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Last night I drank too much.
My head hurts and my tummy's a bit unsettled.
It wasn't because I was a party though and just got drunk because that's what happens at parties, as I don't normally drink that much. I guess I'm just scared and filled with doubts and fears I want to forget. Except it didn't really help at all and so I'll try and articulate what I'm worried about into a post because at least that won't make me ill..
In 9 days a girl I met on holiday years ago called Alicia is coming to England for a month or so. And for the brief time that I knew her she was my girlfriend. It wasn't one of those meaningless holiday flings that you both forget about in a few months, I met someone who was like me in so many ways and who I could talk to. And I mean talk. It was probably the happiest I've ever been. The problem was she lived in America and so we can only really talk by e-mail and occasional phone calls, because they're so expensive.
Anyway I don't think I was in love with her then, I mean I liked her a lot but I hadn't really experienced anything enough to know how I felt. So we went our seperate ways and "saw other people" but still wrote to each other and she became more like my best friend than anything else. Well, last October I went to America on a school trip and even though I couldn't see her, because I was in Washington and she was still in school in Texas, and her parents didn't want her to fly anyway because of what had happened in September. But I could phone her properly because it wasn't at all expensive.
So a day after I had arrived I called her from a phone box, a red english one in fact, in the English zone of the Busch Gardens theme park. And it was the first time I had heard her voice for ages. I had to cut short the conversation because a queue of angry Americans was building up outside the phonebox (awww Bob can't I use this phone, it is *so* cute..) but we did agree to talk again in the evening when I'd got back to the motel. So when I got back she did phone and we talked for six hours about everything and only stopped because she had school the next day. It was probably then that I realised how much better she was than anyone else I'd ever been out with or even liked. I mean I've been out with people who I've barely even got to know or who I've not been able to talk to because they wouldn't understand. Except with Alicia I can say anything because she always knows what I mean and most of the time feels the same. And before we hung up she said she loved me.
So, I ended up spending most evenings talking to her and all the little things that had once annoyed me stopped mattering because this beautiful, incredible, intelligent girl loved me. And ever since she's been pretty much all I think about. But she's also raised my expectations to an untenable level because no-one else has even come close to making me feel the way she does, and it really feels that if it doesn't work out any other relationship would be a compromise because I'd get out of it in an instant if I had another chance with her.
When I do meet her I'm going to be filled with all these expectations. And maybe these hopes are a cancer because if I'm different to how she remembers or if I'm not attractive to her then I know that I'll fall apart. Because inside my head I can feel how happy I would be if it does work and it's that hope that's the killer, as the memory won't fade and these feelings I have won't die. I am completely and utterly infatuated, in love, dependant and it's probably the only thing I've ever been sure about but I'm filled with doubts and expectations about whether she will feel the same.
I'm scared.
And the way I feel has made me realise that nothing else really matters in comparison to this one thing. I could go get a law degree earn a fortune and I wouldn't be happy unless she was somehow involved. I'm scared that she won't feel the same, but I'm also scared that I won't get over her and that's what scares me the most.
I'll tell myself that "in time memories fade, senses numb, one forgets how it feels to have loved completely" but this time I don't believe it.
it's all ifs buts maybes and hopes and dreams
"is it special when you're lonely
when you spend your whole life
in a studio apartment
with a cat for a wife"
thanks for reading if you got this far through my ramblings
My head hurts and my tummy's a bit unsettled.
It wasn't because I was a party though and just got drunk because that's what happens at parties, as I don't normally drink that much. I guess I'm just scared and filled with doubts and fears I want to forget. Except it didn't really help at all and so I'll try and articulate what I'm worried about into a post because at least that won't make me ill..
In 9 days a girl I met on holiday years ago called Alicia is coming to England for a month or so. And for the brief time that I knew her she was my girlfriend. It wasn't one of those meaningless holiday flings that you both forget about in a few months, I met someone who was like me in so many ways and who I could talk to. And I mean talk. It was probably the happiest I've ever been. The problem was she lived in America and so we can only really talk by e-mail and occasional phone calls, because they're so expensive.
Anyway I don't think I was in love with her then, I mean I liked her a lot but I hadn't really experienced anything enough to know how I felt. So we went our seperate ways and "saw other people" but still wrote to each other and she became more like my best friend than anything else. Well, last October I went to America on a school trip and even though I couldn't see her, because I was in Washington and she was still in school in Texas, and her parents didn't want her to fly anyway because of what had happened in September. But I could phone her properly because it wasn't at all expensive.
So a day after I had arrived I called her from a phone box, a red english one in fact, in the English zone of the Busch Gardens theme park. And it was the first time I had heard her voice for ages. I had to cut short the conversation because a queue of angry Americans was building up outside the phonebox (awww Bob can't I use this phone, it is *so* cute..) but we did agree to talk again in the evening when I'd got back to the motel. So when I got back she did phone and we talked for six hours about everything and only stopped because she had school the next day. It was probably then that I realised how much better she was than anyone else I'd ever been out with or even liked. I mean I've been out with people who I've barely even got to know or who I've not been able to talk to because they wouldn't understand. Except with Alicia I can say anything because she always knows what I mean and most of the time feels the same. And before we hung up she said she loved me.
