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Note: While I won’t deny that this is a blatant GAD attempt, I did write it because I enjoy these sorts of things and I want to entertain some other people. So, Enjoy :)
(oh and read it all the way through, it gets better as it goes down)
The Playstation Evolves
Now I’m sure most of you know that Sony’s long term plan with the Playstation is to turn it into a complete home entertainment system. However, Sony have recently announced their intention to take it further, revealing plans of future Playstations all the way up to the Playstation X (or ten, in other words). A spokesman said that Sony’s aim is to “Provide a fuller experience for gamers, as well as supplying other services such as the PS2’s DVD player, all in one system. We want games in the future to be true worlds, with at least several different endings and the ability to do whatever you want, with real consequences.” Sony have already begun to implement these ideas as all current Playstation games have at least three endings; coaster, frisbee and pizza cutter. The following is a list of plans for future Playstations provided by Sony (note: they are subject to change).
PS3: Taking inspiration from the newest console around, the Gamecube, the PS3 is set to be the smallest console yet. The box will be the same size as a board game’s and the console itself will be comprised of two A4 size sheets of card. These can then be folded (DIY style) and assembled in any way, shape or form that the owner chooses. Double sided tape is supplied free of charge to keep it together and also a variety of poster paints will go on sale as you will need to colour it yourself. No games are currently being planned as you have to make them up yourself, by drawing them (story board style) onto a small white board at the front of the console. Sony are worried, however, about exposure to water, as it may make the card warp, thus causing the games to be displayed incorrectly. They aren’t offering any solutions though, saying “If the consumer gets it wet and it breaks, it’s their f**king fault, we don’t give a monkey’s!” Additional features will include a DVD player, pencil holder and a kettle.
PS4: The PS4 will introduce a greater sense of mobility and style, as current designs show it to be a perfect sphere the same size as a small football. The basic structure is plastic surrounded by three inch thick rubber. It is also set to feature a revolutionary ‘no buttons’ system. The console can be turned on and off by kicking it against a wall, while repeatedly banging it on a table or other hard surface will open the CD Drive. However, it will now only have one controller port as standard. For travel the PS4 can be deflated slightly to fit in a suitcase, and developers hope it will prove to be a popular holiday item, with such uses as beach-ball, space hopper and buoyancy aid.
PS5: By the PS5 (which is scheduled for release two months after the PS4) Sony will have moved back to the idea of a complete home entertainment system. It will be roughly the same size and shape as the PS2, and again can be stood on its side making it fit into narrow spaces and allowing the discs to fall out and break when you open the drive. A 42 inch wide-screen T.V, surround speakers, hi-fi system and a set of sofas can be purchased for an additional £7590, giving you the ultimate in home entertainment. The PS5 will also feature the latest in late night clean up, for when you get back from the pub at 2am with a couple of mates, totally pis*ed out of your skull. Anti-spew perfume will be released periodically to dispel the growing feelings of nausea, laser guided mop and bucket system will catch and clean any stray liquids (and indeed, solids) and to top it off the PS5 will also get up, and carry your mates home for you.
PS6: Having now introduced travel and home entertainment systems to the world, Sony are now looking at combining the two together. The PS6 will be the small, furry, innocent guinea pig that Sony will stick their needle full of experimental drugs into. Firstly the travel aspects: The PS6 will actually be able to be ‘docked’ in your car as safely as it can be plugged into a T.V at home, as Sony predicts that by this time all cars will feature televisions in the back seats. Don’t have a car? No worries there either. The PS6 comes complete with a luxury limousine which can be folded out from the top of the console whenever it is needed, supplied with it is Parker (experimental robot chauffeur) and fake driving license and tax disc. Rumours have already started circulating about a ‘Rotor Blades’ add-on which will enable you to soar through the skies and avoid the traffic, and can also be used for whisking eggs. On the HES side of things the PS6 will have a ‘Perfect Party’ feature, which includes disco ball and lights, shiny wooden flooring and many different modes such as 70’s Disco and Hard-core Funk, with more becoming available to download. Also included will be a Pringles dispenser, as once you mates pop they just won’t be able to stop (literally, the Pringles will be laced with drugs), a cigarette machine, condom machine and a design your own nibbles maker. Even better, is the connectivity between this and the actual games. Parrapa the Rapper will be used in conjunction with the party modes allowing everyone on the dance floor to join in the fun, other games set to use this feature currently include ‘Shakin’ Stevens: Shake It Baby Shake It’ and ‘Michael Jackson’s Biography’; a title that allows you to perform memorable dances from his career (such as the moon walk) while listening to his life story.
