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"Movie Hardmen are rubbish"

really, they are.

I was wandering through Blockbuster action section tonight (what is it with Blockbuster, you go in full of life in brain, yet end up meandering around all the aisles looking at shabby 80s action movies with Lewis Collins?), and I came across the "hardman" section.

Jean-Claude Van Damme.
He's a midget and got his start in gay porno movies in Belgium. He always does the splits and avenges some spakker brother who ends up in a wheelchair. I reckon I could kick his face off.

Steven Seagal.
The portly kung-fu grand-dad.
His moves consist of murky hand movements and a face like he needs to take a dump.
Either shoot him in his pudgy head or chuck pies at him to distract him and allow yourself escape time whilst he crammed them into his squinty fat face.

Oliver Gruner.
He's called Oliver.
I could drive my car up him in no time at all.

Vinnie Jones.
Chuck a wordpuzzle at him and hide in a library, he's too thick to open the door, let alone search through the books for you.

Chuck Norris.
He used to be good, but now he just smiles and lifts his aging legs for the villains to run into and then hurl themselves backwards through windows.
Poof.

I'm bored.

Snipes is the man.

And what about Mark Morrison?! He may not be a film star but did he not shoot a cop with a stun gun? Heh, now that would be amusing.

Wesley Snipes.

No, not for his films at all... the man tried to start a private religious army in his mansion's back garden, taking kids off the streets and putting guns in their hands. He claimed he was trying to set up an elite troop of bodyguards but the Feds rumbled his deranged filmstar plan.

So while you could conceivably kick his head in, do you have an army big enough to beat his? So Wes wins the ultimate action hero award...


Also, points against Chuck Norris and Steven Segal is that they've both converted to become religious extremists. Segal's a hardcore buddhist I think, Buddhism being that notoriously violent religion where kicking someone's head in is par for the course. And Norris is a radical Christian. His next film is going to have him fighting a man called Lucifer, who is misleading some townsfolk... there's symbolism there somewhere but I just can't seem to see it at the moment :-)

Goatboy wrote:
> I could kick Sigourney Weaver's face off in 2 seconds.


And how are you meant to do that when she's thumped you to a pulp and had time to re-do her hair and make-up, all before you even get your foot off the ground!?!?

I could kick Sigourney Weaver's face off in 2 seconds.

I have to opt for Bruce Willis I mean he is Hard, and has the wit to go with it!

What about Robert Di Nero He's Hard isn't he?? Or Joe Pesci (not counting "Gone Fishin'" or "Home Alone") But think Goodfellows and Casino!! And what about hard wimmen?? Ladies and Gennlemen I give you . . . . . . . . . .Sigorney Weaver. . . . . Angelina Jolie doesn't count cause she's only done one "action" movie, however there is talk of a sequal. . . . . . .

Wait! I have the ultimate hardman! Someone who cannot be beaten!

Wair for it......


FRANCO NERO!

I might have to give up the name 'Daddy' and call my son 'Franco' (middle name 'Nero' of course).

Goatboy wrote:
> Look at the time I posted it for god's sake.
>
> And how can I have a fight with Jaws?
> It's in pieces after Brody blew it up.
>
> I'm not scrapping with a fish


Are you mocking him? Or did you just not read the rest of his post? :-D

Look at the time I posted it for god's sake.

And how can I have a fight with Jaws?
It's in pieces after Brody blew it up.

I'm not scrapping with a fish

What about Jaws, eh?

(the bond hardman, not the shark, although a case could be made...)

I wouldn't mess with him.

P.S. Where's Charles Bronson?

You forgot Daniel Bernhardt too!