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"Scared"

Last night I drank too much.
My head hurts and my tummy's a bit unsettled.

It wasn't because I was a party though and just got drunk because that's what happens at parties, as I don't normally drink that much. I guess I'm just scared and filled with doubts and fears I want to forget. Except it didn't really help at all and so I'll try and articulate what I'm worried about into a post because at least that won't make me ill..

In 9 days a girl I met on holiday years ago called Alicia is coming to England for a month or so. And for the brief time that I knew her she was my girlfriend. It wasn't one of those meaningless holiday flings that you both forget about in a few months, I met someone who was like me in so many ways and who I could talk to. And I mean talk. It was probably the happiest I've ever been. The problem was she lived in America and so we can only really talk by e-mail and occasional phone calls, because they're so expensive.

Anyway I don't think I was in love with her then, I mean I liked her a lot but I hadn't really experienced anything enough to know how I felt. So we went our seperate ways and "saw other people" but still wrote to each other and she became more like my best friend than anything else. Well, last October I went to America on a school trip and even though I couldn't see her, because I was in Washington and she was still in school in Texas, and her parents didn't want her to fly anyway because of what had happened in September. But I could phone her properly because it wasn't at all expensive.

So a day after I had arrived I called her from a phone box, a red english one in fact, in the English zone of the Busch Gardens theme park. And it was the first time I had heard her voice for ages. I had to cut short the conversation because a queue of angry Americans was building up outside the phonebox (awww Bob can't I use this phone, it is *so* cute..) but we did agree to talk again in the evening when I'd got back to the motel. So when I got back she did phone and we talked for six hours about everything and only stopped because she had school the next day. It was probably then that I realised how much better she was than anyone else I'd ever been out with or even liked. I mean I've been out with people who I've barely even got to know or who I've not been able to talk to because they wouldn't understand. Except with Alicia I can say anything because she always knows what I mean and most of the time feels the same. And before we hung up she said she loved me.

So, I ended up spending most evenings talking to her and all the little things that had once annoyed me stopped mattering because this beautiful, incredible, intelligent girl loved me. And ever since she's been pretty much all I think about. But she's also raised my expectations to an untenable level because no-one else has even come close to making me feel the way she does, and it really feels that if it doesn't work out any other relationship would be a compromise because I'd get out of it in an instant if I had another chance with her.

When I do meet her I'm going to be filled with all these expectations. And maybe these hopes are a cancer because if I'm different to how she remembers or if I'm not attractive to her then I know that I'll fall apart. Because inside my head I can feel how happy I would be if it does work and it's that hope that's the killer, as the memory won't fade and these feelings I have won't die. I am completely and utterly infatuated, in love, dependant and it's probably the only thing I've ever been sure about but I'm filled with doubts and expectations about whether she will feel the same.

I'm scared.
And the way I feel has made me realise that nothing else really matters in comparison to this one thing. I could go get a law degree earn a fortune and I wouldn't be happy unless she was somehow involved. I'm scared that she won't feel the same, but I'm also scared that I won't get over her and that's what scares me the most.

I'll tell myself that "in time memories fade, senses numb, one forgets how it feels to have loved completely" but this time I don't believe it.

it's all ifs buts maybes and hopes and dreams

"is it special when you're lonely
when you spend your whole life
in a studio apartment
with a cat for a wife"

thanks for reading if you got this far through my ramblings

I think she'll know how you feel without taking her out somewhere expensive or whatever... I dunno, but when it's someone you really *know*, maybe not know them on the surface, but you know *them*, who they really are at their heart... I think you just know things about them... can kind of sense it or something just by the way they are acting, and small things... maybe I'm rambling...

Anyway, what I mean is I don't think you'll have to take her somewhere really nice to convey how you feel to her... but it won't hurt :-)
and it seems that you really do want to, because you do care about her... anyway, I'm sure you already know this stuff, so I'll stop :D

I'm not going to say anything and just see how it goes...

If nothing happens I'll probably be depressed for a while. But it'll get better eventually.

On the other hand, if not her, who knows me better than my own family, who else would want me? But that's just one of a million doubts.

I'm going to be myself, except I'll take her somewhere nice, and it'll be wonderful in my head at least :-)

Thank you for kind words.

Hmmm, looking back at this again, I actually think that, unless you want to, it might be best not to tell her, because that coud change her mind on things about you.

But if everything seems different, and you don't want it to be, then tell her how you feel.

I wouldn't say you definitely should tell her all this, but if it's something you want to or feel you need to tell her then tell her.

She may be feeling the same way, wondering if you'll be, I dunno, disappointed, because of high expectations... If it's something you feel you want to tell her, then I'd say tell her this. But I think it could probably wait until she arrives, I'm not really sure if it's the kind of thing to explain over the phone...

Another thing, if you decide not to contact her before she arrives, then on the day, just be yourself. If it just gets weird, then tell her how you honestly feel. Then you'll know for sure if the two of you are soulmates.

I think you should tell her all this, and you'll be able to see how she feels too. You'll feel better, even if what your afraid of happens, because you'll know that loved her enough to tell her something so honest that most couples don't tell each other.

Kieerrraannn... she's probably feeeling the sammmee waaayyy... :0)

Have you talked to her about this?

I hope it goes well for you mate.
I'm in Cynicsville right now though, so I'm going to vacate this thread of hope and beauty before I turn it round.

Enjoy these moments of anticipation.

Well, I'd try and think of it this way. You love her, she loves you. It's a great feeling, one of the best. Try and make the most of your time with her without thinking about the future. Leave that until she's gone back.

Thanks sibs :-)

I guess the problem is that I might be different somehow to how she expects me to be. Maybe her expectations are too high and I'll prove a disappointment. I'm not sure.

She's definitely a soulmate though.

Living far apart is another problem that might make her not want anything to happen, but I don't know if it bothers me that much. I know I'll miss her when she's gone, but that wouldn't be as bad as not having loved at all.

And whoever said "to have loved and lost is better than to have never loved at all" was a fool.