Note: From this point on Sony have stated that all features from previous Playstation incarnations will be included in all future versions, despite the fact that most of them contradict and cancel each other out.
PS7: The PS7, or the ‘housewives’ console, as designers are calling it, will make home cleaning a thing of the past! “We’ve had a lot of complaints from mothers who say their kids just spend all their time playing games” a spokesman stated, “so we decided it was time we did something for them.” The PS7 will be able to take over most jobs around the house, including: washing up, preparing meals, dusting, polishing and vacuuming. Yes that’s right, the PS7 will suck! The way this is achieved is truly remarkable. The console will be about the same size and shape as an egg box, and will be home to literally thousands of tiny pixies, imps and fairies. The system will be voice activated and commands can be issued through a small microphone on the side. Upon activation the PS7 will rise up into the air and float to where it is required, it will then set down and open releasing the thousands of little slaves to do your dirty work for you. The RSPCA has approached Sony warning that the mythical folk may rise up and rebel against their owners, but Sony don’t consider it a problem, saying “If this were to ever occur it won’t be a serious problem, they’re all very small so you can just stamp on them. Failing that you can just not clap your hands and say they don’t exist, then they will all die.”
PS8: Little is known about the eighth Playstation, the only real thing to be revealed is its code name; ‘Home on the Ranch’. It is said to be more of an expansion of the seventh, taking the home cleaning further, into the world of farming and agriculture. Once set-up, fans of Harvest Moon games will rejoice, as its appearance will be very similar. Your house will be transformed into a rustic, wooden home, complete with cattle shed, chicken coop, sheep pen, pig sty and plenty of land for growing crops. It also comes with an endless supply of string vests and straw to chew on, with one woven hat for each family member. As well as enjoying all the standard features of a Playstation (games etc.) owners can now give up their jobs and enjoy the quiet, relaxing life of a farmer, growing your own food and selling it at your prices. Take pride in your healthy co*k, well bred bulls and the size of your wife’s melons. Compete with neighbours, play dirty tricks and keep your shotgun by your side with the PS8!
PS9: The ‘convenient’ console. Sony say that the PS9 will have a huge range of conveniences (as well as everything already mentioned!) to remove the need to interrupt games to go to the toilet, sleep etc. A chair, that is permanently attached to the main console, will be constantly analysing every aspect of your body and telling the PS what needs to be done. Hungry? Then let the PS9’s microwave cook you up a treat! Don’t worry about it damaging the console though, as Sony said: “We were aware it may cause problems to the console, so we wrapped everything in tin foil, that should keep it safe”. Going to the toilet will also become a thing of the past, no you won’t be taking a s**t on your PS (although it is advised), but it will in fact attach itself to you and suck out all of the waste. Sleep, the bane of all gamers, will here make its last stand. Pumping your body full of drugs and keeping everything running, the PS9 will let you play games all through the night as well, your body will ‘sleep’ but your mind will be conscious. Also announced, is the ultimate ‘injuries’ system. As well as being able to cure all permanent illnesses the PS9 will help you to recover from any injury painlessly. It even has the astounding capability to grow new organs, then perform major surgery on you, all while your happily playing your games! It can even replace lost and missing limbs, exact to match your body.