So, I ended up spending most evenings talking to her and all the little things that had once annoyed me stopped mattering because this beautiful, incredible, intelligent girl loved me. And ever since she's been pretty much all I think about. But she's also raised my expectations to an untenable level because no-one else has even come close to making me feel the way she does, and it really feels that if it doesn't work out any other relationship would be a compromise because I'd get out of it in an instant if I had another chance with her.
When I do meet her I'm going to be filled with all these expectations. And maybe these hopes are a cancer because if I'm different to how she remembers or if I'm not attractive to her then I know that I'll fall apart. Because inside my head I can feel how happy I would be if it does work and it's that hope that's the killer, as the memory won't fade and these feelings I have won't die. I am completely and utterly infatuated, in love, dependant and it's probably the only thing I've ever been sure about but I'm filled with doubts and expectations about whether she will feel the same.
I'm scared.
And the way I feel has made me realise that nothing else really matters in comparison to this one thing. I could go get a law degree earn a fortune and I wouldn't be happy unless she was somehow involved. I'm scared that she won't feel the same, but I'm also scared that I won't get over her and that's what scares me the most.
I'll tell myself that "in time memories fade, senses numb, one forgets how it feels to have loved completely" but this time I don't believe it.
it's all ifs buts maybes and hopes and dreams
"is it special when you're lonely
when you spend your whole life
in a studio apartment
with a cat for a wife"
thanks for reading if you got this far through my ramblings
Page:
Read the post and I'd say try not to worry. Try not to. Because the most important thing is that you are yourself. If you go in there all self conscious and unsure of how to present yourslef or act or all that malarky something is bound to go wrong. Just be yourself and I'm sure it will work out. And about her not finding you attractive or whatever, if you mean physically then I'm sure by now the stages of merely being physically attracted are over, especially by the sounds of you two having conversations hours (six was it...?) long. And if you mean attracted more as attracted to who you are as in mentally, then I doubt she won't be. She must have a pretty good idea of what you are like through the conversations and stuff, and, not to sound corny or anything (though it undoubtedly will... :D) if your minds... or more like your souls is what I kind of mean (whether or not souls 'really' exist is immaterial, it's kind of the thing I mean for now...) are 'right' then it should work out. From the sounds of it you don't have to worry. Sounds like she really likes you, and it's obvious you really like her.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Oh and if you want to see something humorous then I've uploaded a video about a vegetable that I made when I was in America :-)
Go to webstorage.btinet.net and login as [email protected] with the password gourd
It's about 4MB and of watchable but not fantastic quality. But it does come with cheesy music and a gourd called phil.
I'll re-edit it to brush up my Adobe Premiere skills in the holidays as a better Death of a Salesman parody:
"Gourds are not a piece of fruit!"
Yay me.
Go to webstorage.btinet.net and login as [email protected] with the password gourd
It's about 4MB and of watchable but not fantastic quality. But it does come with cheesy music and a gourd called phil.
I'll re-edit it to brush up my Adobe Premiere skills in the holidays as a better Death of a Salesman parody:
"Gourds are not a piece of fruit!"
Yay me.
Last night I drank too much.
My head hurts and my tummy's a bit unsettled.
It wasn't because I was a party though and just got drunk because that's what happens at parties, as I don't normally drink that much. I guess I'm just scared and filled with doubts and fears I want to forget. Except it didn't really help at all and so I'll try and articulate what I'm worried about into a post because at least that won't make me ill..
In 9 days a girl I met on holiday years ago called Alicia is coming to England for a month or so. And for the brief time that I knew her she was my girlfriend. It wasn't one of those meaningless holiday flings that you both forget about in a few months, I met someone who was like me in so many ways and who I could talk to. And I mean talk. It was probably the happiest I've ever been. The problem was she lived in America and so we can only really talk by e-mail and occasional phone calls, because they're so expensive.
Anyway I don't think I was in love with her then, I mean I liked her a lot but I hadn't really experienced anything enough to know how I felt. So we went our seperate ways and "saw other people" but still wrote to each other and she became more like my best friend than anything else. Well, last October I went to America on a school trip and even though I couldn't see her, because I was in Washington and she was still in school in Texas, and her parents didn't want her to fly anyway because of what had happened in September. But I could phone her properly because it wasn't at all expensive.
So a day after I had arrived I called her from a phone box, a red english one in fact, in the English zone of the Busch Gardens theme park. And it was the first time I had heard her voice for ages. I had to cut short the conversation because a queue of angry Americans was building up outside the phonebox (awww Bob can't I use this phone, it is *so* cute..) but we did agree to talk again in the evening when I'd got back to the motel. So when I got back she did phone and we talked for six hours about everything and only stopped because she had school the next day. It was probably then that I realised how much better she was than anyone else I'd ever been out with or even liked. I mean I've been out with people who I've barely even got to know or who I've not been able to talk to because they wouldn't understand. Except with Alicia I can say anything because she always knows what I mean and most of the time feels the same. And before we hung up she said she loved me.
