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The Greatest Joke In The World
Part 1:
A man with no arms or legs was out one day for a bit of fresh air. As he guided his electric wheelchair along the pavement, he noticed a sign in the local parish church. It read ‘Bell Ringer Wanted – Enquire At The Vicar’s House Next Door’. Eager to get some more work he decided to ask about it. The town vicar opened the door:
“Hello? How can I help you?”
“I’d like to apply for the bell ringing job” said the man.
“Well, yes, okay, but, ah, wouldn’t it be a bit of a handful – pardon the pun – considering your limitations?” replied the vicar.
The man laughed, “Of course not!” he said.
“But then, how would you ring the bells?” said the vicar, anxiously.
“How’d did you think I rang the doorbell?” said the man.
Part 2:
Later that year, a different man with no arms (but fine legs) was out for a stroll, when he too stumbled upon the local church and ‘Help Wanted’ sign. So, he walked over the vicar’s house and knocked on it with his feet. After a few seconds, the vicar answered:
“Hello? How can I help you?”
“I’d like to apply for the bell ringing job” said the man.
“Well, okay then,” said the vicar “but how would you work? Considering your disability, I mean.”
“Well, I’ll show you!” said the man.
And so they made their way to the church next door, where the man promised he’d ring the bells with no arms. When they got in, the man ignored the ropes and proceeded to the top of the bell tower. He told the vicar to stand back, and then took a running jump at the bell. Just as he launched himself and made contact, the vicar heard the most beautiful sound in the world, and decided to give him the job. When the man returned, however, he had a huge gash on his forehead, dripping with blood.
“How did I do?” said the man.
“Superb!” replied the vicar “But look at your head! I’m sorry, it just wouldn’t be right for me to give you this job.”
“Wait! Let me show you once again!”
And before the vicar could do anything the man was already running towards the bell. Not wanting another tragic injury, the vicar moved the bell out of the way just as the man jumped. Instead of hitting the bell, he flew straight through the window and fell to his death. The vicar sprinted down to the spot where he landed, cursing himself for his mistake. When he got there, there was already a policeman controlling things:
“Do you know this man?” said the policeman.
“No,” said the vicar “but his face rings a bell.”
Part 3:
The next year, our armless dead friend’s brother (who also had no arms) was out walking, when he, once again, stumbled upon the local church and ‘Help Wanted’ sign. So, he knocked on the door of the house next door, to be promptly answered by the vicar:
“Hello? How can I help you?”
“I’d like to apply for the bell ringing job” said the man.
“Well, okay then,” said the vicar “but how would you work? Considering your disability, I mean.”
“Well, I’ll show you!” said the man.
And so they walked over to the church. When they got in, the man ignored the ropes and he too proceeded to the top of the bell tower. He told the vicar to stand back, and then took a running jump at the bell. Just as he launched himself and made contact, the vicar heard an even more beautiful sound, and decided to give him the job, providing there were no problems. When the man returned though, he had a huge bleeding cut on his forehead aswell.
“How did I do?” said the man.
“Fantastic!” replied the vicar “But look at your head! I’m sorry, I can’t give you this job.”
“Wait! Let me show you once again!”
And before the vicar could do anything the man was already running towards the bell. Not wanting yet another tragic injury, the vicar moved the bell out of the way just as the man jumped. Just like before, he flew straight through the window and fell to his death. The vicar sprinted down to the spot where he landed, cursing himself for the same mistake twice. When he got there, there was already a policeman manning things:
“Do you know this man?” said the policeman.
“No,” said the vicar “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
Part 1:
A man with no arms or legs was out one day for a bit of fresh air. As he guided his electric wheelchair along the pavement, he noticed a sign in the local parish church. It read ‘Bell Ringer Wanted – Enquire At The Vicar’s House Next Door’. Eager to get some more work he decided to ask about it. The town vicar opened the door:
“Hello? How can I help you?”
“I’d like to apply for the bell ringing job” said the man.
“Well, yes, okay, but, ah, wouldn’t it be a bit of a handful – pardon the pun – considering your limitations?” replied the vicar.
The man laughed, “Of course not!” he said.
“But then, how would you ring the bells?” said the vicar, anxiously.
“How’d did you think I rang the doorbell?” said the man.
Part 2:
Later that year, a different man with no arms (but fine legs) was out for a stroll, when he too stumbled upon the local church and ‘Help Wanted’ sign. So, he walked over the vicar’s house and knocked on it with his feet. After a few seconds, the vicar answered:
“Hello? How can I help you?”
“I’d like to apply for the bell ringing job” said the man.
“Well, okay then,” said the vicar “but how would you work? Considering your disability, I mean.”
“Well, I’ll show you!” said the man.
And so they made their way to the church next door, where the man promised he’d ring the bells with no arms. When they got in, the man ignored the ropes and proceeded to the top of the bell tower. He told the vicar to stand back, and then took a running jump at the bell. Just as he launched himself and made contact, the vicar heard the most beautiful sound in the world, and decided to give him the job. When the man returned, however, he had a huge gash on his forehead, dripping with blood.
“How did I do?” said the man.
“Superb!” replied the vicar “But look at your head! I’m sorry, it just wouldn’t be right for me to give you this job.”
“Wait! Let me show you once again!”
And before the vicar could do anything the man was already running towards the bell. Not wanting another tragic injury, the vicar moved the bell out of the way just as the man jumped. Instead of hitting the bell, he flew straight through the window and fell to his death. The vicar sprinted down to the spot where he landed, cursing himself for his mistake. When he got there, there was already a policeman controlling things:
“Do you know this man?” said the policeman.
“No,” said the vicar “but his face rings a bell.”
Part 3:
The next year, our armless dead friend’s brother (who also had no arms) was out walking, when he, once again, stumbled upon the local church and ‘Help Wanted’ sign. So, he knocked on the door of the house next door, to be promptly answered by the vicar:
“Hello? How can I help you?”
“I’d like to apply for the bell ringing job” said the man.
“Well, okay then,” said the vicar “but how would you work? Considering your disability, I mean.”
“Well, I’ll show you!” said the man.
And so they walked over to the church. When they got in, the man ignored the ropes and he too proceeded to the top of the bell tower. He told the vicar to stand back, and then took a running jump at the bell. Just as he launched himself and made contact, the vicar heard an even more beautiful sound, and decided to give him the job, providing there were no problems. When the man returned though, he had a huge bleeding cut on his forehead aswell.
“How did I do?” said the man.
“Fantastic!” replied the vicar “But look at your head! I’m sorry, I can’t give you this job.”
“Wait! Let me show you once again!”
And before the vicar could do anything the man was already running towards the bell. Not wanting yet another tragic injury, the vicar moved the bell out of the way just as the man jumped. Just like before, he flew straight through the window and fell to his death. The vicar sprinted down to the spot where he landed, cursing himself for the same mistake twice. When he got there, there was already a policeman manning things:
“Do you know this man?” said the policeman.
“No,” said the vicar “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
Page:
heres a joke i thort was funny
one day a old man was crossing the street and after 15 minutes he had crossed and the cars were annoyed then the old man got to the traffic lights and started to cross then som1 tryed to help him cross the street then the old man hit him in the face with his cane that knocked him out the old man continued to cross the lights turned green then 1 of the drivers got out of the car and threw the old man to the other side of the street then two police men arrested the guy who asulted the old man then the other cars drove and 1 of the cars drove on and ran over the guy that the old man knocked out and the old man was dead from geting thrown from the other side of the street then a dog ate the old man
this will probly confuse u
one day a old man was crossing the street and after 15 minutes he had crossed and the cars were annoyed then the old man got to the traffic lights and started to cross then som1 tryed to help him cross the street then the old man hit him in the face with his cane that knocked him out the old man continued to cross the lights turned green then 1 of the drivers got out of the car and threw the old man to the other side of the street then two police men arrested the guy who asulted the old man then the other cars drove and 1 of the cars drove on and ran over the guy that the old man knocked out and the old man was dead from geting thrown from the other side of the street then a dog ate the old man
this will probly confuse u
Good one Miserableman!
LOL @ Miserableman's A-Team joke! :D
Here's one - dunno why it made me laugh so much but it just did...
A guy with a black eye boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too.
He says, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes... mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying,'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh.' so she socked me one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister accident too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Rice Krispies, honey.' But I accidentally said, "You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, manipulative, fat b*tch.
A guy with a black eye boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too.