PS10: Finally, the one we’ve all been waiting for. This baby will dominate your house, because it will be your house! The PS10 will be the same size as a briefcase and can be carried to anywhere you choose, then with the press of a button a luxury mansion will ‘beam’ out of the top and construct itself. You can then choose designs, furniture etc. to suite you taste, all of which has been designed entirely by Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. A terminal will be in every room so you can speak directly to your house, which will give much valuable insight, plus you’ll be able to do all the cool stuff from Star Trek like saying “lights” and they come on. Squaresoft have already announced that Final Fantasy XXXV will be making its way to the Ps10, and have promised everything gamers have come to expect from a FF game, tired story line, Cid, Chocobos etc. A new range of peripherals will also become available, including ‘The Stimulator’. This interesting device will be attached to the groin and, yes you guessed it, stimulate! Designers and makers of the product, Datel, say they got the idea when playing Dead or Alive. “The guys down at the office thought it would be a nice idea to enjoy ALL the pleasure of a DoA game, while still being able to actually play it at the same time.” An addition to the device will be released in time for the new DoA beach volley ball game, it will be able to use car batteries, and even rocket fuel, to power it…Other features of the PS10 include: Satellite Missile Defence System, Nuclear Bunker, coat hangers, a doorbell, trouser press, an eight track, taps and a Bob Monkhouse stress dummy.
This is of course, just a joke, I’m not really insulting the PS or Sony.
(oh and read it all the way through, it gets better as it goes down)
The Playstation Evolves
Now I’m sure most of you know that Sony’s long term plan with the Playstation is to turn it into a complete home entertainment system. However, Sony have recently announced their intention to take it further, revealing plans of future Playstations all the way up to the Playstation X (or ten, in other words). A spokesman said that Sony’s aim is to “Provide a fuller experience for gamers, as well as supplying other services such as the PS2’s DVD player, all in one system. We want games in the future to be true worlds, with at least several different endings and the ability to do whatever you want, with real consequences.” Sony have already begun to implement these ideas as all current Playstation games have at least three endings; coaster, frisbee and pizza cutter. The following is a list of plans for future Playstations provided by Sony (note: they are subject to change).
PS3: Taking inspiration from the newest console around, the Gamecube, the PS3 is set to be the smallest console yet. The box will be the same size as a board game’s and the console itself will be comprised of two A4 size sheets of card. These can then be folded (DIY style) and assembled in any way, shape or form that the owner chooses. Double sided tape is supplied free of charge to keep it together and also a variety of poster paints will go on sale as you will need to colour it yourself. No games are currently being planned as you have to make them up yourself, by drawing them (story board style) onto a small white board at the front of the console. Sony are worried, however, about exposure to water, as it may make the card warp, thus causing the games to be displayed incorrectly. They aren’t offering any solutions though, saying “If the consumer gets it wet and it breaks, it’s their f**king fault, we don’t give a monkey’s!” Additional features will include a DVD player, pencil holder and a kettle.
PS4: The PS4 will introduce a greater sense of mobility and style, as current designs show it to be a perfect sphere the same size as a small football. The basic structure is plastic surrounded by three inch thick rubber. It is also set to feature a revolutionary ‘no buttons’ system. The console can be turned on and off by kicking it against a wall, while repeatedly banging it on a table or other hard surface will open the CD Drive. However, it will now only have one controller port as standard. For travel the PS4 can be deflated slightly to fit in a suitcase, and developers hope it will prove to be a popular holiday item, with such uses as beach-ball, space hopper and buoyancy aid.
PS5: By the PS5 (which is scheduled for release two months after the PS4) Sony will have moved back to the idea of a complete home entertainment system. It will be roughly the same size and shape as the PS2, and again can be stood on its side making it fit into narrow spaces and allowing the discs to fall out and break when you open the drive. A 42 inch wide-screen T.V, surround speakers, hi-fi system and a set of sofas can be purchased for an additional £7590, giving you the ultimate in home entertainment. The PS5 will also feature the latest in late night clean up, for when you get back from the pub at 2am with a couple of mates, totally pis*ed out of your skull. Anti-spew perfume will be released periodically to dispel the growing feelings of nausea, laser guided mop and bucket system will catch and clean any stray liquids (and indeed, solids) and to top it off the PS5 will also get up, and carry your mates home for you.
PS6: Having now introduced travel and home entertainment systems to the world, Sony are now looking at combining the two together. The PS6 will be the small, furry, innocent guinea pig that Sony will stick their needle full of experimental drugs into. Firstly the travel aspects: The PS6 will actually be able to be ‘docked’ in your car as safely as it can be plugged into a T.V at home, as Sony predicts that by this time all cars will feature televisions in the back seats. Don’t have a car? No worries there either. The PS6 comes complete with a luxury limousine which can be folded out from the top of the console whenever it is needed, supplied with it is Parker (experimental robot chauffeur) and fake driving license and tax disc. Rumours have already started circulating about a ‘Rotor Blades’ add-on which will enable you to soar through the skies and avoid the traffic, and can also be used for whisking eggs. On the HES side of things the PS6 will have a ‘Perfect Party’ feature, which includes disco ball and lights, shiny wooden flooring and many different modes such as 70’s Disco and Hard-core Funk, with more becoming available to download. Also included will be a Pringles dispenser, as once you mates pop they just won’t be able to stop (literally, the Pringles will be laced with drugs), a cigarette machine, condom machine and a design your own nibbles maker. Even better, is the connectivity between this and the actual games. Parrapa the Rapper will be used in conjunction with the party modes allowing everyone on the dance floor to join in the fun, other games set to use this feature currently include ‘Shakin’ Stevens: Shake It Baby Shake It’ and ‘Michael Jackson’s Biography’; a title that allows you to perform memorable dances from his career (such as the moon walk) while listening to his life story.
Note: From this point on Sony have stated that all features from previous Playstation incarnations will be included in all future versions, despite the fact that most of them contradict and cancel each other out.
PS7: The PS7, or the ‘housewives’ console, as designers are calling it, will make home cleaning a thing of the past! “We’ve had a lot of complaints from mothers who say their kids just spend all their time playing games” a spokesman stated, “so we decided it was time we did something for them.” The PS7 will be able to take over most jobs around the house, including: washing up, preparing meals, dusting, polishing and vacuuming. Yes that’s right, the PS7 will suck! The way this is achieved is truly remarkable. The console will be about the same size and shape as an egg box, and will be home to literally thousands of tiny pixies, imps and fairies. The system will be voice activated and commands can be issued through a small microphone on the side. Upon activation the PS7 will rise up into the air and float to where it is required, it will then set down and open releasing the thousands of little slaves to do your dirty work for you. The RSPCA has approached Sony warning that the mythical folk may rise up and rebel against their owners, but Sony don’t consider it a problem, saying “If this were to ever occur it won’t be a serious problem, they’re all very small so you can just stamp on them. Failing that you can just not clap your hands and say they don’t exist, then they will all die.”
PS8: Little is known about the eighth Playstation, the only real thing to be revealed is its code name; ‘Home on the Ranch’. It is said to be more of an expansion of the seventh, taking the home cleaning further, into the world of farming and agriculture. Once set-up, fans of Harvest Moon games will rejoice, as its appearance will be very similar. Your house will be transformed into a rustic, wooden home, complete with cattle shed, chicken coop, sheep pen, pig sty and plenty of land for growing crops. It also comes with an endless supply of string vests and straw to chew on, with one woven hat for each family member. As well as enjoying all the standard features of a Playstation (games etc.) owners can now give up their jobs and enjoy the quiet, relaxing life of a farmer, growing your own food and selling it at your prices. Take pride in your healthy co*k, well bred bulls and the size of your wife’s melons. Compete with neighbours, play dirty tricks and keep your shotgun by your side with the PS8!
