the
> splits "how flexible are you" replys the instructor, "i
> cant make thursdays" the man replied.
*snores*
well omg thats a GREAT joke *HUGE sarcasm*
Tenseiken Slash wrote:
> holla4life wrote:
> all the jokes suck unlike the wasp joke.
>
> man walks into a pet shop and asks the owner "do you sell
> wasps"
> "no sir we dont sell wasps" he replied
> "well what about the one in the window"
>
> and
>
> a man walks into a gym and asks an instructor to teach him to do the
> splits "how flexible are you" replys the instructor,
> "i
> cant make thursdays" the man replied.
>
> *snores*
>
> well omg thats a GREAT joke *HUGE sarcasm*
y sarcasm
> holla4life wrote:
> all the jokes suck unlike the wasp joke.
>
> man walks into a pet shop and asks the owner "do you sell
> wasps"
> "no sir we dont sell wasps" he replied
> "well what about the one in the window"
>
> and
>
> a man walks into a gym and asks an instructor to teach him to do the
> splits "how flexible are you" replys the instructor,
> "i
> cant make thursdays" the man replied.
>
> *snores*
>
> well omg thats a GREAT joke *HUGE sarcasm*
y sarcasm
Why did the condom fly across the room?
Because it got pi**ed off
-
What's blue, 12 inches long and makes women scream?
Cot death
-
What's green and eats nuts?
Herpes
-
What's red and has two legs?
Half a dog
-
What has 8 legs and a big black c***?
The A-team
Because it got pi**ed off
-
What's blue, 12 inches long and makes women scream?
Cot death
-
What's green and eats nuts?
Herpes
-
What's red and has two legs?
Half a dog
-
What has 8 legs and a big black c***?
The A-team
Please don't ban me :O(((((
A man stumbles, lost and alone, through the chinese wilderness. He hasn't eaten or slept for three whole weeks, until he stumbles upon a house. The house is in a delapidated state, but there's smoke coming out the chimney, so someone must live there. The man knocks on the door, and an old monk answers.
"Old man!", cries the lost man. "Please help! I've been wandering without food or shelter for three weeks! Can you give me food and a bed for the night?"
The old man looks stern, and thinks for a bit. "Very well!", he eventually says. "On one condition! You must not 'meddle' with my daughter! To do so, would incur - THREE WORST CHINESE TORTURES!". The man promises he'll be good as gold, and the old man lets him in. The man is shown a place to wash up, and by the time he's finished, dinner is ready.
The man sits down to dinner, when in walks the old mans daughter, and she's a stunner! He can't keep his eyes off her, and she having spent her life around old men, is clearly interested in him too. So after dinner, they spend the evening together, and disregarding the old mans warning, he follows her up to bed. They do the business, and the man returns to his room, satisfied with his day.
The next morning, the man awakes to find a huge rock on his chest. On the rock is a sign.
"Chinese torture #1: 100lb rock on chest!"
Well, 100lb is liftable, so the man heaves it over to the window, and drops it out. He's a good two storeys off the ground, and as he watches it fall, he sees another sign on the back of the rock.
"Chinese torture #2: rock tied to right testicle!"
In a panic, the man does the only thing he thinks can save his package. With a 1/4 of a second left before the string goes taught, he jumps out the window after the rock. The plummet will hurt, but his future children are guaranteed. Whilst falling, however, he reads another sign on the outside of the house.
"Chinese torture #3: left testicle tied to bedpost!"
"Old man!", cries the lost man. "Please help! I've been wandering without food or shelter for three weeks! Can you give me food and a bed for the night?"
The old man looks stern, and thinks for a bit. "Very well!", he eventually says. "On one condition! You must not 'meddle' with my daughter! To do so, would incur - THREE WORST CHINESE TORTURES!". The man promises he'll be good as gold, and the old man lets him in. The man is shown a place to wash up, and by the time he's finished, dinner is ready.
The man sits down to dinner, when in walks the old mans daughter, and she's a stunner! He can't keep his eyes off her, and she having spent her life around old men, is clearly interested in him too. So after dinner, they spend the evening together, and disregarding the old mans warning, he follows her up to bed. They do the business, and the man returns to his room, satisfied with his day.
The next morning, the man awakes to find a huge rock on his chest. On the rock is a sign.
"Chinese torture #1: 100lb rock on chest!"
Well, 100lb is liftable, so the man heaves it over to the window, and drops it out. He's a good two storeys off the ground, and as he watches it fall, he sees another sign on the back of the rock.
"Chinese torture #2: rock tied to right testicle!"
In a panic, the man does the only thing he thinks can save his package. With a 1/4 of a second left before the string goes taught, he jumps out the window after the rock. The plummet will hurt, but his future children are guaranteed. Whilst falling, however, he reads another sign on the outside of the house.
"Chinese torture #3: left testicle tied to bedpost!"
I wouldn't even class that as a joke.
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