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"Ali Boy's Diary"

Right, I'm moving this here from Prime. No-one ever goes in there any more.

It's a spoof of Bridget Jones's Diary, but instead stars AliBoy as a drunk Scottish tart. With Comical Cameos e.t.c from Grix as a Oxford uni chap, Ant as someone, Pb as a barman, Mr Happy as someone who gets chucked in the canal and Rasta as a midget with a Gamecube.

Right, here's January's entries (remove spaces):

http://ukchatforums.reserve.co.uk/ display_messages.php?threadid=35239&forumid=419

And February's entries (remove spaces):

http://ukchatforums.reserve.co.uk/ display_messages.php?threadid=39318&forumid=419

And I'll start with the few March entries I posted in Prime, and carry on from there. Cool.

March 1

Ah, a new month, time for new ideas and new things to happen in my life. Starting with finding clothes for...damn...

"What was your name again?" I asked.

"Shut the fun up, AliBoy. You're beginning to funning pee me off,you know." said Ant, who was driving.

"You're funning touchy you know that, Ant?" I reply.

"Oh, go fun your bird."

"Right you are."

I dive back into the mess of clothing and luggage in the back.

We've been driving all day. Not exactly sure where we are heading. By the time we arrived at the Channel Tunnel, Pb was proclaimed technically insane by me and Grix. Grix has a beard, so he knows stuff. Pb muttered a bit in response. Happy still hasn't emerged from his case. I'm debating giving him a rattle. Rasta is attempting to breast-feed the GBA's. Seems puzzled.

March 2

Alcohol Units: Ah, sweet alcohol. Oh yeah, 62.

We're in Germany, maybe. I can't see fat people in leiderhosen. Except for Pb, of course. Hm.

We stop at our destination. The best place in Germany. The airport.

"Let's get the fun out of this funning country." muttered Grix. Ant nods and picks up Happy's suitcase. Rasta doesn't move. I get dressed and get out, along with the girl.

"Rasta, get out."

"I can't! The kids haven't ever flown before! They'll get deep circuit thrombisis."

"...T**. Get up."

Muttering, he pats the kids and tells them it'll be alright. Note to self: Sell Rasta for beer money.

"So, what is your name?" I ask.

"..." she begins.

"No, don't tell me. BigBreast? No, been done?"

"No, it's K..."

"Excellent! Knockers it is. Come along."

We buy tickets for...LAS VEGAS! Muah. Did I just write Muah? So I did. Fancy that. Pb is prancing around in his leiderhosen. He seems very proud of them.

March 3

Long plane journey so far. I'm tired, and I need a dump.

Knockers is entwining my hair in her fingers and whispering sweet nothings in my ear. Heh, I know what to do here.

"SWEET JESUS! WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF! I'm TRYING to sleep. JE-SUS!"

Hm, she seems affronted. Maybe I'd better leave for a while.

"I'm just going to the toilet." I whisper to her, aware that everyone is watching.

"Gotcha." She winks. Strange.

I go to the toilet and proceed to start the titanic process of laying a dump larger than Wales. Knockers opens the door.

"Hey, Big Boy." she whispers. What the hell is she doing interrupting my dump? She sits on my lap. Oooooh..

March 4

Excellent. We're landing in Las Vegas, I've had sex in a toilet, and laid a massive dump.

"That was brilliant." she whispers to me.

"Yeah, it was rather good. But it didn't block the toilet."

We get rooms at Caesar's Palace. I see no Caesar. And where's the funning palace? I demand my money back, or at least sex from the owner. Providing she's female. If he's male then Grix can have his fun.

I am sharing a massive room with Knockers. Big big double bed. This definitely means that riding is on the activities list.

Oh, it actually is. Cool.

I slap my hands together.

"Right then, shall we?"

"But I want to have fun in Las Vegas!"

"Yes, I'm sure you do......" I say. "Sex?"

"Is that all you think about!"

"Um, pretty much."

"I'm going to go swimming!"

"I know an easier way to get wet."

Excellent.