PS9: The ‘convenient’ console. Sony say that the PS9 will have a huge range of conveniences (as well as everything already mentioned!) to remove the need to interrupt games to go to the toilet, sleep etc. A chair, that is permanently attached to the main console, will be constantly analysing every aspect of your body and telling the PS what needs to be done. Hungry? Then let the PS9’s microwave cook you up a treat! Don’t worry about it damaging the console though, as Sony said: “We were aware it may cause problems to the console, so we wrapped everything in tin foil, that should keep it safe”. Going to the toilet will also become a thing of the past, no you won’t be taking a s**t on your PS (although it is advised), but it will in fact attach itself to you and suck out all of the waste. Sleep, the bane of all gamers, will here make its last stand. Pumping your body full of drugs and keeping everything running, the PS9 will let you play games all through the night as well, your body will ‘sleep’ but your mind will be conscious. Also announced, is the ultimate ‘injuries’ system. As well as being able to cure all permanent illnesses the PS9 will help you to recover from any injury painlessly. It even has the astounding capability to grow new organs, then perform major surgery on you, all while your happily playing your games! It can even replace lost and missing limbs, exact to match your body.
PS10: Finally, the one we’ve all been waiting for. This baby will dominate your house, because it will be your house! The PS10 will be the same size as a briefcase and can be carried to anywhere you choose, then with the press of a button a luxury mansion will ‘beam’ out of the top and construct itself. You can then choose designs, furniture etc. to suite you taste, all of which has been designed entirely by Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. A terminal will be in every room so you can speak directly to your house, which will give much valuable insight, plus you’ll be able to do all the cool stuff from Star Trek like saying “lights” and they come on. Squaresoft have already announced that Final Fantasy XXXV will be making its way to the Ps10, and have promised everything gamers have come to expect from a FF game, tired story line, Cid, Chocobos etc. A new range of peripherals will also become available, including ‘The Stimulator’. This interesting device will be attached to the groin and, yes you guessed it, stimulate! Designers and makers of the product, Datel, say they got the idea when playing Dead or Alive. “The guys down at the office thought it would be a nice idea to enjoy ALL the pleasure of a DoA game, while still being able to actually play it at the same time.” An addition to the device will be released in time for the new DoA beach volley ball game, it will be able to use car batteries, and even rocket fuel, to power it…Other features of the PS10 include: Satellite Missile Defence System, Nuclear Bunker, coat hangers, a doorbell, trouser press, an eight track, taps and a Bob Monkhouse stress dummy.
This is of course, just a joke, I’m not really insulting the PS or Sony.
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Cheers :D
Great post, btw WhiteStripes.
What no ultimate death prevention device? Sony are really letting standards slip..
PS11: The Ultimate Console.
While at first glance, the tagline may just be another slogan, the PS11 actually IS the Ultimate Console. It houses so much mechanics (not just farming equipment such as cows, but nuclear weaponry and the like). In fact, the weight of this machine will increase the Earth's gravitational pull so much that the planet will be pulled into the sun, and melted almost immediately...so the PS11 truly IS the ultimate console.
-Press Release, SCEE.
http://www.playstation.com/news/ article=61237879624notreal.html (remove the space after /news/)
While at first glance, the tagline may just be another slogan, the PS11 actually IS the Ultimate Console. It houses so much mechanics (not just farming equipment such as cows, but nuclear weaponry and the like). In fact, the weight of this machine will increase the Earth's gravitational pull so much that the planet will be pulled into the sun, and melted almost immediately...so the PS11 truly IS the ultimate console.
-Press Release, SCEE.
http://www.playstation.com/news/ article=61237879624notreal.html (remove the space after /news/)
Nice one whitestripes, i enjoyed it
POP
For all the new people so they don't miss it.
For all the new people so they don't miss it.
fosbe wrote:
> Man you must write really slowy then.
Ha ha...ha ha.....ha....;)
(actually it took me a while to get that >_<)
> Man you must write really slowy then.
Ha ha...ha ha.....ha....;)
(actually it took me a while to get that >_<)
Man you must write really slowy then.
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