He says, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes... mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying,'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh.' so she socked me one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister accident too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Rice Krispies, honey.' But I accidentally said, "You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, manipulative, fat b*tch.
if anyone could be bothered to read that they realise it a rubbish joke.
holla4life wrote:
> Tenseiken Slash wrote:
> cause his joke was KAK
>
> ah at least i posted a joke. you didnt even bother, cos yours would be
> too crap to post. you would do knock knock jokes or why did the
> chicken cross the damn fekking bleeding road.
>
> now thats sarcasm.
you wanna joke ok
The dog called sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
> Tenseiken Slash wrote:
> cause his joke was KAK
>
> ah at least i posted a joke. you didnt even bother, cos yours would be
> too crap to post. you would do knock knock jokes or why did the
> chicken cross the damn fekking bleeding road.
>
> now thats sarcasm.
you wanna joke ok
The dog called sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
How can you tell when a woman in tights farts?
here ankles swell.
get it
here ankles swell.
get it
Tenseiken Slash wrote:
> cause his joke was KAK
ah at least i posted a joke. you didnt even bother, cos yours would be too crap to post. you would do knock knock jokes or why did the chicken cross the damn fekking bleeding road.
now thats sarcasm.
> cause his joke was KAK
ah at least i posted a joke. you didnt even bother, cos yours would be too crap to post. you would do knock knock jokes or why did the chicken cross the damn fekking bleeding road.
now thats sarcasm.
I wouldn't even class that as a joke.
A man stumbles, lost and alone, through the chinese wilderness. He hasn't eaten or slept for three whole weeks, until he stumbles upon a house. The house is in a delapidated state, but there's smoke coming out the chimney, so someone must live there. The man knocks on the door, and an old monk answers.
"Old man!", cries the lost man. "Please help! I've been wandering without food or shelter for three weeks! Can you give me food and a bed for the night?"
The old man looks stern, and thinks for a bit. "Very well!", he eventually says. "On one condition! You must not 'meddle' with my daughter! To do so, would incur - THREE WORST CHINESE TORTURES!". The man promises he'll be good as gold, and the old man lets him in. The man is shown a place to wash up, and by the time he's finished, dinner is ready.
The man sits down to dinner, when in walks the old mans daughter, and she's a stunner! He can't keep his eyes off her, and she having spent her life around old men, is clearly interested in him too. So after dinner, they spend the evening together, and disregarding the old mans warning, he follows her up to bed. They do the business, and the man returns to his room, satisfied with his day.
The next morning, the man awakes to find a huge rock on his chest. On the rock is a sign.
"Chinese torture #1: 100lb rock on chest!"
Well, 100lb is liftable, so the man heaves it over to the window, and drops it out. He's a good two storeys off the ground, and as he watches it fall, he sees another sign on the back of the rock.
"Chinese torture #2: rock tied to right testicle!"
In a panic, the man does the only thing he thinks can save his package. With a 1/4 of a second left before the string goes taught, he jumps out the window after the rock. The plummet will hurt, but his future children are guaranteed. Whilst falling, however, he reads another sign on the outside of the house.
"Chinese torture #3: left testicle tied to bedpost!"
"Old man!", cries the lost man. "Please help! I've been wandering without food or shelter for three weeks! Can you give me food and a bed for the night?"
The old man looks stern, and thinks for a bit. "Very well!", he eventually says. "On one condition! You must not 'meddle' with my daughter! To do so, would incur - THREE WORST CHINESE TORTURES!". The man promises he'll be good as gold, and the old man lets him in. The man is shown a place to wash up, and by the time he's finished, dinner is ready.
The man sits down to dinner, when in walks the old mans daughter, and she's a stunner! He can't keep his eyes off her, and she having spent her life around old men, is clearly interested in him too. So after dinner, they spend the evening together, and disregarding the old mans warning, he follows her up to bed. They do the business, and the man returns to his room, satisfied with his day.
The next morning, the man awakes to find a huge rock on his chest. On the rock is a sign.
"Chinese torture #1: 100lb rock on chest!"
Well, 100lb is liftable, so the man heaves it over to the window, and drops it out. He's a good two storeys off the ground, and as he watches it fall, he sees another sign on the back of the rock.
"Chinese torture #2: rock tied to right testicle!"
In a panic, the man does the only thing he thinks can save his package. With a 1/4 of a second left before the string goes taught, he jumps out the window after the rock. The plummet will hurt, but his future children are guaranteed. Whilst falling, however, he reads another sign on the outside of the house.
"Chinese torture #3: left testicle tied to bedpost!"
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