To Do:
Replinish stock of contraceptives. Preventatives. Sigh...Condoms, stop reading over my shoulder, Rasta.
Steal some old persons "chips" and spend them on "slot machines."
Fully investigate Knockers' slot machine.

March 5

Vegas bores me already. I haven't found any all-American ho's, the toilets refuse to block matter how much partially digested faeces I anally-propell down them.

I'm leaving. I've lost Knockers though. I half-heartedly ask at the reception if she's in the lost property box.

"Have you got a big-breasted woman in there?"

"No."

"OK. Erm, do you have any condoms? I've run out."

"This isn't a shop, sir."

"Of course it isn't. Any Archers?"

"No, sir."

"Right, right, it's lost property. Have you got the keys to a car?"

"Yes sir. If you could tell me which car they are?"

"Erm, Ford Escort."

"No, sir."

"Damn."

"Could sir please leave? The queue is quite considerable."

"Yes, I've noticed that it's quite considerable."

I look at the girl. Well, to be honest, I look at her dirtypillows.

"I've also noticed your chest area is quite considerable. Particuarly the bit with breasts on. Fancy a quick one?"

"No, sir. Is there anything else you want from lost property?"

"Er, got a dinosaur?"

I get kicked out of the casino, along with pb and happy. Grix saunters out along with Ant after a while.

"Lost your girlfriend, AliBoy?"

"Yeah, seems like it."

"Never mind, place an insurance claim when you get home. Where shall we go next?" muttered pb.

"How about Wales? I want to see my homeland!" said Ant.

"You're not Welsh!"

"I could be."

"Ant, shut up. I know, let's go to Wales." said Grix.

"Stupid idea. I've got a better one. Let's go to Wales." suggested Happy.

"Great idea."

We get on Welsh Airlines. The airline meal is leeks with some more leeks washed down with coal.

"First Welsh person I meet, I'm going to kill him. With a leek. Up his arrs." I said. And I mean it.

The air hostess turns out to be Welsh.

March 6

I wake up in the crew section. The Welsh stewardess is beside me, naked. Excellent. So is a big burly Welsh bloke. This is not so good.

"Have we landed?" he asks.

"Yes, it appears we have."

"Bloody excellent boyo."

He hurls me from an emergency exit. Oh fuuuuuuuuucccccc....

Oh well, at least I got some sex. They took me home to Oxford to hospital for my broken ribs and strained genetials. When I get home, I notice something's wrong. Grix is with me. Our eyes meet.

"Oh crap, we left Rasta in Vegas!"

March 7

So me and Grix, after calling an emergency meeting including no-one else, as Pb didn't answer the phone and Ant was generous enough to say "Fun off you idiots I don't funning give a fun."

"Nice chap." I said as I hung up.

"Right, so I recommend we call the airline, the casino and the travel agency, offering a reward if they find him?" said Grix, producing a notebook.

I consider this.

"Or...We could just go down the pub?"

"Superb."

After all, it was the sporting thing to do. Pb might be in trouble as he wasn't answering.

So off we trot to the Buggered Ploughman (for twas the name of his pub) and tutted at the sign over the door of a rural type getting accousted with a implement of harvest.

"Looks like you." I note as we enter.

"Yeah, fair point."

"PPBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB!" I yell. "Two pints please."

Then I trip over something. It's Pb.

"You alright, Pb? Done your back in trying to lift your cases, one of which contain Mr Happy still folded in half?"

"Sod off." muttered the barman.

"So he's fine then. Let's help ourselves."

"You're going to pay for this!" growled Pb, not moving.

"Maybe. Bar tabs sometimes get paid."

Then Ant kicked the door open.

"Something wrong with pb?"

"Yup." said Grix, pouring himself a pint of Rodgered Hen.

"Ah. I'll have a pint thanks Grix."

"You just going to step over me?" cried Pb increduously.

"Yeah, it looks that way."

I discover something under the bar in a plastic blue bottle. It looks like a new drink to me.

Oops...

March 8

I wake up outside my flat in a strange position. Grix is some way down the corridor, in an intimate position with a flowerpot. Ant is animatedly trying to convert an Arab to Christianity.

"Ant, he's Muslim. Give it up." I mutter.

"What?"

"The towel thing he's wearing give it away."

The Arab muttered something in Arabic. Probably.

"What he say?" said Ant.

"Sod off, I reckon. Where's my keys?"

"You left them at Pb's."

"Why would I do that?"

"I don't know. Why are you wearing a tutu?"

I look down. And grin manically.

"Haven't the slightest. I'll be back shortly."

I walk into the Ploughman staggering slightly. Pb looks up, grinning happily.

"Ah, it's you. Did you drink the contents of this bottle?"

He hold out the blue bottle.

"Yeah, we might have done." Pb grinned more.

"Excellent, you owe me a litre of bleach."

Ah, a breath of fresh air again. Great to see the Diary back stryke, have a bleach on me.

Stryke wrote:
didn't look right in the middle of boring dry GAD attempts

------

So I'm not the only one sick of FOG Prime?

March 9

"You have 216 messages."

"Yeah? Sod you."

I look around, chuffed at having outwitted the answer machine. No-one's here though, seeing as Grix is probably trying to build a nuclear bomb half-drunk and Ant is, in all probably, having a jihad declared against him.

I spy the Gamecube looking forlorn in the corner. I walk over to it and squat down.

"There there, it'll be alright."

It doesn't seem to be cheered up.

"He'll be home soon."

I stroke the Gamecube. At that very moment, the catflap opens and Rasta crawls through. I spring to my feet.

"I wasn't doing anything!"

He glares at me.

"I have been stranded in Las Vegas, forced to live on the streets as a demi-hobo and the kids are starving for some electricity. I had to declare one of them technically battery-dead this morning. Do you have any idea the horror I've been through to get home to my loving partner?"

I scratch my head.

"Go and make the tea, Rasta."

"OK"

Now, where was I? Ah, yes messages. Message No 1.

"Rick dear? It's your mother. Your sister is pregnant. How's life being gay?"

Must be the wrong number. Hang on a second...

"Rasta, what's your real name?"

"Sod off."

Definitely wrong number...

...Message 56.

"AliBoy? This is Mystique. If you're not into work within 5 minutes, you're fired". MESSAGE RECORDED ON 26/2.

"Oh crap, my job!"

"But what about your tea?" yells Rasta as I run out

"Fun it!"

"BUT I'LL GET BURNT!"

"Not lite..."

I run down the street, pulling a jacket in, and burst into the office.

"YOU ARE FIRED!" yells Mystique.

I wave my hand in the air.

"You don't want to fire me."

"YES I BLOODY WELL DO!"

I frown.

"I'm not the droid you're looking for."

"Pack your things!"

Right. Plan B.

"*cough* Porn film *cough*"

She hesitates.

"Come in, AliBoy! Glad to have you back. Iguana, make yourself busy. Get AliBoy a cup of tea."

I smile and prod Stryke, who is sleeping in a dog basket beneath my desk.

"Whats new in the movie world, Stryke?"

"Well, George Lucas has cast someone called Ewan McGregor as Qui-Gon Jinn in Lord of The Rings!"

Idiot.

I believe I just wrote write as right. I'm -almost- as bad as Sniper.

LOL. Right, I'm going to right some more story.

Stryke wrote:
> RastaBillySkank wrote:
> >
>
> It was too good to let go :-)
>
> --
>
> What, the Gamecube disc tray?

Hell yeah. Using protection now though, can't afford another GBA at the moment, not with Pinky and Glacy still only we little Advancettes.

RastaBillySkank wrote:
>
>
> It was too good to let go :-)

--

What, the Gamecube disc tray?

Stryke wrote:
> Rasta and AliBoy kept on having a go at me to write more.

:-D

It was too good to let go :-)

Yup, I started back in December and basically enjoyed writing it. Rasta and AliBoy kept on having a go at me to write more. I archive each month, but I got bored of Prime, and it didn't look right in the middle of boring dry GAD attempts. So it's here, and I've got two weeks off so I'll try and add to it a lot. He can go to the World Cup, or something.

Hehe. I was reading this in Prime, you posted it in one continuous thread, didn't you?

Glad to see the resurrection of it in here. Made me chortle, that did.

:)