So, I ended up spending most evenings talking to her and all the little things that had once annoyed me stopped mattering because this beautiful, incredible, intelligent girl loved me. And ever since she's been pretty much all I think about. But she's also raised my expectations to an untenable level because no-one else has even come close to making me feel the way she does, and it really feels that if it doesn't work out any other relationship would be a compromise because I'd get out of it in an instant if I had another chance with her.
When I do meet her I'm going to be filled with all these expectations. And maybe these hopes are a cancer because if I'm different to how she remembers or if I'm not attractive to her then I know that I'll fall apart. Because inside my head I can feel how happy I would be if it does work and it's that hope that's the killer, as the memory won't fade and these feelings I have won't die. I am completely and utterly infatuated, in love, dependant and it's probably the only thing I've ever been sure about but I'm filled with doubts and expectations about whether she will feel the same.
I'm scared.
And the way I feel has made me realise that nothing else really matters in comparison to this one thing. I could go get a law degree earn a fortune and I wouldn't be happy unless she was somehow involved. I'm scared that she won't feel the same, but I'm also scared that I won't get over her and that's what scares me the most.
I'll tell myself that "in time memories fade, senses numb, one forgets how it feels to have loved completely" but this time I don't believe it.
it's all ifs buts maybes and hopes and dreams
"is it special when you're lonely
when you spend your whole life
in a studio apartment
with a cat for a wife"
thanks for reading if you got this far through my ramblings
My head hurts and my tummy's a bit unsettled.
It wasn't because I was a party though and just got drunk because that's what happens at parties, as I don't normally drink that much. I guess I'm just scared and filled with doubts and fears I want to forget. Except it didn't really help at all and so I'll try and articulate what I'm worried about into a post because at least that won't make me ill..
In 9 days a girl I met on holiday years ago called Alicia is coming to England for a month or so. And for the brief time that I knew her she was my girlfriend. It wasn't one of those meaningless holiday flings that you both forget about in a few months, I met someone who was like me in so many ways and who I could talk to. And I mean talk. It was probably the happiest I've ever been. The problem was she lived in America and so we can only really talk by e-mail and occasional phone calls, because they're so expensive.
Anyway I don't think I was in love with her then, I mean I liked her a lot but I hadn't really experienced anything enough to know how I felt. So we went our seperate ways and "saw other people" but still wrote to each other and she became more like my best friend than anything else. Well, last October I went to America on a school trip and even though I couldn't see her, because I was in Washington and she was still in school in Texas, and her parents didn't want her to fly anyway because of what had happened in September. But I could phone her properly because it wasn't at all expensive.
So a day after I had arrived I called her from a phone box, a red english one in fact, in the English zone of the Busch Gardens theme park. And it was the first time I had heard her voice for ages. I had to cut short the conversation because a queue of angry Americans was building up outside the phonebox (awww Bob can't I use this phone, it is *so* cute..) but we did agree to talk again in the evening when I'd got back to the motel. So when I got back she did phone and we talked for six hours about everything and only stopped because she had school the next day. It was probably then that I realised how much better she was than anyone else I'd ever been out with or even liked. I mean I've been out with people who I've barely even got to know or who I've not been able to talk to because they wouldn't understand. Except with Alicia I can say anything because she always knows what I mean and most of the time feels the same. And before we hung up she said she loved me.
So, I ended up spending most evenings talking to her and all the little things that had once annoyed me stopped mattering because this beautiful, incredible, intelligent girl loved me. And ever since she's been pretty much all I think about. But she's also raised my expectations to an untenable level because no-one else has even come close to making me feel the way she does, and it really feels that if it doesn't work out any other relationship would be a compromise because I'd get out of it in an instant if I had another chance with her.
When I do meet her I'm going to be filled with all these expectations. And maybe these hopes are a cancer because if I'm different to how she remembers or if I'm not attractive to her then I know that I'll fall apart. Because inside my head I can feel how happy I would be if it does work and it's that hope that's the killer, as the memory won't fade and these feelings I have won't die. I am completely and utterly infatuated, in love, dependant and it's probably the only thing I've ever been sure about but I'm filled with doubts and expectations about whether she will feel the same.
I'm scared.
And the way I feel has made me realise that nothing else really matters in comparison to this one thing. I could go get a law degree earn a fortune and I wouldn't be happy unless she was somehow involved. I'm scared that she won't feel the same, but I'm also scared that I won't get over her and that's what scares me the most.
I'll tell myself that "in time memories fade, senses numb, one forgets how it feels to have loved completely" but this time I don't believe it.
it's all ifs buts maybes and hopes and dreams
"is it special when you're lonely
when you spend your whole life
in a studio apartment
with a cat for a wife"
thanks for reading if you got this far through my ramblings
Page: